Everything's Coming Up Penises!

 You know when a common theme just keeps popping up (snicker) in every area of your life? Sometimes I'm reading two books that ostensibly have nothing to do with each other, and the same German philosopher is mentioned. Sometimes everyone I meet in a day has something wrong with their foot. It's a funny kind of synchronicity that means nothing but always amuses and delights me anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, my personal zeitgeist went completely phallic.

First, it was book club. My friend Sharon, a freelance writer, volunteered that she was doing some work involving the San Francisco Healthy Penis Project, which is focused on raising awareness of syphilis and persuading gay and bisexual men to get tested. Along with lists of clinics and super-fun comic strip ads like these,



there were also people wandering the streets of the Castro (SF's gay district) wearing seven-foot-tall penis costumes.

Apparently the campaign has also been used in other parts of California, and in Winnipeg here in Canada, where I assume the seven-foot-tall penises are wearing parkas, or a lot of mosquito repellent.

(Shut up, Pedro! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA).























Later in the week, it was beer-and-fifty-cent-wings night with our crew at Johnny Canucks. The topic of circumcision came up, and my friend said her husband was of the opinion that circumcision was a Catholic tradition as well as a Jewish one, because all the Catholic men of his age that he knew were circumcised. I said that I didn't think it had anything to do with Catholicism, but rather was the trend in hospitals and health care at that time. Being of curious mind, my friend did some research and emailed it out the next day. Since his inbox was filling up with "penis research", another friend graced us with the link to Double Dick Reddit Guy, so, you know, there went that afternoon.

Photo credit amy_buthod

Then Eve came home from school "totally traumatized" by the puberty unit in health class. She kept waving the penis diagram in my face and saying "WE HAVE TO NAME ALL THE PARTS!" She said they all felt really bad for Jonathan because he had to write the word 'penis' on the board. She regaled us with quotes from the antiquated video they were shown, where little Johnny asks his Uncle Pat what happens if his penis never gets any bigger, and hollered about fallopian tubes at random intervals. There was a quiz on the Friday, so every few hours we'd ask how her studying was going for the penis test. My mom and Marianna's grandmother tried the "why is it any different from talking about eyes, or elbows, or any other body part?" tactic, but I didn't even bother. Penises are funny. They just are.

So yeah, that week was a total ball (I kill me). On the week-end my husband came to bed and indicated some amorous intentions. I looked up from my book and saw that he had left the bedroom door open, and reminded him that Eve had just gone to bed one room away, and that she had probably had enough of penises for one seven-day period.

Written on the Body

Dear Zits,

When I said I wanted the face of a nineteen-year-old again, this is not exactly what I meant, but I understand your confusion.

Apologetically,

Allison

***

Dear Wrinkles,

Surely you're too old to be hanging with zits. It's unseemly. Get some pride.

Helpfully,

Allison

***

Dear Breasts,

Much has been asked of you, I know. Would it be churlish to remind you that there hasn't been a nine-pound iron-gummed nipper hanging off of either of you for a good eight years now? And to ask you to, correspondingly, PERK THE FUCK UP ALREADY?

Exasperatedly,

Allison

***

Dear Stomach and Hips,

I appreciate your steadfastness, but we don't actually have to be perenially ready for a hard winter on the Russian Steppes. Feel free to stand down.

Consolingly,

Allison

***

Dear Lower Back,

Oh, cry me a river. We've all got it tough. Talk to the boobs if you don't believe me.

Bracingly,

Allison

***

Dear Hemorrhoids,

Didn't get the memo on location, location, location, huh?

Mystifiedly,

Allison

***

Dear Right Knee,

You CAN be replaced.

Menacingly,

Allison

***

Dear Toes,

That colour looks fabulous on you. Keep up the good work.

Fondly,

Allison

How Deep is Your Love? How Full is Your Life? What Colour is Your Parachute?

Nan started the ball rolling by charting her own life against a "The 50 Ways to Live Life to the Full" list from the Daily Mail site; Nicole did it too. I just looked at the actual site and realized I was laboring under a misconception; I thought that some editors or columnists had compiled the list, which reads as incredibly skewed towards privileged, neurotypical, able-bodied (but probably overweight) people. It turns out the list was actually generated from a survey of 2000 adults - presumably mostly privileged, neurotypical, able-bodied mostly overweight adults, but it still lessens my ability to be snarkily contemptuous of whoever wrote the article. And hey, we all know I love a good meme, especially on a baseball night. And what if there's an easy way to live life to the full (is that even grammatically correct? Is that a British-ism? It bugs me) and I'm missing it? That would suck.

1. Stop worrying about money

Okay. Do you think the grocery store takes Pokemon cards?

2. Stop worrying about what other people think

I would. Except for that thing where sometimes I think I'm a worthless pile of monkey-snot and then my friends tell me I'm actually quite nice and fairly intelligent and even fun to have around. Am I just supposed to disregard what other people think if it's bad? Look, if my ass looks huge I want to hear about it. It's not like I can look at my own ass.

3. Take two holidays a year

I go to visit Zarah every fall. I'm going to Toronto to see Book of Mormon in a couple of weeks. I think I'm going to Blissdom next October. I'm nothing BUT holidays, baby.

4. Enjoy little comforts in life

Pam and I picked up warm tortillas from Lone Star today, plus filled her trunk with booze. Also, sometimes I don't buy recycled toilet paper.

5. Experience different cultures

Uh... I love curry. The kids and I learned an aboriginal dance at Turtle Island. Eve did Irish dance, but she said it was "really really boring - you just keep doing the same thing over and over again". I saw a Japanese ballet once and didn't hate it. My husband ate horse sashimi and didn't barf. Actually, he travels all over the world - can I just let him experience the different cultures?

6. Work to live rather than live to work

But what if you love your job? Then working IS living because you're doing what you love. And who the heck works like crazy if they DON'T love their job? Oh, wait, my husband, because I'm a neurotic drain on the family resources. Move along, nothing to see here.

7. Pay off all debts

Uh, how do we do that without worrying about money? We paid off our mortgage early, but that was because we were sitting on a buttload of stock options and decided to invest some in our house when Angus was born instead of getting greedy and hoping they'd go up more. It turned out to be a sound decision (hear the sound of the tech bubble bursting ten-ish years ago? It was right after we paid off our mortgage). 

8. Be true to yourself

And false to everyone else? Seriously, what does this even mean? 

9. Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don't have

This one's not bad. Unless what you don't have is a job. Or a liver. Or a sense of humour. Then concentrate on what you don't have.

10. Use money on experiences rather than saving for a rainy day

This kind of reminds of when I saw Tommy Lee on American Idol, saying in a stupefied monotone "You just hafta decide whether you're gonna go with your heart or your gut, and I always go with my gut", and I thought "Wait, isn't it supposed to be the heart or the HEAD?" If this one had said "use money on experiences rather than stuff", I might have been inclined to agree, but saving for a rainy day, as in "a day when life rains down job loss, car trouble, catastrophic furnace failure or catastrophically bad dental genes" is also crucial.

11. Make time for family and friends

I do. Then again, I don't have a full time job. Maybe if you do, you're perfectly justified in only making time for Patrick Dempsey and Idris Elba in your off hours.

12. Try all types of food

Nah. I'm forty-two. I'm pretty confirmed in what kind of food I find enjoyable. I don't consider having to suppress my gag reflex necessary in living life to the fullest.

13. Find true love

I already mentioned Idris Elba. Oh wait, my husband? Yeah, he's great too.

14. Travel to at least 25 different foreign countries

The U.S., Cuba, Jamaica, England, Germany, France, Morocco. Huh. My husband's been to China, Japan, Singapore and Australia. That's still only eleven! Cripes, what is this, living your life to the fullest while being a fugitive chased by Interpol?

15. Go outside more

Yeah, okay, I guess. I have allergies and walking on the ice hurts my back and my anxiety. I have to sit and watch Eve's team's excruciatingly bad softball games once a week. Feeling like my life is fuller already.

16. Learn a new language

I learned French in school, beginner's German in university, and last year I learned MARC programming. Eve's well on her way: The other day she came in and said "Bongiorno, Maman". Matt said "any more languages you'd like to tack on there?" and she said "Sarcasm?"

17. Be well thought of by family and friends

So, develop the ability to control people's minds? Sounds fun, I'm on it. You love this blog! Tell all your friends!

18. Help a member of your family out when they really need it

My mom can't figure out the library hold system, so I request her books for her, pick them up and deliver them to her. Plus I gave her my kidney that one time. No I didn't. What if they don't really need my help? Am I supposed to precipitate a crisis just so I can leap in and save the day? Oops, sorry I broke your leg. Let me fetch you some tea!

19. Lose a stone in weight

Nicole informs me that a stone in fourteen pounds. This is a pretty specific one. I have, in fact, recently lost almost a stone (twelve pounds). It was indeed an intoxicating experience. In fact, I enjoyed losing that last two pounds so much that I've done it two or three times. But this is sort of oddly specific and kind of sad - obviously everyone shouldn't be losing fourteen pounds, and the notion that losing fourteen pounds would mean living your life to the fullest sounds like a failure of imagination to me.

20. Treat each day like it's your last

So, down a bottle of tequila, kiss my children a tearful goodbye, and track down and force-kiss Eliot from Leverage? I'm not sure this is sound advice. 

21. Visit all of Britain's historical landmarks

But this is for British people, right? So am I supposed to visit all of Canada's historical landmarks? Enh, Canada's not that old. Shouldn't be hard.

22. Book an impulsive last minute holiday

Ha. This goes along with "live every day like it's your last", right? Because if I booked an impulsive last-minute holiday it WOULD be my last day, because I'd die of anxiety. 

23. Volunteer for a good cause

I'm at my kids' school every second damned day. Do you have any idea how many books would go unshelved if not for me? I spent nine hours on my feet for Word on the Street one year even though I had to CALL someone I didn't actually know on the PHONE in order to volunteer - actually I'm not sure Word on the Street has been held in Ottawa since; hope I wasn't directly responsible. I work the barbecue at baseball tournaments. I keep trying to give blood, but nobody wants mine. 

24. Take up a challenge

I submitted blog posts for Blogging Out Loud Ottawa. Twice. I thought THAT was enough of a challenge, but when they actually went ahead and picked me to then read said posts out loud, in front of people, I did that too. Introvert. Anxiety. You do the math. Hmm, I don't think Lynn is holding Blogging Out Loud this year. Hope I wasn't directly responsible. I think challenging yourself on a fairly regular basis is actually instrumental in living a full life. I think periodically eating ice cream and watching Luther and leaving the challenging stuff to other folks is also instrumental in living a full life.

25. Go on safari

Huh? Pass.

26. Blow a load of money in one shopping trip, just because you can

I was about to storm off in a huff, but then I remembered that when Angus was about six months old and Matt and I hadn't been anywhere for months, we left him with my parents and went downtown to the Rideau Centre. We bought Matt some badly-needed new business clothes and we bought me sexy black boots and a dress which he then made me change into behind our truck in the parking garage. We went out for dinner and our credit card was declined, so we paid with our debit card. When we got home and called the credit card company they said they had just been concerned because of the unusual activity on the card. We burst out laughing, high-fived each other and said "We stole our own credit card!"

27. Learn a new instrument

I learned piano. For me it was great. For some people? Not learning an instrument is just a kindness to the world.

28. Be married for longer than 20 years

Seventeen and counting for me, but way to piss off those single people that are already pissed off with everything being targeted at married people. 

29. Have enough money left for the grandchildren to enjoy

Who says I'm going to have any? Won't I look silly if I have all this money left and no grandchildren? 

30. Start a family

Again, works for me, but not for everybody. 

31. Earn more than your age

Forty-two? Forty-two what? Forty-two dollars? Got that covered by the stuff I've sold to the consignment store, although I guess technically those clothes were paid for by my husband's earnings, so it's not really mine. Forty-two thousand dollars? Pretty sure that even if I get a library tech job, that ain't gonna happen. Forty-two outsized compliments from my children about how beautiful I am, how fabulous at ordering baseball hats online, how marvellous at cooking curried chicken? Now we're talking. 

32. Have a pet

Remember how I killed Eve's fish? And her hermit crab? And her best friend's bird? I don't think any more of God's creatures should have to give their lives so I can live mine more fully. 

33. Drive a really fast car

I did. It sucked.

34. Travel alone

I did. It rocked. 

35. Be able to keep the kids on the straight and narrow

Straight and narrow? Wouldn't it be more badass to set them on the crooked and wide?

36. Meet strangers

I do. Constantly. Strangers love me. I help them find salt. I tell them how to eat a kiwi. I help them work the parking machine. And stuff like this. I agree - being open to meeting and interacting with strangers makes for a fuller life. 

37. Move away from home to an unfamiliar place

Yup.

38. Have a one night stand

Done. Back in university. In a half-hearted, Catholic kind of way. I'm counting it!

39. Pass your driving test

Took me a couple of tries. Goddamn, most of you didn't know that, did you?

40. Get a degree

Got two. Bachelor of Arts and Masters in Comparative Literature. That and four more years of one course at a time of Library and Information Technology might get me a job some day.

41. Rescue someone so that you're a hero for a little while

I rescue someone whenever I'm able. Sometimes I let other people rescue me too. Usually Pam.

42. Date someone exciting but completely wrong for you

I'm trying, but Eliot from Leverage has really good lawyers.

43. Get a promotion

I'll talk to the library tech I volunteer for and see if she'll bump me up to "EXTRA SPECIAL unpaid volunteer".

44. Reach the desired career peak by age 40

Well how do you know my desired career peak WASN'T the kind of job where you can wear yoga pants and have playdough in your hair and as long as all the kids are alive at the end of the day it's a win?

45. Have an all-night drinking session

Okay. They're fun. (Wow, the people who answered this survey don't get out a whole lot, do they?)

46. Perform something on stage in front of others

Blogging out Loud. And in university my girlfriend and I prepared and presented two scenes from Ionesco absurdist plays at an annual French Bistro night. It was really fun. Oh, plus, my other language was in play? Do I get double points?

47. Snog a stranger

In grade thirteen my girlfriend and I somehow got drafted to volunteer to work concession at a Beach Boys concert in Sudbury. Somewhat surprisingly, I had a blast. I wore my sister's navy blue tank top (which if you look at us now would make you HOWL with laughter, or dismay, or something) and a khaki skirt, and I had a bit of a tan, and I felt pretty, and all the male attention I got seemed sort of innocent and sweet rather slobbery and gross. At the end when the concession was closed, we were walking towards the stadium to watch the last bit of the concert, and a group of guys was walking towards us. One of them, as he was walking towards me, said "no, seriously, you and me?" and he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth and then let me go and kept walking. Many things told me then and tell me now that I should have been outraged and offended, but I wasn't. It just didn't have that feeling to it. Then there was that New Year's Eve in Saskatchewan, but that was less wholesome and let's just leave that be, shall we?

48. Plan a surprise party

Our best surprise party effort was for the same girlfriend I worked concession with. It was her birthday in grade ten or eleven. We switched her locker lock with my other girlfriend's so she wouldn't be able to open her locker and would miss her bus, which left before ours. We told her to come home with us and the other friend's mother would drive her home, then the party was at my friend's house. She was very impressed, and not at all pissed that we had made her think she was insane or amnesic, as, now that I think about it, some people might have been.

49. Embark on adrenaline packed activities such as sky diving or bungee jumping

....or talking to other parents when you pick up your kids at school! Or parking when there isn't a double space available! Whatever. I've gone ziplining. I know what's more adrenaline-packed for me.

50. Spend time with children, even if they're not your own. 

Or especially. Kids usually behave better for people who aren't their parents. Hey, let's all trade kids!

**********************************

So, I score.... call it thirty-one and a half. If my life was any fuller, I'd probably have trouble carrying it. 

Scintilla Day 6, on Day 7, skipping Days 4 and 5 because I'm badass like that

That's right. I'm knocking my Scintilla experience even further askew. 

2. Write about a chance meeting that has stayed with you ever since.

After I finished my Master's Degree but before I figured out what to do next, we moved to Toronto for Matt's first job. We didn't have a lot of money, and the place we found was great - the main floor of a house lovingly refinished by a really great contractor who we became friendly with - but in a sort of crappy part of town. Which was fine - we were youngish and had no kids and I never actually felt unsafe. We just said we lived in a full-service neighbourhood - you could get a gyro, a joint and a blowjob without having to walk more than a block in any direction.

We had a little truck that Matt used to go to work every day, so I took the subway or walked everywhere. Our front door was only two houses away from Dundas West, which I would walk down pretty much every day, to the No Frills for groceries, to the laundromat to wash clothes, or the used bookstore where I bought used stamps that I made art with. 


Is it proper to call them chance meetings when I was basically assured of at least one a week? Sometimes I felt like Alice in Wonderland, except the Cheshire Cat and Tweedledee probably didn't smell like curry, or urine. There was Isaac from Trinidad who I bought fiery-spiced Caribbean chicken from on Fridays until he disappeared, then one day I heard him yelling at me from the other side of the street telling me to come see him at his new location. I went in and his mother-in-law gave me a free coffee, which I don't drink, and while I choked it down to be polite we talked about religion and Leo Buscaglia all afternoon. Isaac said I had run across his head the other night, and when I raised my eyebrows and looked questioningly at his wife she said "he means he dreamed about you". Okay then. When Matt  husband got up for work the next morning I was still awake reading. He told me not to drink the coffee the next time.

There was the girl with the fabulous long curly hair I always ran into at the laundromat. She would turn the tv on to music videos and sing note-perfect Shania Twain songs with an admirable lack of self-consciousness.

There was the guy in biker boots and chains and leather leaning on the mailbox. "Excuse me, " I said. "Yes?" he smiled politely. "Oh - I meant literally excuse me, I just need to mail something." He moved aside and said "oh - I thought maybe we were going to have an adventure", which made me think "oh....wait....damn." It was probably just as well - I was mailing my wedding invitations.

There was the blind woman who was walking in front of me and suddenly stopped and asked no one in particular "didn't there used to be a restaurant around here? I can't smell it", and took my arm agreeably while I led her to the nearest restaurant I knew of and she ascertained whether they had the kind of soup she wanted before going in.

There were other, less agreeable encounters, and I don't really feel like talking about them now, so I won't.

I knew that I didn't really want to raise kids there - there were crackhouses within spitting distance and if there was nothing on tv you could usually watch a takedown out the back window. The guy in the house behind us put out a bunch of furniture he said he was going to sell, but he didn't cover it, and this is Canada - we get weather. Some guy wandered around for two hours one very early morning yelling out that someone had stolen his hat and sounding genuinely grieved about it. My husband and I grew up in the suburbs, and we just weren't hip enough to have kids on the rough edge of downtown Toronto. But I think of the hilarious interactions that could have occurred walking down that street with small Angus or Eve, the way they always greeted everyone with genuine interest and openness and how that could have led to some really exceptional moments. I think of that street fondly - it was a little vanilla danger in my safe, safe life. 

The Plague Diaries

I woke up early this morning. I could feel that my fever was back up. I thought about sitting up to take some Tylenol, but I knew this would aggravate the flaming girdle of cough-strained muscle that has been my torso for the past forty-eight hours. And I thought, why not let the fever do its noble and intended work of burning off the sickness? So I lay perfectly still, trying not to swallow or breathe in a way that would provoke the knife shards in my throat to further lacerating activity, and imagined the fever sweeping through my body in a cleansing, scouring fury.

Some time later I rose triumphant from my bed, feeling rested and restored and that my decision had been amply justified. Then I realized that, in addition to feeling stronger and faster than I had in some time, I was also apparently now a man. And that I may have inadvertently confused the healing fire of a fever with a radioactive spider bite. And that I wasn't, perhaps, upon further reflection, awake at all.

My husband came in to check on me. I asked him if I could shoot webs now. He said probably not. I asked him to check if my toes were steaming.

He made me take some Tylenol.

Recursion 23

Scintilla Day 9:  Write a list of 23. (23 things to do, 23 people you owe apologies
to, 23 books you've lied about reading, 23 things you can see from
where you're sitting, 23 ten-word hooks for stories you want to
tell....)

Notwithstanding the fact that any project that mentions LYING about reading books is momentarily on VERY SHAKY GROUND with me, here is my list of ... lists.

I couldn't think of anything to list, and going random just seemed too easy, so I googled list of, and then got caught up in all the lists there are. Which then makes this kind of random, doesn't it? Look, my husband's away and I did dance class AND playoff hockey last night, okay? AND the other team almost tied it up in the last four seconds. My nerves are SHOT.  

1. List of colours. Colour swatches from domain-specific naming schemes, and a bunch of other stuff I don't understand, but the names are cool. Android Green. Dark Byzantium. Caput Mortuum (that means 'dead head' or 'worthless remains' which is totally something I would like to have on my bedroom walls, how about you?)

2. List of the top ten evil children in fiction. Recently I watched Orphan and Joshua, which made me wonder what the hell I was thinking, and then question what the hell Vera Farmiga was thinking, especially the second time. Is there anything scarier than evil children? Evil bunnies, maybe? Especially because the people in the evil children books or movies have apparently never read or seen an evil-child book or movie, so no one ever believes the person who figures out that the kid is evil, while the poor person reading or watching is going "But it's so obvious! The child is EVIL! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" 

3. The top 17 most overused movie soundtrack songs. I had no idea the Big Butts song was in so many movies. 

4. The phobia list. Acerophobia - fear of sourness. Blennophobia - fear of slime. Zelophobia - fear of jealousy. Automatonophobia - fear of ventriloquists' dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsely represents a sentient being (this seems to me both uncreatively named and JUST GOOD COMMON SENSE). Soceraphobia - fear of parents-in-law (not touching that one). You guys - this list is FUN.

5. Top ten animals you didn't know were venomous. BUNNIES. Just kidding. But look!

It's as cute as a bunny - and it's venomous AND poisonous. 

6. The Penis List. It's rude. It's crude. It's for the shallow and easily amused. Needless to say, I laughed my ass off.

7. The top ten most misunderstood lines in literary history. If you're anything like me, you will approach this list with an insufferable degree of smugness and immediately be demolished by the fact that HOLY CRAP, that's NOT what that Robert Frost poem means AT ALL. Hmph.

8. List of Doofenshmirtz's schemes and inventions. In case you're ever in the need of an idea for a good 'Inator'. Because who doesn't want to show the entire Tri-State area who's boss some days? 

9. List of songs that contain lists. Too meta? Sorry. 

10. A List of Dragon Movies. 

11. Lucky and unlucky Chinese numbers. Just, you know, in case.

12. The Elf Name Generator. Oh pipe down Gurutphen, so it's not a list, it's fun. 

13. List of antibiotics. Blephamide sort of sounds like it could be an elf name, doesn't it? 

14. Top ten amazing holes in the earth. You think I'M copping out here? One of these is called the Great Blue Hole!

15. List of hysterical fridge notes, which I can't link to because one was too gross. Sorry.

16. 12 hilarious teachers' replies. This one should be safe. 

17. List of Pokémon by National Pokédex Number. Some of you will thank me for this some day. The rest of you, move along. 

18. List of the world's billionaires. You never know when you might need one. And to the Spanx chick - NO ONE DESERVES IT MORE. 

19. List of Challenged Books and Magazines in Canada from Februry 2012. Including that hot-button tome, Ziggy Piggy and the Three Little Pigs. 

20. List of Endangered Languages: Be a sport - learn Dzongkha today. Feel slightly guilty if you can't help chuckling ruefully when you learn that the last two fluent speakers of Ayapaneco aren't speaking to each other.

21. List of curry recipes. Yes, I have spent way too long on this list and I need to go make dinner. Too bad I don't have any snake gourd on hand. 

22. List of Kangaroo Words. Here is a good definition of kangaroo words, which I knew nothing about until two minutes ago and about which I am now ridiculously excited. 

23. List of positive affirmations. Because I feel like I reverted to my regular blog persona somewhat on this one, so I went a TOTAL OTHER WAY just to keep you off balance. See? I can be positive and affirmative or whatever. 

Walk a mile in another man's socks. Or something.

Last week-end we went to our friends' place for dinner and the kids played outside and Angus's socks got wet so he borrowed a pair from his friend Fletcher. Eve's entire outfit got wet because she didn't just walk in the wet grass - she laid down and rolled in it (I don't know, I don't ask any more), so she borrowed some clothes from Marielle.

Tonight Angus went to his friend Anthony's place and it was raining (because that's what it does now) and they played baseball and basketball and his socks got wet and he borrowed a pair from Anthony. We also have a shirt that his friend Jacob left here at the last sleepover.

Angus was getting undressed for his shower and he took the socks off and I said "throw them in the wash and I'll put them with Fletcher's". Angus said "we're becoming weird people who collect other people's clothing. People are going to realize that about us and then our neighbours will start disappearing and then when we go out walking they'll look at us like this" (makes strange face). 

Wow, that was really funny at the time, and now as I type it out it looks kind of dumb (why would our neighbours start disappearing because we have their clothing? Wouldn't they just be looking at us funny because we're wearing their clothes? Am I over-taxing an eleven-year-old's sense of humour? You know what, screw me, it WAS funny.)

Okay then, back to Nicole's beaver post it is.

Speaking of that large semi-aquatic rodent, a few years ago we were out at my husband's grandparents' place, with his aunt and uncle. We were sitting around in the living room and all of a sudden Grandpa turned to Frasier (the uncle) and said: "Did ya find those beaver magazines I left for you in your room?"

I know. I'm a small, small person.

Thoughts upon watching too much tv on a Friday Night

Is there really any doubt that a company called Massive Dynamic is going to be evil and soulless and perform horrible experiments that pervert the human form and fly in the face of nature? 

Is there anyone in this doctor's office who hasn't slept with any available partner of the opposite sex? And given the fact that one member of the staff has died after a car accident shortly after losing his wife in a meth lab explosion, one was attacked and had her baby slashed out of her and one was beaten up in her office, why in hell do people keep applying to work there? And how do they have time to treat any damned patients in between humping each other in closets, sewing each other up and helping each other through their various traumas? 

This was freakin' hilarious. No complaints there. 

I want to shoot the mini-pop kids. 

You know when you're watching a show about doctors and then you fast-forward through the commercials and then there's a commercial that's about doctors and it makes you think the show is back on so you press play and then it's a commercial? I hate that.

Sometimes when I'm watching a show and someone takes a video of someone and then plays it, I think "wow, she looks so much better than I do in video", and then I realize well, yeah, the whole thing is a video so I already knew that.

I should have just read a book.

Funny kids, lazy blog-post

The kids have piano right after school on Mondays. On the drive over today Angus was reciting his speech on space (in French) to me and Eve. He talked about black holes, Neil Armstrong, and the constellations (yep, it's a little disjointed -- I figured his teacher would call him on it, but it appears I was wrong). After he was done, this was our conversation.

Me: That's cool, but I thought you were going to talk about spaghettification.

Angus: Oh yeah. I can still put that in.

Eve: What's that?

Me: It's when a person or object is sucked into a black hole, they get pulled into a long skinny shape. It's called spaghettification.

Angus: also, time stops.

Me: Yeah, but if your watch stops you're probably not concerned about it if you're being spaghettified.

Eve: If you're spaghettified do you die?

Me: Pretty much, yeah.

Eve: Then I'm going to put it on my list of Things That Would be Fun if They Didn't Lead to Death.

Dreams, teeth, and Bert the Tree

Eve's been having nightmares and coming into bed with me at five a.m.-ish the past few nights. Yesterday I couldn't fall back asleep, partly because she was snoring in my ear and partly because something was really bugging me. The fact that I haven't started my Christmas cards yet? Nope. The fact that I have to write an exam on Sunday for which I've barely studied and it will be following two days and nights of partying with some of my high school friends? Uh-uh. That I haven't bought Angus's video game that he wants for Christmas and forgot to double check the name of it before he sealed his letter to Santa? Nah. It was that I couldn't remember what we had for dinner on Saturday night. It was driving me bonkers. I knew we had ribs on Friday and chicken on Sunday, so I was thinking it was probably meatless, but I couldn't see myself making it when I tried to picture it, or putting stuff on plates and handing it to the kids, and we definitely hadn't gone out, and I felt like I was going insane. For two hours. And then I got up.

Eve and Matt have been watching the Lord of the Rings movies together, which has been nice for him because their movie taste doesn't generally overlap a lot. They were watching the second movie and she told him that she had to stop watching because she was afraid she was going to have a nightmare again. He said "why, what did you have a nightmare about last night?" "Dinosaurs." ....... 

Angus did something that totally reminded me of how he was when he was four or five. Last night he was in the basement and he came running upstairs and said "I lost a tooth! I bit some saltwater taffy and it came out!" He grabbed a kleenex and shoved it in his mouth and I said "well where's the tooth?" and he said "Downstairs, in the saltwater taffy!

Eve asks for this song every time I put on Christmas music while we're baking. Has there ever been anything better than Sesame Street on TV? I am happy. (and it was homemade pizza and Matt and Eve made it, which was why I couldn't remember me doing it. Ahhhhh.)

Quote of the Day

My husband: "You cooked. I'll clean up."

(cleaning up noises)

"This used to hold a grasshopper. Can I put food in it?"

Stuff

I very determinedly mooched around for much of today. This was the first day the kids were in school since Matt got back home and I figured I was going to be tired and out of sorts so I decided I wouldn't really try to get too much done before picking the kids up, taking them to piano, getting groceries and making dinner. I have this bad habit of thinking I'm going to have a relaxing day and then letting my stupid Catholic guilt wreck it, which totally defeats the purpose of being lazy. So I mooched. Even though I don't really like the word mooch. Or nibble -- why does anything ever need to be nibbled? Eck, the very sound of it makes my shoulders creep up and my nose all wrinkly. And snippets. I hate snippets of anything. Little pieces? Fine. Wee bits? Grand. No snippets.

 

While we were having supper Angus asked Matt if he'd been everywhere in the world yet. No, I did not put him up to this. Matt said the list of places he hasn't been in still much longer than the list of places he has been. Then we decided to figure out which continents he hasn't visited (Africa, Antarctica and South America, but I've been to Africa so between the two of us we've nearly got them covered). Eve was trying to talk about Asia but kept saying it in French which she and Angus found hilarious. Then Angus asked what the biggest country was and I started singing the song I always sing to help me remember this because I suck at geography and love the Arrogant Worms. So then we played this while we were finishing supper -- hilarious AND educational. 

After supper I had a mini freak-out because I remembered that my assignment is due on Friday and HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING MOOCHING WHEN PUTTING SEARCH STRINGS TOGETHER AND COMBING DATABASES FOR facts on fibromyalgia and new cars and the 1911 census MUST BE DONE? Then I sat down and finished one question and decided it wasn't so bad. Then I ate some candy cane kisses and then became annoyed by all the stupid little wrappers that had to be hidden when I heard my husband coming downstairs. The stupid little snippets are hardly nibble-able.

BUT let us all celebrate the fact that for the first time in weeks I DON'T have a zit of gargantuan proportions camping out on one corner of my chin or the other or both. No? Okay, maybe just me. "I'm the second...largest country..."

Post Card

I mean a placeholder. For a post. A Post Holder. A Post place card.

Fuck it. My daughter doesn't have pneumonia. I'm going to World Trivia Night. I am holding on to the po in Nablopomo with the very ends of my fingernails.

Something funny to tide you over? Okay, sure.


Paraprosdokian sentences: A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.


Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.


Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.


Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.


Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire


Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paycheques.


Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."


Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip


Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.


Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.


Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?


Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Overheard at piano lessons

My kids have piano lessons from five to six on Tuesdays. Eve goes in first, and I sit with Angus in the waiting room, then they switch. At the same time, there's a woman with two tall blonde long-haired daughters -- they're eleven and twelve, but they look older. I always get a kick out of overhearing their exchanges because they mom is sarcastic, sort of like me, and one of the daughters absolutely HATES taking piano lessons. Every time they would come out with the instructor saying 'she can do it, she just doesn't want to practice,' and the girl saying 'because I HATE the piano' and the mom saying 'I really don't mind if you have to beat her'. The mom often overhears Eve talking about how much she loves playing the piano and Eve's teacher talking about how well she practices, and sometimes the mom tries to hold up Eve as a shining example for her daughter. The daughter looks at Eve, amiably enough, and says 'don't do it! Don't let them brainwash you! It's a horrible instrument!' and Eve giggles because a teen-ager is talking to her, who cares what she's saying.

Today Eve was still in her lesson when the girl came out. The instructor said to the Mom 'I don't know what the deal is, but grade five is going WAY better than grade four'. The Mom said 'you know what, there's been some big hormonal shift or something, because suddenly she's practicing, and she's not arguing and...' and the girl piped up 'and I'm nice now!' and the mother nodded happily. Every now and then, they throw you a bone. That's why we don't abandon them on a mountainside for the carrion birds, I guess.

I'm watching bobsledding and I can't think of a good title

Pam and I hit the gym for our regular Wednesday ass-whupping (as in trying to whup them into shape, with variable results). I was still high as a kite on my failed Wonder Pills, so it must have been really fun for Pam. We were walking down the hallway to the change room and someone passed her and she said hi. Then she turned to me and said 'that's Natasha's Mom' and I said 'oh, I know her. I didn't even see her'. Must have been the keeping my eyes straight ahead so I wouldn't weave like a drunken monkey, much like asking Pam to drive in order to reduce the possibility of me killing a family of six on the way over. As we walked into the change room I said 'What's her name? Karen, right?' Pam said "uh, I think it's Kara', and I said, 'no, I'm pretty sure it's Karen. We had..oh wait, wrong Natasha. You don't even know the Natasha I'm talking about.' Pam laughed (she laughs a lot when she's around me. I like to think she's laughing with me as opposed to...actually I try not to think about it too much.)

This conversation reminded me of when I asked my friend Janet when her birthday was. She said June 15th. I looked at her across the study table very strangely and she said 'what? Is that your birthday?' I nodded incredulously, and she said 'Oh, so you're thinking "Look, I didn't ASK you MY birthday, I asked you YOUR birthday. You don't even KNOW when MY birthday is so why are you telling me MY birthday?"' And I wasn't even stoned that time. I don't think.

Later, on the treadmill, Pam was talking about being at book club the night before with this woman who's baking a pie every week. I said, what's her name? She said Lynn. I said Does she live in Kanata? Yep. Does she have three kids? Yep. Any chance she blogs? Yep.

Holy shit! Pam's in a book club with Turtlehead! (This time I had the right person). After nearly falling off the treadmill I explained the connection (whoo hoo, World Trivia Night), nearly redeeming myself for the Natasha incident.

Yo Lynn -- I'm SO crashing your next book club meeting. I probably won't be stoned. Then again, I can probably catch a ride with Pam....

Odds and Ends. Mostly Odds.

I'm tired. I have a headache. I'm irredeemably blogcked (blog blocked -- has someone already made up that word? It seems to me like that word should have been made up a long time ago, but I've been told I don't exactly run on the same operating system as a lot of people that, if you want to be all conventional, you might call 'normal', so I can't be sure. I guess I could google it. What do you think a time-traveller from a hundred years ago would find weirder about today -- that we exercise for fun, or that we talk about 'googling' things several times a day?) It's February 18th. Crap, I was supposed to put clothing donations out for the Canadian Diabetes Association before eight o'clock this morning. I guess if they show up now I'll just grab the nearest pile of junk, shove it in a garbage bag and send them on their merry diabetic way. I will now dispense 18 random thoughts, because clearly today is not the day to try to achieve coherency.

1. From where I'm sitting I can see a three-day-old piece of pizza and a twelve-day-old cupcake. How have I allowed us to live like this?

2. I sort of want a dog. Up until a few months ago I still wanted another baby, and I still kind of do, but I'm clearly too old and broken for another baby, so I've transferred my longing to a puppy. Of course, if I have to teach something where to pee and poop and it's going to wake me up several times a night and I have to walk it twice a day whether i feel like walking or not and I can't go away for the week-end...

3. I want a cactus.

4. I don't really understand why someone who's won a gold medal comes back to the next Olympics and tries to win another gold medal. Geez man, you did it -- you achieved the pinnacle of success in your sport. Why spend another four years trying not to get any worse, so you can come back and either do the exact same thing in which case yippee again, or do worse, in which case, won't you kind of feel like a big dork? Dude -- move on.

5. Would eating a twelve-day-old cupcake kill you?

6. Why do I go to Chapters and think I'll be able to remember all the titles of the books I want to get from the library without writing them down? Is it the same reason I think that eating dessert at every meal including breakfast won't keep me from losing weight?

7. Did you know that there's a journal called Emergency Librarian?

8. Do you think the creators of Law and Order and CSI knew that their major accomplishment would be putting the phrase 'vaginal contribution' into the vernacular?

9. How is it possible that marshmallows are classified as food?

10. My daughter used to call marshmallows 'smushmallows'. When we were at the cottage with my sister and her kids, my niece laughed at this until Eve refused to say 'smushmallow' ever again. When I think about this, I still get slightly pissed at my niece. I try not to think about it.

11. I like polka dots.

12. I have never had so many black bananas and so little desire to make banana bread.

13. When I take a nap I always sleep upside down (with my head at the foot of the bed) so I'll know that it's not morning when I wake up. Otherwise it's too confusing.

14. If I wake up with my head at the foot of the bed and it's morning, this is not a good thing.

15. Plum sauce is mostly pumpkin purée. Why do the marketing gurus think that plum sauce is more appealing than pumpkin sauce? Okay, now that I type that out, never mind.

16. Now I want egg rolls.

17. Perhaps I should move my laptop out of the kitchen.

18. Stay in school. Just say no. Slippery when wet. Some restrictions may apply.

A Vicious Campaign of Abuse and Neglect

Eve had a great birthday party on Saturday (more on that later). On Sunday (her actual birthday) the little girl from next door (who had come to the birthday party an hour early at noon and went home at 9:30 p.m. on Saturday) came over again and they played with birthday presents for hours, rejecting all offers of food and completely ignoring or shooing away all the adults in their general vicinity. Then, around eight o'clock, Eve came into the family room, looked at Matt and said reproachfully, "you know Daddy, I think only three people said happy birthday to me today. And none of them were you."

Angus went to a 'At Home on My Own' course on Saturday (to spare him the shrieky giggly joy of thirteen little girls painting aprons and baking monkey bread). They taught him a lot of logical, fairly obvious things that we probably had already told him, but somehow learning them in a classroom makes them seem more official. He came home with a certificate that Matt says he's pretty sure is 'legal permission to abandon our kid'. Angus's favourite thing was a list of things it said to answer yes or no to, such as "if you have a house key, you should keep it out in the open," "If you lose your house key you should make sure to tell everyone that it's lost", and "you should print your address on your house key in case you forget it". Angus was lunging around yelling "hey everyone, I lost my house key -- if you find it, make sure to go break into my house, the address is right on it!".

When Angus got home, he took one look at the remaining little girls and decided to retreat to my Mom and Dad's house for a sleepover. To give you a sense of how stringent the rules are at my Mom and Dad's house are, once I asked him if he wanted me to pack any toys or games as he was headed over there and he said, "Nah, I'm just gonna watch TV and eat stuff." When Matt went to pick him up, my Mom asked if he ever eats dinner when he comes home from her place. Matt said yes, he eats a full dinner. My Mom said 'well, the way he eats here, you'd think you never feed him', and Angus said 'that's right, they don't!' Matt made a disbelieving face at him, and Angus retorted, 'all you ever feed me is breakfast, lunch and dinner!'

I don't know how we've managed not to have them removed from our care. Such as it is.

Dream a (Weird) Little Dream

I'm currently up to my ass in birthday-party prep, so I'll just share Eve's dream from last night. She's been having a lot of nightmares lately, which often makes her afraid to go to sleep, and also lands her quite often in my bed at four a.m., so the fact that she had a funny dream was welcome news:

"First I dreamed that I was in a world made of Lego, and I was made of Lego too! Then I dreamed that I was back in Madame Waterfall's class and... this is embarrassing and I don't want to say it... but I will because it's so funny...(whispering) we were studying on butts! (pause for long, breathless belly-laugh). And Madame Waterfall said there's never been anyone in the world who had a butt that was bigger than them. And then we went on a field trip -- to China!!! And we saw someone whose butt was bigger than them! And Madame Waterfall said 'I guess I stand corrected'."

Sleep on that, friends.