Tuesday, September 15, 2015

The Sky is So Very Blue

Just before Labour Day Week-end, I started on a nice little hyper-manic upward slope. Even if I didn't HAVE to be early, I popped out of bed first thing in the morning with no brain fog, I got some organizing done that I've been putting off for months, I walked the dog four times a day and never felt too tired to do one more thing in the day if it occurred to me. 

Along with this, as usual, came some less awesome stuff: a sort of hardened mental glaze over my mind, obsessive thoughts that wouldn't clear for more than a few seconds at a time, and that uncomfortable sense that the air around me is crowded with screaming or crying. 

Honestly, it's not the worst trade-off in the world. Going to bed every night knowing that the morning is going to be either a battle-slog out of a pit of quicksand or another dismal failure is really demoralizing. A bit of mental glitchiness isn't too high a price to pay for some time above water. 

Yesterday, I suddenly felt a strange puncturing and it was like a balloon inside my head had popped. Obsessive thoughts - gone. Vague feeling of doom - gone. It was sort of like my mind had been slightly short-winded, and suddenly it could take a deep, lovely breath.

Okay, I thought. It was nice (ish) while it lasted. I fully expected to be back to business as usual today - stabbing the snooze button and dreaming about getting up five times before actually managing it.

Woke up fine, early, no brain fog. Had dinner for a friend in the crock pot by nine. Coursework, gardening, dog walked by eleven. I had lunch at regular lunch time. I'm going to have to go clean out a closet or something because the kids aren't home yet and suddenly there's more DAY in my day. I went outside and sat in the swinging chair in my weedy back yard and looked up at the sky and laughed because, holy shit, this might be one day's grace, and it might not last, but for the moment I'm so purely grateful I could weep. 

11 comments:

temperedwithkindness said...

Extra time is great.

Be sure to keep taking care of yourself, of course, but a blue sky is definitely something of which to take advantage.

I hope the worries stay away.

Nicole said...

Oh, I love you, my dear, dear friend. xoxo

Shan said...

Love!

Steph Lovelady said...

Here's to more than a day.

And what a lucid description of mania. I've never been there but I feel like I understand it better, at least how it is for you.

Dimitra Melehes said...

You brought tears to my eyes! It's these "moments" in life that are true blessings....
And it's ok if you "plan" on having more days like this, but don't.... May you see many more blue skies ahead!
Xo

Alison said...

This is so beautifully written. There's nothing like the moment of pure grace when the storm has passed.

Sarah said...

I wish we lived closer. Because this is me, too. When I wake up I am never sure whether it's going to be one of those days when it'll be hard to do even one thing or when I will tick off chores like a madwoman (!) but be propelled mostly by rage. Neither is a happy way to be.

Sasha said...

I want - almost desperately - to say something. But I can't figure out what. Sending hugs instead. For the good times and the less good.

Julie L said...

Here's hoping that this sticks for a long while. xoxo

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