To Whom it May Concern

Dear sun: Nice to see you, thanks for coming out.

Dear hair: It's okay, I understand.

Dear HTML: Can't we just get along?

Dear Woman Who Corrected my Pronunciation at a Party Once: Contemplative can be pronounced with the stress on the first OR second syllable, and in most dictionaries MY way is listed first. I looked it up. Suck it, Blondie.

Dear French school I walked past today: I suggest you lower the volume of your Oh Canada recording unless you are planning on becoming a French School for the Deaf.

Dear Bryan Adams: I recently read that you're the only musical artist who has turned down a request to have a song used by Glee. You're a douche.

Dear Person who decided Anusol should be called Anusol: Seriously?

Dear Guy who Owns the Gas Station where the lowest-priced selection is in the middle instead of at the far left so people will accidentally pay the second-highest price instead of the lowest: You suck and I will avoid your gas station, but I grudgingly admire your lawless entrepreneurial cold-bloodedness.

Dear Woman who chucked Eve under the chin and then said "fat little fella, huh?" when she was a baby: It's a girl, and you're not so svelte yourself, Lady.

Dear Resident who did my Epidural While I was Delivering Eve: maybe for the future you could come up with a slightly more diplomatic way to enumerate the small risks of an epidural. And avoid coming back and saying "oh yeah, and I should have also said the risks include paralysis and death."

Dear People who Disapprove of Epidurals: I TRIED to go natural, but when I'd been in labour for over forty-eight hours with no progression my MIDWIFE said okay, now we try oxytocin and an epidural, so DON'T JUDGE ME!

Dear Dishwasher: I know labels can be annoying and confining. But if you could see your way to clear to, I don't know, actually washing a dish at some point rather than just blowing bits of crap all over it and then heat-drying it on? That would be great.

Dear Professor from Grad School Whose Name I Can't Remember but Looked like a Slightly Older Julia Roberts: I loved your course on Religious Revitalization and Dissent. It was one of the best experiences of my university career. I loved how you wore men's vests and joked about your three ex-husbands and gently scandalized the Dominican Sister in the class. It made me consider switching my Master's to Religious Studies, but I chickened out because I thought it would be impractical. Because Comparative Literature, you know, it's just led to the cash rolling in.

Dear People with More Than Two Kids: I stand in awe.

Dear Kids: Sorry if that was offensive. You're not that bad. Really.

Dear Salt: If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right. Besides, like my sister says, no one ever says your ass looks salty.

Dear Person who Put the 'May Cause Drowsiness" Label on my Sleeping Pills: Thanks. Whew -- close one.

Dear Bryan Adams: Me again. That concert that you played in Sudbury? When some buttheads threw stuff on the stage and you said "Look, we don't appreciate being thrown things at"? The grammatically correct thing to say would have been "We don't appreciate having things thrown at us." I would have forgiven you if you'd just let Glee have your song, but as it is... you're a douche with bad grammar.

Dear Book I Stayed up Until Three O'Clock a.m. reading: It's okay. You were worth it.

Dear eleven o'clock: Oh. You're here already?

Sincerely,

Allison