Day 30+1: Posting Just Because I Want To

 I almost always post the day after NaBloPoMo just to prove that it didn't almost do me in (although it did, it really did, it always does). 

I've been feeling a bit panicky about going to Hamilton this weekend instead of doing more house stuff, which I realized is making me feel a bit like I've become addicted to decluttering - sneaking away every spare moment to do it, not being able to stop even when I'm in pain, feeling resentful about anything that takes me away from it - which might be an indication that I should go somewhere else for a couple of days.

Speaking of losing my marbles, I've started this new thing to help me remember things for more than ten seconds. If I'm washing my face or something and I remember an item that has to go on the grocery list, I say it out loud a few times. Then when I get to the kitchen, sometimes it will actually come back to me that I had to put something on the list, and then the memory of saying it out loud reminds me of what it was. I use the same thing to remember if I have to move something or bring something to the basement with me, like garbage bags or my ipad.

This is all fine, except it makes me sound totally unhinged. I was changing the bed and trying to remember that I wanted to bring down the mint-scented cleaner to swab out the Rubbermaid tubs before putting some baby clothes back in. I kept saying "spray. spraaay. ssssspray" until Lucy visibly startled and ran out of the room. Then I found myself brushing my teeth and repeating "Borax. Mouthwash. Borax. Mouthwash" like some kind of sleeper agent that was being activated and about to go assassinate a head of state somewhere. 

Whatever. Desperate times, right? If I don't keep saying "Anastasia Light-up Snowflakes" in the shower, Anastasia isn't going to get her light-up snowflakes is she, and nobody wants that. 

I was trying not to do a surly Thursday, particularly right after I went on about how grateful I am for my overflowingly-abundant-in-goodness life yesterday. I was, in fact, a little surly today though. I wore a top I hadn't worn before today, and I was half an hour into work before I realized that it was the wrong choice. This library is always too warm for one thing, and the sleeves were longish. I keep thinking that now that it's properly cold out the library will cool down, but it hasn't, even with open windows. The neckline was also a little low for elementary school work - not anything anyone would notice except me, but I just felt a bit wrong all day, if you know what I mean.

I also had a headache and was, to put it bluntly, just not down for a lot of these kids' crap. I held it together until recess, which means the library is thronged with chess club, which in theory is just a really great thing, and in practice makes me want to commit acts of violence unbecoming of a children's librarian. If my break took up all of recess that would be fine, I could go to the staff room to eat and leave the little barbarians to it. But I have to work for the last half hour of it, and basically, I can't. My work is eighty percent shelving books, and there are kids everywhere, preventing me from getting to the shelves. They are also loud, and throw things around, and at the end of my shift when I'm tired and hot and just want to be done, it is extremely difficult to keep my cool. At least when I'm wearing a mask I can mouth expletives that no one can see. I've been trying to problem-solve how I can work around this - come in a little earlier, try to do different work while they're in - nothing is really a good solution. I might actually just have to live with it. Which I can do, maybe a little more graciously than today.

I think I'm feeling a little apprehensive about the Christmas season, and not really having any faith that I'm going to do things differently, even though I always say I am. So a change of scenery for the week-end is probably a good thing on a couple of fronts. Fit in a couple of silent nights before the Merry Mayhem begins.