Written on the Body

Dear Zits,

When I said I wanted the face of a nineteen-year-old again, this is not exactly what I meant, but I understand your confusion.

Apologetically,

Allison

***

Dear Wrinkles,

Surely you're too old to be hanging with zits. It's unseemly. Get some pride.

Helpfully,

Allison

***

Dear Breasts,

Much has been asked of you, I know. Would it be churlish to remind you that there hasn't been a nine-pound iron-gummed nipper hanging off of either of you for a good eight years now? And to ask you to, correspondingly, PERK THE FUCK UP ALREADY?

Exasperatedly,

Allison

***

Dear Stomach and Hips,

I appreciate your steadfastness, but we don't actually have to be perenially ready for a hard winter on the Russian Steppes. Feel free to stand down.

Consolingly,

Allison

***


Dear Lower Back,

Oh, cry me a river. We've all got it tough. Talk to the boobs if you don't believe me.

Bracingly,

Allison

***


Dear Hemorrhoids,

Didn't get the memo on location, location, location, huh?

Mystifiedly,

Allison

***

Dear Right Knee,

You CAN be replaced.

Menacingly,

Allison

***

Dear Toes,

That colour looks fabulous on you. Keep up the good work.

Fondly,

Allison

Comments

Sarah McCormack said…
literally, I think I may have just peed a little bit. so funny, but sadly.. so true :)
June 22, 2013 at 5:36 PM
moosilaneous said…
I'm with you on all counts - but it's right hip and left ankle.

Sigh.
I am fond of the toenail colour.
We deserve some pretty.

And, with the weather being what it is, I can revel in curls, too, for another month or two.

Thanks
June 22, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Julie said…
Dear Body,

Go read Allison's blog post.

Lazily,

Julie
June 22, 2013 at 7:23 PM
StephLove said…
There was a piece today in the Washington Post about how the thin will not survive the zombie apocalypse. Truly.
June 23, 2013 at 6:16 AM
Lynn said…
SNORT. TOTES AWESOME.
June 23, 2013 at 9:26 AM
Hannah said…
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!! I love it.
June 23, 2013 at 1:13 PM
Kim said…
I'm with Julie. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to immediately write my own but you have done it best. (Also, my boobs do not have the excuse yours do.)

Admirationally,
Kim
June 23, 2013 at 6:30 PM
Julie Harrison said…
So perfect. With one addition for me:

Dear Body,

There is no logical need to start growing hairs out of my face. NONE. I live in a heated home. Just stop it. Give me back my smooth face.

Still a girl dammit,
Julie
June 23, 2013 at 7:20 PM
clara said…
OH you made me laugh. Thank you.

PS:
Dear hair,
WTMFFFFFF?

wielding scissors menacingly,
clara
June 23, 2013 at 9:00 PM
Nicole said…
My boobs are trying to have a love affair with my belly button.
June 24, 2013 at 8:14 AM
Patti said…
Love this. Love you.
June 26, 2013 at 8:11 AM
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