(I'm fine).
Monday was Family Day in Ontario, so schools were closed and I didn't have work, which is fortunate, because halfway through the day the queasiness I thought was a normal stomach bug escalated into screaming, crippling, unrelenting abdominal pain that my pharmacist sister said needed to be checked out. I couldn't stand up to get in the car so Matt called 911 and paramedics came. The 911 operator could hear me and asked if I had asthma and needed an inhaler and Matt said "um, she has an inhaler", and I said I just can't BREATHE because of the PAIN. I had managed to put on pajama pants and a t-shirt (rather than the pajama shorts and tank top I was wearing), tried to put on a bra but couldn't, and I realized how much pain I was in when I didn't manage to feel self-conscious about all the prodding and EKG stickering and shirt-lifting. My chief concern (beyond feeling like I was dying) was that they wouldn't be able to give me any pain meds while they didn't know what was going on. They did, though, give me fentanyl and morphine (which made me barf, they always do) which didn't kill the pain, but made it so I could form sentences.
The paramedics were funny, and thought I was funny, which clearly meant that they were very intelligent. The rookie asked me some questions and then looked me seriously in the face and said "how young are you?" and I said "oh, fuck off" and they laughed. One said "I heard your husband got it wrong on the call" and I said "yeah, but he went younger so he's good.".
One guy apologized for investigating my bookshelves, and (between hyperventilating and snotting prodigiously) I said I didn't fully trust anyone who didn't. He asked how Yellowface was. I told him I was done and he could take it, but he demurred, even though Matt said "no, she means it."
They described fentanyl and morphine and I acted like I had never heard of them (does everyone do that? I didn't know what to do, say "oh no, heavy painkillers and I go WAY back"?). They injected the fentanyl and asked me something and I answered in oddly specific detail and then said "oh, now I'm doing that thing where I'm talking as if I've just had a beer or two, like you said, is that what's happening?" and one laughed and said he felt like we should go out for actual beers some time. Then I barfed because I always do when I have IV painkillers, and that was less amusing.
I had some morphine and they started talking about extraction and I started giggling because it made me sound like a foreign asset. While they were loading me in the ambulance Eve tried to Facetime me and Matt answered and told her I just had a stomach bug and couldn't talk, and when she found out later she was like "oh my God, that makes it so much worse that I just kept talking" and "I guess he did sound a little weird, in retrospect."
In the ambulance they said it looked like I was still in a high level of pain, so they gave me more morphine, which meant I barfed again, but managed not to pee myself at the same time, so I had that going for me.
At the hospital we were parked in the hallway waiting for the triage nurse and being weird some more, and they took my blood pressure with the Life Pack again and then one of them (I only know one name, Trevor, and I don't know which one he was) said "imagine if we could just do all this by voice commands" and I said that sounded like the beginning of a Black Mirror episode, and then they ended up saying things like "Life Pack, you're my only friend" and "Sorry Life Pack, I only like you as a friend" and I said "have you guys been awake a really long time?" and they looked sheepish and said they had actually just started. I mean, no judgment, it's a tough job. They guessed that I was a teacher, and said school librarian was close enough.
Anyway, I am fine now, just tired and crampy and headachey and still don't really know what was happening, but I haven't blogged in days and I just wanted to take a stab at making an ER visit funny. How did I do, out of 10?
31 comments:
I am so sorry you were in such pain. And then the nausea coming from what is supposed to relieve the pain. And then the aftermath of fatigue and headache. Ugh.
10/10 on the funny telling. I mean, this is gold: "One guy apologized for investigating my bookshelves, and (between hyperventilating and snotting prodigiously) I said I didn't fully trust anyone who didn't." Of course you wouldn't trust such a person.
And I hope that, if I have crushing pain, Canadian EMTs come to rescue me, and ask me about books. It's a long shot, for sure.
When I was accomplishing childbirth for the first time, they gave me a painkiller which made it impossible for me to speak. I could form the words in my head, but couldn't make my mouth move. Painkillers are so weird.
Hope you are on the mend.
Also, what is Family Day? Is it nationwide? I suspect it is yet another reason that Canada is stellar.
Thank goodness THAT is over…was it your appendix? I always assume everything is someone’s appendix. My niece’s appendix almost burst years ago, and she had been in the hospital for a few days before they figured it out and I thought, “Wait, isn’t that like the FIRST think one assumes?” Do you like how I made your story about me?
HOW SCARY, and yes, 10/10 on funny.
Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry this happened. I hope you're starting to feel better now. You can really tell a funny story even when it's about something like this, you're amazing.
Yes, you made having to call EMT and the emergency room funny! As they say, if you don't laugh, you'll cry.
I'm thankful that you are OK and I hope the pain is under control <3
I DO like it because honestly I thought the same thing! I was like, pain, belly button, DON'T YOU ALL HAVE MEDICAL TRAINING? I guess that was NOT the first thing one assumes, and also it was not the actual thing. What did I even watch all that Grey's Anatomy FOR?
I think everyone but Quebec. They wanted a holiday in February. It is provincial, not federal. Fed gov employees get Remembrance Day and National Day of Truth and Reconciliation off but not Family Day. Which is weird to me.
Drugs are so trippy, lol.
My work here is done. I do feel much better, thank-you!
Thanks! Once they finally stopped the pain it never came back. Which is weird and not entirely reassuring, but also, no pain, so win?
EGADS!!! Wht in the world was it that caused all that pain??? Somehow you make everything funny, but wow- i hope everything is okay. Are you back home now?
Oh my god ALLISON. That sounds TERRIBLE, and also, yes, funny. In my experience, EMTs are just GREAT. My mom had a scary episode once and we had to call them, and they made everything calmer and everything felt more normal: like, if they're not panicking, everything's fine. Also it led to funny moments, like my mom saying she did NOT need to go to the hospital, and an EMT making direct comic eye contact with me and nodding Yeah, No, She's Going.
That pain sounds scary, and it is very unsatisfying that they did not find what CAUSED it. At our (young) age, I start to wonder about diverticulitis, which a few (equally young) family members started to experience occasionally with advancing youngness. It can cause some really intense pain, which can then disappear abruptly; in the case where it returned, antibiotics were needed---but in the other cases, it seems to have gone away on its own somehow?? I didn't look into it much, because it is unpleasant. If I'm remembering right, they can only see it on a CAT scan---so if, like, someone has x-rays, it won't show up there. But I'm getting fuzzier and fuzzier on these medical claims.
I am not a doctor, but I play one on the Internet. It sounds a lot like gall bladder to me, and one impacted with stones.
Anyway, this was hilarious and you were probably the Best Run those EMTs ever, ever had. You will be lionized and legendary in the very best way, The Oral Tradition, as EMTs love to chat about their patients.
I'm so sorry that you had such horrifying pain. I hope everything is okay and that you feel so much better. For me, there is nothing worse than vomiting. It feels like a personal failure every time. I also cry every time, but this is not about me.
Also! I am stunned by your generosity at loaning a book to this stranger during such time. What about a sign-out sheet? An I.D.? Collateral? You really were in the throes of something larger than yourself!
10/10, no notes.
Also, how freaking long were you in the ER?! I had the *clearly mistaken* impression that you had just gotten there at three or whenever it was.
Also also, it stinks so much to have no answer!!!!! Are you going to check in with a GI?
(This is Suzanne.)
ugh ugh ugh what an ordeal!
Wow, that's sounds scary. I'm glad you are feeling better but it would be better yet if you knew what had happened.
I'm going to jump in to say "Family Day" is supposed to let you spend time with your family, but because federal workers don't get it, and so many families in Ottawa have at least one parent working for the federal government, it's mostly "single parenting" day. But, perhaps, in other places it works better!
I know you are very familiar with that kind of frustration.
Like 14 hours. CT was past the halfway mark, I think.
Oh yes, back home and no further pain. Just flattened from the pain and dehydration for a few days.
Yeah, my dad mentioned diverticulitis, and I will ask about it if there's a recurrence. The paramedics have always been fantastic when we've called them for my dad too. My mind automatically starts shaping everything into a place where it can be funny - it works for our family but I'm sure some people would find it horrifying.
It occurred to me, but I think the CT scan would have shown that? Upcoming TMI ************************ By the time I barfed I had eaten nothing for hours so it was pure liquid, which is still terrible but better than otherwise, I find.
I feel much better today. Lingering headache still - unsure if that's electrolytes or weather.
I wouldn't have offered just any book, but Yellow face is not one I feel a burning need to keep. It would have been SO AWESOME if he'd taken it.
Oh my goodness, how horrible! It sounds terrifying and excruciating. Also, this is by FAR the most hilarious re-telling of a medical story I've ever heard, so kudos to you.
I just cannot even with the examining your bookshelves (which sounds like it *could* be a euphemism, because apparently my mind lives in a gutter).
LOL, steamy romance novel alert! “As the hot young EMT examined her bookshelves, he found himself wondering what it would be like to kiss her…to hold her in his trembling arms…instead, he whispered softly, ‘what did you think of Yellowface?’”
My husband had the same symptoms, and his scan showed a normal gall bladder BECAUSE it was so impacted with stones. Apparently, an impacted gall bladder looks like a normal one. However, that was decades ago, and technology has perhaps improved in leaps and bounds.
If the EMT had taken that book, it would have been not only awesome, but a great indication of the quality of EMTs in your area.
I've been worrying about you for a couple of days. Just had a brainwave to see if you'd posted something, and you had! I didn't expect that, and I didn't expect to be chuckling my way through it... but of course. Hope they figured it out and you're feeling better, friend! I'M SO GLAD MATT WAS HOME!
Wow that is an epically awful experience! But 10/10 for making this an entertaining read. I am sure you were the best, most entertaining patient they saw all month. It's good to have a sense of humor about yourself during stressful times. My guess was going to be diverticulitis. I have heard the pain from that is out of this world awful!
I've heard the same. Still a mystery, which is a bit nervous-making, but I'm at a week with no recurrence now, so fingers crossed.
He did ask if I was really okay with him leaving for Korea on Saturday, but it was with a 'please God say you're okay, I really need to go to Korea' expression, lol.
I am so glad you're ok, and I also really wishe he had taken the book
Oh, my goodness, Allison. I am so sorry you went through this. I hope that it never comes back. You must have been so unbelievably miserable. So glad you are feeling better.
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