A Peek Inside My Mind (I'm So Sorry)

 There is a terrible, terrible stage in my depression (unsure about others) where I have attained a very precarious balance and I am mostly okay, or would be if I kept my eyes on my own plate, so to speak, because I am most dreadfully prone to the most heinous kind of jealousy if not (this entire post will NOT be in the writing manner of an eighteenth century spinster's diary, I promise. I hope).

With every book or blog post or Facebook status I read, I feel like everyone I know has navigated their life better, like every decision I made has been disastrous, like HOW did I not know that was how I should have done it all? All the sports I didn't learn, all the trips I didn't take, all the languages I didn't speak, all the children I didn't have, all the avocados I let go mushy. It's not that it really gets dug in anymore, because I know what's happening, but it is frightfully unpleasant (what is wrong with me) in the moment.

This morning I woke up naturally (day off - part time job I love, so lucky). I was up late reading a couple of really good books (love of reading, access to so many books, incredibly fortunate). Eve texted that she had a cold which was a drag, but she was dragging herself to the library because she has an exam in two days, and she was wearing a cardigan and cute camisole over a pair of Angus's old pajama pants which basically looked like pants (my children are so hilarious and enjoyable, a gift beyond measure). Then I picked up my phone and opened Facebook.

My sister in law had posted about going skiing with her husband and son and posted beautiful wintry family pics. How lovely. They are an active, wholesome, socially conscious, beautiful, admirable family and I love them.

And oh, my soul was consumed with bitterness and ill feeling. Why am I not on a ski slope, inhaling the bracing winter air? (Well, I live in Ontario and the snow is gone and I went downhill skiing once and I was terrified, went down the last hill at breakneck speed backwards and vowed never to return). And from there - why didn't I take my children to Paris? (Angus played competitive baseball from the age of 12, which somewhat hampered our travel, and led to him going to the Little League World Series, having a really cool college experience and getting basically his dream job, do I regret that? Probably not). Why didn't I get a high-powered job that used my intelligence to its full extent? (Because my husband had a job with international travel that meant we both couldn't work full time and I got to stay home with the kids. Do I think that was the wrong thing? Not remotely). Why didn't we go live in a foreign country for a year and let our kids soak in another language and culture? (I don't know, this is just getting stupid, nobody does everything).

Did I let my kids watch too much tv? Yes, but I also read to them from our multitudinous collection of picture books many, many times. We never took them skiing - wait, we took them tubing! Sarah, did you take your kids tubing? (If so, awesome, I assumed so, if not, IN YOUR FACE, just kidding, I'm having a moment, sorry). We took them skating and put them in skating lessons until finally, watching Eve inch her laborious way across a balance beam that was four inches off the ground, we had to acknowledge that she has her mother's lack of balance and give up on that. And biking. She's a decent basketball player. Yes, I've lost the plot entirely. I didn't just sit in the house with my kids watching tv for twenty years is the point I'm trying to make, I think. 

I let myself stew for a few minutes then texted a friend to talk me down by saying things I already knew but somehow they are more believable when someone else says them. She said it often looks like people have better lives from the outside (true). She said many people think my life looks great (probably true). she said many people post selected pictures to make people envy their lives (plausible, but definitely not my sister in law). I said why don't we live somewhere pretty and mountainy? She said we literally live a half hour drive from Gatineau Park. 

I have vastly underused our proximity to Gatineau Park, and this is a real, tangible, regrettable error. We took the kids for easy trail walks a few times. We drove through with my parents to see the pretty fall leaves. I went on a really nice hike with a friend who does hiking  once. But we should have been out there at every available opportunity. But you know, life gets busy, inertia, and I'm terrible with directions and could never quite figure out how to get myself there and go on a hike without never being seen again.

But shit happens. And I still have legs.

I asked my friend if she would go on a hike with me in Gatineau Park. She said "so we can post pics that will make other people jealous?" I said "YES, OBVIOUSLY, I mean no, to revel in the beauty of nature."

I did some yoga and dragged my dumb ass out for a walk. It wasn't the most appealing of circumstances. It's gray, and the snow is gone but nothing is green yet, and it was windy. I still think it managed to blow some perspective into my head, along with the dirt it blew into my eye.

This is not, to be clear, a real attempt to justify my life, or fishing for people to reassure me about it. I did some things right. I did many things wrong. Most things I just did, because you just do, don't you? I am drowning in privilege and maybe I could have leveraged it better, but there's no point in revisiting all that now. This was just a way to trace the scorching trail of this line of brooding that would be fascinating if it was happening to somebody else. And as usual, after writing it out, I feel better. 

Clearly I did something right, anyway.