I'm Siiiiick

 Actually I'm mostly better now and I feel like my body is kind of looking around going what the hell just happened.

The flu has been tearing through my schools like fire through a paper factory. I got my flu shot (and my Covid shot), I have washed and sanitized the first few layers of skin off my hands, I have tried to maintain a healthy distance, but I kind of knew I was a dead woman walking. We had weekend plans because it's December, and we could have cancelled it all but everyone was working under informed consent and still wanted to do everything.

Friday night we went to the Christmas outdoor market with Matt's colleagues, two of whom were from California and wanted to try a beaver tail and... be cold, I guess? I love the Christmas market and really like these women. We picked up Maryam to drive down, and on the way we were trading funny stories about my husband, who suddenly realized that connecting the woman who knew all of his embarrassing stories from the office with the woman who knew all of his embarrassing stories from whom was perhaps a regrettable choice. Then we realized that Camille knew many of his embarrassing stories from travel, which closed some kind of magical miserable loop for him and was very enjoyable for all of us.

Saturday was my second annual Festive Special date with Holly, Kerry and Nat. Our group chat keeps me from committing violence on myself or others several times a week. 

Saturday night we had no plans, so we asked our friends who we will be seeing this Saturday for the big Christmas party if they wanted to come over for a ... small Christmas party? We had decorations up and the main floor was clean for fifteen minutes and it seemed like we should do something festive. Matt bought some cheese and crackers, I bought twelve bags of chips, Margot and Michael brought Lynzie for Lucy to play with, it was a really fun, chill night. 

(Adorable picture of Lucy and Lynzie that Blogger will not allow me to show to you because it is dumb and hates joy)

Sunday I woke up and I was sick. And worried I'd infected everyone else. But everyone else who was sick was sick right then or the next day, or is still not sick, so I am not Patient Zero. I thought it was just a cold because I didn't feel horrible, and usually the flu takes me down hard overnight. By bedtime I had a fever and my throat felt flayed and my ribs were so sore that coughing was agony. The last time I had the flu Matt and Eve had to fly to Florida without me for March Break and I almost died, so then I was kind of scared. But I slept for most of Sunday and Monday and by Tuesday felt like I was turning the corner. Last night was a kind of stoned-on-cold-meds fever dream that I spent half asleep and half awake and middle-of-the-night texting my niece who is in England and Suzanne who is in perimenopause.

My niece is brilliant and hilarious and we have a lot of similar mental health issues, so our text chain is robust and far-ranging. One of the best episodes in our history was when I met her first girlfriend and tried to say 'hey' but choked a tiny little bit and so it sounded the slightest bit like 'gHEY', which had us all doubled over howling with laughter. Her new girlfriend is bi, so under the influence of opioid cough syrup I texted "hey, remember when I met your first gf and said gay? I was thinking what if I meet this one and it all goes great and then at the end I say 'bye' and you scream "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU". 

Today I ventured back into the world (masked again) and am only sort of experiencing that terrible alienated-from-the-world feeling that comes from trying to get back in the swing after being out of the swing. I haven't baked anything or wrapped anything yet, but there are actually some days left before Christmas (time has truly lost all meaning). My husband who supplied me with icy drinks and popsicles to soothe my burning throat seems unscathed by illness so far (I made sure he got his shots before he traveled for three weeks out of the last four, and often his immune system is what we call "China Strong", so fingers crossed). The kids are both vaccinated and okay - it feels counter-intuitive to be bringing them towards, rather than away from, my flu-ridden city. We just have to make sure my parents stay protected. 

Love and bleach, friends. If you can't stay sane, stay healthy. 

HA ha ha ha ha. No.

 Contrary to what dear Steph understood, I did NOT catch the 'eat peroxide' text before I sent it, just soon enough afterwards that it didn't sit there radiating poisonous (ha) energy. 

As for Engie and thinking about times when that would NOT be an autocorrect, my friend Holly (HOLLY) of the Slutty Mrs. Claus fame (in addition to just wearing the costume, when she came out of the dark loge at the end of the night she realized that one side of the top had ripped open and her bra was fully displayed. COME AND GET HER, BIG RED) said that her husband had dumped the cleaning brushes in the sink and poured tomato sauce on them, and then she sent us this from Google:

Husbands, be on guard. We might have to erase our chat history. Possibly related, shortly afterwards she sent us this, lamenting that it wouldn't get here in time for our lunch date on Saturday. 

Tiny. Jockey-shaped. Keychain. 

It was very cold and blowy, but all of us ventured out for various reasons, after much group encouragement, which is only one reason why this chat is such an enormous gift, even when we're talking about penis-shaped stuff. 

Tuesday night I went to a really fun dinner with a bunch of my husband's sales people, a couple of whom I have met. Even the people I had never met were very friendly and easy to talk to. I had to text Suzanne for a pep talk beforehand because this kind of thing makes me so anxious, but once I got there it was pure enjoyment, which is a really nice thing.

Wednesday was also cold and it snowed/sleeted all day. I had to clean my car off after morning school AND afternoon school, and it was sticky snow that was almost impossible to get off. The roads were also quite bad, and I was determined to get to the library to drop off books and pick up holds, but it really wasn't the best decision. Fortunately neither the school nor the library are very far from home, so I got there with only a few minutes of slow, harrowing, slippery driving.

Today I was doing a few errands before Matt needed the car for a work lunch. You know that moment where it suddenly seems like everyone has lost their minds in the Christmas run-up? Today seemed to be that moment here. People were running stop signs, blocking grocery aisles, giant trucks were pausing in the exit lane, then maybe turning, then pausing again. The checkout person at Farm Boy seemed determined to do everything in as slow and awkward a fashion as humanly possible. I was packing my own groceries, and he kept putting things down right beside him, which was more than an arm's length away from where I was bagging, which....? Maybe he was new, I thought. Maybe people have a lot going on (most of them do) and that is why they are driving dumbly. So I managed to only complain in my mind, and also only curse at people driving in my own car without using the horn, and that was the best I could do. I also mentally wished them all happy holidays (and maybe a driving lesson or two).

All to say, I am trying to lean into the Christmas wackiness and maintain a sweet-natured equanimity (WHAT? It's theoretically possible!) and I am so grateful for everyone online and in real life helping me not to go medieval on someone's obnoxious-Ford-F1 ass. 

(Also another really fun penis post is here. It was a game the whole family could play! You know, if you find your day lacking in Penis Talk). 

30 Days Has November

 Usually I try to end NaBloPoMo with something a little more auspicious, but I was at a cottage weekend and then went to see Wicked with a friend after getting little to no sleep last night, so I'm going to phone it in, and visit everyone and wrap up tomorrow. Had a fabulous time with the same girls I've been cottaging with every November for, um, wow, a lot of years. Here's a more detailed post with better photos from three years ago. It was a very women-of-a-certain-age gathering - we talked about who was divorced and having great sex with someone they met on Tinder and then we compared pill organizers. You know you're at that age when you wake up and the Amazon cart you can't remember if you pulled the trigger on contains joint health supplements and shampoo for thinning hair. I can't think of many people I would rather get old and cranky (-ier) with.

Thank-you to San for corralling us all this month, it was so much fun hanging with my regular blog people and meeting some new ones. It's December in two and a half hours and I'm hardly paralyzed with fear at all. 

Pillow Fighting in our Underwear

​At least that's what our husbands think we're doing. 

Pics of the Week

 My friend Holly used to be just My Friend Kerry's friend Holly, who I heard about many times and always thought wistfully that it would be amazing to actually meet her. Then I DID actually meet her and now she is MY FRIEND HOLLY and she's amazing beyond description. She has three sons and a demanding job and plays soccer multiple times a week and buys carloads of carrots and tampons for charity and takes care of her sick friends' aging parents (seriously, on multiple different occasions) and in addition to all this once drove across town to give me an Advent calendar when she found out I didn't have one (this is in my forties, to be clear). She also has the highest, sweetest voice and yet curses like a sailor, and when we were throwing axes the head axe-throwing teacher lady said "I really enjoy when you swear". 

So not only did she invite a bunch of us to sit in her loge at the National Arts Centre for Un-Silent Night: an Epic Holiday Singalong, but...

She also came dressed as Slutty Mrs. Claus

Today I ran a buying day for the Scholastic Book Fair at my morning school and a viewing day at my afternoon school. My niece Charlotte was texting me from the UK, and wishes me luck on the book fair and then offered sympathy when I was venting after a particularly challenging class had come rampaging through. She sent me this for if any more classes gave me grief.

I have the best friends AND relatives.