Contrary to what dear Steph understood, I did NOT catch the 'eat peroxide' text before I sent it, just soon enough afterwards that it didn't sit there radiating poisonous (ha) energy.
As for Engie and thinking about times when that would NOT be an autocorrect, my friend Holly (HOLLY) of the Slutty Mrs. Claus fame (in addition to just wearing the costume, when she came out of the dark loge at the end of the night she realized that one side of the top had ripped open and her bra was fully displayed. COME AND GET HER, BIG RED) said that her husband had dumped the cleaning brushes in the sink and poured tomato sauce on them, and then she sent us this from Google:
Husbands, be on guard. We might have to erase our chat history. Possibly related, shortly afterwards she sent us this, lamenting that it wouldn't get here in time for our lunch date on Saturday.
Tiny. Jockey-shaped. Keychain.
It was very cold and blowy, but all of us ventured out for various reasons, after much group encouragement, which is only one reason why this chat is such an enormous gift, even when we're talking about penis-shaped stuff.
Tuesday night I went to a really fun dinner with a bunch of my husband's sales people, a couple of whom I have met. Even the people I had never met were very friendly and easy to talk to. I had to text Suzanne for a pep talk beforehand because this kind of thing makes me so anxious, but once I got there it was pure enjoyment, which is a really nice thing.
Wednesday was also cold and it snowed/sleeted all day. I had to clean my car off after morning school AND afternoon school, and it was sticky snow that was almost impossible to get off. The roads were also quite bad, and I was determined to get to the library to drop off books and pick up holds, but it really wasn't the best decision. Fortunately neither the school nor the library are very far from home, so I got there with only a few minutes of slow, harrowing, slippery driving.
Today I was doing a few errands before Matt needed the car for a work lunch. You know that moment where it suddenly seems like everyone has lost their minds in the Christmas run-up? Today seemed to be that moment here. People were running stop signs, blocking grocery aisles, giant trucks were pausing in the exit lane, then maybe turning, then pausing again. The checkout person at Farm Boy seemed determined to do everything in as slow and awkward a fashion as humanly possible. I was packing my own groceries, and he kept putting things down right beside him, which was more than an arm's length away from where I was bagging, which....? Maybe he was new, I thought. Maybe people have a lot going on (most of them do) and that is why they are driving dumbly. So I managed to only complain in my mind, and also only curse at people driving in my own car without using the horn, and that was the best I could do. I also mentally wished them all happy holidays (and maybe a driving lesson or two).
All to say, I am trying to lean into the Christmas wackiness and maintain a sweet-natured equanimity (WHAT? It's theoretically possible!) and I am so grateful for everyone online and in real life helping me not to go medical on someone's obnoxious-Ford-F1 ass.
(Also another really fun penis post is here. It was a game the whole family could play! You know, if you find your day lacking in Penis Talk).
11 comments:
I was at Superstore (this is how I should preface every story, except sometimes sub in Costco for Superstore) and the elderly woman in front of me had not pulled her cart to the end, but was instead very slowly and methodically putting every item into her little bags. In the cart that was blocking the aisle. She had very few groceries so I was like, what the hell, I'm not going to say anything. Meanwhile, my groceries are on the other conveyer belt and they are piling up like I Love Lucy. Milk in bag. Tuck in oranges beside it. Slowly figure out...nope, need a new bag for the loaf of bread. Then she started chatting with me. Just like...without moving. Or realizing that maybe I could get by. And now it feels weird to say anything. Again, meanwhile, my groceries are all piled up. Finally she moves all slowly, talking to me the whole time and I was trying to be so patient because she was like 90 and all dressed up for her Superstore outing and that is 100% going to be me one day. And then she sees all my groceries and asks if this is all my groceries for a month. I say no, a week, and she is ASTONISHED. By this time I've made it around her to pack my groceries but another lineup has started. Then she said "I hope your husband makes a lot of money to pay for all that!"
Thank you for sharing that chat with all of us, as it is an ENORMOUS gift for all.
As a reference to an earlier post of yours, I must confide that today in a department store I saw Big Balls and thought immediately of you. I hope that's okay.
Sometimes we need SUCH patience and I applaud you for being able to summon it. After a certain age, my aunt could not carry on a conversation and also walk at the same time. We would be late for a dinner appointment in the main dining hall at the retirement center, walking agonizingly slowly on the path to the main building. If I tried light conversation, she would stop walking to say her reply. The whole time I took mental notes saying exactly what you said - this is going to be me someday so, easy does it.
Hard to think of a better compliment, honestly.
Oh, no, I understood. I just meant you caught it in time to issue an immediate correction.
Ha ha... you can eat peroxide. I'm a little behind in my blog reading but glad I didn't miss that post. Or this one! We all need a chuckle these days.
Yes... people are um, interesting and we all need lots of patience and goodwill if we're going to venture out of our houses!
Sometimes I wonder how some people managed to get their driver's license, but then I remember that anyone can fake something for at least 15 minutes.
I would like to take this moment to say, "Thank you, but no thank you, Canada/Canadians, for all of this snowy, icy cold weather you have been sending us. Really, no need. Please, keep it for yourselves! You have been generous overmuch. Again, thank you, but we are all set."
Apologies! We are just too giving sometimes.
Ain't that the truth! 'Eat peroxide' wasn't normally in my arsenal of invective, but it does have a good ring to it.
Oh, gotcha, sorry!
HI ALLISON!!
I am dying at the tiny penis chat. And also have many questions about the penis bottle opener; I believe it requires its own post???
People. In the snow, especially. I am taking deep breaths just thinking about them. (During our first big snowfall we were driving home and following someone with plates from a less snowy state. They were going so very slowly, like way more slowly than necessary, and finally pulled off the road to let us pass... and then got back on the road immediately, in front of the person behind us. I am quite surprised they didn't collide!)
(This is Suzanne.)
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