Recipes and Answers

This is the recipe we used for the grilled naan: https://thestayathomechef.com/grilled-naan/#jump-to-recipe. We followed it exactly, but putting it on the grill butter-side down and then buttering the other side was a bit cumbersome and interfered with closing the lid and getting the temperature hot enough, and when I thought about it afterwards, there's really no reason not to butter both sides before bringing it out to the grill, which would make the whole process more efficient.

This is the recipe for the soft pretzel bites: https://www.thegunnysack.com/two-ingredient-dough-pretzel-bites/. Unfortunately it doesn't help Nicole because it's not vegan - is there vegan Greek yogurt? Hey, it looks like there is!

Tudor's comment is funny because I thought "oh, right, this time I knew to google "Weight Watchers dough pretzel recipe" but the first time I found it I didn't, so how did I find it? Also, the same thing happened to me a few years ago with a brownie recipe, where it wanted me to use six exotic ingredients and do a dance under the midnight sky or something, and when I complained about it online everyone was like "oh honey, brownies are supposed to be easy". Clearly the internet just fucks with us sometimes.

I'm trying to remember what we were doing while baking the pretzels (and listening to Hamilton) when Eve said "oh, I shouldn't do that. That's a recipe for disaster". And then she fell over laughing at her own brilliance because we were following an ACTUAL recipe.

I'm struggling with paint colour decisions again, which is kind of dumb because the amount of crap that we'd have to move in order to access the walls in question means that it's probably not happening any time soon, but it's still bugging me. When we moved in here I was of the firm conviction that I would not live surrounded by white walls, so we painted the family room blue (it was okay, would have been better if it was darker), the kitchen yellow (a perfectly nice yellow, I'm just tired of it), the short hall to the living room and the actual living room a sort of orangey terra cotta (also fine, just tired of it) and the entrance kelly green (a frigging disaster, what the entire froggy fuck was I thinking? It literally matched Angus's ugly green uniform when he played for East Nepean Little League, and I love ENLL but not enough to paint my walls in homage).

We repainted the family room a nice darkish neutral brown, and I have no clue why we didn't extend that to the kitchen, because the walls literally flow into each other and the yellow looks weird next to the brown. My plan is probably to paint the kitchen the same brown, or close, because I don't remember what exact colour the family room is, then maybe also the living room, and paint one side of the hall eggplant, which I always love when I see it on a wall. But then I don't know what to do with the entrance. And I also really like a yellowy-apply-green for the entrance (we have part of the downstairs and Angus's room painted that colour and I've never gotten tired of it, I love it), but then what do I do with the hallway wall?

I will post pictures of the wall colours tomorrow when I'm less lazy (I just moved a bunch of shit around to get ready for a couch delivery tomorrow which I'm trying not to get too excited about because I don't really believe it's going to happen, and it's a million degrees and ninety percent humidity and I am tired and sweaty even with the AC on and three fans going, thank-you perimenopause) in case anyone wants to weigh in on what colour I should theoretically paint my house if we ever manage to get that far.

Oh, and the Sex Ed I Am Spartacus with vaginas episode is Season One Episode Five.

Appetites

I'm not in the greatest headspace. We've gotten crummy news on a couple of fronts that I don't really feel like talking about right now, but I feel like blogging at least once a week (at most once a week most weeks, let's be Frank, I mean frank, not that there's anything wrong with being Frank, simmer down Franks, I'm sure you're all lovely) is helping to maintain some sort of structure to my time so I'mma just throw up some random shit.

I did make the grilled naan last week and it turned out splendidly.

Glamour shot of the naan

Also, Eve's friends have been baking stuff and then driving around a little bit of it to everyone in the friend group, which has been lovely - beautifully decorated sugar cookies and cinnamon monkey bread so far (I should have taken pictures, I forgot). We figured it was our turn, so we made some soft pretzel bites on Saturday (Sunday? Some day). Are you familiar with the miracle and wonder that is Weight Watchers two-ingredient dough? I was hitherto unfamiliar with this incredible substance. To be clear, I am not doing anything resembling Weight Watching at the moment unless you want to count Watching it Go Up (not even that so much as Watching Myself Give Zero Fucks About My Weight, if we're aiming for absolute clarity). All I did was google "soft pretzel recipe" and then sit there with my jaw hanging open reading this one. 

Eve wearing Nana's flour-sack apron

Like I said, we weren't looking for a weight-conscious recipe. But it's frakkin' delicious and really freakin' easy, so we will be holding on to it.

Glamour shot of the few pretzel bites that were left

So we delivered to a couple of houses, and then had a socially-distanced (did I already say I'm getting sick of typing that? I'm really sick of typing that) backyard visit at the last house, which was lovely.

Davis somehow managing to look like a hot housewife from the seventies

We also spatchcocked a chicken. No, that's a lie, we cooked a spatchcocked chicken, I just like the word spatchcock.

(Nice legs, honey.)

I am having issues with formatting now, so apologies if this post only occupies the right half of the screen from here on in.

Are you watching Sex Education on Netflix? I kind of think pretty much everyone should be watching Sex Education on Netflix, although I recognize that it will very much not be to some people's taste. 

These are the texts I exchanged with my friend and my daughter last night regarding the show:

So, like, this show has taught my kid about anal douching AND healthy relationships AND the meaning of the word 'discourse' (pretty much).  And yes, my daughter is the one who recommended it to me. (Oh, there's also a fabulous "I am Spartacus" type scene involving vaginas. It's brilliant).

Right. This is the point in the post where I usually look at the disparate components and try to find a title to pull them all together. I'm... not seeing anything. Oh wait, I think I've got it. 

Your Last Normal Photo

There was a thing going around on Facebook asking you to post your the last photo on your phone before you went into lockdown.

This is mine:

We had friends over to play Smart Ass the first Sunday of March Break. It was supposed to be after we all saw Cats, but the rest of the performances had just been cancelled, so we were already wondering if we should have people over, but things were still very uncertain. We all washed our hands a lot but didn't exactly social distance, as you can see (we did hug a bit less than we usually do). We were supposed to go over to their house for a hot tub Tuesday night, two nights later, but by then recommendations were coming down and we decided not to go.

Ontario just announced that schools are closed for the rest of the year. We knew it was coming, but it still has a sobering finality. Eve is okay with it, and I'm okay with it for her. I'm pretty sad for myself. I only work a couple of days a week at two different schools, so chances of getting the kids I really like two years in a row are slim. When the kids come up for me to scan their books out, their patron record has their school picture with it. One boy at my Wednesday school is smiling like this in his photo:


When I told him how much I love seeing that smile every time I scan his books out, he started smiling the smile when he came up to my desk. It was a bright, lovely spot in every shift. There's also a boy named Stanley Cramp (I know I shouldn't be sharing his name, but when you google Stanley Cramp you just get some old British civil servant and ornithologist, who for all I know my Stanley is named after, but I don't feel like I'm endangering my Stanley) who has an adorable British accent and was astonished that I remembered his name so quickly, so then I would pretend not to know it - "Walter? Ernest? Plantagenet?" and he would howl with laughter and say "You're winding me up, you are" and guys, WHAT IF STANLEY CRAMP ISN'T IN MY LIBRARY PERIOD NEXT YEAR THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Okay, let's focus on some good stuff. We had no plans for the long week-end, mainly because we completely forgot it was a long week-end, who the frig knows anymore, am I right? We ended up seeing people (from a social distance, MAN I can't wait until I don't have to add that phrase to every second sentence, "I went and saw my BFF and SAT RIGHT BESIDE HER AND NIBBLED HER EAR A LITTLE" every day - my parents for a barbecue on Saturday, our neighbours and their friends that we love on Sunday, and the Smart Ass people and another couple on Monday. Sunday was impromptu banana daiquiris and wine and then someone got the munchies so someone did a McDonald's run. Matt said "did they ask you how much you smoked up before ordering this?"


First time I'd had McDonalds in years. It was better than I remembered, can't imagine why.

My neighbour's dog being adorable and totally not begging for a fry.

Lucy and her big sister.

Our neighbours are amazing and I love them. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't love their neighbours, especially now when even in lockdown rules - no more than five people, six feet apart - we could go sit in their back yard, drink a bottle of wine or five (that was only once), let the dogs run around and use our own washrooms. There have been no issues with our family being locked in together for two months - due as much to the kids' ages and the amount of space we have as to how much we like each other, which is a lot - but sometimes you just want to see another human other than on your computer screen.
I try really hard not to compare myself to other people, but I have been feeling kind of lame about my quarantine accomplishments - I haven't even baked bread, although I've baked innumerable biscuits, a buttload of maple oatmeal scones and some soft pretzels. So tonight we're making grilled naan. As ever when trying a new recipe, I figure it will either be a good meal or a good story. 

Housekeeping

I'm just going to bang something out here (a BLOG POST, shut up) because I'm feeling antsy that I haven't, even though I've been meaning to clean the en suite our bedroom all day, but instead I carried a bunch of stuff from the main floor to the basement and did some laundry and got some groceries and went to the liquor store and then came home and started cooking and then watched two episodes of Ozark with Matt and now I will probably end up cleaning the bathroom while he's trying to sleep, but goddammit I will not go to sleep one more time with that bathroom uncleaned!

Ha ha, I wrote that two days ago and then gave up and went and cleaned the bathroom. Fortunately Matt was working late, so I didn't keep him awake.

I've mostly climbed out of the slough of despond, partly because it had run its course and was clearly not helpful, partly because of the headaches from all the crying. I still think that, of the still-employed locked down, the children and young adults have it the hardest, and I reserve my right for me and them to be mournful over that. I do, however, fully recognize that it is a much better situation than being shipped off to the beaches of Normandy or sold into child slavery, and many children and young adults all over the world have it worse just in the normal course of things. And no one is going to argue that the Animal Crossing and Netflix doesn't mitigate the hardship. So. Back to dealing.

I came across a GQ article on Twitter called "Top Sheets are a Scam". It begins "a top sheet is the giftwrap of bedding: it looks nice, but you have to throw it away." It further claims that top sheets never stay remotely in place, and that they make the bed look messier than using just a duvet.

Clearly it was a throwaway piece, but it made me wonder how many people don't use top sheets. My kids don't, which bugged me for a while, but Eve is fastidious enough and Angus's bedroom is in the basement and thus ignorable enough that I got over it. I grew up using a top sheet and making the bed with hospital corners - I don't tuck it in at all now, but I cringe at the thought of not using one. I don't like touching the duvet - not because I think it's dirty, but because I feel like I'll get it dirty. I change my sheets once a week and still wash the duvet every couple of months.

So do people who don't use a top sheet wash the duvet way more often? Do they not feel like the duvet is sweaty and gross? I mean, I shower every night before going to bed, but presumably not everyone does. I never thought of myself as a particularly peaceful sleeper, but do top sheets really get that unruly?

This also gave me a happy memory of when I was in Morocco with my friends Holly and Janet (HI HOLLY AND JANET). The sheets were always tucked in to a punishing degree, so every night Janet and I would get into bed and Holly would go around the room yanking out the tucked ends so we could move.

My arm is still incredibly painful, so THANKS A LOT genial funny Youtube physiotherapists, you made me think I could cure myself and it was BULLCRAP. I'm sort of enjoying cleaning my own house except for the painful repercussions, and I'd really like to do some painting, but it's difficult when my dominant arm is a traitor.

Angus's summer baseball season got cancelled a couple of days ago. We were expecting it, but it still hurts - it was a minor league that he was recruited for in New York and it was going to be a lot of pretty high-level baseball, and both he and Matt were really looking forward to it. We're debating whether it makes more sense for him to get a job or whether we should use his available labour to do stuff around the house.

I keep thinking that I'll be okay and he'll be okay as long as he can go back in the fall. But he might not be able to, so we'll have to be okay no matter what. I also keep telling myself that we don't know what's going to happen, and unexpected good things could happen as well as expected bad things. There won't be a vaccine by fall, but there might be better treatments or tests. My usual M.O. is expecting the worst so I'm pleasantly surprised if the worst doesn't happen, but that's not really working right now, because expecting the worst impairs my ability to function. Even before this, some nights I would lie in bed obsessing about things and then tell myself "why not just think something good will happen?"

Pictures of Eve making Lucy do a puppy dance and a family selfie on Angus's birthday - last week he shaved his beard, which I love, into a horrible moustache, which I loathe, but I try really hard not to tell my kids what to do with their hair or clothes and it's a pandemic, so, shrug emoji. (But ugh, it's terrible).

Hunting and Gathering and Losing It a Little

I'm not doing great at the moment. I'm sad. I'm scared. One day it rained and I nearly had a panic attack because, even if I WASN'T going to go for a walk I really needed to know that I could if I wanted to. Angus has been doing pretty well, but he's tired of working out downstairs and not getting to play baseball and not seeing his girlfriend and, well, this all kind of sucks. I'm going to try to arrange a backyard beer with one of his friends this week because I think he really needs it.

I don't think I ever told the promised grocery shopping story in which I was an utter loon. It was just before the schools closed when we knew virus stuff was happening but not how bad it was going to get how soon. It was a Saturday morning and Matt had gone out to get some groceries. I realized, as always, that I had forgotten to add a few things to the list about ten minutes after he left, so I texted him. He didn't answer. I texted again. He didn't answer. I called him. No answer. I waited a few minutes and tried again. No answer.

I got out of bed, washed my face and brushed my hair and got dressed, went into Eve's room and said "I'm sorry about this, but Dad's not answering his phone and he is definitely probably fine but I have to go look for him because I just have to." She nodded calmly because she knows me. I drove the route he would have driven. A few minutes in I got a text from Eve that said "don't worry too much. The virus doesn't actually eat people". I wasn't worried about the virus. I was pretty much utterly convinced that he had gotten in a catastrophic or fatal car accident. I was, concurrently, also convinced that no such thing had happened and I was behaving irrationally, but I was powerless not to act.

I completed the route. There were no car accidents. I shrugged and started driving back home, and then realized I might as well stop and pick up the forgotten items on the list myself. As I was parking, I got a text from Matt saying he had no signal in the grocery store. I am ninety percent certain this was bullshit and he just had his phone off and didn't check it (he and Eve are both famous for this. Always have their phones, never have them on, nearly impossible to get hold of them, makes actual steam come out my ears). I didn't bother getting angry because it's not fair to expect him to know precisely when I'm going to go Full Paranoid Lunatic.

So we ended up with a metric fuckton of groceries, including a big bag of flour, which was just as well, and no one was much the worse for wear. I was exhausted and embarrassed and also a tiny bit proud, as if I'd had to wrangle a giant, ill-behaved pet through a crowd of people and done a passable, if not perfect, job of it.

My other Shopping During the Pandemic story was a couple of weeks later. Eve had been playing Club Penguin nostalgically with her friends online since school closed, and then started playing Animal Crossing. She finally decided that she wanted to buy a Nintendo Switch Lite- she's never bought any kind of video gaming thing before and generally hoards her money rather than spending it, so she has lots. Then of course we discovered that they were all sold out except the ugly grey one, and she was disproportionately upset about it, while knowing that she was disproportionately upset, which helps a little, but not a lot. We had out eye on the restocking date, and then I went to pick up some stuff at Shoppers Drug Mart and near the cashes suddenly there were two Nintendo Switch Lites - yellow and turquoise. I texted her and she texted back "OMG, you could LITERALLY SAY you RISKED YOUR LIFE to get one for me!"

The funny thing is, years back when I was looking for a PS4 for Angus for Christmas, the same damned thing happened - sold out everywhere, found one at Shoppers. And yet it never occurred to me to look for one there.

So yeah, I came off better in that story.

Just to round things out, today Angus went to throw in the parking lot near where he used to play baseball - it's not blocked off and there are often cops there when he goes, so it seems to be allowed. I get him to drop me off on the way so I can do the nice 4 or 5 k walk home on the path beside one of our main streets. I got home and decided to go to Farm Boy because I find it easier to just keep moving once I'm moving. So Angus had the car and, though I didn't realize it, my debit card from last week because he was going to get something and couldn't remember his own pin number. I had the van and a credit card that, for some reason, didn't work when I finally got to the cash. So Angus was uncontactable and Matt had no car. I had to call my Mom who basically drove over (they live right near Farm Boy) in a nightgown and a jacket and lent me her credit card. Then I gave her the stuff I had bought for her (they don't go to Farm Boy because the aisles are too narrow and they don't have seniors hours) and drove home. I was angry because I was exhausted and it was kind of humiliating, but it really wasn't anyone's fault, it was just a perfect storm of stupid stuff. We've done well having one low-limit credit card, but I really need to have a second one for occasions like this.

Isn't it funny how it's a big thrill right now if you go grocery shopping and there's no line? And people stay far enough away from you? And you actually find all the things on your list? I guess it's sort of good that we might appreciate shopping for food becoming mundane again. But I'm working pretty hard to find a silver lining right now.