New Year, New - Nope, Same Old Me

We had a really great Christmas. I was sad that my sister and her family couldn't make it, but otherwise it hit all the desirable notes - time with the kids, time with my parents, baked lots of cookies, gave away lots of cookies, time with friends, lit-up happy-making house, everybody happy with their presents. Almost more importantly, I never lost my temper while shopping for presents or groceries, even in crowded unruly spaces, and exchanged more than one smile with a stranger, which always seems like a special gift at this time of year.

I started taking more Vitamin D after Thanksgiving when we visited my sister - a pharmacist who works in a cancer treatment centre - and she told us about new cancer research that showed what a huge difference Vitamin D makes in cancer rates. All the doctors that are involved in the research take much more Vitamin D than the general population, and it's also recommended as a first try at treatment in anxious or depressed adolescents. I figured it was worth a shot. And by the Christmas season, I felt like I was feeling better than I usually do at this time of the year - I had more energy, I was less down, I could do more social stuff without crashing, I was optimistic. I didn't exactly crow it to the world at large, but I did mention it to a few people. I knew it was anecdotal, but I felt like it was worth noting.

And now it's January first, and here I am again. Last night I slept from 3 a.m. to 3 p.m. I hate admitting this - it feels worse to me than saying I slept with my husband's best friend. I don't really know why. I've had a cold. I went to bed late. I had a recovery sleep. It's the Christmas holidays. But it feels bad. Really, really bad. I have a tendency to hibernate between Christmas and New Year's anyway, and the sickness and the weather did nothing to mitigate that tendency this year. I read a couple of books I wanted to finish before 2017 was over. I went for a couple of nice bundled-up walks with Lucy. I kept thinking I should walk slowly on the treadmill but didn't. I'm worried about how I'm going to feel when the kids go back to school.

So here I am. Same person, more sunshine vitamin notwithstanding. Maybe I'll bounce back from this sooner than I usually do, or maybe not. One of the kids at the party last night asked me what my New Year's Resolution was. I said I didn't make them. She didn't push it further, but I probably would have said I don't believe in making grand pronouncements that are difficult to fulfill just because it's an arbitrary change in the calendar. But the real reason is that my resolution is always just trying to survive. Trying to be better, yes, there's always that. But every year, every great Christmas with my amazing family and my wonderful friends feels like another year of unearned grace. So basically I'm just grateful that I'm still here, and trying to stay.

(And for everyone who's itching to say "you'll feel better if you get rolling on those goddamned year-end book posts - calm your tits, I am totally working on them right now).