Super Dark Times

 To my American friends, I'm sorry. Not in any kind of distanced, pitying, smug way, because I believe we are headed in a similar direction here in Canada, and I am sad and sick at heart. I told myself I wasn't hoping for the other outcome because I was afraid to, but I realize that I absolutely was, because I was not prepared for how bad this would feel. 

Some random thoughts I am having about the whole thing.

1. I'm going to try not to hate anyone. For a while at least. I am totally cool with anyone else hating people that helped this happen. A lot of them did it out of hate. Some did it out of ignorance. Some are struggling and desperate and thought this was a solution. I know that's not an excuse, but it makes me think of when I read The Drowned and the Saved by Primo Levi. He said that he didn't feel like he could judge people who betrayed their fellow Jews for favours from their captors, because he was never given the opportunity and if he had he couldn't say definitively that he would have been able to remain virtuous. 

I haven't had to struggle a lot in my life, not against external forces. I've always the necessities of life and more. If I wasn't able to feed my family, I can't say for sure that I would be high-minded enough to consider all the implications of voting for someone who I thought could fix that. But maybe I'm just thinking that because I can't bring myself to believe that that many people are filled with that much hate.

2. It's really hard not to hate anyone, because wow, do they ever hate women. By 'they', I mean men and all the agents of the patriarchy which, hey, look, includes a lot of other women! How is this something I'm going to do? I guess I'm ... not going to ever let myself believe again that they don't have women? My daughter knows this viscerally at a much younger age than I did. I can't possibly be glad about that, can I? Maybe it's better that she knows?

3. I'm going to beam a fuck-ton of love at everyone nearby. I didn't honk at the person who cut me off on my way to work. I was extra kind to all the kids, even the loud and unruly ones. I'm going to get together with my friends and love them all hard. We're still us, and no matter what, I'd rather be us than them. 

4. I'm going to remain extremely aware of how much my privilege insulates me from a lot of the crap that is going to fall on other people, and I will try to figure out a way to leverage that privilege in a way that helps those people and channels this rage.

5. I'm not going to engage with Trump supporters. If I have to respond so people in marginalized communities can see the reply, I will, but I won't curse, I won't get personal, and I will remain aware that there is no changing those hearts and minds on social media, and it just wastes energy that can be better directed elsewhere.

6. I'm going to keep doing NaBloPoMo and I might not talk about this every day. If anyone can't bring themselves to continue or needs to rant at length, I will be there for you. In 2016, it felt strange to talk about anything else, but the plain fact is, life goes on, and I will hope that every day we move into this presidency is one day closer to ending it. The weight of days drags us forward whether we like it or not. 

I know this is garbled and incomplete. Do I want to fight the good fight? Heck no - I was literally so mad all day about how many times I got poked by my poppy pin. But I've had it pretty good for pretty long, while a lot of others have not, and I will try to step up if I can. 

Much love, friends. And a little hope. 

And a little dog.