Absence makes the heart do too much online shopping

I may have mentioned (repeatedly, in a shameless attempt at garnering sympathy) that my husband travels a lot. When the kids were little and we had no family around, it was really hard. I wouldn't sleep well, the kids wouldn't sleep well, every day seemed fifty-seven hours long, and by the time he came home I was at the end of all my physical and emotional resources. As they've gotten older it's become much, much easier.

We've established some good routines that work for us when we're a three-person family. Routines for getting homework done, piano practiced, children bathed and everyone in bed at a reasonable time. In some ways it's easier when there's only one parent - we're on my schedule and everyone knows what they're doing when. We sometimes have supper on tv tables. We usually gather in my room to read at around eight. Often, this morphs into a group sleepover, with Angus and Eve occupying the other side of my bed, or a mattress on the floor, or the enormous chair and ottoman pulled together. It's a nice bonding experience, and it's nice for them to have something to look forward to when Daddy goes away, although I have mentioned to them that it might be kinder not to yell YAY when my husband announces another trip.

Some routines that have started to form when my husband is away are less productive and beneficial. Like the one where I suddenly feel the need to visit online auction sites and look for funky jewelry, or cute clothes for Eve, or baseball accessories for Angus. This is something I like to call 'retaliatory retail'. This is not something I ever do when he's home - and it's not because he would disapprove. It just doesn't occur to me. Fortunately, I'm still restrained enough not to spend too much on them, but it's sort of a pattern that Matt returns home and then one or two or three packages show up in the mailbox with beaded watches or purple tulle skirts or funky striped asymmetrical-hem dresses or a Boston Red Sox lightswitch plate.

The other thing that sometimes happened, and this one is less harmless, is that I become unable to talk on the phone with my husband without instantly morphing into a venom-spewing harridan. And not just when I'm having a bad day. Strangely, it's sometimes inversely proportionate to how bad things are. Once Eve got an ear infection that lasted four days, and then the stomach flu. I was able to relate this to my husband with perfect calm. On the other hand, often he calls when Angus has just brought home a perfect math test and Eve has just said something witty and adorable, and between picking up the phone and bringing it to my ear, I inexplicably lose. my. shit.

Me: Hello?

Him: Hi, it's me. How's it going?

Me: Why do you care? It's not like you'll be any help if it's going crappy.

OR

Me: Hello?

Him: It's me. Just checking on things.

Me: I've always hated how you chew gum. And you shouldn't wear red, it's so not your colour.

OR

Me: Hello?

Him: Um, I have a situation.

Me: You are the unpurged bowels of a dozen earthworms. How many days late? You suck.

Yeah. Not constructive. I think we can all agree it's not the best way to foster strong marital ties.

I really am working on this. I know it's not his fault that he has to travel. I know it's not always fun for him (although you should understand that often it really is - nice hotels, nice restaurants, sushi off of naked women - okay, it might have just been sushi on plates, but he REALLY LIKES sushi, so,  still...).  It keeps us fed, sheltered, pays for the hockey equipment and piano lessons, lets me stay home with the kids - and friends? we get a shit-ton of Air Miles. I know this, rationally. Then again, if he wanted rational, one might ask what the hell he was doing marrying ME.

I think a large part of the problem is that, even when things are going well, it's hard being the only one on - the only cook, cleaner, driver, clothes-washer, band-aid applier, math-problem-helper and plumber. No matter how hard we try to anticipate what needs to be put in place before he leaves, invariably we end up realizing that Angus's hockey stick is locked in Matt's truck at the airport ten minutes before we have to leave for the game, or that the off-gassing toilet plunger that he put in the garage isn't accessible when we are suddenly in DESPERATE NEED of a toilet plunger. For the most part, I manage to squish down the panic-inducing knowledge that we're always potentially seconds away from this kind of thing and that I have no back-up, so that I don't walk around weeping and trembling the whole time he's away; my theory is that, when the phone rings, these squished-down feelings squirm out of captivity and shout desperately for freedom. Unfortunately, the squished-down feelings also have Tourette's Syndrome, so that while I'm trying to say 'Everything is fine', they're trying to call out plaintively 'I'm feeling insecure and panicky!' but instead they inexplicably scream 'DIE MOTHERFUCKER!'

Once when the kids were still small, he was supposed to be home on Thursday night, but called at midnight to tell me he was stuck in Toronto until the next day. I said "okay. It's fine. See you tomorrow." Later he thanked me for being so reasonable. I said "actually I was cursing you six ways from Sunday in my head, but I was half-asleep and suddenly I was paranoid that the plane might crash and people might find out that the last words I said to you were mean". He smiled serenely and said "I don't really care".

Finally I just told him to email me and now we usually communicate that way, because I don't feel myself morphing into Super-Mega-Wonder-Quadruple-Bitch while reaching for the keys the same way I do reaching for the phone, and even if I do I can always edit before hitting send. I briefly considered the possibility that it was the phone that was evil, but other than the telemarketers, the theory doesn't really hold up. But everyone who reads my blog knows I'm nicer in writing - right?

I'm working on it. We've had one phone conversation since he left two days ago. I was nice. It wasn't THAT hard.

Now, I wonder if they have any cute black sparkly sweaters on Ebay in size 10/12?