Let It Go, Let It Go

A few years ago I developed the really very simple and not catchy at all Christmas motto of "do what you can and let the rest go". I spout it off airily sounding all zen and wise. I'm sure it surprises no one that I suck mightily at putting it into practice.

What I could and did do: Get most of the Christmas decorations up at a reasonable time: Get all my Christmas shopping done and sorted and organized in the downstairs closet weeks ago: Bake fifteen batches of ten different kinds of cookies/squares/bark and delivered some to a few people I know and one I don't know: Write out forty-two Christmas cards, most of which were mailed in time to (probably) be delivered before Christmas: attend one absolute banger of a Christmas party.

What I'm trying to let go of: delivering cookies to more people - there were some people I really really wanted to get cookies to, and I ran out of both time and cookies. I will probably do it after Christmas, but it's not quite the same: finishing and mailing the rest of my Christmas cards - again, will finish them after Christmas, again, slightly disappointed in myself: getting the Christmas tree decorated so we could put all the decoration boxes away and have a tidy, decorated house - this isn't really my fault (as if 'fault' is even the issue) because Eve didn't get home until Tuesday night and I didn't want to do it without her: getting all the presents wrapped and getting the wrapping stuff put away. 

Also, my sister and her family have had to call off coming for Christmas for the fourth year running, after coming almost every year. The year before Covid their work schedules didn't allow it. Then there was Covid. Then we thought they'd be able to come until Omicron fucked everything up a week before Christmas. Now the fucking storm of the century or whatever. It's not as devastating this year because they were here at Thanksgiving, but Angus wasn't, and I want the Christmas morning cousin pileup, and everybody opening up their hilarious gifts together, and it fucking sucks. But I've already mourned it and moved on, because there's really nothing else to do, and my kids both got home ahead of the weather, and my parents won't be alone, and many people have it much worse, and we will just deal with it.

I've been realizing that one thing that has been sort of subconsciously bothering me is that I have been influenced by tv and movies to think that I should be baking and wrapping and decorating in an already-decorated, professionally arranged and cleaned, perfectly spare and tidy house. Except it's hard to bake without any baking stuff out, and it's hard to wrap without wrapping paper and tape and shit all over the table, and it's hard to decorate without boxes stacked all over the place, so this is kind of an unreasonable expectation on my part (unlike with other stuff on tv, like relationships and jobs and sex and montages set to music). 

And now, so I won't be all downer-ish right before Christmas, the story of our day yesterday. My sister called first thing in the morning to break the bad news. We talked and bitched and moaned and laughed, and my niece shouted that they were definitely coming for a long weekend during reading week for Eve and my niece and nephew. I hung up and went and told Eve, and since it was a beautiful day with snowy trees (as if the weather was mocking us extra hard) I asked if she wanted to go for a walk, even though I really didn't want to. She said "...yes", meaning she really didn't want to either. We decided to drive to the river trail because it's extra pretty in the winter. I called down and asked Angus if he wanted to come, without the expectation that he would say yes, but he did. So that was nice.

We got to the trail and there was a sign saying Trail Out Ahead. We ignored it and walked for a while. Then we go to the bridge where we usually stand watch the ducks, and whoops, no bridge. The Trail Out sign made more sense now. We did a bit of a loop back, which was not bad, but we thought we'd drive around to the parking lot at the other end of the trail and try again.

We got to the other parking lot, and there was no trail to the trail (sorry, I'm too tired to explain). So we let Lucy off leash to run around in the empty park space for a bit. But the snow was pretty deep, so she chased Angus for a bit but then was not terribly impressed.

We had gotten out of the house and played in the snow so we decided we were good to stop at Starbucks and head home.

We went to the drive-thru speaker and I said can we please have three hot chocolates, one regular with sugar cookie syrup and two white. I thought the price sounded a little steep, but I don't go to Starbucks often and I thought maybe Christmas drinks were more, so whatever. We got to the window and the girl said something I didn't quite catch, except I got 'where are you going' so I said home after a walk. She said "big family?" and we all looked at each other and blinked and said 'um, no?' She closed the window to get our drinks and I said "did she just ask where we're going with all these hot chocolates? Three isn't that many........ I did order three, right?" We thought back to how I had phrased the order and how she answered me and Eve said "...I think you might have ordered five". For some reason we found this utterly hilarious, and by the time she handed us our five hot chocolates we were wheezing. On the way home I kept trying to say why I had thought it was a good idea to say the order the way I did, and berating myself for being confusing, while the kids comforted me and Angus called it "a crisis of Canadian proportions". He also said it was much more aesthetically pleasing than having three hot chocolates and an empty slot in the tray.

Eve texted her BFF Marianna (HI MARIANNA), who was just home from drama school in BC, on the way home and asked if she wanted a surplus hot chocolate. We dropped off Matt and the dog and went over to Marianna's (her mom got home soon enough to drink the fifth hot chocolate before it got cold), and eventually this happened.

In sum, the day went happily and hilariously off the rails in the very best way. 

And now the freezing rain is ticking at the windows, and I can't go to bed until Angus gets home from Avatar (the movie theatre is only about a three-minute drive away and he promised to drive carefully). And Matt said we're not going to lose power (when I was running around tracking down all our battery packs and telling people to charge their devices), so either he'll be right and we'll have power, which is good, or he'll be wrong and I'll get to say I told you so, which is not without its own particular charms. 

The Absolute Opposite of Surly Thursday Oops It's Friday, I Will Explain

 It was Thursday. I was working at Broadview. I was determined not to be a giant frowny shushing bitchy librarian. I had gone to physio on Tuesday and was already feeling some improvement in my back, and I didn't have a migraine, and I was ahead of the impending snowstorm, so odds were in my favour. I had planned to go in a little early because I had a doctor's appointment after in the other direction, but the doc's office called me in the morning and said the doctor wasn't feeling well and asked if I would consider a phone appointment, which was actually more than fine with me.

First class was great, as always. My pick for storytime wasn't the best ever (my god, the pressure - I really should get ahead of it, but I never do) but the kids in that class are kind and forgiving. Some of them are leaving for Christmas vacation early and told me where they were going. 

Second class was the huge rowdy grade sixes, but they've calmed down considerably in the past few weeks, and a couple of them asked for books that I was actually able to find, which is always a mood booster. 

The other classes blend together a bit, honestly, but it was all good - kids are spinning out a little approaching the Christmas holidays but it was in a fun way rather than an annoying one. Quite a few kids came into the library during first break to read and work on projects, but they were all quiet and actually did read and do work, which is kind of what the library should be for, and it bugs me that it's hard to remember this sometimes. I am good with books. I am sometimes not the best with people.

A group of girls came in to try to print stuff on the printer behind my desk. When I first started at the school this printer made me nervous because of one hideous substitute librarian experience when obnoxious kids were running behind me non-stop to the printer and demanding that I fix their printing problems. It hasn't been that big a deal - there's more space here, and usually teachers just come in and grab stuff and I keep doing whatever I'm doing. These girls did NOT know what they were doing, and I didn't know how to help, and they were being perfectly normal loud giggly teenaged girls, and usually I'm fine with that, some of my favourite people are, or were very recently, loud giggly teenaged girls. I'm not sure what my issue was with these ones, except that I am maybe also spinning out a little approaching the Christmas holidays. Anyway, I breathed through it, they left eventually.

At second break, I stood up to get a bit of shelving done before the onslaught of the chess club, which I was determined to handle with better grace than last week (I complained about it here). The main problem is I kept trying to get shelving done when it was impossible to get around the walls of children, so this week I figured I would just shelve until it wasn't possible to access the shelves any more and then find something else to do. A couple of kids came in, but not as many as usual, which was a little confusing. Then the teacher who leads the chess club came in and said --------- wait for it, I'm afraid to believe it's actually read -- they MOVED CHESS CLUB. TO THE GYM. 

*breathless elation*

*confetti and fireworks*

*angel choirs*

(He said they did it in the gym last week when the library was off limits because of immunizations and there was so much space there they decided to keep doing it. Which sort of begs the question, why the library in the first place? But never mind).

I hardly knew what to do with the unexpected peace and tranquility and space. Or all the forbearance I had planned to exhibit. I wandered around shelving books in a bit of a daze. 

I wanted to stop by Michaels and Indigo on my way home to grab some frames and a couple of gifts/ stocking stuffers. The doctor phone call was going to make the timing a little awkward, except she called me about a half hour early, right when I had no class, so I spent ten minutes on the phone with her and then was free to finish my shift and go shopping. How often does medical appointment timing work out that beautifully? 

I would have come home and posted about all of this right away EXCEPT - Angus was planning to drive home on Friday or Saturday because his last exam was on Thursday, but then there was this stupid snowstorm coming, so he thought he might have to wait until Sunday, but then he arranged to write his exam early on Thursday and drove home right after so he just showed up!

And then it snowed a shit ton.

NaBloPoMo Topics Reprise

 I was reassured to notice that, after I did a reorg of the Christmas decorations last year, this year it was actually easier to find what I needed and get it all out. This gives me hope that what I'm doing now will yield similarly positive results. However, my brilliant plan to put all the Christmas presents in the downstairs storage closet doesn't seem to have worked since I already can't find the book I bought for Matt's mom's husband/widower. 

Speaking of books and my disaster of a memory, after my Covid booster a couple of days ago I went to the bookstore to wander around and pick up some book presents. I got to the cash and the woman at the counter was bitchy to me, which made me remember that this same person has been bitchy to me every time I've encountered her, and I was mad at myself for not saying anything, but that's not really part of the story (I'm glad now that I didn't say anything because someone posted something about being nice to people even when they're rude to you and it resonated). I got home and there was a package from Indigo, and I opened it and found the very book that I had just bought for Eve at the store. 

Fuck.

I put the book on the table with the receipt in it, preparatory to stopping at the other branch of the store on the way home from work today (because it's more on the way AND because, even if I don't want to be rude back to her, I'm not going to go out of my way to expose myself to the same person's bitchiness any more than necessary). Then I checked my list of Christmas present ideas and discovered that I had bought the copy of the book that was in the package for my nephew.

At least I figured it out before returning the book? 

Speaking of Eve and me losing things (like my mind), she picked up my credit card from the gas station where I left it (refer back to my "I Am A Giant Loser" post) I sent her an envelope with a stamped, self-addressed envelope inside it so she could send it back easily - because she's busy! and I didn't want to make more work for her with midterms approaching! Not because I didn't think she could handle the simple task of obtaining an envelope and a stamp! And she was perfectly fine with it, but she still told her roommates so they could mock both of us a bit, before they went on a housemate group date to the post office to mail it. Then we called each other Mommy Envelope and Baby Envelope for a bit. 

And now it is the time of year when I get home from work and switch on a dozen things that light up or glow, and before I go to bed I switch them all off, and I am very okay with that. 

It is also the time of year when my feet or my back or both usually start to be complete and total assholes, and I grit my teeth and gut it out, baking and decorating and limping, collapse after Christmas and finally address the problem in January (or February). Today while I was shelving, in addition to the usual lower back pain and higher neck pain, I started getting fiery hot nerve pain by my spine between my shoulder blades. This prompted me to entertain the possibility of NOT being a tremendous dumbass for a change, and I went back to my desk and booked a physio appointment for next week. Growth is possible! Change can happen! Wellbutrin might be a miracle drug! 

Day 30+1: Posting Just Because I Want To

 I almost always post the day after NaBloPoMo just to prove that it didn't almost do me in (although it did, it really did, it always does). 

I've been feeling a bit panicky about going to Hamilton this weekend instead of doing more house stuff, which I realized is making me feel a bit like I've become addicted to decluttering - sneaking away every spare moment to do it, not being able to stop even when I'm in pain, feeling resentful about anything that takes me away from it - which might be an indication that I should go somewhere else for a couple of days.

Speaking of losing my marbles, I've started this new thing to help me remember things for more than ten seconds. If I'm washing my face or something and I remember an item that has to go on the grocery list, I say it out loud a few times. Then when I get to the kitchen, sometimes it will actually come back to me that I had to put something on the list, and then the memory of saying it out loud reminds me of what it was. I use the same thing to remember if I have to move something or bring something to the basement with me, like garbage bags or my ipad.

This is all fine, except it makes me sound totally unhinged. I was changing the bed and trying to remember that I wanted to bring down the mint-scented cleaner to swab out the Rubbermaid tubs before putting some baby clothes back in. I kept saying "spray. spraaay. ssssspray" until Lucy visibly startled and ran out of the room. Then I found myself brushing my teeth and repeating "Borax. Mouthwash. Borax. Mouthwash" like some kind of sleeper agent that was being activated and about to go assassinate a head of state somewhere. 

Whatever. Desperate times, right? If I don't keep saying "Anastasia Light-up Snowflakes" in the shower, Anastasia isn't going to get her light-up snowflakes is she, and nobody wants that. 

I was trying not to do a surly Thursday, particularly right after I went on about how grateful I am for my overflowingly-abundant-in-goodness life yesterday. I was, in fact, a little surly today though. I wore a top I hadn't worn before today, and I was half an hour into work before I realized that it was the wrong choice. This library is always too warm for one thing, and the sleeves were longish. I keep thinking that now that it's properly cold out the library will cool down, but it hasn't, even with open windows. The neckline was also a little low for elementary school work - not anything anyone would notice except me, but I just felt a bit wrong all day, if you know what I mean.

I also had a headache and was, to put it bluntly, just not down for a lot of these kids' crap. I held it together until recess, which means the library is thronged with chess club, which in theory is just a really great thing, and in practice makes me want to commit acts of violence unbecoming of a children's librarian. If my break took up all of recess that would be fine, I could go to the staff room to eat and leave the little barbarians to it. But I have to work for the last half hour of it, and basically, I can't. My work is eighty percent shelving books, and there are kids everywhere, preventing me from getting to the shelves. They are also loud, and throw things around, and at the end of my shift when I'm tired and hot and just want to be done, it is extremely difficult to keep my cool. At least when I'm wearing a mask I can mouth expletives that no one can see. I've been trying to problem-solve how I can work around this - come in a little earlier, try to do different work while they're in - nothing is really a good solution. I might actually just have to live with it. Which I can do, maybe a little more graciously than today.

I think I'm feeling a little apprehensive about the Christmas season, and not really having any faith that I'm going to do things differently, even though I always say I am. So a change of scenery for the week-end is probably a good thing on a couple of fronts. Fit in a couple of silent nights before the Merry Mayhem begins.