Corneas and Kidneys and Fire, Oh My

 I've been trying to lean hard into "isn't it great that my winter depression lifted, ha ha, life is so good, things are happening, summer, whoo-hoo", and well, no. Or the thing where I don't blog until I feel better, but also no. I am feeling kind of crappy and (consequently, maybe?) crappy about myself. I am more tired than I should be, and my back hurts and all my shoes are lacerating my heels even when they didn't before, and my allergies are terrible so I feel sort of sick all the time, and I also really hate my hair and can't figure out when to get it done, and things are just hard, and that's okay to say, right?

I need the air pressure on my CPAP adjusted, further to my sleep study from last June. This has not been able to happen yet because my machine is the first one I got ten years ago, and when I went in for it to be adjusted it wouldn't take the adjustment. The machine is under a recall, so I'm supposed to be getting a new one, but Phillips has been spectacularly unresponsive, so it still hasn't happened. This probably goes some way to explaining the fatigue, and also the increased allergies, since the CPAP helps my tiny airways function better when it's working.

I have pretty sensitive eyes. I've learned not to squeeze them tightly shut, as I've instinctively done when water hits my face or something, because it always feels like there's grit under my lids. On Monday after making dinner my contacts felt suddenly really uncomfortable, and after I took them out my right eye still felt like there was something in it. This happens regularly - my usual routine is to put in some polysporin eye drops, which have a mild anesthetic, and close my eyes for a few minutes. Usually this works. This time it didn't. I didn't know if there might be a piece of contact left in, or if I'd just scratched it badly somehow. We tried to get into my eye doctor but they had just closed - receptionists were still there, so they gave me an emergency appointment for the next morning, at the same time that I was supposed to be at my dad's nephrologist appointment with him (he has idiopathic kidney failure). Fortunately, this was the first time the appointment was on Zoom (somewhat less fortunately, I was not at all confident the software would work). After that I had promised to take my mom shopping.

I was leveled emotionally by all of this in complete disproportion to the actual circumstances. I went into my shower and howled. Then I took a deep breath and we figured out that Angus (who was here for a few days) would drive me to the eye doc and Matt would stay home and do the nephrology call with my dad. 

When I saw the doctor, she put contrast drops in my eyes and looked at them, and said that the issue seems to be that because my allergies are so bad there are a bunch of bumps on the underside of my eyelid, and taking out my contact irritated them and caused them to scrape against my cornea (eeeeee gross). She gave me a prescription for drops to calm them and told me not to wear my glasses for a week. 

I got home just as the call started (and Matt did have to run tech support, so it was probably for the best that he stayed home to help). The news was good - my dad's kidney function is low but stable, and we're not at the point where we have to talk about dialysis. At this point, the nephrologist (who is a pretty chill, funny guy) said my dad's kidneys will probably outlast him, although he advised against having a heart attack or getting hit by a bus. My dad said he'd take that under consideration.

Matt had told my mom I'd hurt my eye so I wouldn't be taking her shopping, but my day off was already in shambles, and the thought of having to postpone and find another time was more daunting than actually going, so we went. I don't love malls at the best of time, and my mother (customary disclaimer, love my mom, she is generous with us and our children, she has baked a million banana muffins and cookies and I'm so grateful to have her in my life) - well, at this point it's not hard to fill the Taking Wanda Shopping Bingo card: 1) There's nothing good in any stores 2) The stuff online isn't in the stores 3) I'm disgusted 4) I don't need anything anyways (then why, why.... never mind). Anyway, I managed to find her two tops to go with the pants she had brought to try to match, and then she bought Angus a toaster because she had found out he didn't have one (because he's kind of a dumbass, he lives five minutes from a Target, but whatever), because she is good and kind and only a little bit infuriating. And we had a perfectly nice time, and then my parents came over for Chinese food because Angus was heading back to New York on Friday.

The rest of the week was fine. The air conditioning was even finally on in the libraries. I just felt like I couldn't quite catch my breath and like I should be doing more, but all I wanted to do was come home and hide in my room and read, and I felt guilty for feeling like this because I have no kids at home and I don't work that much, and it's not winter anymore. That meme where the person says 'let's be productive!' and their brain says 'no' and the person says 'okay then, relaxing it is' and their brain says 'no relax, only guilt'? That.

I thought I had a three-day migraine a couple of weeks ago, but from what I'm hearing from friends now, it may have been a weird virus. This may just be a hangover from that. But you know sometimes it's a relief to admit that you're sick and just go to bed and stop trying to smile through the pain? I kind of felt that yesterday when I told Matt and my Edibles and Hot Flashes FB messenger group that I was feeling bad and ashamed because of feeling bad and bad because of feeling ashamed.

And now half the province is on fire after half of other provinces where I have family and friends being on fire, and outside smells like we're in a campfire, and we can't go out without masks, and I'm angry at all the politicians and CEOs who got us here, and angry at myself for not doing enough and not really wanting to sacrifice my lifestyle, and I still don't really know what to do, but I'm doing some more concrete reading and donating, and together with that, what is there to do but still love our people and try to walk bravely into whatever future there still is? But before that I'm going to call the salon, because I am superficial enough to want to walk into the future with my hair looking better than this. 

I don't like posting without pictures, partly because it's visually dull and partly because when I post to Facebook the algorithm then chooses some random picture. So I have included pictures from the aviary that Eve walks by in Hamilton, and a funny picture she took on campus.