Went in for a trim, came out with weird Barbie hair

I have weird hair. I talk about my weird hair here sometimes - not nearly as much as I could if I really let myself go, because I realize that not everyone cares about the agony and torment that this hair causes me daily, nay, hourly, and I'm trying to develop a sense of proportion or, failing that, the ability to fake one.

I get perms. It's embarrassing to admit that. I get one maybe once a year and then I try to show up at the next gathering acting casual, hoping nobody will notice that the last time they saw me my hair was straight and now it's curly - and, because people generally just aren't that observant (meaning they don't spend an ungodly amount of time staring at me in the mirror), it kind of works. Many people, when I confess to the perming offense, look genuinely surprised. My friend Collette now knows that I get the perms, makes fun of me for the perms but loves my hair permed, and has been denied the right to perm because her hair is too thick (yeah, cry her a river, I do). So now when I show up after the perm, she says "I love your hair, goddammit. Fucking bitch." The more she curses, the better I know it looks.

For a while after the perm, I have magic hair. Hair that can do no wrong (well, it does a lot wrong, but compared to my normal hair it's much lower maintenance, which feels like magic). Hair I don't have to obsess over. But perms, despite the cruelly deceiving name, are actually not permanent. And my hair (wretched, wretched stuff) grows fast. So then there's the other half of the year.

About a year ago, I finally succumbed to my hairdresser's entreaties to let her highlight my hair. I thought it might look unnatural. Then I realized - I'm forty. Natural at this point does not look good. SCREW natural. So we did it. It was great - blonde and stripey. I still had my weird hairline and all the other problems, but the blonde and stripey sort of took attention away from all that.

Then I took my son to get a fire engine red fauxhawk for hockey playoffs. I took him to a local place that's really close by, and they were really nice and did a great job on his hair. The place I was going is a half hour away and my hairstylist is on mat leave, and the rest of the place is kind of high-toned and snooty. So I thought I'd try this place for a while.

The first cut and highlights were fine. I liked the woman who did it. I felt like she got me. So today I went in, and school's about to be over, and BOLO is next week, and my friend Zarah's coming for a week. So I said "how about we go a tiny bit more dramatic - maybe a couple of more intense lowlights and a tiny bit of red?"

I should have knows from the gleam in her eye and the way she said "REALLY?" that I was entering into a Massive Failure to Communicate.

I meant mostly blonde, with a couple of lowlights and ONE OR TWO red highlights. Instead she seems to have done equal amounts of all three - blonde, dark brown and Texas Chainsaw Massacre Cheerleader Femoral Blood Red. I look like one of those Barbies whose hair my daughter colours with things that look like Sharpies. I look like I'm auditioning for a girl gang movie. It looks like hair that should come with a rivet-studded leather bra and super powers.

I wish I could add "...and I love it!" But I really don't. Not yet anyway. I'm trying to embrace it. I feel like I'm not cool enough to pull it off - I hate that. Because after all it's just hair, and it will grow out, and it's the summer and I don't work in a conservative office...or anywhere really...and my daughter loves it. I'm hoping that, after screaming every time I look in the mirror for the next few days, it will start making me feel like a badass. Which is a whole other kind of magic.


Bridget said…
I bet it rocks. And no picture... :(

Several years ago I was trying to dye my hair back to it's natural dark brown color. I bought a box of haircolor and followed it to the letter (not my first time to use it, but the first time to darken it) Apparently my hair takes color very well.

I waited until my guys were gone, and did it...and it came out black...geisha black...emo black. The guys walked in and my husband's eyes got big and he's like "wow! my son said it was totally cool and all I would need to make it perfect was to paint my fingernails black. The students said I looked young and chic. I cried. I am no longer allowed to purchase another box of hair color. Ever.
Julie said…
no fare posting about some crazy ass hair and posting no pics! i bet it looks frakkin awesome!
Wrath Of Mom said…
What? No picture? Please. Either one of your hair, or one of the rivet-studded leather bra and super powers. That would be awesome.

I'm getting a hair cut next week, as I've let my hair grow out too long and now look like Ellen Degeneres LESS girly younger sister. This is decidedly NOT a good thing.
Amber said…
You have guts for admitting the perm. But seriously? No pictures of the barbie hair? Come on, throw us a bone. I bet it looks amazing, especially with the leather studded bra.
Ms. G said…
Didn't you know? They put badass superpowers in the bottle with the red. They create an invisible leather studded bra force field. Now that you know it's there you can't be stopped! Like Barbie. That's why she is so rich and famous.

I bet you're Awesome! Truly- Pictures!
Kitty Deschanel said…
No photos?! Come on. I shared my gray hair fiasco! Let's see this weird Barbie hair :)

(which I'm sure is absolutely fine)
Suniverse said…
I love this.

Love you!

I bet you look awesome. I'm dying to do fun funky stuff with my hair again, but am still trying to look "professional". And not "professional" in a hooker way. Although I might make more money that way.
Lynn said…
Wow, I had no idea your hair wasn't naturally curly! It really looks amazing.

(at least usually.)

Can't wait to see it next week!
Nicole said…
I bet you look great!

My hair is, behind my skin, the cause of much agony and anxiety. I have ISSUES. My mother told me, constantly, when I was a kid that I had terrible hair. Then she cut it super short. When it grew out she home permed it. It was just not a good look. Think sheep-like mullet. Anyway, I have given up on anything approaching natural. I am just not a natural woman.
Oh you shouldn't leave us hanging like that!! I bet it looks really cute. I think you should defiantly post a picture!!
And exactly WHERE is the picture? Chicken shit. You can't lure me in and not give me the money shot.
Sandra said…
Ok, first of all, I have looked at the pics in the above post, and I do love it! Be grateful, your hair could be orange. I speak from experience. Second of all, I agree, you're 40, no such thing as natural. I really think it's fucking amazing and I say rock it sister! I hope you guys don't have rain for today.

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