Enough of That Crap

 I'm not going to delete the previous post, but around 1 a.m. last night while I was reading I stopped and gave my head a literal shake. There's nothing that wrong with needing a couple of days to wallow, but I do try to stay aware of my privilege and my perspective on that had slipped a bit. Like a lot of people I know, I want to get the vaccine and get our cases down so things can get back to something approaching normal. No one I'm close to has died of Covid or even been really sick with it. My kids have lost out on some important senior year and university experiences, but they're healthy and safe. I can stay home most of the time right now. And people in the rest of the world and literally in my province are sick and dying and terrified. I still have it pretty fucking good, and it's time to start acting like it.

Because there's nothing I can really do for those other people other than stay home and not be an asshole not be the kind of asshole that breaks the rules and endangers others, I am going to supplant my whiny post with some random less-whiny thoughts.

(I am still really pissed that the sign-up process for getting the Astra-Zeneca vaccine at a pharmacy is an absolute clusterfuck compared to the provincial portal that I used to sign my parents up for their vaccines. There's no centralization - you have to root around for a list of area pharmacies giving vaccines and put yourself on every single wait list separately. There are rumours that some places' wait lists aren't really working, so people walk in or call and get appointments that way instead - like, wtf? I'm okay waiting for a shot - none of us can go anywhere for the next five weeks anyway - but I am offended by the absolute teeth-aching fuckery of it all. But that's not the fault of the pharmacy workers, so I'm even more offended on their behalf, because the crapstorm they must be facing right now is terrifying to contemplate.)

Yesterday Pam (HI PAM) texted me authoritatively that we would be walking that afternoon whether I liked it or not. We stuck Lucy in her carrier, masked up and drove to a nearby trail. We were able to walk distanced and kept our masks for if we ran into people or if the path narrowed. We vented about Covid crankiness so hard that we forgot to notice the beauty of nature until it was time to turn around, so we made ourselves stop and stare at the trees for a while before we started bitching again. Pam has been working at a furniture store (until lockdown started this week) and getting the full brunt of people who are Covid cranky and also mad that their furniture isn't being delivered. I feel fully qualified to judge those people harshly because we had laid down a huge chunk of change for our first new couch in twenty years just before lockdown last year and its delivery was in limbo for months before we got it, and I never spoke harshly to anyone over that. Who the fuck yells at a store employee (particularly one as nice as Pam) over a chair? Seriously, reconsider your life choices. So she's looking for a less stressful job. I suggested she get one answering phones in a pharmacy because I'm helpful like that. 

Then we went and got a few groceries, and our thing before we got stupid jobs was always going for a walk and then getting groceries, so even though we had to wear masks and be careful not to be too close it felt reasonably like normal times, and I was less cranky after (and not just because I bought ice cream). Also, the checkout girl said she liked my hair. 

We're back to the Zoom bar nights, which I hate but force myself to do every now and then. I just feel so weird sitting there, and I can't think of what to say, and I HATE staring at my stupid face and I get obsessed with all my chins, and then Matt gets mad at me because I keep moving my face around hoping some chins will disappear (they never do) and I try to tell myself that no one else is focusing on my chins (but I know someone probably is). I prefer the kind of bar night where I can just look at other people's faces and forget that I have one for a while.

Today Eve had a P.D. day so she drove us out to the fancy doughnut shop and we listened to Demi Lovato's new album. I wore a sundress and when I got home I walked Lucy in a sundress and sandals and sunglasses like an aging movie star instead of my usual ratty shorts and t-shirt. I brought my neighbour some doughnuts, which reminds me of the time we got a giant-ass cake from a local bakery for Matt's birthday and I brought some over but they didn't answer the door so I left it on the step intending to text when I got home. But in the thirty seconds it took me to walk back home I forgot about texting, and then she texted me "did you just leave cake at my door? I hope so because I already ate it", and I died laughing and told her she probably had some kind of tracker inside her now. 

It's Friday ((I think). I wish everyone health and good weather and vaccines and trackerless cake. 

What the hell is a hand-roasted nut? I guess it's better than a nut-roasted hand, but just barely

Surly Thursday, Not the Funny Kind

 Not gonna lie, things have gone to shit around here somewhat. I had a funny Surly Thursday post lined up for before our April Break (postponed from March) and then our Covid cases went through the roof and both my school and Eve's which had had very few cases were suddenly turning up positives every couple of days and I was working in the office which means cradling a lot of sweaty heads and catching a lot of nose blood, and I was feeling both anxious and guilty for feeling anxious when I was still in a pretty low-risk position. I was booked to work the last three days before the break in the office and I toyed with not going in, because quite honestly as a sub they don't pay me nearly enough to take that kind of risk, or to sit in sweltering PPE in the isolation room with a kid who has an upset stomach and needs to be isolated until a parent can pick them and all their siblings up. But I didn't want to leave the school short-handed, so I went in and it was okay, and then I sort of crashed into a boneless heap.

This boneless heap was shortly thereafter animated by rage and spite when I guess there were rumours that Ontario was going to ask for health care workers and/or vaccines to be shared from the East Coast. A bunch of East Coasters took to Twitter to express their displeasure with this. In a way I get it. I know we're all exhausted and frightened and a prolonged crisis like this makes it really hard to stay compassionate and gracious. In another way I was profoundly hurt and angry that a bunch of people were almost gleefully proclaiming that the people of Ontario had brought this on ourselves by not following the rules and it was only right that we should suffer the consequences.

This sentiment completely ignores the fact that many outbreaks came from workplaces such as factories where low-income workers weren't given paid time off to get tested or stay home if they were sick, and that there was no evidence at all that all of the cases were generated by gatherings or people flouting restrictions. We have a premier that wouldn't institute paid sick days or close schools, even when it was known that the variants are more contagious and school cases were increasing. I have heard of crises in other parts of the world many times that were down to poor government management as much as to acts of God. I have never felt anything but lucky and concerned about how I could help. Now a high number of people, many of whom I followed, some of whom I considered friends, saying "you want me to give up my vaccine for these jerks?" Well no, I don't actually, but also now we're not friends anymore because that was an asshole thing to say when you know you have Ontario people who follow you who are sick with fear and anger about what's going on in our province. It takes a certain amount of willful blindness in that person's place to feel morally superior instead of just fortunate. 

I used to be kind of dismissive of those memes about shattering a plate and then trying to glue it back together to show how you can't just say "I'm sorry" after saying something hurtful and make everything go back the way it was. People screw up, I would think, and there's no way we can all avoid ever saying the wrong thing. But a few times over the past couple of years someone has said something that I knew almost immediately had caused irreparable damage to our relationship. Sometimes they did even say sorry. Sometimes I even appreciated it. It didn't change the fact that that thing was said and I would never forget that they said it. 

The cool thing about this is that I've also realized that, when someone says something like that, I don't have to let them just stay in my life and keep aggravating the sore spot. I used to be bad at this. I would continue to see people or be Facebook friends with them or follow them, even when every interaction left me fuming or annoyed or going over what I wished I'd said in my head. Sometimes I did start arguing every point, because for a lot of my life I wasn't confident or assertive enough to argue or speak out even when I felt like I should. Then I'd get to the point where I'd be wondering why I kept up a relationship that was more work than satisfaction. One person on Facebook actually asked me something like "why do you keep being friends with me if you disagree with everything I say?" and it was like a light bulb - omg, I don't HAVE to be? Omg, I don't HAVE TO BE. 

I don't know why I was so hesitant to walk away like this before. Maybe I thought they weren't that bad. Maybe I thought it was too drastic a measure. I was wrong! It's so liberating! The people in my timeline are people I actually want to see and they say kind, funny, helpful things! Like Hannah (HI HANNAH), possibly the only person from the East Coast I didn't unfollow because she told everyone who snarked about Ontario to fuck off. 

The irony is that I have now bitched about this issue so much that I'm even sick of myself, but I've typed out all this crap and I'm unable to unfollow myself (believe me, I've tried), so I'm going to consider this cathartic and try to speak of it no more. Hang on, that might not be irony. Fuck it, I don't care. 

I'm going to post this pitiful diatribe and then plan to get back to being funny next time.