2014 - Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2014 that you've never done before? Oh! Oh! I fired a gun! We went to a shooting range for our friend Dave's birthday and fired shotguns (I was surprisingly good at it), and then we went to his father-in-law's house and fired rifles and handguns (I didn't like holding a handgun at all). It was interesting, but it didn't give me a taste for it. Way too loud, for one thing. Also, I made a terrine. 

2. Did you keep your resolutions for 2014 and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions. I try continually to suck less. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, and you should probably stop asking me that question now until I get some younger friends or some older kids. 

4. Did anyone close to you die? Grandpa. Matt's Grandpa, but he was the only Grandpa left in my life. I miss him. 

5. What countries did you visit? The Dominican Republic, in January, with the whole family for my mother's seventieth birthday. I had the usual reservations about spending a decadent week in a poor country. It was still a really great week for the family. 

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014? Confidence. Focus. Abs. 

7. What date(s) from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I don't remember the dates of ANYTHING. I remember hearing that Grandpa died while poolside in the Dominican Republic, but I don't know what the date was. I remember Eve and I threw a Sleepover of Awesome this summer, and I remember her first day of the last year in her elementary school, and Angus's first day of grade nine, and our first family camping trip EVER, and when Eve's Glee class performed and she sang the first line of the whole night solo and looked so pale I thought she might faint, and I was sympathetic and proud, but don't ask me when any of it actually happened. The date-etching tool in my memory is broken.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Did you not hear me say "family camping trip"? Like, with tents, and outhouses?

9. What was your biggest failure? Well, I still haven't managed teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? There was the tiresome fact that every time I tried to stop taking my antidepressant it was all "you can't quit me!" I also think I came to terms more fully than I have in the past with the fact that I just have really poorly controlled depression and anxiety and I don't respond well to most of the usually prescribed drugs, and that's just going to be a thing in my life. I have an appointment next week at the Royal Ottawa Hospital Mood Disorder Clinic to discuss how to proceed. I'm feeling terrified and hopeful about this. 

11. What was the best thing you bought? Really, really comfortable air mattresses. 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? I can't think of anyone offhand.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Gamergaters, Men's Rights Advocates and mansplainers of all type and description, basically. 

14. Where did most of your money go? Food, shelter, clothing (although not, unfortunately, these - wait, can I go back to what I didn't have last year that I want to have this year?)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Blissdom with Hannah and Nicole. The last book in this trilogy. Realizing I could put the Kindle app on my ipad. Going to Suzi Q with Pam. My kids coming home from school. It's really a twenty-four hour party in my head. 

16. What songs will always remind you of 2014? Anything about the female posterior - was this not the year everyone was singing about the ass? I don't get it. Also, Shake it Off, mostly because at the Blissdom pajama party when I actually did know a lot of the songs, this one song came on and everybody was clapping and then singing along and dancing and I was standing there like a lump thinking what the hell is this and WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW IT BUT ME, and then the Monday I got home I heard Eve singing it and basically attacked her - WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE SINGING? WHAT IS IT?? And then Eve's Glee class did it, and it was adorable. 

17. Compared to this time last year you are: Three courses closer to finishing my library tech diploma. About 150 books smarter (debatable). Just as in love with my goofy, hilarious, wonderful family and friends. A little closer to getting my house decluttered and organized (a very little).

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercising. Writing. Gardening.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worrying. Self-loathing. Reading things that didn't challenge or delight or enrich.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Once the kids were off school and Matt was off work, we had three days off to pack for Thunder Bay and see The Hobbit and hot tub with our friends. Then we went to Thunder Bay for five days and stayed with my mother-in-law and her husband for Christmas, joined by my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. We also visited my father-in-law and his wife. Then we came home and had a day with my sister and her family. Then we had a New Year's party. In between, we played some video games (Angus), watched some overwrought fraught-with-nudity-and-violence historical fiction television series (Matt), read some books (me) and loafed around in an elephant onesie (Matt again - ha, just kidding, it was Eve). It was a good mix of people and stuff and non-people and rest. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2014? Only with Mindy, and my husband thinks that's kind of hot, so it's all good. 

22. How many one-night stands? Only with Mindy, and my husband was usually out of town, so it's all good.

23. What was your favourite tv program? DUH. Eve's teacher sidled up to me in the library yesterday morning while I was shelving books and said "so I let slip that I was a fan of The Mindy Project and Eve said you and I should talk" and we had an absurd jumping-up-and-down-shrieking-and-giggling fellow fangirl moment. Although there's also a really fun new show on Space called - get this - THE LIBRARIANS. 

24. Do you hate anyone now that you don't hate last year? I try not to hate anyone, not for more than a second or two at a time anyway. 

25. What was the best book you read? Working on that post right now. 

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don't make great musical discoveries. I have appalling taste in music. I have to hide my ipod when guests come over. My biggest claim to fame in our group was when I accidentally introduced a couple of friends to an R.E.M song they'd never heard before because it was on a soundtrack of an obscure Wim Wenders film that I liked. I was cool for the five seconds before an old Backstreet Boys song started playing.  

27. What did you want and get? An iphone - okay, I didn't actually know I wanted it, but my husband got me one for my birthday and it turned out much like it did with the ipad - "What the hell made you think this was OH MY GOD WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE MY PRECIOUSSSSS."

28. What was your favourite film of this year? Oh, "film", aren't we grand. My favourite movies that I saw with the kids were Big Hero 6 and Guardians of the Galaxy (so fun!). Then there was that blissful night alone in a hotel room with X-Men: Days of Future Past. But for flat-out nostalgic wish-fulfillment awesomeness? Veronica Mars.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 44. I had just helped throw a big party for Collette's 45th in April and then gone shooting for Dave's in May and I didn't feel like a big bash, so Matt and I went with a couple of friends to Play with a very generous gift card (a Christmas present from my brother-in-law and his girlfriend) and had a really nice dinner in the market on a lovely June evening. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I find this question silly, self-defeating and impossible to answer and I would just remove it from the list if I wasn't too lazy to renumber the rest. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014? Occasionally fabulous, with a weekday option on stretchy and wrinkly. Zarah did get me to buy these, so at least my boobs are well-dressed.

32. What kept you sane? My family and friends, as usual. Pam just now offered to take me out on Wednesday and do something that involves eating and laughing at other people (two of my favourite things!) to distract me from my scary appointment on Thursday. Hannah and Nicole and the other friends in my Writing Goals Facebook group are invariably supportive and comforting. Beck made me feel better about my whole entire life earlier this week. And my children have said on numerous occasions that they're really glad I've been home with them, which helps to moderate my regular fits of what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life despair and ennui. 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I'm going to go with Chris Evans, because he's a couple of years older than Chris Hemsworth and it feels marginally less cougary. 

34. Which political issue stirred you the most? It varied, but refer back to the Gamergate answer. Although I'm deep into thoughts about free speech and radical fundamentalism at the moment. 

35. Who did you miss? My sister. My friends who live in the computer and are not easily smushable on a regular basis. 

36. Who was the best new person you met? I don't see how I can go with any answer but Kate. 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014? Sometimes there isn't a cure for what ails you. You just have to learn how to live with it as gracefully as possible.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Or maybe Working too hard can give you a heart attack ack ack ack ack ack. Sorry. I haven't been allowed to listen to anything but Billy Joel since summer. 

Meme Monday with Hannah and Nicole: It's ITSY-BITSY, GODDAMMIT

So needless to say, I really should have added "blog readers" to "friends and family" on my post last night. *sniff*. You all get me. You all say the exact right thing. If my doctor wrote me a prescription with the precisely perfect words needed to make all my troubles seem less burdensome, your words would be on it. Oh my gosh - you're all like GIANT HAPPY PILLS. Dancing in my head. No, I haven't taken any strong painkillers, I just finally thank-the-good-lord don't have a fucking headache anymore and it IS actually making me feel a little high.

I made up the questions for Meme Monday (with my preciouses Hannah and Nicole and anyone else who needs a post idea and a laugh, and with fond remembrance of Shan and her Knowing Me Knowing You meme, which I always loved - wait, that sounds like she's dead, she's TOTALLY not dead, she just doesn't do the meme anymore, or hasn't for a while, or something, she does a lot of volunteer work, she's very busy, I'M SORRY SHAN!.). I knew when I threw in the spider one that I was playing with fire.

Photo by Scott Akerman

1. What was your favourite subject in school?

I knew Nicole was going to say calculus, I KNEW IT (let's just skip over how patently unfair it is that Nicole is good at calculus, can write really well AND has perky boobs). I have a calculus story, although it doesn't actually involve any math. I was fine at math until high school, although I never loved it. In high school, I kind of hated it, although I was never in actual danger of failing, or getting less than an 85 or anything, plus my boyfriend was allowed to come over more if he was tutoring me in math, so that was cool. But when I put calculus and OAC physics on my timetable for Grade 13 (yes, we had grade 13, I'm ancient, let's move on), leaving no spares, because I thought I should take them, as character-building or penance or something, the guidance counsellor (who knew me pretty well), called me to her office and said HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BLEEPING MIND? And said I didn't need them for what I was going to do in university, and they'd only drag my average down, and frankly, the teachers were afraid it would precipitate a total psychotic break and result in damage to school property and a lot of paperwork. So I switched to drama and a spare and had a perfectly lovely senior year.

What? Oh, my actual favourite subject? Dunno. You'd think it would be anything where I could just write, so it probably was, but I think mostly anything that had a funny teacher. I hated school, it made me anxious. Duh.

2. How did you meet your spouse?

He lived on the other wing of my residence floor in first year - the druggie wing, which is hilarious since he can't even inhale. The guys next door to him came in on the first day, moved all the furniture out of their room, filled it with futons and Persian carpets and a lizard cage, and had a giant blowtorch named Mr. Toker. He was seventeen and a little out of his element. He was also an engineer, and the first few times I met him I thought he was an obnoxious little twerp. Then he dated one of my friends for a while and I thought he was a fairly entertaining obnoxious little twerp. Then he moved in with my BFF Zarah in third year, so I couldn't avoid seeing him a lot, and he'd broken up with my friend, and we always kind of enjoyed arguing with and insulting each other, and I went over one night to watch the Blue Jays play for the pennant and we drank a bunch of beer. And we lived happily ever after.

3. Coffee or tea? 

Diet Pepsi. I think coffee is vile. I like tea, but I'm like Nicole with the laziness over boiling and steeping, unless I'm trying not to snack in the evening and then I try to use it in place of snacking, but now if I drink it too late in the evening it gives me heartburn or makes me have to pee in the middle of the night. So I drink a lot of water. I'm not like Hannah with the tea snobbery - I don't think I can tell Red Rose from Earl Gray. I recently learned that you're not supposed to actually boil the water for green tea, which is an earth-shattering revelation, since I often drink green tea because it's supposed to be 'good for you' (character building, penance - HAVE I NOT GROWN AT ALL?) but it always tastes like dishwater. I haven't actually tried making it the new way (I gave up on it, because it tasted like crap), but I'll keep you posted.

4. Public speaking - no big deal, or would you rather die?

Until I was finally medicated for depression and anxiety, I would have undergone any manner of torture to avoid public speaking. I did senior debating for a while because some teacher said it would look good on my résumé (plus, character buil- fuck, I want to smack MYSELF at this point) and after that year, my parents asked me to never do it again, because in the lead-up to every debate I was making them wish they'd never had children. Every presentation I had to make in front of the class seemed like the actual literal end of the world, or made me wish for it. I would hyperventilate. I would shake. Sometimes I would throw up. Afterwards, I would sleep for thirty hours and then feel like I had cured cancer or discovered a new planet, which was nice, but it never lasted long, and then I'd start getting anxious for the next one.

Photo by tuneful87

After I started taking anxiety meds, I didn't LOVE public speaking, but it was no huge deal. The first time I did Blogging Out Loud, I FELT like I should be nervous, but I really wasn't. Neither of my kids has any problem with it, which makes me just want to cry with gratitude.

5. That spider crawling up the water spout - is it 'eensy weensy' or 'itsy bitsy'?

Itsy-bitsy! Itsy-bitsy!! ITSY GODAMMNED BITSY!!! (When I try to type 'bitsy' really fast, I keep typing 'bitchy', which is kind of appropriate). I don't know WHY I feel so passionate about this, but I really, really do. When Angus was little, he would say he wanted to do "Bitsy Bider". That might have something to do with it. If the Blues Clues tape where they do the Itsy Bitsy Spider had said eensy-weensy, I would have thrown Steve out on his ass. I'm giving Hannah a pass because she's cute, and we hardly ever do song games when we're together at Blissdom anyway.

Meme Monday on the Margins Mash-Up

I had this mini-epiphany last week; usually in the morning I sit down with breakfast and check my email and return messages and work on course stuff and check Facebook before I settle down to writing. Sometimes I leave blogging until after supper. On Thursday morning, I wrote my blog post before doing anything else. And I felt this incredible surge of happiness and accomplishment. Now I realize I'm not always the quickest study, but the lesson seemed obvious.

So this morning I was all set to write my Meme Monday post, but when I checked, Nicole's wasn't up yet, so I wasn't sure if we were DOING Meme Monday, so I thought maybe I'd do a Mondays on the Margins post, but I only had one half-prepared, and when I thought about it I thought it probably needed some quotes, which would necessitate me having all the books, which I don't, so I waffled. And then I did other stuff. And now here I am, after dinner, needing to get on the treadmill, wondering why I NEVER LEARN.

I've had the scraps of a memory of this poem rolling around my head for the past few days (not for any good reason - somewhat uncharacteristically, I am NOT presently ragey or hate-filled towards anyone or anything at the moment). It took a little more internet searching than usual: I did a dozen search strings comprised of some variation of HATE + SILENCE + UNDERWATER + CAT + CUR + SLAIN. I came up with lists of "Silence" poems, lists of "Hatred" poems, a site for "writing dark poems about death, horror and evil" (yes, obviously I'm going there right after I finish this post) a perplexing effort entitled "Silence, sssst" by "Nadim, Lost Soul", and then, magically, like tripping drunkenly over a rainbow and finding yourself barfing into a pot of gold (okay, not really anything like that), there it was.

SILENCES

E.J. Pratt
From:   E.J. Pratt: Complete Poems. ed. Sandra Djwa and R.G. Moyles. Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 1989.

There is no silence upon the earth or under the earth like the silence
    under the sea;
No cries announcing birth,
No sounds declaring death.
There is silence when the milt is laid on the spawn in the weeds and
    fungus of the rock—clefts;
And silence in the growth and struggle for life.
The bonitoes pounce upon the mackerel,
And are themselves caught by the barracudas,
The sharks kill the barracudas
And the great molluscs rend the sharks,
And all noiselessly —
Though swift be the action and final the conflict,
The drama is silent.

There is no fury upon the earth like the fury under the sea.
For growl and cough and snarl are the tokens of spendthrifts who
    know not the ultimate economy of rage.
Moreover, the pace of the blood is too fast.
But under the waves the blood is sluggard and has the same
    temperature as that of the sea.

There is something pre—reptilian about a silent kill.

Two men may end their hostilities just with their battle—cries,
'The devil take you,' says one.
'I'll see you in hell first,' says the other.
 And these introductory salutes followed by a hail of gutturals
    and sibilants are often the beginning of friendship, for who would
    not prefer to be lustily damned than to be half—heartedly blessed?
No one need fear oaths that are properly enunciated, for they
    belong to the inheritance of just men made perfect, and, for all we
    know, of such may be the Kingdom of Heaven.
But let silent hate be put away for it feeds upon the heart of the hater.

Today I watched two pairs of eyes. One pair was black and the
    other grey. And while the owners thereof, for the space of five
    seconds, walked past each other, the grey snapped at the black and
    the black fiddled the grey.
One looked to say — 'The cat,'
And the other— 'The cur.'
But no words were spoken;
Not so much as a hiss or a murmur came through the perfect enamel
    of the teeth; not so much as a gesture of enmity.
If the right upper lip curled over the canine, it went unnoticed.
The lashes veiled the eyes not for an instant in the passing.
And as between the two in respect to candour of intention or
    eternity of wish, there was no choice, for the stare was mutual and
    absolute.
A word would have dulled the exquisite edge of the feeling.
An oath would have flawed the crystallization of the hate.
For only such culture could grow in a climate of silence —
Away back before emergence of fur or feather, back to the unvocal
    sea and down deep where the darkness spills its wash on the
    threshold of light, where the lids never close upon the eyes, where
    the inhabitants slay in silence and are as silently slain.


March 1936 

I have issues with poetry - not disliking it, just having trouble reading it. If I could have someone read it aloud to me it would probably be better (although the one time a guy tried to do it in the romantic sense I couldn't stop giggling and he wasn't terribly eager to try it again). But this one, maybe because the metre is more drawn-out, or the images are so intense, really stuck in my mind (not enough to reproduce word for word, or reproduce the title, or the author, or... yeah, you see what "sticking in my mind" actually entails, I know, it's sad, let's move on). 

Do you have a favourite poem? (I'll wait here while you Google).

Okay, Meme Monday questions:

Is it spring where you are?

Sure. It thundered so loud and so long last night that I thought it was an earthquake, most of today was crazy windy but in a balmy, springlike, fragrant way, this afternoon some guy aerated my lawn in the pouring rain, and tomorrow it's going to snow!

What was the last book you read, and would you recommend it?

The last book I finished was called I Am the New God and I might recommend it to a very select audience. I got it from NetGalley for review and it was...odd. The last book I read without finishing was Louise Penny's The Beautiful Mystery, and it is beautiful - melodic and meditative and cadenced. I would recommend it to anyone. 

Reality TV - yes or no?

I think I outed myself as in the snobby contingent on this question in this post. In a word - no.

Who is your favourite cartoon character of all time?

Nicole says "that's easy" which makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Or maybe with her. :)

Um...... Anyone from Duckman?

Do you have a song stuck in your head right now? What is it?

I always have a song stuck in my head, usually for long, long periods of time. Often I become newly aware of it as if it's been playing in the room I'm in instead of in my head - it's like a brainworm more than an earworm. I was on a Billy Joel kick and for a while it was You May Be Right alternating with Christie Lee (I heard the man knew the Bird like a Bible/ yes the man could blow an educated axe). I went quite a while with Train's 50 Ways to Say Goodbye. None of it holds a candle to the tortuous three weeks I once battled with a bout of insomnia during which the sleepless nighttime hours were almost entirely colonized by Hoots the Owl's Put Down the Duckie. I try not even to let the title cross my mind....oh. Shit. But this morning when I woke up, later than I wanted to, again, I shit you not, the snooze button clicked off, and the radio came on just as some chick started singing "I sleep in late/another day/oh what a wonder/oh what a waste". So I slumped into the shower feeling wretched, thinking maybe I'd email Zarah for a pep talk after breakfast. Then I gave myself a pep talk in Zarah's voice, and it started with the assertion that even if I lose productive hours in the morning, I generally make them up at night, and ended with the conclusion that if my worst habit is sleeping in until I feel rested on mornings when I don't have to be anywhere, I'm probably not the horrible useless wretch that I sometimes feel like I am. 

Whew. Too heavy for a Meme Monday? Go back to Put Down the Duckie. You know, if you want to, you can put a dirty spin on it. "It's hard to play the saxophone with something in your hand?" Come ON. Tune in next week where I'll completely desecrate The Count's Counting Sheep Song. 

Meme Monday: Seven Questions

I still haven't figured out how to resolve Meme Monday with Mondays on the Margins, except yes I kind of have: if I don't have a book review post ready or Eve's birthday post, for that matter, OR the family vacation post I am assembling, then clearly I would be an idiot to pass up a free post idea, provided by the lithe and lissome Nicole, via her friend Kimberly.

1) If Jane had 3 apples and John had 78 nails, how many layers of clothing are you wearing (how is the weather in your neck of the woods?)?

Freakin' schizo, not to put too fine a point on it. First it was frigid freezing, so that Eve's first two trips with the school ski club got cancelled, which she was HIGHLY put out by. Then it snowed. Then it went back to just normal cold, which meant I walked around with just a sweater on again. Then the temperature started creeping downwards again, so that I would go out somewhere and suddenly realize that I was really cold. At home I'm still wearing my oh-so-sexy huge socks, leggings and a t-shirt, but I just got in from grocery shopping, sat down at the computer, and suddenly realized that my boobs are icy cold. And they had more layers on then everything else, so, go figure.

2. What is keeping you sane during these long winter months?

photo credit
creative commons license

Aw, bless her heart, Kimberly is making a very large, very kind assumption, isn't she? These days when I'm driving, whenever I approach a traffic light I find myself saying out loud "It's green. I can go", or, "it's red. I should stop. Stop now." I think it's safe to say my sanity is tenuous at best. As far as what's keeping me from going all the way around the bend, likely running a red light and causing a multi-vehicle pile-up in the process, I would have to say, in no particular order: meal planning, treadmilling, and binge-watching The Shield and marveling that this Michael Chiklis is also this Michael Chiklis, as well as being profoundly grateful that I don't live in Farmington, New Mexico. And cheetos. Which kind of negates the treadmilling. And hanging on Twitter with Nicole and Hannah. Which keeps the cheetos in check, more or less.

3. If you were on a boat with a box of chocolate and your Mother In Law, who would you throw overboard?

I used to think the mother-in-law cliché was just that, and only that. The experiences of several of my friends have shown that it is a stereotype for a VERY GOOD REASON. My own mother-in-law, however, HAD one of those stereotypical bitchy mothers-in-law, and she, therefore (somewhat, although I think she would have been great anyway), is beyond reproach in all our dealings. She gives me awesome presents, compliments me on my parenting, and doesn't make backhanded comments about my weight (my friend's mother-in-law gave her a coupon for a hip-slimming girdle. DO YOU EVEN WHAT THE FUCK HOLY HELL CRAPNUTS). I love her. 

4. What’s in your underwear drawer besides underwear?

Nothing. There's A-list underwear and B-list underwear. Does anyone NOT have B-list underwear? I'll know we've made it when the whole drawer is filled with A-list underwear.

5. Do you trust yourself with sharp objects near your face? (as in, do you pluck your own eyebrows? Do you have any eyebrow horror stories?)

photo credit
creative commons license

I make a half-hearted attempt at plucking my eyebrows now and then - mostly they're a disaster. And, not to sound like I'm trying to top Hannah's story, but I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING, and THAT was when I discovered that, no matter how much they say they're using the wax for sensitive skin, I can't get my eyebrows waxed without burn marks. Happily, my wedding make-upper was skilled enough to fix things for the wedding, but I had big ammunition against my mother, who had coerced me into getting it done. A few years ago I had Angus at First Choice for a haircut, and the woman cutting his hair looked at me and said "you know we wax eyebrows here, right? I can do it today. Really. Go in the back and sit down." Hmph.

6. I am terrified of dead bodies, spiders, and the dentist. What are you scared of?

Dead bodies? Pfft. Spiders? Whatever. The dentist? WELL OBVIOUSLY, dentists are TERRIFYING. Alphabetically? Answering the phone. Bats. Cantaloupe. Dancing. Earwigs. Flying squirrels. Germs. Helmets (lice). Public speaking. Spin class. 

7. Does your husband cut up the back of your legs with his long toenails when you sleep?

No. But the other night he had a Guinness at my parents' house in the evening, forgetting that drinking beer in the evenings is generally inadvisable at this point in his life. At one point he farted so loudly he woke HIMSELF up. He turned over, looked at me reading beside him, wearing a less-than-impressed expression, and said "I'm bringing sexy back?"

8. Are you wearing nail polish? 

Before our trip to the Dominican, my mom took Eve and me for manicures and pedicures. It was my first manicure ever - a French gel manicure. It was nice, but then two of the nails on my right hand tore further down than the ever have, way below the quick, which was incredibly painful. I know correlation does not equal causation, and I probably wasn't going to get another manicure anyway, as a neurotic hand-washer and improper fingernail-user, but this makes me doubly disinclined. My toenails are a lovely lavender with swirly designs. 

2013 - Year in Review

I lifted this list shamelessly from Hannah a couple of years ago and it's always fun to fill in. As she pointed out, it's targeted at younger folk than us (what isn't these days other than denture cream and incontinence products?), but whatever.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you've never done before? I watched my son hit two home runs in the Little League World Series. I still can't quite believe that happened even while I'm typing it. I also backed full steam behind into a sign and cracked off half my bumper - I've never actually been in a car accident, so I guess for a first that was a lucky one, and I felt like a humongous jackass but the world didn't end. I watched a full season of a show with my son - it was a borderline-inappropriate-for-his-age show about the apocalypse and zombies, but still, it was a fairly moving experience. I also drove a vanful of gigantic volleyball players around the city on a regular basis.

2. Did you keep your resolutions for 2013 and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions, not for New Year's anyway. Living with anxiety and being on the self-sabotaging side, it just feels like setting myself up for failure. I have the same resolution I always do: try to be more healthy, more productive, plan meals, get exercise, laugh like an idiot with my family and be a kind, gracious, generous and loving presence in the world. With a touch of snark so people still recognize me.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? After years of baby-drought as my immediate cohort and I watched our children grow and our eggs shrivel, there are babies bustin' out all over. My friend Susanne didn't quite pop in 2013 but she's due any day, and she lives much closer to us now, yay! and Cynthia had Rose, who graces us with her presence on a fairly regular basis, which is cool because her presence ROCKS.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, but Matt's Grandpa is dying. We visited on the 28th, and I sat beside him and held his hand, and when he muttered "rub my head, would ya" I did. He was wrapped up and small and looked like he could dissolve into sparkling molecules and float out the window. Of course it doesn't happen like that, does it? He's had a long, rich life full of love and people and magnificent experience, but we love him, and we are sad. He kept saying "oh, I have to go", and as much as we want him to stay, we know that it's true.

5. What countries did you visit? None. Oh, duh, the US for the LLWS. And I went to Toronto and Barrie. What people did I visit would be a better question: Zarah, her kids Alex and Sophie, Nicole and Hannah and everybody else at Blissdom Canada, Matt's dad and his brother Jeremy, Matt's other brother Eric and his wife Sarah and their kids Timothy and Fen in Edmonton at Easter, Matt's aunt Kate and Uncle Fraser. Plus I'm leaving for the Dominican tomorrow with my sister and her family and my mom and dad. I'm a horrible traveler, but a great visit-er.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Maybe the ability to remember that it's 2014 before September? I don't feel like I lacked for much in 2013. A part-time job would be good, but I'm probably a year off from that yet. The sleep thing isn't solved yet, but whatever, can't have everything.

7. What date(s) from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The day Eve and I were visiting Alison and her girls and watching the Canadian Little League Major finals in Glace Bay on the computer, the game that B.C. was supposed to win, and we won instead. The days Angus played baseball in front of thousands of cheering fans and then got mobbed by autograph seekers, and then we watched him get interviewed on tv. Also, the day I smoked pot in a hot tub was pretty cool.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? This wasn't a huge achievement year for me. In the "things normal people would just consider normal" category, my husband says he was pleasantly surprised and admiring of the fact that I handled all the baseball craziness this summer without going insane and dragging the rest of my family along with me. I also got 88% on a Basic Computing exam that I wrote at Algonquin, even though it took me 20 minutes to locate the first part of it online and THEN I realized that the second part was open book, which I hadn't known and so was without the book. AND I did it without disturbing the other exam-takers with either loud sobbing or hysterical giggling. Also, I was just thinking that this year we got decorated for Christmas early in December, I broke out my Christmas music nice and early and got to listen to it a lot, I did as many Christmas cards as I felt like and then stopped without undue guilt, and presents were all bought and wrapped well before December 23rd. I also had fun baking and ended up with just enough stuff. It was a really nice, low-key, low-stress Christmas.

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting myself on a regular sleeping schedule and not succumbing to the temptation to read until 4 a.m. on a regular basis. I started Weight Watchers last January and got into a good routine of meal-preparation, not snacking mindlessly and exercising. I've kept up the exercising, the the meal-prep and not eating crap went out the window around July and hasn't fully come back yet. I lost ten pounds when I probably should have lost at least twenty, and a couple of them have come back. I won't be rocking a new bikini in the Dominican. I will be roasting many vegetables and making meal plans again when we get back. And NOW I've become a big fat stupid cliché by making WEIGHT LOSS one of my biggest FAILURES of the year. I should have stuck to the first one, which could be one of those fake complaints about yourself, like when they ask you your worst quality on a job application and you say "I just CAN'T STOP WORKING, I'm TOO responsible!" I read all night because I love knowledge to an unhealthy degree! This extra weight on my ass is just the weight of existential pondering! Okay, I'll stop.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I got the flu just after our fabulous family staycation downtown at a hotel during Winterlude. I had gotten the flu shot, but either it was a different strain, or it would have been worse without the shot, in which case I think I'd be dead. I did get a fairly amusing blog post out of it. Other than that, my feet, my back and my knee all played up occasionally, but nothing too severe.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A treadmill. We kept putting it off because of the expense and the space concerns. Then I said to my husband that I thought that was kind of stupid - if we'd had a heart attack and the doctor told us we absolutely HAD to get one, we would. I walk and use the gym like crazy in the fall and spring, but in the winter I don't have footwear that doesn't murder my feet or the balance to walk outside and if I get depressed I don't go to the gym. So we sucked up the expense - the end-of-summer sales at Canadian Tire were really good, fortunately - and once we put our minds to it it wasn't even hard to find a good space in the laundry room. I use it three or four times a week and I love it. Angus runs on it every now and then and Eve walks on it sometimes - when she's in the middle of a vacation Doctor Who-a-thon I often make her walk for one episode. I'm SO glad we did it.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? I talk about Eve a lot on this blog, so I hope I get a pass for stuffing this post full of the Little League World Series. Even before they went, I was driving Angus out to visit his teammate Jack and we were talking about how everyone on the team, even when they were being celebrated and interviewed and applauded, was just a really nice kid. When we went to someone's cottage for the afternoon or out for dinner after a game, they've always been polite and considerate. The coach was also amazing - self-deprecating, fair, and more occupied with loving the game than winning. I was so proud of all of them. And just to be fair, Eve was an awesome team little sister. Everyone still talks about her comment after the loss to Chinese Taipei: "just remember - it could have been B.C. here losing that game instead of you."

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Rob Ford springs immediately to mind. Also, The Governor was a complete asshole.

14. Where did most of your money go? To Williamsport, birthplace of Little League baseball. And Loblaws. And the Toyota Collision Centre.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Meeting and squishing Nicole and Hannah in person, then having a blast making fun of Eric Alper, hoovering up snack mix, gossiping in the hot tub and getting silly drunk before partying in our pjs. (I'm not just putting this above Little League World Series stuff to suck up to them, either. 'Excited' isn't really the right word. My status on Facebook after they won the game that meant they were going to Williamsport was: Holy fuck. They won.)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2013? None, because I never remember what year a song came out, or what Olympics anyone won anything in, or what year my kids were born, or how to empty the sink trap in my bathroom (oh wait, I've wandered off-topic). Plus, Hannah picked Inner Ninja, so now the only song I can think of in answer to any question involving a song is Inner Ninja.

17. Compared to this time last year you are: Remarkably unfrazzled considering I'm getting up at five (hate getting up early) to go to the airport (hate airports) to check my luggage (always feel like I should just bid the luggage a fond farewell) and then fly (hate flying) to the Dominican (never been, but I probably won't hate it after the first miserable post-travel-trauma day). Christmas and my anxiety meds have been good to me this year, it seems. (Please don't let my luggage get lost).

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I could say exercising, or writing, or being awake, but really, that's a mug's game, isn't it? I'm wary of wishing to change the past, and you should be too - has A Sound of Thunder taught us NOTHING, people?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Well, being anxious, but who knows, maybe if I was calmer it would have caused a tornado in Texas or something.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? It was a long, fairly quiet, luxurious stretch of days in this house. My sister and her crew usually come, but since we're going away together so early in January they didn't. A couple of times I wished we had more company, but we hung out with my parents and had our Christmas party with a bunch of friends, and saw Matt's aunt and uncle and grandparents in Brockville, and did a lot of loafing and movie-watching and reading too, which everybody really seemed to need, and it was wonderful. And now we have a warm week with family before heading back to reality. Also, Eve's been taking care of next door's hamster, who is named Stewie after the evil baby in The Family Guy. So, you know, every Christmas is pretty much the best Christmas ever, but really - BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013? No. Wait, when did I get my new fridge? No.

22. How many one-night stands? We're not counting the fridge? Then none.

23. What was your favourite tv program? The Walking Dead. I totally never watch The Vampire Diaries, so that's definitely not a close second.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you don't hate last year? I try really hard not to hate, and my life is blessedly free of things like land theft and genocide so far, so I don't really have cause to.

HA ha, listen to me trying to sound all evolved and Zen. I hate people ALL THE TIME. The asshole driving too slowly in front of me. The parents who don't talk to me at the school barbecue. The dumbasses who run my internet and take sinister delight in making my wireless signal crap out just when I need it most. My husband when he says "is there room in the freezer up here for this, or do I have to put it downstairs" when I'm all the way across the room and he's STANDING BESIDE THE FUCKING FREEZER. I'm a big prickly hate-ball. But not right now.

25. What was the best book you read? You'll have to wait until next week for that. I'll be telling you while fabulously tanned. Feel free to hate me.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? That a bowl and a spoon to bang on it made Rose happy for hours.

27. What did you want and get? A treadmill. A party on my birthday. Angus saying "love you" before bed BEFORE I said it to him. Lots of books. Many hugs. A cheeseburger.

28. What was your favourite film of this year? That would require remembering all the films I saw this year. I need a Goodreads site for films. Is there one? I liked The Life of Pi much more than I thought I would. I just looked at a "50 top movies of 2013" list and I've seen two of them - maybe that's why I'm having trouble. Les Mis was in there, and I loved that, but I'm pretty sure I saw it in 2012, so I feel like it's a cheat, but I'll go with it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 43, and we had a party here and there was music and talking and laughing and baby barf and pear margaritas and impromptu ice cream making and my whorehouse glass. It was marvellous.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Look, I keep telling you I don't think it's useful to wish..... oh fuck it. Being able to fall asleep and wake up without it being a whole big thing. Without feeling like waking up is like dying or being born every single day. That would be good.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? Dunno. Flowy. And I always wear jewelry now, which is funny. I never used to at all, and now if I leave the house without a necklace and a bracelet on, I feel momentary panic when I realize it. I forgot to wear my good-luck swirly necklace to one of Angus's games in Casselman and I was worried that would jinx them.

Ha.

32. What kept you sane? My friends, in the computer and around the corner. Drugs. My doctor. My husband. My kids (when they weren't driving me the other way).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Idris Elba. See Hannah's post for further reference.

34. Which political issue stirred you the most? Whichever was happening at the moment. I have a short memory.

35. Who did you miss? Nicole and Hannah after I met them in person and they were infuriatingly awesome. Dammit.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Nicole and Hannah for meeting for real, but the bestest and newest? Rose, duh.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013? I don't know. Maybe that sometimes you have to let your kids fail big and you can't make it any better for them. They have to find their own way through it. (See: Little League World Series, Canada vs. Panama. Ouch. Right after the game, I asked him if he wanted to punch me, hoping to lighten things up. It didn't work. We told him to go ahead and cry and take the time he needed. The next day I texted him that if he wasn't the kind of person who didn't hate losing, he wouldn't be here. I don't relate to that personally, but if I'm going to be his mother I have to understand it).

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? I hear every word that you say / Taking it in like an old fairy tale/ Though for better or worse and the promise of verse/ you make it seem real, like it's all here to stay/ But see how the wind it blows/ All the birds scatter and I'm out here alone/ You say I know your favourite song and I'll sing you back home.

Love to all. Four-star books next week!

Ten Books

The lovely, talented, sweet-as-toffee-pretzel-bark and ever-so-bendy Nicole decided we should take this Facebook meme to the blogosphere. I have a tendency to overthink these things (I'm sure you never would have guessed) so I've been avoiding it on Facebook, but here it is three days since I've blogged AGAIN, it's 9:30 p.m. and I'm waiting for white chocolate and coconut to firm up enough to scoop into truffles, and who am I to look a gift meme in the mouth?

So. Ten books that have stayed with you. Ten books. Jesus. According to Goodreads I've read about 1500 that I've remembered/been willing to admit to. And these days even the things that stay with me don't stay with me, my memory being like....like... you know, that thing you use to sift flour and shit. And, unlike Nicole, I'm not a great rereader - not because I don't think rereading is a wonderful and worthwhile enterprise, but because I'm always feeling like I have to forge ahead in the name of shortening to TBR pile. But I'm trying to change that.

Anyway. Without poring over my list on Goodreads or looking at my bookshelves (until the list was done), I scoured my memory for books that made a deep impression, and this is what I've come up with. My pictures won't be as great as Nicole's either, because I don't own all of them (why don't I own all of them? Cripes, I own all the OTHER books in the world).

The Front Runner
I found this on my parents' bookshelf when I was around ten. I don't THINK I read it just for the sex, but I honestly don't remember well enough to swear to it. I didn't know then that it was, according to some, "the most popular gay love story of all time", or that it was, in the words of some reviewers "so.....extraordinarily bad". But I do think it went a long to way towards laying the foundation for my positive feelings about homosexuality. I remember the love story more than I remember the sex, and I remember feeling outraged about the bigotry and hatred that they had to face, especially because the people, and the love story just came across as so....normal. Despite my rereading project, I think it might be best if I let my rosy memories stand and avoid revisiting this one.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich
I read this in graduate school (in, not for) and I would pair this with One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch by Solzhenitsyn as classics that I read and actually felt like I got it. Okay, not necessarily got "it", but got SOMETHING, rather than feeling like a giant hoax was being perpetrated on me by the Western canon. There's a scene in Ivan Ilyich where the old man is lying in pain in his dark room and sees a light under his door and feels hope that the household is waking up and someone will come in to comfort him, and then the light goes out and he realizes that the last person has just gone to bed and he has to suffer through the entire night alone; this scene just gives me chills.

Bel Canto 
Read this for book club a few years ago. Blown. Away. I have trouble remembering the plotlines of books I read two weeks ago, and yet almost every moment of this story is burned into my mind. The heat. The fear. The moments of passionate connection. The episodes of farcical comedy. The heartbreaking conclusion. And I am ready to argue my point of view with anyone who thinks the ending is stupid, although I won't because of spoilers.

The Diaries of Virginia Woolf
Started reading these in university. I don't know how she had the time and energy to write such brilliant, sensitive, insightful, reflective prose in a diary and still write all the other things she became famous for (which, if I am totally honest, I still admire less than the writing in the diary, although I think reading the diaries made me more receptive to Mrs. Dalloway).

The Fionavar Tapestry
I love this trilogy so much it has pride of place beside my ugly childhood lion bank. Zarah recommended it to me in university as a great story with characters you fall in love with. It has love, courage, loyalty, tragedy, sacrifice, and it's just a thumping good read.


The Edible Woman or Lady Oracle or Cat's Eye or Surfacing
I can't decide. They all made a fairly deep impression on me. I did scenes from The Edible Woman for my drama solo in grade ten and it got me the drama award even though my teacher used to shake his head in sorrow every time I tried to do anything else in the class (I couldn't say four words without bursting into hysterical giggles).

The Hobbit
A female relative (by some tortuous Polish lines of descent) who I adored lent me this when I was quite young. I did love the story (I never managed to make my way through the Lord of the Rings trilogy) but more than that, it was the first time an older person gave me a book that was targeted towards older people and clearly thought that I was ready for it. This was in marked contrast to the woman at the library who wouldn't let me take out books without my dad coming to pick me up and approving them all first.

A Swiftly Tilting Planet

I loved A Wrinkle in Time and all the other Madeleine L'Engle books in this series, but this one in particular struck me with the force of its imagery, and its belief in the transforming power of family, hope, and literature. My L'Engle experience is also the exact inverse of my Woolf experience - reading L'Engle's journals was interesting but really took the shine off of her as a person for me, whereas I adore every work of fiction by her that I've ever read. Subsequent biographical information I've come across about her was completely devastating - I would have much preferred to keep my illusions in this case.

Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus
I read this before I knew any of the distressing facts about Orson Scott Card that I know now. Finishing it was like emerging out of some beautiful dream world. It completely submerged me in the beautiful dream of being able to go back and change things, make them turn out right this time, and the detail and thought that went into constructing the new reality was fascinating. I recognize that it's naive in a way, and that there's every chance that even if we COULD do this kind of thing we would just end up buggering it up in the same or new horrible ways, but I was completely transported by the fiction anyway.


To Kill a Mockingbird
I love what Nicole said - Harper Lee never wrote anything else, and why would she? My tearing-up moment is when Atticus is confronted by the angry white men at the jail and Scout derails them by talking to them about their children, and after they've left another man speaks up and says "had you covered the whole time, Atticus". I had a cat named Atticus. My sister had cats named Scout and Boo. And it strikes me now that I should be bitch-slapped for not rereading this every two years or so. My dad read it again a few years ago and gave me his old copy, but I'm not sure where it is right now.

How Deep is Your Love? How Full is Your Life? What Colour is Your Parachute?

Nan started the ball rolling by charting her own life against a "The 50 Ways to Live Life to the Full" list from the Daily Mail site; Nicole did it too. I just looked at the actual site and realized I was laboring under a misconception; I thought that some editors or columnists had compiled the list, which reads as incredibly skewed towards privileged, neurotypical, able-bodied (but probably overweight) people. It turns out the list was actually generated from a survey of 2000 adults - presumably mostly privileged, neurotypical, able-bodied mostly overweight adults, but it still lessens my ability to be snarkily contemptuous of whoever wrote the article. And hey, we all know I love a good meme, especially on a baseball night. And what if there's an easy way to live life to the full (is that even grammatically correct? Is that a British-ism? It bugs me) and I'm missing it? That would suck.

1. Stop worrying about money

Okay. Do you think the grocery store takes Pokemon cards?

2. Stop worrying about what other people think

I would. Except for that thing where sometimes I think I'm a worthless pile of monkey-snot and then my friends tell me I'm actually quite nice and fairly intelligent and even fun to have around. Am I just supposed to disregard what other people think if it's bad? Look, if my ass looks huge I want to hear about it. It's not like I can look at my own ass.

3. Take two holidays a year

I go to visit Zarah every fall. I'm going to Toronto to see Book of Mormon in a couple of weeks. I think I'm going to Blissdom next October. I'm nothing BUT holidays, baby.

4. Enjoy little comforts in life

Pam and I picked up warm tortillas from Lone Star today, plus filled her trunk with booze. Also, sometimes I don't buy recycled toilet paper.

5. Experience different cultures

Uh... I love curry. The kids and I learned an aboriginal dance at Turtle Island. Eve did Irish dance, but she said it was "really really boring - you just keep doing the same thing over and over again". I saw a Japanese ballet once and didn't hate it. My husband ate horse sashimi and didn't barf. Actually, he travels all over the world - can I just let him experience the different cultures?

6. Work to live rather than live to work

But what if you love your job? Then working IS living because you're doing what you love. And who the heck works like crazy if they DON'T love their job? Oh, wait, my husband, because I'm a neurotic drain on the family resources. Move along, nothing to see here.

7. Pay off all debts

Uh, how do we do that without worrying about money? We paid off our mortgage early, but that was because we were sitting on a buttload of stock options and decided to invest some in our house when Angus was born instead of getting greedy and hoping they'd go up more. It turned out to be a sound decision (hear the sound of the tech bubble bursting ten-ish years ago? It was right after we paid off our mortgage). 

8. Be true to yourself

And false to everyone else? Seriously, what does this even mean? 

9. Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don't have

This one's not bad. Unless what you don't have is a job. Or a liver. Or a sense of humour. Then concentrate on what you don't have.

10. Use money on experiences rather than saving for a rainy day

This kind of reminds of when I saw Tommy Lee on American Idol, saying in a stupefied monotone "You just hafta decide whether you're gonna go with your heart or your gut, and I always go with my gut", and I thought "Wait, isn't it supposed to be the heart or the HEAD?" If this one had said "use money on experiences rather than stuff", I might have been inclined to agree, but saving for a rainy day, as in "a day when life rains down job loss, car trouble, catastrophic furnace failure or catastrophically bad dental genes" is also crucial.

11. Make time for family and friends

I do. Then again, I don't have a full time job. Maybe if you do, you're perfectly justified in only making time for Patrick Dempsey and Idris Elba in your off hours.

12. Try all types of food

Nah. I'm forty-two. I'm pretty confirmed in what kind of food I find enjoyable. I don't consider having to suppress my gag reflex necessary in living life to the fullest.

13. Find true love

I already mentioned Idris Elba. Oh wait, my husband? Yeah, he's great too.

14. Travel to at least 25 different foreign countries

The U.S., Cuba, Jamaica, England, Germany, France, Morocco. Huh. My husband's been to China, Japan, Singapore and Australia. That's still only eleven! Cripes, what is this, living your life to the fullest while being a fugitive chased by Interpol?

15. Go outside more

Yeah, okay, I guess. I have allergies and walking on the ice hurts my back and my anxiety. I have to sit and watch Eve's team's excruciatingly bad softball games once a week. Feeling like my life is fuller already.

16. Learn a new language

I learned French in school, beginner's German in university, and last year I learned MARC programming. Eve's well on her way: The other day she came in and said "Bongiorno, Maman". Matt said "any more languages you'd like to tack on there?" and she said "Sarcasm?"

17. Be well thought of by family and friends

So, develop the ability to control people's minds? Sounds fun, I'm on it. You love this blog! Tell all your friends!

18. Help a member of your family out when they really need it

My mom can't figure out the library hold system, so I request her books for her, pick them up and deliver them to her. Plus I gave her my kidney that one time. No I didn't. What if they don't really need my help? Am I supposed to precipitate a crisis just so I can leap in and save the day? Oops, sorry I broke your leg. Let me fetch you some tea!

19. Lose a stone in weight

Nicole informs me that a stone in fourteen pounds. This is a pretty specific one. I have, in fact, recently lost almost a stone (twelve pounds). It was indeed an intoxicating experience. In fact, I enjoyed losing that last two pounds so much that I've done it two or three times. But this is sort of oddly specific and kind of sad - obviously everyone shouldn't be losing fourteen pounds, and the notion that losing fourteen pounds would mean living your life to the fullest sounds like a failure of imagination to me.

20. Treat each day like it's your last

So, down a bottle of tequila, kiss my children a tearful goodbye, and track down and force-kiss Eliot from Leverage? I'm not sure this is sound advice. 

21. Visit all of Britain's historical landmarks

But this is for British people, right? So am I supposed to visit all of Canada's historical landmarks? Enh, Canada's not that old. Shouldn't be hard.

22. Book an impulsive last minute holiday

Ha. This goes along with "live every day like it's your last", right? Because if I booked an impulsive last-minute holiday it WOULD be my last day, because I'd die of anxiety. 

23. Volunteer for a good cause

I'm at my kids' school every second damned day. Do you have any idea how many books would go unshelved if not for me? I spent nine hours on my feet for Word on the Street one year even though I had to CALL someone I didn't actually know on the PHONE in order to volunteer - actually I'm not sure Word on the Street has been held in Ottawa since; hope I wasn't directly responsible. I work the barbecue at baseball tournaments. I keep trying to give blood, but nobody wants mine. 

24. Take up a challenge

I submitted blog posts for Blogging Out Loud Ottawa. Twice. I thought THAT was enough of a challenge, but when they actually went ahead and picked me to then read said posts out loud, in front of people, I did that too. Introvert. Anxiety. You do the math. Hmm, I don't think Lynn is holding Blogging Out Loud this year. Hope I wasn't directly responsible. I think challenging yourself on a fairly regular basis is actually instrumental in living a full life. I think periodically eating ice cream and watching Luther and leaving the challenging stuff to other folks is also instrumental in living a full life.

25. Go on safari

Huh? Pass.

26. Blow a load of money in one shopping trip, just because you can

I was about to storm off in a huff, but then I remembered that when Angus was about six months old and Matt and I hadn't been anywhere for months, we left him with my parents and went downtown to the Rideau Centre. We bought Matt some badly-needed new business clothes and we bought me sexy black boots and a dress which he then made me change into behind our truck in the parking garage. We went out for dinner and our credit card was declined, so we paid with our debit card. When we got home and called the credit card company they said they had just been concerned because of the unusual activity on the card. We burst out laughing, high-fived each other and said "We stole our own credit card!"

27. Learn a new instrument

I learned piano. For me it was great. For some people? Not learning an instrument is just a kindness to the world.

28. Be married for longer than 20 years

Seventeen and counting for me, but way to piss off those single people that are already pissed off with everything being targeted at married people. 

29. Have enough money left for the grandchildren to enjoy

Who says I'm going to have any? Won't I look silly if I have all this money left and no grandchildren? 

30. Start a family

Again, works for me, but not for everybody. 

31. Earn more than your age

Forty-two? Forty-two what? Forty-two dollars? Got that covered by the stuff I've sold to the consignment store, although I guess technically those clothes were paid for by my husband's earnings, so it's not really mine. Forty-two thousand dollars? Pretty sure that even if I get a library tech job, that ain't gonna happen. Forty-two outsized compliments from my children about how beautiful I am, how fabulous at ordering baseball hats online, how marvellous at cooking curried chicken? Now we're talking. 

32. Have a pet

Remember how I killed Eve's fish? And her hermit crab? And her best friend's bird? I don't think any more of God's creatures should have to give their lives so I can live mine more fully. 

33. Drive a really fast car

I did. It sucked.

34. Travel alone

I did. It rocked. 

35. Be able to keep the kids on the straight and narrow

Straight and narrow? Wouldn't it be more badass to set them on the crooked and wide?

36. Meet strangers

I do. Constantly. Strangers love me. I help them find salt. I tell them how to eat a kiwi. I help them work the parking machine. And stuff like this. I agree - being open to meeting and interacting with strangers makes for a fuller life. 

37. Move away from home to an unfamiliar place

Yup.

38. Have a one night stand

Done. Back in university. In a half-hearted, Catholic kind of way. I'm counting it!

39. Pass your driving test

Took me a couple of tries. Goddamn, most of you didn't know that, did you?

40. Get a degree

Got two. Bachelor of Arts and Masters in Comparative Literature. That and four more years of one course at a time of Library and Information Technology might get me a job some day.

41. Rescue someone so that you're a hero for a little while

I rescue someone whenever I'm able. Sometimes I let other people rescue me too. Usually Pam.

42. Date someone exciting but completely wrong for you

I'm trying, but Eliot from Leverage has really good lawyers.

43. Get a promotion

I'll talk to the library tech I volunteer for and see if she'll bump me up to "EXTRA SPECIAL unpaid volunteer".

44. Reach the desired career peak by age 40

Well how do you know my desired career peak WASN'T the kind of job where you can wear yoga pants and have playdough in your hair and as long as all the kids are alive at the end of the day it's a win?

45. Have an all-night drinking session

Okay. They're fun. (Wow, the people who answered this survey don't get out a whole lot, do they?)

46. Perform something on stage in front of others

Blogging out Loud. And in university my girlfriend and I prepared and presented two scenes from Ionesco absurdist plays at an annual French Bistro night. It was really fun. Oh, plus, my other language was in play? Do I get double points?

47. Snog a stranger

In grade thirteen my girlfriend and I somehow got drafted to volunteer to work concession at a Beach Boys concert in Sudbury. Somewhat surprisingly, I had a blast. I wore my sister's navy blue tank top (which if you look at us now would make you HOWL with laughter, or dismay, or something) and a khaki skirt, and I had a bit of a tan, and I felt pretty, and all the male attention I got seemed sort of innocent and sweet rather slobbery and gross. At the end when the concession was closed, we were walking towards the stadium to watch the last bit of the concert, and a group of guys was walking towards us. One of them, as he was walking towards me, said "no, seriously, you and me?" and he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth and then let me go and kept walking. Many things told me then and tell me now that I should have been outraged and offended, but I wasn't. It just didn't have that feeling to it. Then there was that New Year's Eve in Saskatchewan, but that was less wholesome and let's just leave that be, shall we?

48. Plan a surprise party

Our best surprise party effort was for the same girlfriend I worked concession with. It was her birthday in grade ten or eleven. We switched her locker lock with my other girlfriend's so she wouldn't be able to open her locker and would miss her bus, which left before ours. We told her to come home with us and the other friend's mother would drive her home, then the party was at my friend's house. She was very impressed, and not at all pissed that we had made her think she was insane or amnesic, as, now that I think about it, some people might have been.

49. Embark on adrenaline packed activities such as sky diving or bungee jumping

....or talking to other parents when you pick up your kids at school! Or parking when there isn't a double space available! Whatever. I've gone ziplining. I know what's more adrenaline-packed for me.

50. Spend time with children, even if they're not your own. 

Or especially. Kids usually behave better for people who aren't their parents. Hey, let's all trade kids!

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So, I score.... call it thirty-one and a half. If my life was any fuller, I'd probably have trouble carrying it.