I Think I've Sprained my Mind

I'm kind of a mess. I don't really know why. Well, because I'm neurotic and obsessive and delusional and incapable of appreciating what is by all accounts a very nice life, that's the short answer.

Eve and I just played a duet on the piano. We've been away a lot and piano practice has fallen by the wayside so we've been picking it up the last few days. Today she brushed up one of her old songs and then I learned the instructor's accompaniment and we played a duet. It was lovely.

That's...what? Like, probably six minutes of quality time.

Other than that I've been useless to my children today. No -- worse than useless. Angus asked me to rent The Tooth Fairy on itunes and (sob) I did. I didn't even argue. I didn't even point out that it got a 17% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and that clearly there is something so monstrously wrong about trying to convey the obvious truth that children should be allowed to have dreams and believe in themselves by putting The Rock in a pair of sparkly wings and having him spout some cheesy dialogue.... I just don't have the energy. And what the hell is up with that. It's summer! No school! No housework! (what? You do housework in the summer?) We're up to our ass in fresh organic fruits and vegetables from the farm lady down the road. Why am I not leaping from my bed in the morning bright-eyed and singing about buttercups and shit? Well, partly because we took the kids to the beach yesterday and it was blissful, they built sandcastles together and Angus decided to be amused rather than annoyed by Eve's exuberance, and we played ball in the water which was hilarious because the wind was so strong and the ball was so light that every time someone missed it it would immediately sail jauntily away at an alarming clip and we would have to swim a marathon to get it back -- and so today I can't so much lift my arms above waist level or move my head from side to side (and I tend to nod when people are talking -- NOT GOOD). And then, Angus's baseball team is in the District play-offs and after being undefeated for the last ten games LOST the crucial first game and if they lose again they won't be going to Provincials, which I've assured Angus is TOTALLY FINE, they've played really well and all they have to do is do their best -- and now I can't even sit and watch them play because I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up and when Angus comes up to bat I have to get up and walk away because I feel like I'm going to faint. And if they lose, I'm going to be devastated. Because they won't be going to Provincials -- in Timmins, for crying out loud. Who has ever cried over not getting to go to Timmins?

And then I went grocery shopping today. Which is a little fraught, because even though I said it was okay for Angus to play for and Matt to coach the competitive team, even knowing it would be a ludicrous amount of practice time, the fact that we've had supper as a family maybe three times this entire summer does sort of bother me. And by bother me, I mean surgically remove my desire to cook. I don't mean we're eating a lot of fast food. I do mean sometimes we ONLY have corn on the cob for supper. Or cheese. And eggs are really not just for breakfast any more. And we had no food left in the house so I went shopping. And I went to Loblaws instead of Farm Boy because we needed a few (ahem) items that Farm Boy doesn't carry. Like masking tape and light bulbs and Thinsations Chocolate Covered Pretzels. But then every damned box of processed hydrogenated edible-oil-product icing-filled I-never-buy-this-except-when-it's-on-sale thing WAS ON SALE. And what do you do in the battle between 'it's summer and my healthy active kids deserve a treat' and 'in our house we don't eat food that has a half-life of four centuries'? You just decide one way or the other and go about your business? Do you? Because I prefer to walk up and down the aisles putting boxes in my cart and then taking them out again or holding them while reading the ingredients and weeping openly until strangers stop and ask me if I'm okay or if I should possibly speed-dial my therapist while they hold my car keys.

Happily, my kids don't take that junk for granted. While I was unpacking the bags, Eve stood there staring with her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. Then she made a list of all of it and closed her eyes and waved her finger over it ouija-board style to pick what she was going to have for dessert. Then she picked this, which is basically frozen applesauce. If she could drive, I would totally be making her do all the grocery shopping from now on. Don't shop hungry, people. Or crazy.