Saturday, June 22, 2013

Written on the Body

Dear Zits,

When I said I wanted the face of a nineteen-year-old again, this is not exactly what I meant, but I understand your confusion.

Apologetically,

Allison

***

Dear Wrinkles,

Surely you're too old to be hanging with zits. It's unseemly. Get some pride.

Helpfully,

Allison

***

Dear Breasts,

Much has been asked of you, I know. Would it be churlish to remind you that there hasn't been a nine-pound iron-gummed nipper hanging off of either of you for a good eight years now? And to ask you to, correspondingly, PERK THE FUCK UP ALREADY?

Exasperatedly,

Allison

***

Dear Stomach and Hips,

I appreciate your steadfastness, but we don't actually have to be perenially ready for a hard winter on the Russian Steppes. Feel free to stand down.

Consolingly,

Allison

***


Dear Lower Back,

Oh, cry me a river. We've all got it tough. Talk to the boobs if you don't believe me.

Bracingly,

Allison

***


Dear Hemorrhoids,

Didn't get the memo on location, location, location, huh?

Mystifiedly,

Allison

***

Dear Right Knee,

You CAN be replaced.

Menacingly,

Allison

***

Dear Toes,

That colour looks fabulous on you. Keep up the good work.

Fondly,

Allison

12 comments:

Sarah McCormack said...

literally, I think I may have just peed a little bit. so funny, but sadly.. so true :)

moosilaneous said...

I'm with you on all counts - but it's right hip and left ankle.

Sigh.
I am fond of the toenail colour.
We deserve some pretty.

And, with the weather being what it is, I can revel in curls, too, for another month or two.

Thanks

Julie said...

Dear Body,

Go read Allison's blog post.

Lazily,

Julie

Steph Lovelady said...

There was a piece today in the Washington Post about how the thin will not survive the zombie apocalypse. Truly.

Lynn said...

SNORT. TOTES AWESOME.

Hannah said...

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!! I love it.

Kim said...

I'm with Julie. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to immediately write my own but you have done it best. (Also, my boobs do not have the excuse yours do.)

Admirationally,
Kim

Julie Harrison said...

So perfect. With one addition for me:

Dear Body,

There is no logical need to start growing hairs out of my face. NONE. I live in a heated home. Just stop it. Give me back my smooth face.

Still a girl dammit,
Julie

clara said...

OH you made me laugh. Thank you.

PS:
Dear hair,
WTMFFFFFF?

wielding scissors menacingly,
clara

Nicole said...

My boobs are trying to have a love affair with my belly button.

Sasha said...

L.O.L.

Patti said...

Love this. Love you.