Oh THERE'S my navel (do you get it?)

For various reasons my mood is in a precipitous plunge right now. I did talk to Matt about it sooner than I usually do, which is uncharacteristically intelligent of me (not self-blaming really, we all know depression lies), but almost all of my friends have very real reasons for grief or struggle right now so the 'support in, dump out' model means that people I feel comfortable unloading on right now are a bit thin on the ground, and I worry about wearing out the couple I am leaning on. Spotlight on you! Ha ha ha, feel free to run in the other direction right now.

I am pretty close to maxed out on the antidepressants I'm on. This is worrying, because the booster has tended to work really well with each dose increase, and then things level out and start heading south again. I could switch, but that has traditionally been really difficult for me given that, when it comes to side effects, I am the one percent - I get all the ones everyone gets, plus the wackass ones that nearly nobody does and they only put it in the insert for liability issues. So this presents a bit of a problem.

Anyway. I thought I would take a moment to take stock of things I have managed to improve in the past couple of years, because although it feels like I've been standing still, I don't think I have, quite. 

1. I did ask for two dose increases in my antidepressant, which I have often been slow to do for... reasons? 

2. I found a good physiotherapist and have started to go regularly. I was stopping when my benefits were exhausted and waiting until they rolled over (ha, fun visual), but this led to a deep muscle seizing in the left side of my neck that has been really difficult to address, so I have booked monthly appointments going forward whether I have to pay out of pocket or not.

3. I have also booked deep tissue massages for every couple of months to use other benefits and maybe address the problems that have led to the physio. I tend to wait until I really need these services which is too late for them to be as effective as they could.

4. Exercise, which is chiefly walking and yoga right now. I was in a good gym routine until before Covid, when work kind of threw me off - I know some people manage to work full time and still work out regularly, and I admire those people but I am not them. Covid resulted in me either walking for miles at a time or sitting in a chair doing nothing for days. At this point I manage to do yoga or walk or both a few days a week, and if I don't, I notice it missing - not in that lovely "oh, if I don't exercise I'm all out of sorts" way that many people have, but in a sulky, churlish "goddammit, if I don't do something I will probably feel both achy and guilty so LET'S GO, I GUESS" way, which has the same result, basically. For a while the yoga kept a host of joint and muscle problems at bay, and if I had thrown in some physio I probably would be way better off than I am now, THANKS A LOT STUPID FORMER ME.

5. Not sitting down at the computer when I get home from work exhausted and just want a minute before preparing for the next part of the day. This resulted in aimless scrolling that was either pointless or harmful because it would lead into arguments with internet assholes - not that the odd argument with an internet asshole isn't a good opportunity to keep my witty insult skills sharp, but it has to be on my terms and not a compulsive thing. Now I get home, immediately go and take out my contacts and shower and put on comfortable clothes, then sit on the couch and do Wordle and Connections, then do some reading or writing and make dinner, and it feels much better.

There. That's not nothing. I have also been slowly staring a snail mail habit. Which leads me to the next thing I want to do, which is thank the people that have encouraged these changes. Sasha (HI SASHA) when I said I was waiting to go back to physio until it was covered again said (with love) that this was not smart, and in fact verged on very dumb. She was right. Collette (HI COLLETTE) said "are you going for regular massages?" and when I said no, managed to convey with a look that ... well, refer back to Sasha. Nicole (HI NICOLE) only didn't murder me when I started doing yoga only like fifteen years after I met her, the Poster Girl for yoga and its many many positive effects because she is a sweet, kind, gracious, non-murdering kind of friend. Engie (HI ENGIE) is a good snail mail example that I am striving to emulate. Yesterday I got a lovely card in the mail from my friend Rhonda (HI RHONDA) with a pin that she picked up at Williamsport at the Little League World Series this summer for the tenth anniversary of Angus's team going - so incredibly kind and thoughtful. Today I went for a walk and mailed back a card, which hits TWO things in my improvement cycle, whoo-hoo!

Also everyone who reads and/or comments here - no, comments and/or reads? No, it would be super weird to comment without reading, that's more a Facebook thing. Reads and occasionally comments, except Nicole who comments every time because, as I said, kind, gracious, generous, non-murdery, possible a little ocd? Oh! Blogging regularly is also a helpful thing I have been trying to do again. 

I would start a list of things I still need to be better at but that seems counter-productive to how much better this post has made me feel. It is a little self-absorbed, so, sorry? No, it's my blog, it's allowed to be. Thank-you? Yes, that's it. Thank-you!

Pictures of the pin and Lucy deigning to shoot a glance at me while in the midst of sticking her nose into everything at the speed of a hummingbird on cocaine. Ah, to be a dog in nearly-springtime.