I Am Good Enough I Am Smart Enough I Am Neurotic Enough
A friend just posted on Facebook a meme that says "Allow people to have their moods, and allow those moods to have nothing to do with you."
Okay, JULIE, coming at me before I've even had my Greek yogurt. WOW, should this ever be posted on all my mirrors and possibly tattooed somewhere in my line of sight.
Sometimes I wonder, how can I have such low self-esteem that makes me believe that I matter so little, and yet make EVERYTHING ALL ABOUT ME?
The prime example that has been amusing me to no end lately is the office administrator at my Monday school. She was new last year, I think. I was good friends with the previous one because I filled in in the office quite a bit during Covid, when there was very little going on in the library and I was underemployed anyway and they desperately needed the help with the phones alone. Heather was there all day, Janice was there in the morning and Michelle in the afternoon, and they were all extremely fun to work with - it was a hellish time, but we found the wonky humour in everything. I was constantly screwing up because I hadn't been trained properly, but no one really cared.
One thing I was constantly mixing up was which printer to use. There was the main printer for regular printing jobs, then there was a tiny little printer on the front of our desks to print out late slips. The student would come in, we'd print it out, they'd rip it off and take it to class. (Do you have any idea how many kids show up late to school every day? It is SO MANY MORE than I imagine. I asked if it was just because of Covid, and Heather said not really. I was stunned). So many times, I accidentally sent a regular printing job to the tiny printer. Do you know what happens then? A very long, very skinny late slip with the school's entire attendance on it happens.
This was funny enough, but once I did it and Janice went around to the front of the plexiglass to retrieve it and then someone came in to talk to her, and the image of her standing there talking while casually bunching up the six-foot-long strip of paper into her hand little by little had me and Heather in literal hysterics.
Heather retired two years early because of the stress of administrating a school office during Covid, and Janice went with her. I was sad but completely understood. The new office admin sent out an email to the school and asked people to come in and introduce themselves. So I did, and her reaction seemed like.... okay, so? I scurried back to my office and resolved to have no interaction with her ever again.
Fast forward to this year, with the other librarian on leave and me trying to run the whole library with no time, training or clue. The office admin has been SO INCREDIBLE LOVELY AND HELPFUL. Checking on me every day. Helping me address problems with the principal. Helping move the shelves and the books. Bringing my time sheet to me filled out so I only have to sign it so I won't screw it up AGAIN. Like, I would have burned out and left by now without her, no question.
So what happened that first day? Who knows. She didn't sleep well, she had cramps, someone else had just pissed her off. Why am I so ridiculously fragile? ADHD brain I guess, among other vagaries of my wacko mind. It SUCKS. I've gotten a little better, but, like, measured in millimetres, not feet or even inches (or cubits, what the hell did I just do with measurement systems there). When I was younger, and if it was someone I knew well, the insecurity would cause me to become pathetically needy and seek reassurance constantly. Now I just hole up and consider the relationship dead until given obvious evidence to the contrary. NEITHER OF THESE ARE GOOD COPING MECHANISMS.
Awareness of a problem is some percentage of the solution, right? Is it a high percentage? Because I'm stretched a little thin to be attempting anything more at this point. Also, there's a pile of thyme on the table close to where I'm typing this that we picked before turning over everything in the back yard and I keep think I'm smelling pizza and being annoyed that it's just thyme. I know that has nothing to do with anything else, I'm just babbling now to distract myself from the slight sense of embarrassment I'm going to have after posting this.
Comments
I am glad it had such a great resolution with the new office admin.
Also, I appreciate that you approached this with humor and were still brave enough to post about it. You're not alone ;)
It's hard to not take things personally, but so rarely are they actually meant personally! I understand.
Yesterday I got a text from a friend -- a good friend! -- with a smiley face and a request that we talk about something, and I discovered it really late in the day for boring reasons, and so was already stressed about accidentally ignoring her when I texted her, but also a little apprehensive about why she wanted to talk about this specific thing... and then she said she couldn't talk last night, how about the next morning, and so I went on to stress FOR TWO HOURS about whether she hated me, or I'd done something wrong, or my kid had insulted her kid, or who knows how many ridiculous things. We talked today, it was no big deal, she just wanted to share what someone else had told her about this topic we are mutually interested in. THAT'S IT. Why do I do this??? Questions for therapy lalala! But also I'm glad I'm not the only one who always assumes everyone hates me.
Those office workers sound like a blast. Such a funny story about the printout coming in while she was talking to someone and she had to act as if this was business as usual.
"When I was younger, and if it was someone I knew well, the insecurity would cause me to become pathetically needy and seek reassurance constantly. Now I just hole up and consider the relationship dead until given obvious evidence to the contrary. NEITHER OF THESE ARE GOOD COPING MECHANISMS."
THIS IS MEEEEEEE!
So I know this isn't the point of the blog post, but that's a lot of thyme. What are you going to do with it?
I had a guest speaker in class on Monday. After class (which went really well), I started stressing out about something I'd said on which we'd disagreed. Mildly. And it turns out we were saying essentially the same thing, with minor differences. But instead, I went down the rabbit hole of "she hates me, she thinks I'm an idiot, she is wondering why I'm leading this class". I sent her a thank you email despite my mental yammerings and ...she sent a lovely email back saying how much she always enjoys it. Sigh.
Why DO I make everything about me, indeed???
I was thinking about this as I read the rest of your post, and I think it's because the ALL ABOUT ME is negative. Like, you wouldn't matter in a GOOD way, but could you be annoying as hell to someone? Probably. That's a struggle that a LOT of us have, I think. Sad really. I wish we could be as nice to ourselves as we are to other people. Maybe a little snarky, but ultimately forgiving and generous.
We are all guilty of this. Judging someone for the first interaction; it's human nature. I'm glad that she turned out much nicer than you'd anticipated.
I had a giggle myself picturing you printing out so many things on the tiny printer. You ARE special.