Non-Surly Thursday (with a tiny pocket of Surly in the middle)

 If I DO get Covid I guess it will be slightly ironic, because I felt really good this week after my week-end away. 

It was sunny and cold this morning. I was wearing a knit dress with a vest, my Docs and socks instead of tights because I am always so hot and uncomfortable in this library. I put a light cardigan over top mostly so people wouldn't comment on my wearing no kind of jacket at all.

I walked down the hall and was about to enter the library when a teacher leading a group of students said "are those postage stamps on your back?", which confused the hell out of me because as far as I know there was nothing on my back but black cardigan. I said "no?" and she said, "oh, it looks like it from a distance". I went into the library, plunked down all my stuff and took off my cardigan to look at the back. Since my Docs have started carving up my heels I wear blister patches a lot of the time, and they have an annoying habit of falling off and ending up everywhere, so I was worried there were blister patches stuck to my sweater. But there was nothing.

Then my eyes fell on my bags and I suddenly realized she was saying "on your BAG", not "on your BACK". At the beginning of the year I didn't have a tote bag big enough to carry my lumbar support cushion and a fan and my water bottle and lunch bag. I was trying to figure out where to look for one, and then I remembered Redbubble. So then Matt came home and I was on the computer and I told him that unfortunately I was about to buy four hundred dollars worth of tote bags because when you put almost anything you can think of on a tote bag it can be hard to narrow down the options.

For obvious reasons, I usually default to putting stuff about books or authors on my bags and t-shirts and phone cases and journals and socks and everything else. Then sometimes I feel like I want to branch out a little. I loved my old phone case, but it didn't fit my new phone. 

My new phone case is called Vintage Books, but is mainly a cute little robot. 

So after pages and pages of possible tote bag designs, I ended up with Virginia Woolf book covers

But also something called The Cuckoo and The Donkey. 

I dunno, shut up, it spoke to me.

So anyway I had to go out in the hallway and find the teacher and explain the misunderstanding because I felt like I must have appeared brainless. She was gracious.

My first two classes were really  nice as always, which lulled me into a false sense of serenity for the third class to come in and be absolutely heinous. They frequently are, but today was especially bad -  maybe because of the approaching holidays, maybe Mercury was in retrograde, but as my friend Hannah (HI HANNAH) said, there is just a particularly toxic mix of personalities and it makes for a really unpleasant half hour. I tried being reasonable. I tried being angry. I tried being very angry (actually by this point I just was, in fact, very angry). Then we had a secure schools notification so they had to stay even longer. Just when I thought we might have to resort to some of fight-club method of deciding who got to stay in the school and who had to hit the road, they were allowed to leave. I was in fight-or-flight for a good twenty minutes afterwards. The other librarian said we'll discuss it next week and if they don't improve she'll switch them to one of her days, but I don't want to inflict them on someone else. I just want to get better at dealing with them. When I used to waitress, I was terrible at not internalizing every negative interaction. Every now and then I think that if I tried that job now I'd be better at not taking everything so personally. Days like this show that I am most emphatically incorrect about that. 

My last class wasn't able to come because of the lockdown which was a little sad because I love them and there's no circulation next week but I did some shelving to calm down. Sometimes I sort the books into their categories to avoid a bunch of extra steps and get shelving done faster. Sometimes I just take an armful and sort of amble around from section to section according to what the next book is, and I feel very calm and librarian-ish doing it.

In the evening I went to Costco and Indigo with Jody (HI JODY) and did an epic singalong to All I Want for Christmas in the car and that was fabulous. 

Oh, and to round out the whole good things/bad things part of the day, on the way TO school there was a parked car making one street difficult to traverse. I pulled over to let one car go by, and then another car came around the corner quite quickly, so I expected her to go too, but she pulled right over to the curb so I could go next, in a lovely "aren't we all so courteous and civilized" moment. Then on the way home one car swerved suddenly and bashed into a car in the next lane two cars in front of me, resulting in a dramatic strewing of wheels and car parts all over the road, but miraculously no one was hurt and the collision was confined to those two cars. 

I started this post on Thursday and then got really tired, so it is now Sunday but I didn't get Covid! Even though Zarah and I totally sucked on the same weed pen Saturday night! I got to go to the Christmas party! 

Better Living Through Plastic Explosives

 This is the title of a really good book I was sent to review soon after I started my blog (I think it was soon after, who the hell knows, time's lost all meaning), and also how I was feeling this morning while trying to do a "The Future Is Now!" zoom medical call with my dad and his nephrologist (he has idiopathic kidney disease which has been stable for quite a while but needs regular monitoring). I've taken him to the hospital for appointments a few times, and then last time was our first Zoom appointment, made possible presumably because of Covid. Last time went okay, which was a pleasant surprise. This time did not, which was less pleasant, still not that much of a surprise.

My dad came over (their wifi is crap on the main floor so we do it here in the kitchen). They told him to log on a half hour early, for no damned reason I could see, although the nurse did come on at around the correct appointment time. She asked some questions then said the doctor should come on soon. We waited. And waited. And waited. And then we got a message saying 'this meeting has been ended and a new meeting started on this account.' We rejoined, and nothing happened. I tried to call the hospital and the doctor's clinic, and of course there was only the option to leave a message. No one called us. 

Looking back, I was disproportionately angry. My dad's bloodwork was about the same, so it was unlikely the news was going to be bad or surprising. We still hadn't had to drive to the hospital. I was cutting out pictures for my Christmas cards and my dad was looking at them, and that was nice. But it was medical, so I had anxiety, AND it was technology, so I had anxiety, and I felt like I should have been able to fix it, so I was upset with myself (and a little bit with my husband for being in freaking Baltimore, unreasonably). 

My dad finally left. I tried the doctor's clinic one more time and someone answered. I was angrier than I have ever been with a front-facing person, which is to say still not very, but definitely not my usual sweet and self-effacing....self. At first she thought I was mad because of the wait time and said "well sometimes the previous appointment takes longer than expected..." and I was like no Queen, we would have waited all day, but shit didn't work and when it was obvious shit wouldn't work why wouldn't someone call us? And she agreed that was weird, and said she'd try to get the doctor to call my dad. 

So I called my dad and told him that and then went to take a shower to try to shake the yuck. I got in the shower and the phone rang and I got out of the shower and got water all over my bedroom to answer the phone. My dad said the doctor called and everything was fine, and it was the doctor's fault the zoom didn't work and he apologized. So I downgraded from enraged to faintly annoyed.

So I finished showering and then called the clinic back and left a message apologizing for being bitchy. And the receptionist called back a while later while I was baking Chai shortbread (without the sugar, as it turned out, oops) and said oh lord, that was nothing, you have no idea. And after that even the annoyance was gone, and I didn't even swear when I realized my cookies were suitable for diabetics (can't decide if I should offer them on Facebook to someone with a low-sugar diet or just be aggressive with icing).

For the rest of the day I alternated baking batches of shortbread with writing my last Christmas cards (the first of my last Christmas cards, if I'm being scrupulously honest, but these are mostly for people who live closer). 

I did a whirlwind trip to southern Ontario to deliver an exam care package to Eve, who has two weeks of stupid exams before she can come home, and then visit my friend Zarah for Christmas shopping and hanging out and puzzling while slightly high. The drive down started in winter wonderland and ended in extremely sloppy not-great-visibility conditions. When I got out of the Rav and Eve came out and saw it we both burst out laughing, and did again every time we came out of a place and saw it again - after a pause, because it was basically unrecognizable.

I got a couple of pictures of Eve, one of the Rav, a couple of Zarah and about two dozen of the cat.

Yesterday Zarah tested positive for Covid so it will suck if I go down but it was worth it, and I had a great work day and felt really good yesterday. The best interaction was probably with one grade two student who said she couldn't remember my name, and when I told it to her she sighed and said "okay. But you look more like a Valerie."

That's How it Blows

 For some reason the "Find My" Apple feature has been turned on for my iPad, so every time I leave home I get notifications on my phone that my increasingly forlorn iPad is getting further and further away. I turn Bluey on for Lucy when I leave her alone - do I have to start setting my iPad up to watch it too? (That or Criminal Minds, don't judge me).

There was a winter storm warning Sunday night into Monday that didn't end up being that bad, but it was heavy, wet snow, and it stuck to the trees with a vengeance and it is still there and the trees all look flocked. They look like display trees in a Christmas window. It is a Winter Freakin' Wonderland. I cannot overstate how fake and beautiful it looks. I was driving to the dealership to get my winter tires on, in a white snowscape listening to Loreena McKennitt sing The Wexford Carol and I felt like there should be a silent gun battle going on in the field, it was so cinematic. 

Speaking of Lucy

She is and always has been a bit of a jerk to the lovely lady who cleans our house twice a month. I don't know why for sure, but I think it's because she comes in and then does stuff in our house without us being with her, so Lucy assumes we are naive idiots who need to be protected. We've tried a number of things - locking her in the bedroom with one of us, speaking firmly when she barks, ignoring her when she barks, giving J. a treat to give her. Nothing works, or not for long. I've been mulling having a trainer to come in and give me some things to try, but we don't really have the budget for that right now. 

Finally, Sonia started taking her to one of her other homes on cleaning day, and the fact that I could just sit and read or iron or whatever was blissful. Then we had to move cleaning day to Tuesday this week.

I had to bring the car to the dealership for winter tires in the morning, then walked Lucy and then the cleaner showed up and I thought (hoped) 'it'll be fine'.

Reader, it was not fine.

I think it was kind of a "I thought we had decided not to DO this incredibly dangerous thing anymore!" deal. It was horrible. The cleaner never seems too bothered about it, and once I forgot she was coming and she let herself in and Lucy just hung out with her while she cleaned. But this was next-level - so. loud. I kept her in the bedroom with me, but then I got the call that the car was ready and I really wanted to pick it up before dark, but I didn't want to leave Lucy with the cleaner.

I texted my neighbour, who was at work, but said her daughter was home and just to let Lucy out to go through the door in the fence and Victoria would call her in. So I did. But of course she wouldn't go -- even though usually she dashes over there immediately and demands to be let in -- just stood there scream-barking at the back door because clearly I was going to be murdered. So I took her out the front and brought her in that way, and she was happy to see Victoria and Paul and the other dogs, but then when I went to leave she darted between my legs and didn't want to come back in. We were all wheezing with laughter at my asshole dog at this point. We finally coaxed her back in and I made my escape. My neighbour's husband also came over with his snow-blower to take care of my plow row on Monday, so I now owe my neighbours some baked goods or a kidney.

Here is the furry little monster, smushed up against me, exhausted by her ordeal. 

It wasn't quite as trying as this day, but it was close. 

Five(ish) For Friday

 Posting on December first is part of the NaBloPoMo tradition for me. Can I stretch it to December 2 this year? We shall see.

1. I am taking an actual rest day today. Lately I've been pushing myself to still go for a good walk and do yoga and some weights and stuff even on rest days, because I usually feel better if I get outside or do something. But Tuesday I did this and Wednesday my back was absolute misery all day at work. I need to get to physio or get new orthotics or something, and I don't know quite what, but for today I'm just resting. Reading and writing and petting Lucy.

2. Eve has had an absolutely insane November even by November In Third Year standards. She was a bit mopey at the beginning of the year and I suggested that maybe now that she was settled into her program she should consider dropping a course and doing some extracurriculars. Her housemate was auditioning for the Arts and Science musical and she said she was jealous but it would be way too much work on top of her courseload. But she texted me back that she had decided not to drop any courses but to audition for the musical anyway. She told them she only wanted a background role so it wouldn't be as demanding. They said "are you sure?" after her audition and she said, okay, give me whatever. And she got one of the three lead roles. It's not a big university-wide musical, it's one that the students write every year that pokes fun at their program and has parody songs, but it was really good last year and it's been an amazing experience for her. I told her that when she has her inevitable breakdown this year at least she can do it in song. I also told her that she's gotten really great marks for two years, so like, been there done that, try something else. She's still getting pretty good marks, but she's learned to let go a little, and I think that's a great thing to learn.

Video audition

3. Angus presented his thesis proposal a couple of weeks ago and it was received well. He sent us the form he had to fill out for 'using human subjects' and we said it sounded dystopian. He retorted that he ONLY HURTS THEIR MUSCLES. He is studying lower limb power in relation to throwing velocity, so when I asked him if he needed me to send the lab coat he left at home in the summer he said "to protect me from flying sweat?" He also has a workout blog. So, you know, like me, except not remotely.

4. My mom and dad made fun of me (gently) for still buying the kids (adults) advent calendars, so I have ordered a crossword one for my dad and a mocktail one for my mom. Because I am both kind AND petty.

5. Look, actual footage of Engie: 

6. Special thanks to Nicole and Steph, my ever-faithful commenters. I comment on all their blog posts too, just sometimes with a delay because I read blogs on my lunch break but my work computer thinks both their blogs are porn, which they hardly ever are. I loved Steph's comment about my kids' names, especially because sometimes I don't KNOW people are using pseudonyms for their kids and, even though I completely understand why, when I find out I feel a tiny bit like a chump. (This is when people just use straight-up fake names, not, like, Captain Jelly Belly and Miss Bananapants, I generally figure those out on my own). 

7. I got a new CPAP because my old one was apparently under a recall which I didn't find out about for a long time. The new one is smaller and shinier and works fine, but I couldn't rent the same battery pack from my supplier for camping that I had before. I talked about the one we ended up buying in one of my camping posts, but to get recommendations for the best one, I joined a group for women who use CPAP machine on Facebook (I don't know why it would be different for women, but I saw it and thought what the heck). It made me exceedingly grateful that I don't have to jump through all the insurance hoops that people in the U.S. do. I got a diagnosis, I went to a supplier, the provincial government paid for half, and that was that. I'm not sure that is still the case, but I got the new machine for free so it's not really a consideration for me for another ten years or so. So for insurance purposes, the machine keeps track of your usage and stats, and look at this, what in the creepy dystopian fuck:

Thursday School and Whoo! Go us!

 My Thursday school gives me the highest highs and the lowest lows. It's the furthest from my house, and even though the commute is pretty easy (on the highway, one exit), it did give me pause when I was considering the job - even with bad weather driving to work isn't usually an issue for me because all the other schools are so close. It's also my only K-8 school - all the others are K-6.

I thought "hm, it might be interesting being in a K-8 school." And I guess it is, in the way of the Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times". The funny thing is, I don't even have any grade 7 or 8 classes visit me regularly, but it still changes the feel of the school. There was an issue with some of them coming in at recess last year, which I didn't realize wasn't supposed to be allowed, so then they all got in trouble and I got more comfortable being the mean librarian. It is cool seeing a few of the teachers who are really good with them, but wow, is that ever not me.

I have a grade 2 class that I always do storytime with that is always fantastic, even though the kids change from year to year. They are so participatory and funny and appreciative. It's like a special magical time that I get every Thursday and it makes up for a lot. 

The other librarian is an absolutely flawless, archetypal, irreproachable librarian. The space is very cool. She does so many extra things to make it welcoming and engaging and fun. We have puzzles. We have a basket of stuffies the kids can take to read to or squish. We have lap desks and birds nests on display and a ton of plants. I would have worshiped this librarian when I was in school. 

Things I like:

1. Kate, obviously. I only get to work with her at the beginning and ends of terms, when we're not circulating and I go in to catalogue and organize and we hang out. Once a kid from another class came in to ask a question and called me "Other Miss Kate", and I took it as a high compliment.

2. My storytime with the grade two class.

3. When, every once in a blue moon, the kids shut up and actually sit or lie down and read in groups.

4. The kids all have cards, and are actually allowed and encouraged to sign out their books independently, at the main computer and a chromebook set up on a table on the far wall. This gives me more time to help kids look for books rather than sitting in one place asking 'what's your name' a hundred and fifty times. 

5. This whale who we have named Walter White.

6. Great collection - the fact that there are grade 7s and 8s does give us that.

7. Bunnies on the windows.

8. The wooden bins for the picture books. Even though I have to walk around and around trying to remember where all the different bins are and sometimes I think Kate moves them around just to screw with me. 

Things I like less:

1. No office at all. There's a room behind our desk, but it's sort of a resource room. No sink. And the bathroom is far down the hall, so I can't wash my hands as often as I'd like.

2. The library looks lovely, but doesn't feel good. It's on the second floor and has two walls of windows, and I'm always hot and sweaty within twenty minutes. It's just not physically comfortable. 

3. The desk and space behind the desk are a vortex for chaos. It honestly makes me feel a bit weepy and claustrophobic just thinking about it.

I did get a haircut, Nicole, thanks for noticing! I mean, I got a haircut, but that was an old picture, but my haircut looks more or less like that right now:

But I didn't wash my hair today before work, and I looked tired even though I did sleep last night, so I'm using an old picture for this one too. Have I made this confusing enough? 

Thirty-seven minutes until the end of November! It was so much fun doing this with everyone! I always think I'm going to keep blogging every day and then I.... don't. 

Nicole talked about all the things she loves about November in today's post, and I do think there are good things, but November does not love me, and for whatever reason I find it harder and harder to thrive as the month goes on. This has made it more bearable, and I am grateful. I am happy I found San and got in the mix. 

Sleepy Wednesday and What's in a Name

 I am having a difficult week and that is okay.

Friends, I saw every hour on the clock last night. Lucy started moving around at four like she was thinking breakfast would be not a bad idea. Usually we tell her to shut the hell up and lie back down, but today I got up and let her out and fed her on the off chance that I might fall asleep and sleep a little past 6 a.m. which is more like her usual breakfast time. Didn't work, but oh well.

Fortunately I'd had one good night's sleep in the last three, so I was able to keep my composure throughout most of the day. I even managed not to giggle outwardly when a grade-six girl came up to me and said "I told Ms. R. that I found some swears in this book I borrowed. I found some more. Can you please tell her, and also I'd like to renew it please." Something along the lines of St. Augustine's prayer "Lord, grant me chastity and celibacy -- but not yet!"?

It's almost the end of NaBloPoMo and I still have a couple of random things I didn't manage to work into posts, so (Some Number) on a Wednesday it is:

Did somebody do a post about names? I have notes for a post about names. My sister and I never particularly liked our names, but I try not to complain because how the heck DOES one name a baby effectively? It's a total crapshoot. Both my kids like their names well enough - Angus Adams turns out to be a "really sick" baseball name, or so say numerous people including a couple of announcers on ESPN when he was at the Little League World Series (they also called him Double A). Then he went to Elmira and the team nicknamed him Beef. So proud. And Eve Adams? Well, MY last name isn't Adams, and I was in labour for sixty hours, that's my excuse for what her high school math teacher called "the whitest name ever". It's also the same name as a Conservative MP, who Eve wrote a really sweet letter to when she was little (ending "from, Eve Adams (me. Not you)."), and got a sweet letter back, and then we realized that Eve Adams was somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun and regretted letting Eve write the letter a little, BUT then there was a headline in the paper that read "Eve Adams told to behave", and come on, that's funny, right?

When they were in high school they were given names that were their first initial and the first four letters of their last name before the @ symbol. This had to be altered in a few notable situations - Emily Boland ended up with Ebola and Maryam Yassin was Myass. 

Completely awkward segue into last summer when we were at our friends' cottage, where you have to walk down a ten-minute switchback trail to the water and then back up, which results in everyone being newly hot and sweaty (and sucking wind to an embarrassing degree) by the time we get back up to the cottage. Someone realized that there is a hose on the lower deck, and thus was born.... The Hose Shower. We put little bottles of shampoo and soap on the railing and people who cared about getting clean before dinner (read: women, sorry for the stereotyping, but here we are) would stop for a refreshing interlude, in which the name was just part of the wonderfulness of the entire phenomenon. "Come on, let's get these hoes showered." "Into the shower, hoes!" 

I know, I know. Some of us have never had a headline warn us to behave, and it shows.

Warming and Colding

 I'm having a bit of a mental health bobble, and the commiseration over sleep stuff was welcome yesterday. 

I did stay up too late, but fell asleep and slept well. Lucy and I had a cozy morning. I think it was Suzanne who mentioned loving her flannel sheets and wow, same. I was worried that perimenopause would rob me of the joy of flannel sheets, which would have been exceedingly shitty, but as long as I still wear shorts and a tank top, the flannel sheets are great. I bought a set from Bed Bath and freaking Beyond (Sex and the City callback) a couple of years ago and was so immediately smitten I bought a second set. I always get in bed and read with no covers on and the fan on me for the first ten minutes or so so I won't overheat, but this results in very cold feet with regular sheets. When I pull up these ones it's like the bed is hugging me. 

I also have this diffuser from Saje that sucks as a diffuser but is a perfect night light. When I turn off the light and read in bed with my ipad with this on it's like the whole ROOM is hugging me. 

Lucy also approves.

Then we went for a walk because it was sunny and beautiful.

Crack-your-nipples-off cold, but beautiful.

I am getting the things done that needed to get done today, and I feel nicely loosened up after the walk, so I'm not sure why I feel like I'm about to burst into tears. Brains, man. They're weird. 

I made my dad an appointment for bloodwork. Taking my parents for bloodwork was, for the longest time, an ordeal that would make the bravest soldier cower. One of the more memorable occasions is described here (this post is always easy to search because of one memorable phrase - any guesses what that phrase might be?) About a year ago, LifeLabs moved into the neighbourhood, and if I'd known what an improvement it was going to make in my life I would have greeted them with confetti and song. I still make the appointments, but they can drive themselves there! Even my mom! It's at the nearby shopping plaza so she likes to go and then go shopping after! It is THE BEST THING. 

Then I emailed to make my dad's hand surgery appointment. The hand surgeon's admin assistant works by email instead of phone, which I absolutely love. 

Then I washed my CPAP machine and cleaned the kitchen and everything is FINE, everything is GOOD, but I am weepy and weird. Partly it's that time of year where all the moisture has departed the vicinity, and just before I get a migraine I always feel like all the moisture has been sucked out of my body, so right now I'm feeling constantly pre-migraine. Or maybe I am pre-migraine, which would explain a lot. 

Angus texted the family chat that it is likewise cold as balls in Ithaca. Eve is happy because it is snowing in Hamilton. Matt is in New Jersey and I am not sure what the weather is like there. 

I just finished my five-page letter to Matt's aunt that I've been working on for days, so clearly I am an unstoppable dynamo today and my brain should shut the fuck up. I suppose my dog and I will go and sit on the couch with fuzzy blankets for a spell and see if that helps.