Everything's Coming Up Penises!

 You know when a common theme just keeps popping up (snicker) in every area of your life? Sometimes I'm reading two books that ostensibly have nothing to do with each other, and the same German philosopher is mentioned. Sometimes everyone I meet in a day has something wrong with their foot. It's a funny kind of synchronicity that means nothing but always amuses and delights me anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, my personal zeitgeist went completely phallic.

First, it was book club. My friend Sharon, a freelance writer, volunteered that she was doing some work involving the San Francisco Healthy Penis Project, which is focused on raising awareness of syphilis and persuading gay and bisexual men to get tested. Along with lists of clinics and super-fun comic strip ads like these,

there were also people wandering the streets of the Castro (SF's gay district) wearing seven-foot-tall penis costumes.

Apparently the campaign has also been used in other parts of California, and in Winnipeg here in Canada, where I assume the seven-foot-tall penises are wearing parkas, or a lot of mosquito repellent.

(Shut up, Pedro! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA).

Later in the week, it was beer-and-fifty-cent-wings night with our crew at Johnny Canucks. The topic of circumcision came up, and my friend said her husband was of the opinion that circumcision was a Catholic tradition as well as a Jewish one, because all the Catholic men of his age that he knew were circumcised. I said that I didn't think it had anything to do with Catholicism, but rather was the trend in hospitals and health care at that time. Being of curious mind, my friend did some research and emailed it out the next day. Since his inbox was filling up with "penis research", another friend graced us with the link to Double Dick Reddit Guy, so, you know, there went that afternoon.
Photo credit amy_buthod

Then Eve came home from school "totally traumatized" by the puberty unit in health class. She kept waving the penis diagram in my face and saying "WE HAVE TO NAME ALL THE PARTS!" She said they all felt really bad for Jonathan because he had to write the word 'penis' on the board. She regaled us with quotes from the antiquated video they were shown, where little Johnny asks his Uncle Pat what happens if his penis never gets any bigger, and hollered about fallopian tubes at random intervals. There was a quiz on the Friday, so every few hours we'd ask how her studying was going for the penis test. My mom and Marianna's grandmother tried the "why is it any different from talking about eyes, or elbows, or any other body part?" tactic, but I didn't even bother. Penises are funny. They just are.

So yeah, that week was a total ball (I kill me). On the week-end my husband came to bed and indicated some amorous intentions. I looked up from my book and saw that he had left the bedroom door open, and reminded him that Eve had just gone to bed one room away, and that she had probably had enough of penises for one seven-day period.


Shan said…
This is the most awesome thing I have read all day! Abby was equally horrified with sex ed. Did you know a penis got bigger? Well, did you? I refrained from telling her it's often far less impressive than it sounds.
Collette said…
Most of my weeks are filled with penis talk...
StephLove said…
I think that just about took care of my penis-talk requirement for the week, too.
StephLove said…
I think that just about took care of my penis-talk requirement for the week, too.
Nicole said…
OMG Allison. Dying here. Too much to say, too little time.

Mark is totally traumatized by sex ed at school too. Like, tears-on-my-pillow traumatized. All this talk about reproductive organs and wet dreams is too much for him. I think it's a little young, actually. Boys just seem so much less mature than girls, especially in this area. They were supposed to write a letter to a pretend friend about what to expect about puberty, and it just about killed him. "It's all so disgusting!" he said. Jake was like "I know, you get armpit hair and then you'll stink all the time. ALL THE TIME."
Nicole said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nicole said…
That above comment I deleted because it was a duplicate, not because I made some weird embarrassing comment. Well, I did, but it's the first comment.
Hannah said…
Meanwhile my 2.5 year old is at the age where he just loves the word 'penis'. He says it all the time. He sings little songs where the only word is 'penis'. He says "I need underwear to cover mah PEEEEEENIS" and then laughs hysterically.

So much with the junk in my house, all the time.
Alexandria said…
Well, this is pretty awesome given how penissy my day has been, too!

Duck penis.
Amber Strocel said…
"Penises are funny. They just are."

I say something like this once a week. Because it's true.
Ms. G said…
In the neighborhood I grew up in, there was a boy whose last name was La'Penis. Can you imagine the roll calls in school? Yep..I won't even go into how his sister turned out..
Lola said…
H Munro said…
First off - love the comics!
Secondly, when I was little I would chase my brother around the house yelling 'penis, penis' because he hated the word so much.
clara said…
Oh my word. So maaaany penises.

The other day my kids were blowing up water balloons (with breath, not water) and they named one "Sexy Joe." Then my older child POPPED sexy Joe and the younger child said, "OH NO now his soul is going to haunt you and RUB HIS WINKIE IN YOUR FACE."

I don't know what to do with this information. Am I to believe that balloons have souls, that they have WINKIES, that they are AGGRESSIVE?

I just.


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