Possibly NSFW?

 Holy shit you guys, the sleep thing is extremely bad right now. I feel like for the the past few weeks I'm never really asleep or really awake. Got about three good hours last night, worked in the library this morning and covered in the office this afternoon. It was quiet. It's never quiet. Quiet is not good. I think I was literally asleep at my desk at one point. I kept pretending I had to go to the bathroom just to walk around and wake up.

Also, I catalogued a buttload of dictionaries.

Aren't they pretty?

The sleepless brain makes the stupid brain even worse, as you can imagine. I was watching a tv show where a woman was taking a pregnancy test and timing it using her phone and I said "hey, they should have a pregnancy test app where you can just pee on your phone". Help.

At our last outdoor bar night I was telling the group about hanging out with my friend Jody (HI JODY) on her front porch on Sunday for three and a half hours. Jody is an accomplished equestrian and, in the course of our long and rambling conversation, she pulled out her chaps to show me and, waving them around expressively, begged me as a writer never to use the term "assless chaps" because chaps - *emphatic wave* - are, by their very definition, assless. I confess that I have, in the past, almost certainly used the term 'assless chaps', if not in writing then in speaking. I told her we saw a dude in Montreal walking down the street wearing chaps and his ass was hanging out. We concluded that he must have been wearing a thong, or assless pants. 

So this occasioned much discussion at bar night, including Collette (HI COLLETTE) telling us that her search algorithm had coughed out pants for women that make it easier and more discreet to pee outside (something like this, I guess). There were several rude suggestions about why that particular item might be directed towards someone (for outdoor sex, in case I'm being too subtle), although Collette protested "Nuh-uh, they just think I'm a hiker!" and then she said she should try another search that would make the algorithm even more perverse and I yelled "hide your phones, everyone!" Then we realized that Google and Amazon are literally always listening, and I had said the words 'assless chaps' loudly at least a dozen times in the last five minutes, and we all stared at our phones in silent horror.

Eve's driving test is tomorrow, an hour and a half away because all the centers are crazy busy since they had to close for so long because of Covid. She's anxious. I'm anxious. She's a perfectly good driver, just... anxious. I'm a perfectly good mother (?) just... anxious. The drive there is going to be a bit of a trial. 

Maybe I'll try to distract her by telling her about the blog post I just wrote that inadvertently turned out to revolve around urination and ass. 


Comments

D said…
I could not possibly love you more.

Good luck to Eve tomorrow!
the queen said…
I concur. This is hilarious.
Collette said…
I have no doubt that Eve passes with flying colours. The tester will say she's the best driver that day and Eve will walk away, nay, drive away with confidence while smiling at her earlier unwarranted anxiety.
And if it doesn't go exactly like that, get me the name of the tester. I'll cut that bitch.

Ps. Yes that was the correct link, and I'm gonna get us all some for Christmas. Because we're outdoorsy, dammit.
Jody said…
HI ALLISON
Ernie said…
I'm sorry about the lack of sleep. I sometimes nap and afterwards can't decide if I've slept because I felt awake the whole time but I also have felt like I kinda slept. It's a weird sensation.

Mini is not a great driver - just very unsteady, not smooth - and she passed her driving test with flying colors over the summer. So . . . I think Eve will do great.

When we were getting ready to go to a national park like 10 years ago, we saw in the 'outdoorsy' store a thing that a woman could hold in her hand in order to pee outdoors. It was kind of like a funnel, but closed on one end - also shaped more like an oblong oval at the top. We joked about it, but dang over the years we've thought about how that might come in handy.

The assless chaps and the algorithms story is hilarious. You might be tired, but damn if you aren't always so very funny.
Carolyn Brown said…
Hilarious, Allison. I think I saw the same guy in Montreal by the way. About a decade ago.
StephLove said…
I'm sorry about the sleeplessness. It sounds awful.

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