Friday, March 25, 2022

Surly Thursday (not really Surly, not really Thursday)

 In fact I'm feeling quite a bit better. I was crazy anxious about going to my Thursday school yesterday, because I had only started a few weeks before, then was sick the week before March Break, then there was March Break, so I felt like I was starting the routine all over again. I've talked about this before, and I don't know if it's common to depressive episodes or if it's just a weird fun thing my brain does - it's not that I don't WANT to do something, and it's not that I'm not confident that Regular Me can do it well. It's this feeling I get like I will start going through the motions and I just... won't be able to make the right moves or say the right words. Like there will be a bunch of second graders staring at me and I will freeze and be unable to move. 

Anyway, I got up and got dressed and drove to the school, and once I was there it was fine, which it usually is, as long as I can get myself out the door. I read in French to the 2/3 class after telling them my French isn't that great and they were allowed to laugh a little, but not too much, and they told me I did really well. Another teacher sent her grade fives alone and then came to check with me if that was okay and reassured me she had told them they wouldn't be able to keep doing it if they misbehaved. They were actually completely wonderful, asked all their questions respectfully and told me to have a good day when they left. One younger girl had donated a few books to the library from her own personal collection and she was concerned that she couldn't find them on the shelves. I explained to her that it can take a while for the books to get catalogued and processed before we can put them out, but she kept looking for them earnestly anyway. When another girl was looking for a mystery, the first girl said wistfully, "the books I gave were mysteries".

The only crappy part of the day was that my trusty Doc Martens let me down AGAIN. A few weeks ago when I was there my left boot randomly ripped a blister in my heel that took over a week to get better. I thought it was a one-off, that I was maybe wearing the wrong sock or something, but the same thing happened yesterday. I'm on my feet for almost this whole shift, so maybe that's it. I ordered some moleskin bandage, but I'm newly discouraged about the footwear situation. Footwear in the winter is always an issue for me, and I can't afford to lose one of my only reliable options.

So aside from my stupid feet, I do have a couple of grievances I have been nursing in my bitter bosom. The first one was an interaction on my Facebook community moms group. This is a new one - I left my old one because I was pissed off and disgusted too often by the complete lack of guidelines and the medical misinformation that was allowed to run unchecked. A friend told me that this group was better, and it has been, much. When the protest/occupation was happening downtown, most people were in agreement that it was bullshit, but a few people piped up about "authoritarianism" and nebulous ideas of "freedom". The moderators banned any convoy discussion at all, other than facts - streets that were open or blocked, etc. I thought this was a good call. Most of what is on there is humorous and supportive and friendly and informative.

This particular entry was a group member asking for advice regarding her mother in law watching her kids. Her mother in law constantly thought the worst of her and would confront her in front of her family regularly. She would feed the kids junk food until they were sick and ignore any guidelines given by the mother. The woman said she recognized that she was "just trying to be a good grandmother" and just wanted to know if she was crazy for having reservations about sending the kids for a week-end visit.

The responses were almost uniformly condemnatory of the woman, NOT the mother-in-law. Everything from "yeah, that's pretty much how it goes with mothers-in-law", "oh, she has the best of intentions", "what I wouldn't GIVE to have my parents back so my kids could have a relationship with them, you ungrateful cow", and "I don't even know why I'm LISTENING to you complaining that she WANTS TO LOOK AFTER your kids". Like, over twenty comments like this.

Am I crazy? I mean, I remember being an overwhelmed mother of babies and toddlers before we had any family anywhere near, and I was desperate for a break from childcare sometimes too. That doesn't justify this kind of gaslighting in my mind. Doesn't feeding the kids junk food until they're sick sound more like the grandma cares more about being liked than about the kids' well-being? I mean, an extra couple of cookies or dessert first? Sure, why not. That's not what was being described. And basically saying that this poor woman should not only put up with being treated badly but be grateful for it, just because the grandmother was "willing" to watch her own grandchildren? "She has the best intentions?" Well how the hell do YOU know that? I found it upsetting not just because I felt like they were being so unfair to her, but because it seemed so out of character for the group. I recognize how fortunate and maybe rare my experience with my mother-in-law was (the worst thing she ever did was buy Eve a hundred-dollar pair of shorts even when Eve told her not to), so feel free to disagree with me. 

For the past year or so I haven't been into watching my usual dark, twisted fare. I usually heartily endorse the Aristotelian concept of catharsis, and really good horror movies are great for evoking pity and fear. Of course, when real life contains such a plethora of pity-and-fear-inducing crap, this becomes less attractive. I dove into a rewatch of Modern Family - so sweet! so funny! so intelligent and heartwarming! - and was utterly bereft when I finished it. Matt went away on a business trip last week, so I thought why not resurrect the very intelligent tradition of watching horror movies and then being too scared to fall asleep in an empty house? I watched a Swedish movie called Border, which turned out to be more of a very dark fairy tale. It didn't scare me in the traditional way, but I thought it was quite brilliant - different, and smart and moving. 

I looked up some reviews of the movie just out of interest. Most were good. One was not only negative, but so ridiculously tone-deaf, male-centered and egotistical that I literally rolled my eyes. The comments were all in agreement with my reaction, at least. The reviewer said that the way the actors were made up was supposed to make them "more human", but instead just made them "weird and creepy". In fact, without major spoilers, the way they look was NOT supposed to make them more human - quite the opposite. And "weird and creepy" read like a nine-year-old boy reviewing a classic movie and downvoting anything that wasn't boobs. The whole review was a real-world manifestation of that "Sorry you didn't get a boner" meme.

We went to the bar Tuesday night as usual, and Wednesday morning one of my best friends, who I was sitting beside, tested positive for Covid. Can't even blame the dropping of the mask mandates, since it was the first day it applied. I'm fine so far, just feeling weird, like I'm sitting here waiting to manifest Covid. I thought fleetingly, maybe I'll get it and lose my ability to taste and smell and I won't feel like eating and I'll lose some weight! Then I kept eating things all day to see if I could still taste stuff (not meaning to make light of Covid, just making fun of how ridiculous I am). 

In conclusion, random picture of Angus and the rest of the team pitching staff.


Monday, March 14, 2022

First Past the (Penis) Post

 The scene: My family room, Ontario Family Day week-end, February 2022

The circumstance: My sister and her family visiting, having picked Eve up for study break on their way through Hamilton. It is the last day or two of the 2022 Winter Olympics.

The players: Wanda (Grandma), Ian (Poppa), Jody (my sister), Andrew (my brother-in-law), Charlotte (my niece), Jonah (my nephew), Matt (my husband), Eve (my daughter), me.

General conversational din

Charlotte, checking her phone: OMG, have you guys seen this thing about the Finnish skier with the frozen penis? 

Everyone: What

Matt: I heard it was so cold they actually shortened the race, so it must have been really cold.

Charlotte: but FROZEN PENIS

Eve, checking her phone: hang on, it was the SECOND TIME? Is he the only one this happens to? I bet it happens all the time but no one talks about it. I bet the other skiers are like DUDE, STOP GIVING INTERVIEWS ABOUT IT.

Jody: The first rule of Frozen Penis Club is we DON'T TALK ABOUT FROZEN PENIS CLUB.

Jonah: He says "you can guess which body part was a little bit frozen when I finished" - we don't have to, you just told us!

Poppa: Can't they wear something warm over it? Are they afraid Penis Warmers won't be aerodynamic enough?

Charlotte: Yeah, like a Crocheted or Knitted Below the Shoulder Boulder Holder

Hilarity peaks, subsides

Grandma (quietly): Beanie for your weenie.

Hilarity Resumes

Later, over dinner, Eve told us about how a group of people, some of them friends of hers, went out on the football field after a big snow and ran around drawing a ten-foot-long penis. They got in quite a bit of trouble with campus security, who let them off with a warning and actually went out on the field to erase the penis. We all thought this was ridiculous because it was literally a medium that would melt anyway, but I observed that this was clearly a foretelling of Frozen Penis Guy, and we all know prophets are hated in their own time. 

Fin

*with apologies to Remi Lindholm because despite all the laughing, we agree that a frozen penis is, in fact, no laughing matter, we are just terrible people

**Andrew rarely participates in our loud vulgarity, but he puts up with all of us cheerfully, and I appreciate that about him

Previous penis post (sometimes penises just pop up everywhere, I don't know why)

Sunday, March 6, 2022

Fear and Loathing in....Everywhere, Basically

 I'm just going to ramble for a bit because I fell in a hole and now I'm at that point where there's an insurmountable wall between me and blogging (and most other things), and waiting until I have a coherent post is going to mean never blogging again. I know everyone is feeling the immense cognitive dissonance of trying to live a normal life while various things on fire keep drawing our attention. But what do you do? Sit there staring at the fire? After we protest, and send money, and agree that it's all horrible and unfair, what else? Stop moving, stop living, stop finding joy in anything? My mother's parents are Polish, and she was born in Austria as they were fleeing from the war and spent her earliest years in refugee camps. She doesn't remember that, but she remembers her parents talking about it. How for the first little bit, you're on the move, maybe carrying a suitcase, your clothes still clean, and it feels weirdly like a vacation, but you keep remembering that you can't actually go home. I don't want this for anyone. It's so stupid and senseless.

Eve managed to get home for study break, "dodging Covid left and right" as she put it (multiple cases in people in her classes and on her residence floor). She's back and she said it's rapidly gone from "oh no, so-and-so has it now" to "another case, OOPS, oh well". Matt is in San Diego for a trade show; the venue has a mask and vaccination policy but he texted me a picture of fifty thousand people at a concert across the road from his hotel. I think we're dropping mask mandates here soon - I haven't really bothered to look up when because I will still be masking for the foreseeable future. 

Someone on Twitter mentioned that the antidepressant she takes works but if she doesn't take it on time she feels like her brain is seeping out her ears. This reminded me of the time I tried that same antidepressant, and it sent me screaming mad. I thought crickets were talking to me. Then there was the one that my doctor recommended because it would be more 'energizing' that wasn't, and when I tried to get off it things went horribly wrong. I went back to my second-generation one because it's not perfect and I get a ton of breakthrough symptoms (in winter especially), but at least I'm not wandering around trying to converse with wildlife like some discount suburban Snow White. 

I've been engaging in some uncomfortable introspection lately (that'll teach me to try not to spend all my time on social media, at least THERE I'm mostly annoyed and disgusted by OTHER people). I was such a weird kid. I was... such a weird teenager and in my twenties? I can't think of a better word than weird. It has taken me such a long time to become anything approaching at peace with who I am. What a giant pain in the ass if I have to do even MORE significant personal growth. 

I've been trying for the past few weeks to do a few of the things that I am invariably saying "I have to start doing X". So far I have played the piano after years of not (I am very bad, keys are very dusty). Listened to part of one podcast. It was not an instant match made in heaven (I liked the podcast fine, I just am not sure I am ready to add another media to books, tv and music - hey, maybe I can listen to podcasts instead of the personal growth thing! Can anyone recommend any podcasts that will definitely not make me grow as a person?) And I had a cup of tea. Shut up, it's February I mean March, I'm doing what I can. Oh, and I accidentally cooked an actual meal last night. 

I love you guys (not drunk. I've almost accidentally quit drinking because I feel so off-kilter all the time because of *gestures broadly at everything* anyway). It's almost a new week. I will try to do something good with it. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Spirals and Sequences and Studies Oh My

This morning I talked myself in a full circle from Worst Day Ever to Everything Is Fine Actually. None of this is new - even new to me. I'm kind of back to Everything In My Life is a Vicious Circle. Every January (since we moved here) I have a vicious headache/migraine for weeks at a time and every year I think This Year Is Different, this can't possibly be normal, and occasionally I have appointments with sinus specialists and I get head CTs and about halfway through February the weather shifts and my head goes more-or-less back to normal (sort-of bitter snort of laughter). My depression and anxiety gets so bad I feel crushing dread at the thought of having to leave the house for literally any reason. 

I managed to apply for a job a couple of weeks ago, figuring that with the speed things move at the school board I might be interviewed some time in February and start in maybe March. As luck would have it, they wanted someone to start, like, immediately. The plus side was I didn't have to go through one of those excruciatingly awkward school board interviews (they give you questions and then leave you alone to make notes and then ask you for your answers while writing down your answers which someone told me is actually designed to be unbalancing which what? why? and I hate them even when I am wholly confident I am right for the job). The other side was I had a brand new job IN JANUARY. Which is all good, it feels like a really fun school and the other library tech could not be nicer and cooler, and I get to wheel around a cart full of books like an old-timey prison librarian and the kids are all so excited about the books and it's great and it will be fun and not-at-all dread-inducing once I get a couple weeks further into the winter.

And then Eve's suitemate got Covid. They had gone back to in-person classes, we knew this could happen. But my sister's family was planning to come for Christmas until Omicron torpedoed that days to go, so the plan was for them to pick up Eve on the Friday night of her February break and come for the Family Day week-end, and we're supposed to celebrate my sister's 51st birthday and Eve's 19th and Matt's 50th, and if that also gets torpedoed with days to go.... (I do have a sort of hierarchy of who I feel worst for in the whole Covid situation, and it goes 1. people who died 2. people who loved people who died 3. people who lost their jobs and were badly financially affected 4. health care workers anyway you get the idea, so I KNOW we're not gold medallers in the Covid Crap Olympics. It's just the waiting is killing me and it's January I mean February.)

We were able to have our annual February Dinner Party (Guys Cook) with our group of friends. It was lovely after I got over my panic attack at having to go because I hadn't left the house for anything other than work and walking the dog in weeks and I hadn't seen our friends that we usually see AT LEAST once a week also for weeks. 

So then I FaceTimed with Eve today and she was a little down because of the aforementioned Covidness, and also some girls had had a screaming match because someone was accusing someone else's boyfriend of not isolating adequately and it was really upsetting to Eve because we don't yell in our family (honestly, that's what she said) and her friends from high school don't yell at each other, and then she said she understood why one girl went off because she was the first to get it and had to go isolate and her feelings were valid even if screaming wasn't, and everyone else is just on edge because they're scared and feeling vulnerable. And then I suggested if she doesn't end up working as a professor or microbiologist maybe she should look into being a therapist and she said "hmm, yeah, I guess the reason my friends don't yell at each other is because when someone gets frustrated they just say 'Eve, tell her what I mean!'" Is it sad that my nineteen-year-old is more emotionally mature than I am?

Then I helped her work on a paper for argumentation about whether there is objectively good music and I was little nervous that I had nothing for one point and I threw a Hail Mary that involved the Fibonacci sequence and she really liked it but then we also needed something to refute it and we got a little nervous that it was too good to refute, but somehow we managed it. 

Yesterday I had to go for a nerve conduction study because I've been having issues with my hands for years and I told my doctor before Christmas and she gave me a referral. Once again, I thought we'd be looking at months out but instead I got an appointment immediately, WHY IS EVERYBODY SO AVAILABLE IN JANUARY AND FEBRUARY SUDDENLY. I know it's not a big deal, but I get SO anxious about medical appointments at the best of times, which this is markedly not. I don't even know why. I guess I think I'm going to get lost or not explain myself clearly or the doctor will think I'm stupid or tell me I don't have any real problems and I shouldn't have come. So naturally the doctor was a five-foot-nothing funny goofy adorable little woman who could not have been sweeter, asked what I did and then wanted to talk about books and is literally trying to write a children's book about her Weimaraner titled Ellie Smelly Belly. AND she confirmed that I have REALLY BAD CARPAL TUNNEL and should probably have surgery! Oh shit, wait....

Tomorrow I'm taking my dad and myself for bloodwork because I don't know, I want this week to suck as bad as humanly possible? Okay that's enough, I feel better getting this all out, I will stop before I talk myself around to feeling worse again. I leave you with a picture of my friend Dave's heartbreakingly perfect Scotch egg from the dinner party. 




Sunday, February 6, 2022

Books Read in 2021: Five-Star Everything

Here they are, the ones that knocked my socks off for whatever reason. I am acutely aware, as I have said, that different readers receive different books, well, differently. I do believe that these are all well-written books, but often the thing that differentiates a good reading experience from a great one is my mood or where I am in life, or the time of year, or several other variables. The same will be true with others according to their state of mind or genre preferences. I'd like to say it doesn't hurt my feelings when someone doesn't like a book I loved, but that would be a lie. I recognize, though, that it shouldn't, and I lie about it fairly convincingly, I think.

My soul-and-skull-crushing migraine has departed. Sometimes I can feel it lurking, but I think it's moved on for now. Yoga is keeping my sciatic pain at bay. The situation downtown is still terrible, but a state of emergency has been declared. In some ways that feels even more frightening, and it remains to be seen whether it will lead to actual movement, but at least something is being done. I'm going to go to work tomorrow and come home and stay off social media, because there really isn't much I can do, and dwelling on it is trashing my mental health. 

It's Eve's nineteenth birthday tomorrow and I'm a little sad she's away for it, but she'll be home in two weeks so we can celebrate, and she had a little party with her friends in residence yesterday that looked really fun. She has a lot of work and still gets stressed, and she's finding being back in class in-person exhausting (which I totally get) but even if she gets weepy on FaceTime she recovers quickly and finds something to laugh about. She's really come into her own since she got back after Christmas, and it's tremendously cool to see. 



YA 

Far, Far Away by Tom McNeal: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde: Synopsis from Goodreads: It says quite a lot about Jeremy Johnson Johnson that the strangest thing about him isn't even the fact his mother and father both had the same last name. Jeremy once admitted he's able to hear voices, and the townspeople of Never Better have treated him like an outsider since. After his mother left, his father became a recluse, and it's been up to Jeremy to support the family. But it hasn't been up to Jeremy alone. The truth is, Jeremy can hear voices. Or, specifically, one voice: the voice of the ghost of Jacob Grimm, one half of the infamous writing duo, The Brothers Grimm. Jacob watches over Jeremy, protecting him from an unknown dark evil whispered about in the space between this world and the next. But when the provocative local girl Ginger Boultinghouse takes an interest in Jeremy (and his unique abilities), a grim chain of events is put into motion. And as anyone familiar with the Grimm Brothers know, not all fairy tales have happy endings..


A main character who hears the voice of Jacob Grimm's ghost? Um yeah, sign me the fuck UP. This is somehow a dark fairy tale and also just a cool YA novel with a hint of the uncanny. This book, like The Colours of Madeleine Trilogy, seems like it should be on Best Of lists and yet I came across it (and the trilogy) fortuitously and accidentally while browsing the library ebook catalogue aimlessly. That makes the whole reading experience seem that much more magical, which is good for me but less so for the book (and the author). I went looking for other books by the same author, and found To Be Sung Underwater, a wonderful adult novel. It looks like he's written other books in both genres, plus some children's book, so yeah. Talented. 

Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror

The Lesson by Cadwell Turnbull: Synopsis from Goodreads: THE LESSON explores the nature of belief, the impact of colonialism, and asks how far are we willing to go for progress? Breaking ground as one of the first science fiction novels set in the Virgin Islands, THE LESSON is not only a thought-provoking literary work, delving deeply into allegorical themes of colonialism, but also vividly draws the community of Charlotte Amalie, wherefrom the author hails. An alien ship rests over Water Island. For five years the people of the U.S. Virgin Islands have lived with the Ynaa, a race of super-advanced aliens on a research mission they will not fully disclose. They are benevolent in many ways but meet any act of aggression with disproportional wrath. This has led to a strained relationship between the Ynaa and the local Virgin Islanders and a peace that cannot last. A year after the death of a young boy at the hands of an Ynaa, three families find themselves at the center of the inevitable conflict, witness and victim to events that will touch everyone and teach a terrible lesson.

I requested this from NetGalley and got it, read a few chapters and was completely engaged, and then somehow it got lost on my Kindle and I didn't rediscover it until recently. This was a huge mistake. This is extremely literate and subtle science fiction, layered onto a story about the fallout from colonialism, family relationships, the struggle between faith and science, fear of the other and a bunch of other things I'm probably missing.

It's a different experience reading about black people in a place where most of the population is racialized, so structural racism obviously exists but isn't played out the same way as it is when they aren't a minority population. The issue of racism set against the perception and treatment of the Ynaa who are literally alien is jarring and illuminating.

The sense of place is vivid and arresting - you can almost feel the heat, smell the vegetation and the cooking. The characters are vibrant and authentic, so even though there are quite a few it's not at all difficult to tell them apart. I had no idea where the story was going to go, but there was a palpable sense of menace and melancholy, of people desperate to connect but doomed by misunderstandings of all sorts.

The way the story starts, with the occupation a foregone conclusion, situates the suspense differently from other alien invasion stories. The Ynaa presence isn't the biggest problem in some of the characters' lives, and the back story of the Ynaa ambassador is endlessly fascinating. This book led me to look immediately for everything else I could find written by this author, and I will read his forthcoming book the second it's available.

The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson: Synopsis from Goodreads: An outsider who can travel between worlds discovers a secret that threatens her new home and her fragile place in it, in a stunning sci-fi debut that’s both a cross-dimensional adventure and a powerful examination of identity, privilege, and belonging. Multiverse travel is finally possible, but there’s just one catch: No one can visit a world where their counterpart is still alive. Enter Cara, whose parallel selves happen to be exceptionally good at dying—from disease, turf wars, or vendettas they couldn’t outrun. Cara’s life has been cut short on 372 worlds in total. On this Earth, however, Cara has survived. Identified as an outlier and therefore a perfect candidate for multiverse travel, Cara is plucked from the dirt of the wastelands. Now she has a nice apartment on the lower levels of the wealthy and walled-off Wiley City. She works—and shamelessly flirts—with her enticing yet aloof handler, Dell, as the two women collect off-world data for the Eldridge Institute. She even occasionally leaves the city to visit her family in the wastes, though she struggles to feel at home in either place. So long as she can keep her head down and avoid trouble, Cara is on a sure path to citizenship and security. But trouble finds Cara when one of her eight remaining doppelgängers dies under mysterious circumstances, plunging her into a new world with an old secret. What she discovers will connect her past and her future in ways she could have never imagined—and reveal her own role in a plot that endangers not just her world, but the entire multiverse.


Omg omg omg I loved this so much. Multiple worlds, interdimensional travel with certain strict rules, Cara's status as, in some ways, the ultimate outsider, questions of identity and family. Just fantastic speculative fiction with wonderful characters (especially when one character is sometimes several characters, you know? Okay, you don't, but you will when you read it) and peerless worldmaking and the age-old dilemma of having to choose between justice and personal safety. Okay, I just had a look at the Goodreads reviews and it appears this is a sharply divisive book, so don't read it on my recommendation because it has been a VERY DIFFICULT month and I don't need the grief. Hmph. 

You Let Me In by Camilla Bruce: Synopsis from Goodreads: You Let Me In delivers a stunning tale from debut author Camilla Bruce, combining the sinister domestic atmosphere of Gillian Flynn's Sharp Objects with the otherwordly thrills of Neil Gaiman's The Ocean at the End of the Lane. Cassandra Tipp is dead...or is she? After all, the notorious recluse and eccentric bestselling novelist has always been prone to flights of fancy--everyone in town remembers the shocking events leading up to Cassie's infamous trial (she may have been acquitted, but the insanity defense only stretches so far). Cassandra Tipp has left behind no body--just her massive fortune, and one final manuscript. Then again, there are enough bodies in her past--her husband Tommy Tipp, whose mysterious disembowelment has never been solved, and a few years later, the shocking murder-suicide of her father and brother. Cassandra Tipp will tell you a story--but it will come with a terrible price. What really happened, out there in the woods--and who has Cassie been protecting all along? Read on, if you dare.

I think the comparisons to Sharp Objects and The Ocean at the End of the Lane are fair - I would also maybe say a super-twisted Life of Pi vibe. My five-star rating is mostly for the pitch-perfect balance between realism and fantasy/magical realism, which strikes me as a very difficult balance to achieve, but the writing is clever and often quite beautiful, while also being incredibly disturbing. Cassandra is a unique voice and a compelling character. Perfect October read - I won't forget this one quickly.

Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Joyce: Synopsis from Goodreads: Walking through his own house at night, a twelve-year-old thinks he sees another person stepping through a doorway. Instead of the people who could be there, his mother or his brother, the figure reminds him of his long-gone father, who died mysteriously before his family left the reservation. When he follows it he discovers his house is bigger and deeper than he knew. The house is the kind of wrong place where you can lose yourself and find things you'd rather not have. Over the course of a few nights, the boy tries to map out his house in an effort that puts his little brother in the worst danger, and puts him in the position to save them . . . at terrible cost. 

"There are rules, I know. Not knowing them doesn't mean they don't apply to you."


This was devastating. I don't even know how to review it. The yearning for the lost father, the cycle of poverty and loss and longing, the cascade of wrongness and injustice, all rendered in the most beautiful, scarring language. Laid me right open. 

Mystery/Thriller

The Night Swim by Megan Goldin: Synopsis from Goodreads: After the first season of her true crime podcast became an overnight sensation and set an innocent man free, Rachel Krall is now a household name―and the last hope for thousands of people seeking justice. But she’s used to being recognized for her voice, not her face. Which makes it all the more unsettling when she finds a note on her car windshield, addressed to her, begging for help. The small town of Neapolis is being torn apart by a devastating rape trial. The town’s golden boy, a swimmer destined for Olympic greatness, has been accused of raping a high school student, the beloved granddaughter of the police chief. Under pressure to make Season Three a success, Rachel throws herself into interviewing and investigating―but the mysterious letters keep showing up in unexpected places. Someone is following her, and she won’t stop until Rachel finds out what happened to her sister twenty-five years ago. Officially, Jenny Stills tragically drowned, but the letters insists she was murdered―and when Rachel starts asking questions, nobody seems to want to answer. The past and present start to collide as Rachel uncovers startling connections between the two cases that will change the course of the trial and the lives of everyone involved. Electrifying and propulsive, The Night Swim asks: What is the price of a reputation? Can a small town ever right the wrongs of its past? And what really happened to Jenny? 

“The idea that guilt must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt dates back to the eighteenth-century British jurist Sir William Blackstone, who wrote in his seminal works that underpin our legal system: “Better than ten guilty persons escape, than that one innocent suffer.”Studies show that rapists tend to be repeat offenders more than other criminals. They go on to rape again, at a rate of around five rapes in their lifetime. That means the ten guilty rapists who escape, to paraphrase Sir Blackstone, might go on to rape fifty women”

Another book about a true crime podcast. That was done really well, but it also deftly layers in an incisive commentary on rape culture, particularly as it impacts on lower income girls and women. I find a book that can tell an engaging story while also illustrating a destructive social problem really impressive. Looking forward to reading more of her work. 

Crimson Lake (Crimson Lake #1) by Candice Fox: Synopsis from Goodreads: Crimson Lake, by Sydney-based, Ned Kelly Award-winning author Candice Fox, is a thrilling contemporary crime novel set in Queensland, Australia, perfect for readers of authors like James Patterson, Harlan Coben, Lisa Gardner, and Tana French. How do you move on when the world won’t let you? 12:46: Claire Bingley stands alone at a bus stop 12:47: Ted Conkaffey parks his car beside her 12:52: The girl is missing . . . Six minutes in the wrong place at the wrong time—that’s all it took to ruin Sydney detective Ted Conkaffey’s life. Accused but not convicted of a brutal abduction,Ted is now a free man—and public enemy number one. Maintaining his innocence, he flees north to keep a low profile amidst the steamy, croc-infested wetlands of Crimson Lake. 

There, Ted’s lawyer introduces him to eccentric private investigator Amanda Pharrell, herself a convicted murderer. Not entirely convinced Amanda is a cold-blooded killer, Ted agrees to help with her investigation, a case full of deception and obsession, while secretly digging into her troubled past. The residents of Crimson Lake are watching the pair's every move... and the town offers no place to hide.

Redemption Point (Crimson Lake #2) by Candice Fox: Synopsis from Goodreads: When former police detective Ted Conkaffey was wrongly accused of abducting Claire Bingley, he hoped the Queensland rainforest town of Crimson Lake would be a good place to disappear. But nowhere is safe from Claire's devastated father.  Dale Bingley has a brutal revenge plan all worked out - and if Ted doesn't help find the real abductor, he'll be its first casualty. Meanwhile, in a dark roadside hovel called the Barking Frog Inn, the bodies of two young bartenders lie on the beer-sodden floor. It's Detective Inspector Pip Sweeney's first homicide investigation - complicated by the arrival of private detective Amanda Pharrell to 'assist' on the case. Amanda's conviction for murder a decade ago has left her with some odd behavioural traits, top-to-toe tatts - and a keen eye for killers . . . For Ted and Amanda, the hunt for the truth will draw them into a violent dance with evil. Redemption is certainly on the cards - but it may well cost them their lives.

Gone by Midnight (Crimson Lake #3) by Candice Fox: Synopsis from Goodreads: Crimson Lake is where people with dark pasts come to disappear—and where others vanish into thin air… Four young boys are left alone in a hotel room while their parents dine downstairs. When Sara Farrow checks on the children at midnight, her son is missing. Distrustful of the police, Sara turns to Crimson Lake’s unlikeliest private investigators—disgraced cop Ted Conkaffey and convicted killer Amanda Pharrell. For Ted, the case couldn’t have come at a worse time. Two years ago a false accusation robbed him of his career, his reputation, and most importantly, his family. But now Lillian, the daughter he barely knows, is coming to stay in his ramshackle cottage by the lake. Ted must dredge up the area’s worst characters to find the missing boy. The clock is ticking, and the danger he uncovers could well put his own child in deadly peril.

-”Because whatever Hollywood-inspired expectations I’d had about making friends in prison, I knew almost straightaway that it was impossible. Prison is full of criminals, who can and will sell out anyone around for even the smallest comfort. It’s better to have the thicker mattress than a friend. It’s better to have extended TV time than a friend. It’s better to move down to a less secure section than to have a friend. In all situations, making sacrifices so you can make a friend isn’t worth it. You do get close to people so that as a group you can take or protect these small advantages and comforts from other groups of people, but the people in your group aren’t your ‘friends.’ Inside the group, it’s only a matter of time before those advantages have to be divided, and then it’s every man for himself.”


I'm reviewing the whole trilogy instead of each book separately partly because I read them back to back, partly because they are a single entity in my mind, and partly because I'm just running out of words. I think I mentioned I got really into Australian mysteries this year - grateful for whatever vagaries of the publishing world have made them more available here. Many of them were excellent, but these were the ones that blew me away. In lesser hands the story lines could seem sensationalized, but the writing is deft and assured enough to override that. It's a profound study of what it's like to live in the wake of being falsely accused of something unforgivable, a convincing portrayal of remote small-town insularity, and two broken people with a whack-ass friendship rebuilding their lives. I was so sad when it was all over. 

Exit by Belinda Bauer: Synopsis from Goodreads: IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE MURDER ...Pensioner Felix Pink is about to find out that it’s never too late ... for life to go horribly wrong. When Felix lets himself in to Number 3 Black Lane, he’s there to perform an act of kindness and charity: to keep a dying man company as he takes his final breath ... But just fifteen minutes later Felix is on the run from the police – after making the biggest mistake of his life. Now his routine world is turned upside down as he tries to discover what went wrong, while staying one step ahead of the law.

-”However, that kindness was doing him no favours. Skipper was older than him and terribly frail. But he was also enraged -- whereas Felix was only sorry he’d ever come. He finally gripped the business end of the walking stick and tried to wrestle it away from his assailant in a series of jerks that only succeeded in unbalancing them both and -- after an odd, tottering tango around the end of the bed -- they both fell over and hit the floor with matching grunts.”

I feel like I've already used up all the superlatives on all the other Belinda Bauer books I've read. She's so damned good. It's like every book is both the perfect mystery and the perfect novel about human connection and the general perversity of things and the universe being a giant dick and then sometimes also being surprisingly kind. It's vanishingly rare to find all of those things in a single book, and she keeps turning them out reliably. I couldn't smash the 'borrow' button fast enough. It was about medically-assisted death, what to do when your partner has died and you think your life is basically over, policing in a small town, generational trauma, gambling, dogs, and an asshole cat. It was perfection.

Non-Fiction/Memoir

Wow, No Thank-You: Essays by Samantha Irby: Synopsis from Goodreads: A new essay collection from Samantha Irby about aging, marriage, settling down with step-children in white, small-town America. Irby is turning forty, and increasingly uncomfortable in her own skin. She has left her job as a receptionist at a veterinary clinic, has published successful books and is courted by Hollywood, left Chicago, and moved into a house with a garden that requires repairs and know-how with her wife and two step-children in a small white, Republican town in Michigan where she now hosts book clubs. This is the bourgeois life of dreams. She goes on bad dates with new friends, spends weeks in Los Angeles taking meetings with "skinny, luminous peoples" while being a "cheese fry-eating slightly damp Midwest person," "with neck pain and no cartilage in [her] knees," and hides Entenmann's cookies under her bed and unopened bills under her pillow.

“I don’t do anything hard, because my life has already been hard. You know those people who are always running and jumping and diving into some challenging bullshit to test themselves? That’s not me.”

Holy shit, this lady is funny. 

Know My Name by Chanel Miller: Synopsis from Goodreads: She was known to the world as Emily Doe when she stunned millions with a letter. Brock Turner had been sentenced to just six months in county jail after he was found sexually assaulting her on Stanford’s campus. Her victim impact statement was posted on BuzzFeed, where it instantly went viral–viewed by eleven million people within four days, it was translated globally and read on the floor of Congress; it inspired changes in California law and the recall of the judge in the case. Thousands wrote to say that she had given them the courage to share their own experiences of assault for the first time. Now she reclaims her identity to tell her story of trauma, transcendence, and the power of words. It was the perfect case, in many ways–there were eyewitnesses, Turner ran away, physical evidence was immediately secured. But her struggles with isolation and shame during the aftermath and the trial reveal the oppression victims face in even the best-case scenarios. Her story illuminates a culture biased to protect perpetrators, indicts a criminal justice system designed to fail the most vulnerable, and, ultimately, shines with the courage required to move through suffering and live a full and beautiful life. Know My Name will forever transform the way we think about sexual assault, challenging our beliefs about what is acceptable and speaking truth to the tumultuous reality of healing. It also introduces readers to an extraordinary writer, one whose words have already changed our world. Entwining pain, resilience, and humor, this memoir will stand as a modern classic.

-”In rape cases it’s starnge to me when poeple say, Well why didn’t you fight him? If you woke up to a robber in your home, saw him taking your stuff people wouldn’t ask, Well why didn’t you fight him? Why didn’t you tell him no? He’s already violating an unspoken rule, why would he suddenly decide to adhere to reason? What would give you reason to think he’d stop if you told him to? And in this case, with my being unconscious, why were there still so many questions?”

-”Ram Dass said, Allow that you are at this moment not in the wrong place in your life. Consider the possibility that there have been no errors in the game. Just consider it. Consider that there is not an error, and everything that’s come down on your plate is the way it is and here we are. I don’t believe it was my fate to be raped. But I do believe that here we are is all we have. For a long time, it was too painful to be here. My mind preferred to be dissociated. I used to believe the goal was forgetting.


It took me a long time to learn healing is not about advancing. It is about returning repeatedly to forage something. Writing this book allowed me to go back to that place. I learned to stay in the hurt, to resist leaving.”

I didn't want to read this book. I thought I knew a lot of what it was going to say and I didn't want to go there again. I was wrong, and I'm really, really glad I forced myself, because the whole point of it was that she's more than just Brock Turner's victim, and it's an amazing book in its own right. I never, ever think that "things happen for a reason", like a terminal illness or a horrible life event that results in growth or something for a person - the growth is incidental, we don't get to think that that person should be grateful for the suffering. But what a gift to the world that this woman - so emotionally mature and articulate for her age, so able to voice some vitally important things about rape culture and how the justice system treats sexual assault cases, such a beautiful writer and a funny, witty, compassionate person - gave us this book. I would have happily read about her life even if she hadn't gone through what she did. I am incensed that she had to go through what she did, but so impressed and grateful that she gave us this book.

 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb: Synopsis from Goodreads: From a New York Times best-selling author, psychotherapist, and national advice columnist, a hilarious, thought-provoking, and surprising new book that takes us behind the scenes of a therapist's world -- where her patients are looking for answers (and so is she). One day, Lori Gottlieb is a therapist who helps patients in her Los Angeles practice. The next, a crisis causes her world to come crashing down. Enter Wendell, the quirky but seasoned therapist in whose office she suddenly lands. With his balding head, cardigan, and khakis, he seems to have come straight from Therapist Central Casting. Yet he will turn out to be anything but. As Gottlieb explores the inner chambers of her patients' lives -- a self-absorbed Hollywood producer, a young newlywed diagnosed with a terminal illness, a senior citizen threatening to end her life on her birthday if nothing gets better, and a twenty-something who can't stop hooking up with the wrong guys -- she finds that the questions they are struggling with are the very ones she is now bringing to Wendell. With startling wisdom and humor, Gottlieb invites us into her world as both clinician and patient, examining the truths and fictions we tell ourselves and others as we teeter on the tightrope between love and desire, meaning and mortality, guilt and redemption, terror and courage, hope and change. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is revolutionary in its candor, offering a deeply personal yet universal tour of our hearts and minds and providing the rarest of gifts: a boldly revealing portrait of what it means to be human, and a disarmingly funny and illuminating account of our own mysterious lives and our power to transform them.

-”’Or I could just leave a pair of boxing gloves at the door so you could hit yourself with them all session. Would that be easier?’ Wendell smiles, and I feel myself take in some air, let it out, relax into the kindness. I flash on a thought I often have when seeing my own self-flagellating patients: You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now. There is a difference, I point out to them, between self-blame and self-responsibility., which is a corollary to something Jack Kornfield said: ‘A second quality of mature spirituality is kindness. It is based on a fundamental notion of self-acceptance.’ In therapy we aim for self-compassion (Am I human?) versus self-esteem (a judgment: Am I good or bad?)


It seems weird to be happy that Lori Gottlieb's boyfriend dumped her so we could have this book. But the twinned structure of her treating her patients and being treated in turn by her therapist, and the attendant vagaries of both, works so beautifully. This book was just filled with so much insight and kindness. It made me think I should consider therapy, and then laugh at myself as I realized how bad I would be for trying to anticipate what my therapist expected of me and then trying to either meet or subvert those expectations. I admire Gottlieb's honesty and self-critical faculties. 

Fiction

Igifu by Scholastique Mukasonga: Synopsis from Goodreads: The stories in Igifu summon phantom memories of Rwanda and radiate with the fierce ache of a survivor. From the National Book Award finalist who Zadie Smith says, "rescues a million souls from the collective noun genocide." Scholastique Mukasonga's autobiographical stories rend a glorious Rwanda from the obliterating force of recent history, conjuring the noble cows of her home or the dew-swollen grass they graze on. In the title story, five-year-old Colomba tells of a merciless overlord, hunger or igifu, gnawing away at her belly. She searches for sap at the bud of a flower, scraps of sweet potato at the foot of her parent's bed, or a few grains of sorghum in the floor sweepings. Igifu becomes a dizzying hole in her stomach, a plunging abyss into which she falls. In a desperate act of preservation, Colomba's mother gathers enough sorghum to whip up a nourishing porridge, bringing Colomba back to life. This elixir courses through each story, a balm to soothe the pains of those so ferociously fighting for survival. Her writing eclipses the great gaps of time and memory; in one scene she is a child sitting squat with a jug of sweet, frothy milk and in another she is an exiled teacher, writing down lists of her dead. As in all her work, Scholastique sits up with them, her witty and beaming beloved.

-”When dawn came, we were greatly surprised to find ourselves lying fully clothed side by side...little by little came reassuring news… The Nyamata market was bustling as always. At noon, the alarm was lifted. The days ahead would be hard, because we’d used up all our provisions to face the great fear. Now we would go back to a life lived on borrowed time, back to the everyday fear. They hadn’t come this time, but we knew one day they would.”


Well, this was utterly devastating and I have no idea how to review it. I keep picturing myself as this privileged basic-ass white woman weeping trying to tell people how life-changing this book is while, well, not really changing anything. Mukasonga is a Tutsi from Rwanda and the stories are from that point of view, so I assume there are autobiographical elements. They are the soul of simplicity - focusing on how the demon of hunger directs and fills a child's entire day, or how the Tutsis love and revere their cows and how wrenching it is when that simple pleasure is denied them in exile, or how beauty is more of a curse than a blessing when you are a marginalized person. And there is the shame of being poor and hungry and oppressed, and the daily, moment-to-moment grief and terror and conviction that, even once the genocide wasn't present anymore, any person you meet on the street could be planning to kill you. How does one group of people do this to another group, based on nothing but a name they call themselves? How does the rest of the world let it happen?

Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi: Synopsis from Goodreads: Yaa Gyasi's stunning follow-up to her acclaimed national best seller Homegoing is a powerful, raw, intimate, deeply layered novel about a Ghanaian family in Alabama. Gifty is a fifth-year candidate in neuroscience at Stanford School of Medicine studying reward-seeking behavior in mice and the neural circuits of depression and addiction. Her brother, Nana, was a gifted high school athlete who died of a heroin overdose after a knee injury left him hooked on OxyContin. Her suicidal mother is living in her bed. Gifty is determined to discover the scientific basis for the suffering she sees all around her.But even as she turns to the hard sciences to unlock the mystery of her family's loss, she finds herself hungering for her childhood faith and grappling with the evangelical church in which she was raised, whose promise of salvation remains as tantalizing as it is elusive. Transcendent Kingdom is a deeply moving portrait of a family of Ghanaian immigrants ravaged by depression and addiction and grief--a novel about faith, science, religion, love. Exquisitely written, emotionally searing, this is an exceptionally powerful follow-up to Gyasi's phenomenal debut. 

“I knew what those glances meant, but I wasn’t ready for that long walk down to the altar, for the entire congregation to train their eyes on me, praying that Jesus take my sins away. I still wanted my sins. I still wanted my childhood, my freedom to fall asleep in big church with little consequence. I didn’t know what would become of me once I crossed the line from sinner to saved.”

This author's first book was one of my favourites of last year, so I thought might as well read this one and probably find it lacking by comparison. Nope. Still brilliant. Still interweaves elements of faith and history with modern struggles and traumas. A wrenching picture of the devastation wrought by addiction, and the ways we use our study and work to try to resolve childhood and family wounds. 


Butter Honey Pig Bread by Francesca Ekwuyasi: Synopsis from Goodreads: Spanning three continents, Butter Honey Pig Bread tells the interconnected stories of three Nigerian women: Kambirinachi and her twin daughters, Kehinde and Taiye. Kambirinachi believes that she is an Ogbanje, or an Abiku, a non-human spirit that plagues a family with misfortune by being born and then dying in childhood to cause a human mother misery. She has made the unnatural choice of staying alive to love her human family but lives in fear of the consequences of her decision. Kambirinachi and her two daughters become estranged from one another because of a trauma that Kehinde experiences in childhood, which leads her to move away and cut off all contact. She ultimately finds her path as an artist and seeks to raise a family of her own, despite her fear that she won't be a good mother. Meanwhile, Taiye is plagued by guilt for what her sister suffered and also runs away, attempting to fill the void of that lost relationship with casual flings with women. She eventually discovers a way out of her stifling loneliness through a passion for food and cooking. But now, after more than a decade of living apart, Taiye and Kehinde have returned home to Lagos. It is here that the three women must face each other and address the wounds of the past if they are to reconcile and move forward. For readers of African diasporic authors such as Teju Cole and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Butter Honey Pig Bread is a story of choices and their consequences, of motherhood, of the malleable line between the spirit and the mind, of finding new homes and mending old ones, of voracious appetites, of queer love, of friendship, faith, and above all, family.

-”If you ask Kambirinachi, this is how she’ll tell it: There was a spirit, a child, whose reluctance to be born, and subsequent boredom with life, caused her to come and go between realms as she pleased. Succumbing to the messy ordeal of being birthed, she would traverse to the flesh realm, only to carelessly, suddenly, let go of living like it was an inconvenient load. Death is only a doorway, and her dying was always a simple event; she would merely stop breathing. It was her nature. The dark tales of malevolent spirit children, Ogbanjes, are twisted and untrue. It was never her intention to cause her mother misery; she was just restless. It was just the way.”

-”Our mother is not well. I can scarcely remember a time when she was. She is a vast garden of water-hungry flowers in a land of perpetual drought.”

Brilliant, filled with passion and colour and flavour and magical realism. I read this concurrently with How to Pronounce Knife and appreciated how it reminded me why representation is important and diversity in literature is crucial. How to Pronounce Knife is about being different and unwelcome, and racism plays a big part. Butter Honey Pig Bread has trauma, but not centered in ethnicity or racism. Much of it takes part in Nigeria, the home country of the characters, and the daughters' experiences in the UK and Canada are largely positive. It's about family and food and healing, not racism. And we need both types of book.

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke: Synopsis from Goodreads: Piranesi's house is no ordinary building: its rooms are infinite, its corridors endless, its walls are lined with thousands upon thousands of statues, each one different from all the others. Within the labyrinth of halls an ocean is imprisoned; waves thunder up staircases, rooms are flooded in an instant. But Piranesi is not afraid; he understands the tides as he understands the pattern of the labyrinth itself. He lives to explore the house.There is one other person in the house—a man called The Other, who visits Piranesi twice a week and asks for help with research into A Great and Secret Knowledge. But as Piranesi explores, evidence emerges of another person, and a terrible truth begins to unravel, revealing a world beyond the one Piranesi has always known.

-”My only difficulty was that I did not know how to sign the letter. I could not write ‘YOUR FRIEND’ as I did when I wrote to the Other or to Laurence (the person who had wanted to see the Statue of an Elderly Fox teaching some Squirrels). 16 and I were not friends. I tried putting ‘your enemy’ but this seemed unnecessarily confrontational. I considered ‘the one who will never submit to being driven mad by you’ but that was rather long (and not a little pompous). In the end, I simply but: PIRANESI. This being what the Other calls me. (But I do not think that is my name)."

I stuck this in the "book about art" square (there are a lot of descriptions of statues) for Book Bingo, but I was never not going to read it because I loved Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell so (although that same fact made me afraid this would suffer by comparison). I don't even know how to say how many ways this amazed me. It's so different from Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell and yet equally as wonderful. It's the most perfectly-paced book I can ever recall reading - even when virtually nothing was happening I was completely content to stay immersed in the beautifully detailed exquisiteness of the world, even as I could feel the inevitable drawing closer by excruciatingly measured and unhurried increments. And Piranesi! What a heart-stirringly flawlessly complex and yet consummately simple creation of a character. This is masterful. I am smitten. Please god may another 16 years not go by before her next book.


How the Penguins Saved Veronica by Hazel Prior: Synopsis from Goodreads: A curmudgeonly but charming old woman, her estranged grandson, and a colony of penguins proves it's never too late to be the person you want to be in this rich, heartwarming story from the acclaimed author of Ellie and the Harpmaker. Eighty-five-year-old Veronica McCreedy is estranged from her family and wants to find a worthwhile cause to leave her fortune to. When she sees a documentary about penguins being studied in Antarctica, she tells the scientists she’s coming to visit—and won’t take no for an answer. Shortly after arriving, she convinces the reluctant team to rescue an orphaned baby penguin. He becomes part of life at the base, and Veronica's closed heart starts to open. Her grandson, Patrick, comes to Antarctica to make one last attempt to get to know his grandmother. Together, Veronica, Patrick, and even the scientists learn what family, love, and connection are all about.

--”Not me. Not anymore. Nobody could call my life a success. Why make the effort to hang on to it any longer? And yet. When a cannonball of a young penguin propels himself onto your prostrate body and stares into your face with glittering eyes, you stop whatever you are doing for a moment, even if what you are doing is dying.”

Oh sure, I could screw around with four stars, but whatever, I found this amazing and it was exactly the book I wanted to read right as I read it. I suspect that it seems much easier to write this kind of book than it actually is. It's both simple and utterly profound, and I loved it. Also, what the hell have I been doing with my life that I haven't spent more time around penguins?

Milkman by Anna Bruce:Synopsis from Goodreads: In this unnamed city, to be interesting is dangerous. Middle sister, our protagonist, is busy attempting to keep her mother from discovering her maybe-boyfriend and to keep everyone in the dark about her encounter with Milkman. But when first brother-in-law sniffs out her struggle, and rumours start to swell, middle sister becomes 'interesting'. The last thing she ever wanted to be. To be interesting is to be noticed and to be noticed is dangerous.
Milkman is a tale of gossip and hearsay, silence and deliberate deafness. It is the story of inaction with enormous consequences.

Someone put this on our book club list, and when I opened it and saw the massive blocks of text with scarcely any paragraph breaks my heart sank. I started reading and was almost instantly beguiled. There are no names, just designations (first brother-in-law, maybe boyfriend, little sisters, milkman and the milkman, who are not the same). The protagonist likes to read and so has put herself in the 'beyond-the-pale' camp, without certain protections afforded to 'normal' citizens. A paramilitary man decides to make her an object of his sexual interest, and even though she does not have an affair with him or want to, everybody shortly believes that she has. The parts where she tries to get her own mother to believe and understand her made my head physically hurt and my fists clench. There is great violence, terror, absurdity, black humour and fleeting tenderness. It's an eerily visceral capture of what it's like to live in a place riven by political division with frequent eruptions of violence, and what it's like to be a young woman (or any woman) who is not believed about ongoing sexual harassment and assault. It's freaking brilliant. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

Books Read in 2021: Four-Star Non-Fiction and Fiction

Omg, Suzanne (HI SUZANNE), I'm so excited to meet someone who's read Sophie Hannah - I felt like a new weird world had opened up to me with her first book. A couple of times she's missed the mark slightly, but many of the series books are amazing and The Orphan Choir is one of my favourite scary books ever! I just borrowed Perfect Little Children from the library. 

The winter of my discontent continues apace. The Worst Migraine Ever abated slightly yesterday, but is creeping back today. The lack of movement brought on by the migraine has caused a sciatica flare-up in my right leg - I went to the chiropractor today so hopefully that will help. My CPAP mask is making my nose bleed, which happens now and then, but is quite problematic, because the choices are to keep wearing it and worsen the irritation or not wear it and sleep very badly and feel like hell when I wake up. This makes me feel utterly despairing, given the fact that I can't even SLEEP right - like, something that BRAND NEW HUMANS ace effortlessly, I fail at. It just today struck me that the fact that it's super dry right now ("There's no moisture anywhere in the city" as one of my friends once put it) might have an effect on sleep apnea, and I looked it up and SURPRISE, dry air is very bad for sleep apnea. I am skipping over the "why the hell didn't I realize this before" and going straight to ordering a humidifier.

Anyway, enough complaining. It has actually helped to have the book posts to work away at when I can maintain the focus, so I'm appreciative of everybody who reads and comments. Also, I just proofread this post and found six mistakes in four seconds, so I apologize for the ones that I've missed.

Four-Star Non-Fiction

Blues Legacy and Black Feminism: Gertrude 'Ma' Rainey, Bessie Smith and Billie Holiday by Angela Y. Davis:  Synopsis from Goodreads: From one of this country's most important intellectuals comes a brilliant analysis of the blues tradition that examines the careers of three crucial black women blues singers through a feminist lens. Angela Davis provides the historical, social, and political contexts with which to reinterpret the performances and lyrics of Gertrude Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith, and Billie Holiday as powerful articulations of an alternative consciousness profoundly at odds with mainstream American culture. The works of Rainey, Smith, and Holiday have been largely misunderstood by critics. Overlooked, Davis shows, has been the way their candor and bravado laid the groundwork for an aesthetic that allowed for the celebration of social, moral, and sexual values outside the constraints imposed by middle-class respectability. Through meticulous transcriptions of all the extant lyrics of Rainey and Smith--published here in their entirety for the first time--Davis demonstrates how the roots of the blues extend beyond a musical tradition to serve as a conciousness-raising vehicle for American social memory. A stunning, indispensable contribution to American history, as boldly insightful as the women Davis praises, Blues Legacies and Black Feminism is a triumph. 

I went looking for a good book about music to read to fit a book bingo square and ended up ordering this. I didn't know anything about Angela Y. Davis but she's apparently an important and influential writer and speaker on intersectional black feminism and prison abolition.
I read this very slowly, a few pages a night, because it's structured like and uses the vocabulary of academic writing, so it's not dry, but doesn't read quickly, and bears some thinking about. It highlights some things about the blues that seem screamingly obvious but that I had never thought about, such as the fact that black female sexuality and issues such as homosexuality were suddenly foregrounded, whereas in the Negro spirituals and gospel music that the form is rooted in, no mention was ever made of sexuality.
Davis makes an excellent case for the fact that, even though blues music wasn't overtly political, the very fact that these women (often misunderstood and mistreated by critics, and are still often overlooked in favour of male blues artists) gave voice to their struggles at all laid the groundwork for political consciousness and protest.
She then gets into many cases where she claims that the way Rainey, Smith and Holiday performed certain songs actually belied the words they were singing. To a point I get this, and after that point it seemed like maybe she was forcing the point, but I defer to her expertise on that. The section about the song "Strange Fruit" is fascinating all on its own.

This was excellent. Her voice is clear and intelligent and I will be looking out for more of her writing.

My Own Blood: A Memoir of Madness and Special Needs Parenting by Ashley Bristowe: Synopsis from Goodreads: Mothering under normal circumstances takes all you have to give. But what happens when your child is disabled, and sacrificing all you've got and more is the only hope for a decent future? Full of rage and resilience, duty and love, Ashley Bristowe delivers a mother's voice like no other we've heard. When their second child, Alexander, is diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder, doctors tell Ashley Bristowe and her husband that the boy won't walk, or even talk--that he is profoundly disabled. Stunned and reeling, Ashley researches a disorder so new it's just been named--Kleefstra Syndrome--and she finds little hope and a maze of obstacles. Then she comes across the US-based "Institutes," which have been working to improve the lives of brain-injured children for decades. Recruiting volunteers, organizing therapy, juggling a million tests and appointments, even fundraising as the family falls deep into debt, Ashley devotes years of 24/7 effort to running an impossibly rigorous diet and therapy programme for their son with the hope of saving his life, and her own. The ending is happy: he will never be a "normal" boy, but Alexander talks, he walks, he swims, he plays the piano (badly) and he goes to school. This victory isn't clean and it's far from pretty; the personal toll on Ashley is devastating. "It takes a village," people say, but too much of their village is uncomfortable with her son's difference, the therapy regimen's demands and the family's bottomless need. The health and provincial services bureaucracy set them a maddening set of hoops to jump through, showing how disabled children and their families languish because of criminally low expectations about what can be done to help. My Own Blood is an uplifting story, but it never shies away from the devastating impact of a baby that science couldn't predict and medicine couldn't help. It's the story of a woman who lost everything she'd once been--a professional, an optimist, a joker, a capable adult--in sacrifice to her son. An honest account of a woman's life turned upside down.


You may recall the blog post I wrote about finding out that this book existed, and realizing I knew the author indirectly.

Anyway, it's a fantastic book. She writes really well, and it's an engaging, moving story. I could pick at some things, because there's a small, petty part of me that can always pick at some things. In some ways she's very self-aware and in others, less so. I absolutely get that when you have a disabled child it feels like all of your friends don't help you enough, but it often feels that way when you have a neurotypical child too, but I was self-aware enough to realize that people without kids have their own shit going on, and I wouldn't write a book calling the out for not helping. Ditto with her family - either they are a bunch of gaslighting narcissists or she threw them under the bus because she was having a rough time - some stuff she says at the end of the book makes it hard to tell the difference.
The program they end up following from The Institutes of whatever in the U.S. sounds about thirty percent science based and the rest pyramid scheme/pseudoscience/ woo, and I understand that they were exhausted and desperate enough to just follow it anyway, but again she doesn't really seem to acknowledge that. There's no way to know if they would have had the same level of success without it, so I guess that's vindication enough?

Regardless, I couldn't stop reading. It's raw and honest in a way a lot of memoirs involving disabled children aren't, sometimes brutally so, and I respect that. And she's a really good writer.

What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon: Synopsis from Goodreads: From the creator of Your Fat Friend, an explosive indictment of the systemic and cultural bias facing plus-size people that will move us toward creating an agenda for fat justice. Anti-fatness is everywhere. In What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat, Aubrey Gordon unearths the cultural attitudes and social systems that have led to people being denied basic needs because they are fat and calls for social justice movements to be inclusive of plus-sized people's experiences. Unlike the recent wave of memoirs and quasi self-help books that encourage readers to love and accept themselves, Gordon pushes the discussion further towards authentic fat activism, which includes ending legal weight discrimination, giving equal access to health care for large people, increased access to public spaces, and ending anti-fat violence. As she argues, I did not come to body positivity for self-esteem. I came to it for social justice. By sharing her experiences as well as those of others--from smaller fat to very fat people--she concludes that to be fat in our society is to be seen as an undeniable failure, unlovable, unforgivable, and morally condemnable. Fatness is an open invitation for others to express disgust, fear, and insidious concern. To be fat is to be denied humanity and empathy. Studies show that fat survivors of sexual assault are less likely to be believed and less likely than their thin counterparts to report various crimes; 27% of very fat women and 13% of very fat men attempt suicide; over 50% of doctors describe their fat patients as awkward, unattractive, ugly and noncompliant; and in 48 states, it's legal--even routine--to deny employment because of an applicant's size. Advancing fat justice and changing prejudicial structures and attitudes will require work from all people. What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat is a crucial tool to create a tectonic shift in the way we see, talk about, and treat our bodies, fat and thin alike.

-”Between the private and public sectors, billions of dollars have been spent seeding body dissatisfaction that would increase profits for weight-loss companies. In the process, both sectors seeded this astronomical rise in anti-fat attitudes, actions, and politics -- all targeted at the fatness we learned to fear in ourselves. But those many shots we have learned to take at ourselves have long landed blows at fat people in the process.”


I didn't review this at length when I read it, partly because I was so filled with rage and hurt and recognition at so many things it named and described. How public policy is created around fat bias, so that in many places people can legally be denied jobs, housing, hotel rooms and a host of other things just because of their size. The way poverty and economic instability and phenomena such as food deserts are ignored while government dollars are instead poured into ludicrous and ineffective 'wars on obesity' that do nothing to address the actual root of the issue. The way scientific evidence about weight is ignored in favour of a moral panic that posits fat people as lazy, greedy, contemptible.

I knew that BMI wasn't a reliable indicator of health or wellness, but I'm kind of ashamed that I had never actually researched why it is such a spurious tool that has no place in health care. I feel like quoting this book on the BMI would be too long, but here's what looks like a good link to a basic summary.

This is an excellent, important, evidence-based book that in all likelihood will be ignored by the people that most need to read and internalize it - well that's not true, I guess, it's important that fat people learn how mistreated they/we have been, but it would be really great if people in health care and public policy would have a look too. I've heard that Gordon's podcast is also excellent and I will definitely listen to it as soon as I, you know, get around to listening to podcasts.

Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland by Patrick Radden Keefe: Synopsis from Goodreads: In December 1972, Jean McConville, a thirty-eight-year-old mother of ten, was dragged from her Belfast home by masked intruders, her children clinging to her legs. They never saw her again. Her abduction was one of the most notorious episodes of the vicious conflict known as The Troubles. Everyone in the neighborhood knew the I.R.A. was responsible. But in a climate of fear and paranoia, no one would speak of it. In 2003, five years after an accord brought an uneasy peace to Northern Ireland, a set of human bones was discovered on a beach. McConville's children knew it was their mother when they were told a blue safety pin was attached to the dress--with so many kids, she had always kept it handy for diapers or ripped clothes. Patrick Radden Keefe's mesmerizing book on the bitter conflict in Northern Ireland and its aftermath uses the McConville case as a starting point for the tale of a society wracked by a violent guerrilla war, a war whose consequences have never been reckoned with. The brutal violence seared not only people like the McConville children, but also I.R.A. members embittered by a peace that fell far short of the goal of a united Ireland, and left them wondering whether the killings they committed were not justified acts of war, but simple murders. Patrick Radden Keefe writes an intricate narrative about a notorious killing in Northern Ireland and its devastating repercussions.

This generated a very spirited discussion in my book club. I thought it was very well researched and written. The framing device of Jean McConville's murder and the repercussions throughout her children's lives was extremely effective. I knew about this period of history, of course, but not to this level of detail. It's one thing to say that violence is objectively wrong, and another thing to understand what it must be like to ingest stories of heroic I.R.A. relatives with your mother's milk. It's a long, brutal, uncomfortable account, and I felt sorry for almost everyone, some in spite of myself. 


Broken by Jenny Lawson: Synopsis from Goodreads: From the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened comes a deeply relatable book filled with humor and honesty about depression and anxiety. As Jenny Lawson’s hundreds of thousands of fans know, she suffers from depression. In Broken, Jenny brings readers along on her mental and physical health journey, offering heartbreaking and hilarious anecdotes along the way. With people experiencing anxiety and depression now more than ever, Jenny humanizes what we all face in an all-too-real way, reassuring us that we’re not alone and making us laugh while doing it. From the business ideas that she wants to pitch to Shark Tank to the reason why Jenny can never go back to the post office, Broken leaves nothing to the imagination in the most satisfying way. And of course, Jenny’s long-suffering husband Victor―the Ricky to Jenny’s Lucille Ball―is present throughout. A treat for Jenny Lawson’s already existing fans, and destined to convert new ones, Broken is a beacon of hope and a wellspring of laughter when we all need it most.

I haven't read a Jenny Lawson book yet that hasn't made me smile, nod in recognition and wheeze with laughter until my husband takes his pillow and huffily stumps off to sleep somewhere else (just kidding, he just rolls over, raises an eyebrow and promptly falls back asleep, the bastard). This one was my least favourite by a smidge. It reads very slightly as if it might have been rushed to meet a deadline - some very wispy chapters, some very women's-magazine summations like "and in the end, we are all those lobster claws, reaching out for connection but risking painful pinches in the process, and that's okay" (this is not a Jenny Lawson quote, I am paraphrasing disrespectfully, please don't sue me). The part about where she starts a Twitter thread of people's most embarrassing moments? I would read through 300 pages of absolute dreck just to cry-laugh at that one any day (although I guess I don't have to, it's everywhere on the internet, what's my point, I don't know, it's becoming clear why Jenny Lawson still gets paid to write and me not so much).

I'll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer by Michelle McNamara: Synopsis from Goodreads: A masterful true crime account of the Golden State Killer—the elusive serial rapist turned murderer who terrorized California for over a decade—from Michelle McNamara, the gifted journalist who died tragically while investigating the case. "You’ll be silent forever, and I’ll be gone in the dark." For more than ten years, a mysterious and violent predator committed fifty sexual assaults in Northern California before moving south, where he perpetrated ten sadistic murders. Then he disappeared, eluding capture by multiple police forces and some of the best detectives in the area. Three decades later, Michelle McNamara, a true crime journalist who created the popular website TrueCrimeDiary.com, was determined to find the violent psychopath she called "the Golden State Killer." Michelle pored over police reports, interviewed victims, and embedded herself in the online communities that were as obsessed with the case as she was. At the time of the crimes, the Golden State Killer was between the ages of eighteen and thirty, Caucasian, and athletic—capable of vaulting tall fences. He always wore a mask. After choosing a victim—he favored suburban couples—he often entered their home when no one was there, studying family pictures, mastering the layout. He attacked while they slept, using a flashlight to awaken and blind them. Though they could not recognize him, his victims recalled his voice: a guttural whisper through clenched teeth, abrupt and threatening. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark—the masterpiece McNamara was writing at the time of her sudden death—offers an atmospheric snapshot of a moment in American history and a chilling account of a criminal mastermind and the wreckage he left behind. It is also a portrait of a woman’s obsession and her unflagging pursuit of the truth. Framed by an introduction by Gillian Flynn and an afterword by her husband, Patton Oswalt, the book was completed by Michelle’s lead researcher and a close colleague. Utterly original and compelling, it is destined to become a true crime classic—and may at last unmask the Golden State Killer. 

I never read true crime. This is a false statement. I almost never read true crime. I don't really know why, because I read about fake crime often. When I think of true crime I think I get a picture in my head of cheesy tv shows with melodramatic voice-overs and sensationalism. Obviously this is reductive and not uniformly the case. I had read about this book because Michelle McNamara was the wife of Patton Oswalt, whose acting, comedy and Twitterisms I enjoy. She died while writing this book in a period of one or two years where a few women I knew around her age went to bed and just didn't wake up in the morning, which put her in that sad, frightening category in my mind. I borrowed the book to read her writing more than anything else. 

I really liked her writing. I loved the parts about her childhood, her family and relationship with her parents. Her writing about the Golden State Killer was also very effective, but of course I didn't like it - it was horrifying, although very effective. I also discovered while reading the book that she had actually overdosed, on medication she was taking for insomnia and nightmares, and I became uncomfortably aware of the fact that I might be reading a product of the obsession which had directly or indirectly led to her death, whereupon the whole reading process became extremely fraught.

I hadn't realized how unfinished the book was when she died, and I think it would have been better served only publishing the finished parts, rather than the cobbling together and finishing by other people that was done. I think she had plenty of great writing left in her, and I'm sad that she's gone. 

Four-Star Fiction

The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin: Synopsis from Goodreads: If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life? It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes. The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality. A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.


I am very aware that reading is extremely subjective. I try really hard not to judge anyone's opinion of a book as 'right' or 'wrong'. Sometimes that's really difficult when I really like a book and the reasons someone else offers for disliking it seem, for lack of a better term, dumb. There are any number of reasons someone could not like this book - it's quite sad in many ways, and the action is as much internal as external. But the people who read the synopsis and then were mad that it wasn't fantastical enough and trashed the book based on the fact that it was too literary ticked me off. Okay, now that I'm writing that it also seems dumb, never mind. Anyway, be aware that this is very much a book in which the only magic is that a woman predicts the date of death for four siblings. But the question the book then explores - how do you live when you know the exact length of the space in which your life has to play out? How much of it is curse, and how much blessing? And how does it work when the other three people involved are as close to you as your own blood? As you might expect, each of the four characters reacts very differently - some choose to extract the marrow out of every last day, while others are unable to recover from the burden of knowing what should never be known. Thinking back, I'm a little curious why I didn't give this five stars. 

The Overstory by Richard Powers: Synopsis from Goodreads: The Overstory is a sweeping, impassioned work of activism and resistance that is also a stunning evocation of - and paean to - the natural world. From the roots to the crown and back to the seeds, Richard Powers’s twelfth novel unfolds in concentric rings of interlocking fables that range from antebellum New York to the late twentieth-century Timber Wars of the Pacific Northwest and beyond. There is a world alongside ours—vast, slow, interconnected, resourceful, magnificently inventive, and almost invisible to us. This is the story of a handful of people who learn how to see that world and who are drawn up into its unfolding catastrophe.

Used this for the book bingo square of 'A book that a friend couldn't put down' (HI LIZ). From the quotations she posted I had no idea what to expect. It's called a "sweeping, impassioned work of activism and resistance" and a "stunning evocation of - and paean to - the natural world". I didn't even realize until a good way into the book when the term 'understory' was used that 'overstory' means upper layers of foliage in a forest canopy. The first half of the book reads like a bunch of masterful short stories about families that have some connection to a particular tree. The second half connects all the descendants of these families in anti-logging activism. There is a lot of very evocative writing about trees. A couple of characters are loosely based on real people. It is dense and sprawling (hey, tree-like again) and lush and majestic (okay, too on the nose, sorry) and I read it in chunks interspersed with other things because it's quite intense. I always wanted to get back to it, though. Along with the latest news about arctic ice melt, it made me sad and anxious about what humans have done to the earth, along with spurring me to get my ass out on some forest trails. Eve has to read this for Practices of Knowledge this term and I'm excited to talk about it with her.

Recipe for a Perfect Wife by Karma Brown: Synopsis from Goodreads: In this captivating dual narrative novel, a modern-day woman finds inspiration in hidden notes left by her home’s previous owner, a quintessential 1950s housewife. As she discovers remarkable parallels between this woman’s life and her own, it causes her to question the foundation of her own relationship with her husband–and what it means to be a wife fighting for her place in a patriarchal society. When Alice Hale leaves a career in publicity to become a writer and follows her husband to the New York suburbs, she is unaccustomed to filling her days alone in a big, empty house. But when she finds a vintage cookbook buried in a box in the old home’s basement, she becomes captivated by the cookbook’s previous owner–1950s housewife Nellie Murdoch. As Alice cooks her way through the past, she realizes that within the cookbook’s pages Nellie left clues about her life–including a mysterious series of unsent letters penned to her mother. Soon Alice learns that while baked Alaska and meatloaf five ways may seem harmless, Nellie’s secrets may have been anything but. When Alice uncovers a more sinister–even dangerous–side to Nellie’s marriage, and has become increasingly dissatisfied with the mounting pressures in her own relationship, she begins to take control of her life and protect herself with a few secrets of her own. 


Read to fulfill (sort of) a 'recipe book' Book Bingo square. I think my friend Amy (HI AMY) put this on my radar. It's not the usual thing I read, and none of the characters come off very well, but I couldn't stop reading it. It was simple and yet profound, the way the story of a 1950s housewife in difficult circumstances reflects and resonates with the situation of a contemporary woman. The eternal struggle of women not to get lost in marriage. The absolutely white-hot-rage-inducing marriage advice from old books that begin each chapter. The fairly sound assertion that "whipped cream and ham should never mingle. Never ever, never."

The Daughters of Foxcote Manor by Eve Chase: Synopsis from Goodreads: Outside a remote manor house in an idyllic wood, a baby girl is found. The Harrington family takes her in and disbelief quickly turns to joy. They're grieving a terrible tragedy of their own and the beautiful baby fills them with hope, lighting up the house's dark, dusty corners. Desperate not to lose her to the authorities, they keep her secret, suspended in a blissful summer world where normal rules of behaviour - and the law - don't seem to apply. But within days a body will lie dead in the grounds. And their dreams of a perfect family will shatter like glass. Years later, the truth will need to be put back together again, piece by piece . . . From the author of Black Rabbit Hall, The Glass House is a emotional, thrilling book about family secrets and belonging - and how we find ourselves when we are most lost.

For my fiftieth birthday a friend got me one of those subscriptions where you get a book and four or five gifts that correspond to a part of the book - you get notices of when to open each numbered gift as you read. Utterly charming, yes? Yes, even though the first book was very much what my friend's daughter posited it would be upon reading the plot summary - "a wine mom's book". Not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but it read very much like a book contrived to land on women's book club's lists and lacked narrative tension - I have never in my life read anything that was more 'this happened, then this happened, then this happened, the end.' The fun part with a subscription like this is that you still get four or five cute little gifts, which are nice even if the book is not great! Anyway, this was the second book and it was completely different, even though it would do just fine as a book club book. It busted me right out of a reading rut in April of last year. It wasn't super challenging, and the mysteries gradually revealed were more sweet than dark, but the writing was good, sometimes great, and it was just a really good story with a lot of well-written female characters. 


Time After Time by Lisa Grunwald: Synopsis from Goodreads: A magical love story, inspired by the legend of a woman who vanished from Grand Central Terminal, sweeps readers from the 1920s to World War II and beyond, in the spirit of The Time Traveler’s Wife and The Curious Case of Benjamin ButtonOn a clear December morning in 1937, at the famous gold clock in Grand Central Terminal, Joe Reynolds, a hardworking railroad man from Queens, meets a vibrant young woman who seems mysteriously out of place. Nora Lansing is a Manhattan socialite whose flapper clothing, pearl earrings, and talk of the Roaring Twenties don’t seem to match the bleak mood of Depression-era New York. Captivated by Nora from her first electric touch, Joe despairs when he tries to walk her home and she disappears. Finding her again—and again—will become the focus of his love and his life. Nora, an aspiring artist and fiercely independent, is shocked to find she’s somehow been trapped, her presence in the terminal governed by rules she cannot fathom. It isn’t until she meets Joe that she begins to understand the effect that time is having on her, and the possible connections to the workings of Grand Central and the solar phenomenon known as Manhattanhenge, when the sun rises or sets between the city’s skyscrapers, aligned perfectly with the streets below. As thousands of visitors pass under the famous celestial blue ceiling each day, Joe and Nora create a life unlike any they could have imagined. With infinite love in a finite space, they take full advantage of the “Terminal City” within a city, dining at the Oyster Bar, visiting the Whispering Gallery, and making a home at the Biltmore Hotel. But when the construction of another landmark threatens their future, Nora and Joe are forced to test the limits of freedom and love. Delving into Grand Central Terminal’s rich past, Lisa Grunwald crafts a masterful historical novel about a love affair that defies age, class, place, and even time.

I think I came across this by accident while I was looking for a Jack Finney book (those are called Time and Again and From Time to Time - how does anyone ever keep books about time straight?) I mean, look at that cover, obviously I had to read it. Now that I'm thinking of it, I guess this should have gone under fantasy strictly speaking, but truthfully it's just a really lovely old-fashioned love story with incidental magic. It's worth it for the descriptions of old New York and Grand Central Station alone. 


The Searcher by Tana French: Synopsis from Goodreads: Retired detective Cal Hooper moves to a remote village in rural Ireland. His plans are to fix up the dilapidated cottage he's bought, to walk the mountains, to put his old police instincts to bed forever. Then a local boy appeals to him for help. His brother is missing, and no one in the village, least of all the police, seems to care. And once again, Cal feels that restless itch. Something is wrong in this community, and he must find out what, even if it brings trouble to his door.

You know those writers that you keep reading even though it's kind of like inviting someone to beat you up over and over? I mean this as a compliment. I remember saying about Broken Harbour that it was like she crushed up a bunch of hearts and wrote the book in broken-heart juice. She usually writes about a Dublin police squad, moving from character to character in each book, but the incisive, insightful writing elevates her work above any confining sense of genre. This is a standalone, with the same vivid sense of place and mournful, wise perception of human frailty and doggedness. So, so good, and so, so sad. 

The Subtweet by Vivek Shraya: Synopsis from Goodreads: Everyone talks about falling in love, but falling in friendship can be just as captivating. When Neela Devaki’s song is covered by internet-famous artist Rukmini, the two musicians meet and a transformative friendship begins. But as Rukmini’s star rises and Neela’s stagnates, jealousy and self-doubt creep in. With a single tweet, their friendship implodes, one career is destroyed, and the two women find themselves at the center of an internet firestorm. Celebrated multidisciplinary artist Vivek Shraya’s second novel is a stirring examination of making art in the modern era, a love letter to brown women, an authentic glimpse into the music industry, and a nuanced exploration of the promise and peril of being seen.

One of the most of-the-moment books I've read, not in the sense of being flavour-of-the-month or gimmicky, just very current. Good representation without seeming tokenish. A close examination of the joys and pitfalls of female friendship and fame, sudden or otherwise. 


Songs for the End of the World by Saleema Nawaz: Synopsis from Goodreads: NATIONAL BESTSELLER. An immersive, deeply engaging, and hopeful novel about the power of human connection in a time of crisis, as the bonds of love, family, and duty are tested by an impending catastrophe. Named a Book of the Year by the Globe and Mail, Quill & Quire, 49th Shelf, and a Book You Should Read by Maclean's and Chatelaine. How quickly he'd forgotten a fundamental truth: the closer you got to the heart of a calamity, the more resilience there was to be found. This is the story of a handful of people living through an unfolding catastrophe. Elliot is a first responder in New York, a man running from past failures and struggling to do the right thing. Emma is a pregnant singer preparing to headline a benefit concert for victims of a growing outbreak--all while questioning what kind of world her child is coming into. Owen is the author of a bestselling novel with eerie similarities to the real-life crisis, and as fact and fiction begin to blur, he must decide whether his lifelong instinct for self-preservation has been worth the cost. As we discover these characters' ties to one another--and to the mystery of the so-called ARAMIS Girl--what emerges is an extraordinary web of connection and community that reveals none of us is ever truly alone. Brilliantly told by an unforgettable chorus of voices, Saleema Nawaz's glittering novel is a moving and hopeful meditation on what we owe to ourselves and to each other. It reminds us that disaster can bring out the best in people--and that coming together may be what saves us in the end.

-”Keelan locked the door behind him and dropped his briefcase beside the umbrella stand, before frowning at the wooden receptacle with a picture of an umbrella and the word parapluies painted on the side. Peculiar artifacts of this sort, so limited and specific, seemed doomed to impeach their fading era of wealth and complacency. Umbrella stands, grapefruit spoons, nose-hair clippers: these were not things that ought to belong to a world in crisis.”

This was published in August 2020, which means Saleema Nawaz started writing it before Covid was A Thing (not to mention one of the characters in the book also writes a prescient work called The Survivalist's Code, which means she wrote a book about a pandemic in which someone wrote a book about a pandemic right before a pandemic, right before.... a pandemic). Did she feel like the people who opened a restaurant called Tsunami right before the tsunami happened in 2004? I did actually read an interview with her, but straight talk, I don't remember what she said. I didn't feel as creeped out reading about a pandemic during a pandemic as I thought I might. Honestly, the book was beautifully written and some thing resonated with me, but the real pandemic was less bittersweet and more grueling, with more references to people eating dirt than I would have expected. It's less about a pandemic than about how different people and relationships react under stress.


 Forever is the Worst Long Time by Camille Pagan: Synopsis from Goodreads: From acclaimed author Camille Pagán comes a wry, heartfelt exploration of love and loss. When struggling novelist James Hernandez meets poet Louisa “Lou” Bell, he’s sure he’s just found the love of his life. There’s just one problem: she’s engaged to his oldest friend, Rob. So James toasts their union and swallows his desire. As the years pass, James’s dreams always seem just out of reach—he can’t finish that novel, can’t mend his relationship with his father, can’t fully commit to a romantic relationship. He just can’t move on. But after betrayal fractures Lou’s once-solid marriage, she turns to James for comfort. When Lou and James act on their long-standing mutual attraction, the consequences are more heartbreaking—and miraculous—than either of them could have ever anticipated. Then life throws James one more curveball, and he, Rob, and Lou are forced to come to terms with the unexpected ways in which love and loss are intertwined. 

The 'formula' here was a bit reminiscent of Nicholas Sparks or chick lit, with a streak of How I Met Your Mother, but the writing was really good and it was just a really good story. There was some striking insight into personal relationships and really good main character self awareness. As I've said, the trope of the male tortured writer always makes me a little wary because it is so done and can be so cringe, but it is used to good effect here. Very good read.

Beowulf: A New Translation by Maria Dahvana Headley: Synopsis from Goodreads: A new, feminist translation of Beowulf by the author of The Mere WifeNearly twenty years after Seamus Heaney’s translation of Beowulf — and fifty years after the translation that continues to torment high-school students around the world — there is a radical new verse translation of the epic poem by Maria Dahvana Headley, which brings to light elements never before translated into English. A man seeks to prove himself as a hero. A monster seeks silence in his territory. A warrior seeks to avenge her murdered son. A dragon ends it all. These familiar components of the epic poem are seen with a novelist’s eye toward gender, genre, and history. Beowulf has always been a tale of entitlement and encroachment — of powerful men seeking to become more powerful and one woman seeking justice for her child — but this version brings new context to an old story. While crafting her contemporary adaptation, Headley unearthed significant shifts lost over centuries of translation; her Beowulf is one for the twenty-first century. 

"Language is a living thing, and when it dies, it leaves bones. I dropped some fossils here, next to some newborns. I'm as interested in contemporary idiom and slang as I am in the archaic. There are other translations if you're looking for the courtly romance and knights."

-”because when it comes to translating Beowulf, there is no sacred clarity. What the translated text says is a matter of study, interpretation, and poetic leaps of faith. Every translator translates this poem differently. That’s part of its glory. And so, I offer to the banquet table this translation, done by an American woman born in the year 1977, a person who grew up surrounded by sled dogs, coyotes, rattlesnakes, and bubbling natural hot springs nestled in the wild high desert of Idaho, a person who, if we were looking at the poem’s categories, would fall much closer in original habitat to Grendel and his mother than to Beowulf or even the lesser denizens of Hrothgar’s court.”


“A Helming-hostess, treading with purpose, rings shining,

Beer-sounding soldiers, old and young, both of her own

House

And the sea-slayers’, goblet held to her breast. Hashtag: blessed”

I had never read Beowulf in any translation. I confess that I enjoyed the preface in which the author described her translation work rather more than the actual poem. It was also very educational, as I hadn't realized how much latitude someone translating a work like this has - this sheds new light on a moment in university when I was reading a translation of an Aristophanes play and came across a reference to "Lady Loverley's Chatter" that seemed entirely too recent. It turns out they're just, like, allowed to do that! So, in stead of Lo! or Ho! to begin the whole shebang, Headley goes with Bro! Isn't that awesome? I think it's awesome. I have enjoyed Maria Dahvana Headley's fiction, although I haven't yet read The Mere Wife, her novel which has been termed "Beowulf in the suburbs". Looking forward to that. 

The Grammarians by Cathleen Schine: Synopsis from Goodreads: "The Grammarians" are Laurel and Daphne Wolfe, identical, inseparable redheaded twins who share an obsession with words. They speak a secret “twin” tongue of their own as toddlers; as adults making their way in 1980s Manhattan, their verbal infatuation continues, but this love, which has always bound them together, begins instead to push them apart. Daphne, copy editor and grammar columnist, devotes herself to preserving the dignity and elegance of Standard English. Laurel, who gives up teaching kindergarten to write poetry, is drawn, instead, to the polymorphous, chameleon nature of the written and spoken word. Their fraying twin-ship finally shreds completely when the sisters go to war, absurdly but passionately, over custody of their most prized family heirloom: Merriam Webster’s New International Dictionary, Second EditionCathleen Schine has written a playful and joyful celebration of the interplay of language and life. A dazzling comedy of sisterly and linguistic manners, a revelation of the delights and stresses of intimacy, The Grammarians is the work of one of our great comic novelists at her very best.

-”When you get home, you both have fevers. Soon you are told you both have measles. You lie in your twin beds with the curtains drawn. Even in the dim light, you can see that the red spots do not occur on the same places on your otherwise identical bodies and faces. You conclude, with the sharp intelligence of a child, that you are not symmetrical in sickness. It seems profound. And sad. And it is a lesson you will not forget.”

-”’The most important thing,’ Laurel said, ‘is not to be afraid of making mistakes. Making a mistake is how you learn what’s right.’ The little girl with the hair that surely harbored a large bird of prey gave her an astonished look. It was not a look of astonished liberation, as Laurel momentarily hoped. It was a look of astonished pity. You blundering amateur, said the look. The child actually rolled her eyes.”

-”’I thought you were going to say having a baby must be like having a twin.’

‘But a baby is a whole other person.’

‘I hate to keep harping on this, but so is your sister.’

‘No, Daphne thought. My sister is me if I were different.’”

"No. Copyediting is helping the words survive the misconceptions of their authors."


The column ran irregularly (like bowels,, Becky said), but it was still a column. It had a byline (hers) and it had a name: The People’s Pedant. Daphne had devoted readers -- fans, you might even say. The column was modishly vulgar in its attack on the vulgar tongue. DownTown allowed any word into print, and Daphne enjoyed the alternative journalist’s privilege of tossing out ‘fucks’ like shiny coins to the poor. Observations, corrections,and objections that might otherwise have struck her readers as prim struck them instead as edgy. A sense of superiority does not belong exclusively to conservatives, Daphne knew.”

I know! It's too many quotations! Just read the whole book! It's so damned good! Weird twins, and wordplay, and other weird people, and people fall in love and say more words and then there's a baby and the twin sisters fight for a really long time about the baby and about how words mean different things and I confess I kept coming out of the delicious daze of reading this and thinking "but what is this actually about?" and not really caring. I immediately resolved to read everything else Cathleen Schine has written and immediately forgot about that because my mind is a steel spaghetti strainer, but it will happen at some point. 

Dream Girl by Laura Lippman: Synopsis from Goodreads: After being injured in a freak accident, novelist Gerry Andersen lies in a hospital bed in his glamorous but sterile apartment, isolated from the busy world he can see through his windows, utterly dependent on two women he barely knows: his young assistant and a night nurse whose competency he questions. But Gerry is also beginning to question his own competency. As he moves in and out of dreamlike memories and seemingly random appearances of a persistent ex-girlfriend at his bedside, he fears he may be losing his grip on reality, much like his mother who recently passed away from dementia. Most distressing, he believes he’s being plagued by strange telephone calls, in which a woman claiming to be the titular character of his hit novel Dream Girl swears she will be coming to see him soon. The character is completely fictitious, but no one has ever believed Gerry when he makes that claim. Is he the victim of a cruel prank—or is he actually losing his mind★ There is no record of the calls according to the log on his phone. Could there be someone he has wronged★ Is someone coming to do him harm as he lies helplessly in bed★ Then comes the morning he wakes up next to a dead body—and realizes his nightmare is just beginning..

-”He has lived without his father for so long that his status did not occur to him when his mother died. He is an orphan. He has no siblings, no heirs. No enemies, not really. Shouldn’t he have a longer list of potential enemies; can you have lived a life of consequence if you don’t have people who really, really hate you?”


-”Eyes put in with a dirty finger, his mother would have said. An Irish expression, more meaningful before all women, everywhere, began darkening their eyelashes, outlining their eyes as if they were Cleopatra, wearing false eyelashes. Women were increasingly fake these days. Gerry liked real women -- slender, small-breasted, with their natural hair color.” (BARF)

Oh, Gerry. He comes so close to getting it sometimes and then... I loved Laura Lippman's Tess Monaghan series until the last couple. She also wrote a couple of amazing standalones. This was a bit of a departure, although Tess Monaghan makes a brief appearance and is back to her badass self. This is a story about a privileged white male (with, to be fair, some difficult stuff in his past), caught in a tightening noose of his own devising. It is equal parts hilarious and distressing, and I had the agreeable sense that Lippman had a sort of evil good time writing this. 

Dominicana by Angie Cruz: Synopsis from Goodreads: Fifteen-year-old Ana Cancion never dreamed of moving to America, the way the girls she grew up with in the Dominican countryside did. But when Juan Ruiz proposes and promises to take her to New York City, she has to say yes. It doesn’t matter that he is twice her age, that there is no love between them. Their marriage is an opportunity for her entire close-knit family to eventually immigrate. So on New Year’s Day, 1965, Ana leaves behind everything she knows and becomes Ana Ruiz, a wife confined to a cold six-floor walk-up in Washington Heights. Lonely and miserable, Ana hatches a reckless plan to escape. But at the bus terminal, she is stopped by Cesar, Juan’s free-spirited younger brother, who convinces her to stay. As the Dominican Republic slides into political turmoil, Juan returns to protect his family’s assets, leaving Cesar to take care of Ana. Suddenly, Ana is free to take English lessons at a local church, lie on the beach at Coney Island, see a movie at Radio City Music Hall, go dancing with Cesar, and imagine the possibility of a different kind of life in America. When Juan returns, Ana must decide once again between her heart and her duty to her family.

I read this book - a large part of which takes place in Washington Heights - right after watching the movie In the Heights. It is so, so good. Absolutely has the flavour of authenticity - sometimes literally, in the cooking descriptions. The matter-of-factness of 15-year-old Ana being betrothed, married, and sent across the ocean with a man twice her age, expected to then be responsible for lifting her family out of poverty, is breathtaking. The relationships she forges and the independence she works for at such a young age - I kept forgetting that she was a child younger than my own, but not because I think any of it was unrealistic. It was beautiful and heartwrenchingly sad and written wonderfully, not in a 'look at me' way, but in a way that draws you wholly into the story.

Afterlife by Julia Alvarez: Synopsis from Goodreads: Antonia Vega, the immigrant writer at the center of Afterlife, has had the rug pulled out from under her. She has just retired from the college where she taught English when her beloved husband, Sam, suddenly dies. And then more jolts: her bighearted but unstable sister disappears, and Antonia returns home one evening to find a pregnant, undocumented teenager on her doorstep. Antonia has always sought direction in the literature she loves—lines from her favorite authors play in her head like a soundtrack—but now she finds that the world demands more of her than words. Afterlife is a compact, nimble, and sharply droll novel. Set in this political moment of tribalism and distrust, it asks: What do we owe those in crisis in our families, including—maybe especially—members of our human family? How do we live in a broken world without losing faith in one another or ourselves? And how do we stay true to those glorious souls we have lost? 

I read this because I was looking for How the Garcia GIrls Lost Their Accents by the same author but it wasn't available from the library and this was. It was a beautiful exploration of grief, difficult family dynamics and how difficult it is to help the disenfranchised without overturning one's own life entirely. I loved the slightly prickly Antonia, how she loves literature but not necessarily people.

Hamnet and Judith by Maggie O'Farrell: Synopsis from Goodreads: On a summer's day in 1596, Judith, a young girl in Stratford-upon-Avon, takes to her bed with a fever. Her twin brother, Hamnet, searches everywhere for help. Why is nobody at home? Their mother, Agnes, is over a mile away, in the garden where she grows medicinal herbs. Their father is working in London. Neither parent knows that one of the children will not survive the week. Hamnet & Judith is a novel inspired by the children of a famous playwright. It is a story of the bond between twins, and of a marriage pushed to the brink by grief. It is also the story of a kestrel and its mistress; a flea that boards a ship in Alexandria; and a glovemaker's son who flouts convention in pursuit of the woman he loves. Above all, it is a tender and unforgettable reimagining of a boy whose life has been all but forgotten, but whose name was given to one of the most celebrated plays ever written. A story about the death of a child and the birth of a masterpiece in 16th century England, Hamnet & Judith is mesmerizing, heart-wrenching, impossible to put down--historical fiction at its finest.


I bought this because of Kate (HI KATE) and then put it in my cupboard (because there was no more room on the bookshelves, or on the book table, or on the book stack on the bedside table, so I started putting books in the armoire) and didn't get to it for months. Then I took it out and read it in my hanging chair on the deck that my husband made into my reading spot. It is an absolutely incendiary depiction of soul-destroying grief, but it is also one of the most beautifully written books I have ever read. I feel like I watched it as a film rather than reading it, it was so clear and bright and deliberate. Sometimes an author's writing is like music notes being set down lovingly in your mind, and that's what this felt like. 

The Bastard of Istanbul by Elif Shafak: Synopsis from Goodreads: From one of Turkey’s most acclaimed and outspoken writers, a novel about the tangled histories of two families. In her second novel written in English, Elif Shafak confronts her country’s violent past in a vivid and colorful tale set in both Turkey and the United States. At its center is the “bastard” of the title, Asya, a nineteen-year-old woman who loves Johnny Cash and the French Existentialists, and the four sisters of the Kazanci family who all live together in an extended household in Istanbul: Zehila, the zestful, headstrong youngest sister who runs a tattoo parlor and is Asya’s mother; Banu, who has newly discovered herself as a clairvoyant; Cevriye, a widowed high school teacher; and Feride, a hypochondriac obsessed with impending disaster. Their one estranged brother lives in Arizona with his wife and her Armenian daughter, Armanoush. When Armanoush secretly flies to Istanbul in search of her identity, she finds the Kazanci sisters and becomes fast friends with Asya. A secret is uncovered that links the two families and ties them to the 1915 Armenian deportations and massacres. Full of vigorous, unforgettable female characters, The Bastard of Istanbul is a bold, powerful tale that will confirm Shafak as a rising star of international fiction.

The husband of one of my book club friends lent me this book because he had read Come Thou Tortoise on my recommendation and wanted to return the favour - these kinds of book interactions are one of the greatest joys of my life. I loved almost everything about this - the household of uniformly difficult women, the description of a society totally foreign to me but enchanting in so many ways, the music and literature and food and colour swirling around intoxicatingly. I did not love the way one of the big 'reveals' was handled, and was ambivalent about the resolution, but I'm not entirely sure why. Regardless, I'm really happy someone drew me to read this author. 


 Biloxi by Mary Miller: Synopsis from Goodreads: Mary Miller seizes the mantle of southern literature with this wry tale of middle age and the unexpected turns a life can take. Like her predecessors Ann Beattie and Raymond Carver, Mary Miller brings an essential voice to her generation. Building on her critically acclaimed novel, The Last Days of California, and her biting collection, Always Happy Hour, Miller slyly transports readers to her unapologetic corner of the South—this time, Biloxi, Mississippi, home to sixty-three-year-old Louis McDonald Jr. His wife of thirty-seven years left him, his father has passed—and he has impulsively retired from his job in anticipation of an inheritance check that may not come. In the meantime, he watches reality television, sips beer, and avoids his ex-wife and daughter. One day, he stops at a house advertising free dogs and meets overweight mixed-breed Layla. Unexpectedly, Louis takes her, and, newly invigorated, begins investigating local dog parks and buying extra bologna. Mining the absurdities of life with her signature “droll minimalist’s-eye view of America” (Joyce Carol Oates), Mary Miller’s Biloxi affirms her place in contemporary literature. 

I stumbled across this library ebook - sometimes I search for something and the list of results contains titles that bear zero resemblance to what I was searching, which can be both annoying and fortuitous. There's a process by which some books find their way to readers that is mysterious and charming. I found myself relating, maybe a bit surprisingly, quite a bit to Louis, who is kind of a mess and then gets a dog, and, well, he keeps being kind of a mess but now has a dog. He is also a bit of a sexist shlub, to which I do not relate, but he has a fairly good heart and would probably be open to learning. I liked reading about living in a place that's completely different from where I live, and a life that is far removed from mine. It was a little slice-of-life with some sly insights, and I appreciated it.




Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story

 The photos from my previous post are: Eve in grade eight in a fractured fairy tales play at her school. She was the princess from The Frog ...