Rambling

 Regarding Tudor's comment on yesterday's post: "if someone is a good person in all the ways that count materially, like if they treat everyone kindly and embody all the values I find important, then what benefit is there to calling them out on some objectionable views they might hold because someone they trust has told them something that they don't have the critical faculties to dispute? At that point, arguing with them is probably more about my own self-importance than any righteous cause." I hear this, and I understand this ... but it's really possible that those objectionable views are hurting other people. So that's where the dilemma comes in. I've met more than one person who is really nice and kind to my own daughter, but then will spout ignorant, unfounded, and wrong views about LGBTQ people, and those views are making the world a lot more dangerous for my daughter, so the good of being nice to her face is really undone by making it more likely that some person out there will feel entitled to use violence against her. By pointing this out, I'm not saying I handle these situations well, or that there is a "good" way to handle these situations. But they're not simple, that's for sure."

Yes, this is the crux of it in many ways. This is also why I've pushed myself to speak up even when it's uncomfortable, when I have spoken up. This is why when someone I really love and admire feels badly for a boy who posted a rape joke and then had his admission to Harvard revoked because 'he didn't actually do anything', I said 'didn't he, though? Didn't he contribute in a sizeable way to rape culture, by telling his friends and everyone who sees the post that rape is something funny?' This is why I sometimes push back against strangers who will likely never change their minds, on random posts on Facebook. Because I want people who are in the minority to know that some people with privilege don't feel that same hateful way. And I recognize that when I let the opportunity pass because I'm tired or just not up for it, that's also a privileged position to be in. This is a sticky, thorny topic that I will never get to the bottom of, but obviously we have to keep going back in. I speak up eighty percent more than I used to, and I'll keep trying for more. 

Pat - that sounds both wonderful and challenging. I don't necessarily mind hurting an asshole's feelings, but I have a horror of confrontation, and I don't trust myself to be articulate in the moment. I prefer email where I can get my thoughts together and pull on supporting sources. But I try not to let this silence me, because often the people I want to argue with do not have the same compunctions at all. 

I think the whole reason I started the first post is that at some point I thought something about a friend and then didn't like that I had thought it. There are some things that I think would end a friendship for me, but then there are slightly lesser issues where I don't want my opinions and feelings to harden. I've always said that one of the most terrifying things to me about someone is if they're absolutely certain about all their beliefs. I absolutely believe that everyone deserves human rights and the right to be themselves safely. I believe that no one should have fewer rights or fear violence because of their gender, sexual orientation, skin colour, religion, or (fill in if I've forgotten anything).  After that, there are millions of things that I believe but try to be open to discussing and taking on new information about. Sometimes as people get older, that agility of thought and openness lessens, and I want to be on guard against that. 

Regarding Engie seeing it as a failing on her part that she doesn't watch much tv - I mean, Engie, what? You really wouldn't have time for all that exercising and reading and dog-walking and goal-tracking that you do that I wish I did if there was more tv. I don't think watching tv is a moral failing, but I also don't think 'watch more tv' is something anyone needs to aspire to. Besides, if Nicole is right about life being a zero-sum game, then more tv for me, right? 

This leads me to one of my favourite anecdotes about my dear friend Margot (HI MARGOT, is it okay if I tell the story, I'm telling the story, I hope it's okay). We were all at a friend's apartment, and the tv was on. This was years ago, and there was a commercial for some Canadian beer, where people pulled up to a cottage at night in the summer, and drew lots to see who would get out and put flashlights on himself so the bugs would attack him while everyone else got the beer safely into the cottage.

Our friend C. was watching with a bemused expression, and after a delay said "OH, it's so the bugs will go to him" Someone else said "do you have a tv?" and she said "No!"

Now, the usual reaction is for everyone else to say oh, you're so much more evolved and cerebral and erudite than the rest of us drivel-swilling imbeciles. But Margot, bless her pragmatic soul, looked at C. and said "TVs aren't that expensive, you know."

And that's when I knew we would be friends forever.