Not Sure What to Call This

 Pat Birnie, my even-more-cherished friend now, and also the comment with the biggest whiplash turnaround - "I wondered where your post was" - OMG PAT, CAN'T A GIRL BOTTOM OUT FOR A DAY IN PEACE "like it's okay, but we want you to know that your posts matter!" WAHHHHHH THAT IS ONE OF THE NICEST THINGS ANYONE HAS EVER SAID, sorry for shouting, I am emotional.

I have a habit of thinking up slightly weightier things I might blog about in November, and then November is upon me and I haven't taken the time to marshal my thoughts, and because I have to post every day I tell myself I don't have enough time to tackle those posts. This is bull pucky. It's my blog, it's not a research paper. So today I am going to attempt a run at one of those topics.

I think I have mentioned that when I was younger I was a people-pleaser. I always felt awkward and worried that no one would want me around if I showed an iota of personality, so I was overly agreeable (to the point that that was probably more annoying, but anyway). I didn't push back even against things people said that I found objectionable, even if I had what felt like a good retort.

I have mostly grown out of that, especially with close friends. I am much less hesitant to call people out over statements that are racist or homophobic or misogynist, even unintentionally - not in a combative way, but I won't just let it go. In shorter interactions with people I don't know, I won't necessarily engage, but I will go stone-faced and stop being smiley and polite so at least they can't assume that I'm in agreement (like the lady selling me cupcakes who made a comment about school dress codes and how she was in favour of them because of some really messed-up reasoning about girls and their responsibility for boys' behaviour - I wasn't going to throw down in the cupcake shop, but she was going to know I wasn't on her side).

This kind of thing has led me to cut a few people out of my life - online mostly, where it was easier. And then recently I've been wondering - have I gone too far in the other direction? I mean, I know full well that I'm not perfect. Should I leave room for grace, should I consider that maybe people say things because they don't fully understand the implications, should I stay and try to be a moderating voice. 

The first unfriending was the daughter of very old friends of my parents. We went on vacations together and spent a fair bit of time together (her friends introduced me to the drugs that my friends never did, ha ha, unintended consequences mom and dad!) but the plain fact is we were together because our parents were - we never reached out to each other other than that. So we were Facebook friends when our kids were born etc. based on that. So I was a bit taken aback when she snarked at me about not getting in touch when I was in her town for a literal night and day for another reason, because "old family friends get together" - do they always, though? When they have zero in common anymore and they don't have to be attached to their parents now? 

I would have let that go, but on top of that there were some posts referencing Candace Owens (black woman conservative commentator who is anti-vax and, among other things, doesn't believe racism exists because she's never been a slave) and some long convoluted posts purporting to be by black people saying that white people have done a lot of nice stuff for them and are Quite Lovely Really. And when I questioned this, one of her other friends came at me with some vile stuff and she said nothing. So, hasta la vista baby, who needs this shit. 

The other main one was a friend from baby group who then moved far away and then less far away but still far. She was always very nice and complimentary about my kids and I was fine seeing stuff about hers. But she had a tendency to ramble on at length about politics and, although she was usually nominally on my side of things, would often throw in "not saying one side is better than the other"... excuse me? Very Fine People On Both Sides? Pick a lane, hon? The final straw was when we were arguing about why some people were rightfully wary of policemen, which led to an exchange about Not All Men (which usually involves me paraphrasing such articles as this one). Which resulted in her claiming I was calling my son a rapist.

I wasn't even angry at this point. I was a bit amused, and tired. I also had rarely unfriended anyone - I was sort of intimidated by the finality of it - and I wanted to try it out. So I did it, and it felt like not much of value was lost.

This is pretty low-stakes stuff, I know. But sometimes I wonder if it hurt their feelings, and if that was necessary. Could I not just have snoozed them for a bit? And I want to sort of monitor myself for it in real life. There are certain things that aren't mere differences of opinion, but I am also not the arbiter of all things moral, and I've always said that the most terrifying thing to me is someone who is Absolutely Certain of their position on everything. So I will continue on the speaking up when it seems necessary, but I will maybe not rush to evict people from my life who might be more misguided than bad. 

What do you think?

Comments

J said…
Hmmm. I generally snooze people that I disagree with, unless 1. I don't really know them anymore and/or 2. what they said is beyond anything I ever want to deal with again. So I might ignore that a woman I knew well when I was 8 calls Obama 'Obummer' and so on, but I would not ignore it if she said something racist about him or anyone else.

I have only unfriended a couple of people. One because he liked to pick fights with friends of mine in the comments of my posts. Another because her way of saying her 2nd amendment rights were the most important rights on Earth was to post a picture of herself joyfully firing a semi-automatic weapon right after the massacre at Sandyhook.

I have a couple of 'friends' that I wonder, 'why haven't I seen anything from X lately?' and then I go look and see that I have them snoozed. Then I look at their posts and see why. I just leave them that way.
November 19, 2023 at 3:27 PM
Swistle said…
I find this an interesting/conflicting issue, too. I finally unfriended a cousin on Facebook, because she was not going to stop making blatantly racist posts on Facebook, and I was not going to stop calling her out, and she was not going to stop letting her friends respond that really I was the racist one for seeing racism where it didn't exist, while she hit 'like' on those things, and I finally thought, "Wait. What are we DOING here" and unfriended her. She came after me for it, and my aunt seems to have disappeared from my life because of it, and I just don't know how this was supposed to go down. But I do know I couldn't sit there while she posted racist things, so...THEN what?

But, like, there's an older lady who was a loving mother type to EVERYONE when I was a kid, to the point of taking into her home MANY kids who needed it, and she still plays mother hen to a lot of kids my age and younger. She and I weren't even particularly close when I was a kid (I wasn't one of the ones who needed her), and she still reached out to me on Facebook when I was in my mid-thirties to say it seemed like I was sad and was there something bothering me? I was having a crisis at the time about not having any more babies, and I don't know how she sensed that, and I blubbered all over her and she told me she felt the same at my age and that's one reason she opened her home to so many kids. We all call her Miss Viv. And sometimes she re-posts things on Facebook about "Ped0 J0e B1den" and how Dem0tards think this or that nonsense. And I have not unfriended her. So.
November 19, 2023 at 4:36 PM
Nicole said…
There's just so much nuance and complexity for these things. On the one hand, I have never ever regretted unfriending people who were at best casual acquaintances. I think you remember the woman who I knew from the yoga studio who I did not unfriend for the longest time because I thought our paths might cross in person, and that would be awkward. She obviously read all of my posts/ blogs and never reached out except to be critical or negative: she told me that because I ran on a treadmill, I was not actually a runner, that kind of thing. I did unfriend and block her when she had a very negative thing to say about my son, I'm sure you remember it. I have never regretted blocking the woman who we both know who thanked Jesus for overturning Roe vs Wade. I never regretted blocking her sister who flooded IG with posts about "our new president kills babies." However. I very deeply regret my behaviour and attitude towards a very loved family member in what ended up being her last years on earth. I will never stop regretting it. She was an incredibly loving person to me and very important in my childhood as being the only adult who never made me feel like I had to "do better." She loved me unconditionally, and was encouraging in me being me, especially when I was going through myriad difficult times. And yet my behaviour implied that I myself loved conditionally, and I regret it constantly. I wish I had been able to recognize that anything I said would not have changed her mind about anything, but it changed our relationship. Now she is dead and I will never have the chance to make amends.
So! On that cheerful note, I guess it depends?
November 19, 2023 at 6:14 PM
Ernie said…
Pick a lane, Hon - well, that made me laugh. I don't do much on Facebook, other than look for babysitting jobs so I've not really gone down the unfriending path. I did send a rather sharp text last week to a woman and I don't regret it yet. She texted as if she was concerned about Reg's b-ball situation, but when I told her that if we could transer Reg, then Curly was transferring too, she started texting DON'T DO THAT TO CURLY. SHE'S CLOSE WITH HER TEAM. It went on and on, and it was very transparent. Her daughter is Reg's age and plays with Curly. She didn't give 2 shits about Reg, but she knew that if Curly leaves our high school the team will lose every game (this because our team only has like 7 players - not a lot of girls are interested in playing bball at our school). She texted me rules of the IHSA so I understood what would happen if Curly left the school.

I finally texted back DON'T CARE. And I pointed out that she was really only caught up in how this might impact her kid. I didn't get anything like HOW IS REG HOLDING UP? THIS IS AWFUL. HE DESERVES BETTER. She texted that I was being unfair. Really? Unfair or honest? I wanted to send a text pointing out what a shit her son had been to Reg after the other coach was removed, blaming Reg when really the coach was to blame for his behvaior. I ended up sending that text, with Mini's blessing, who was like HER KIDS SUCK. THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN GOOD FRIENDS TO REG. Havn't heard from her since. Oh well.

Sometimes people have to be reminded not to be ass holes.
November 19, 2023 at 7:50 PM
Life of a Doctor's Wife said…
This is such a good topic. As a people pleaser myself, and someone who is wildly conflict averse, I am still figuring out how to have a voice in the face of people saying things that bother me. Family members who are fatphobic and/or who talk constantly about weight and weight loss and body size is one area that is a constant source of inner turmoil for me and I am working on in therapy how to address it in a way that feels safe but also honest, if that makes sense.

One thing I find difficult is cutting people out. Even if they don't really serve a positive purpose in my life. There's a person in my circle, for instance, who I don't really like, and who has said a lot of borderline awful things and a handful of TRULY awful things, but for Reasons she will be in my circle for many, many years to come and so I feel like the best option (for me) is to just limit time with her and try to point out the areas where she is offensive when I can and otherwise just try to make nice. Is this the best option? Probably not.

Writing all this is making me feel kind of disappointed with myself. It feels bad either way -- if I don't step in and say something, I'm condoning the behavior... if I do step in, I'm creating conflict and causing problems. Ugh. Baby steps, though, right?

Which is all to say that I think sometimes it DOES make sense to just make a clean break. It does. And that relationships are complicated and every one is different and I think you just do the best you can. Which feels like a cop out, but there it is.
November 20, 2023 at 5:59 AM
Pat Birnie said…
What a shock to see my name as the first two words of your post…it’s just that no matter the topic you are always so funny & I like when people make me laugh. A then this post wasn’t funn Ly at all! but a great topic. I wouldn’t say I’m a people pleaser but I hate conflict and have worked very hard over the years to correct that when it’s the right thing. A couple of years ago my husband & I ran into a woman on our cottage road. He has known her for many years as he was friends with her late husband. I have known her only casually. First off she talks incessantly, like doesn’t take a breath. We stood there for 15 min listening politely until she started in on about BLM. I could tell where she was going and wasn’t going to stand there so I cut her right off and said, ok I need to go (I think I said ..to the bathroom but it was clear) and walked away. My husband was mad at me - said she was shocked and I was rude but I was proud that I stood up to her. The story was repeated by him to a few mutual friends and they all agreed with me - yay. As far as social media, if I don’t agree I just don’t engage or I “snooze” the person. We can’t fix the world sadly.
November 20, 2023 at 6:10 AM
Anonymous said…
Oh ... everybody has said it so well. The being torn. The knowing when to speak up. However, as to unfriending on social media - I would just DO IT. Honestly, most people will never know - the platform doesn't tell them - and if it's good for your mental health, then that's the only reason you need. If it's somebody who social-media stalks you, and figures out that you've unfriended them, you can just tell them you're taking a break for the sake of your own health and if they're a worthy friend maybe they'll consider their own behaviour ... but most of them probably won't. In which case the unfriending was the right move.
November 20, 2023 at 6:45 AM
VAXhacker said…
Yeah, that's a hard thing to do sometimes. I have a high tolerance for people who simply disagree with me, as long as they can be civil about it. Like what was said above, it's one thing to, say, criticize President Obama's policies or actions, but another to spew racist comments about him.

I've been really disappointed to see people I thought I new better not just having a point of view I disagree with, but to see them go so far into the wacky radical extreme with those views and not listen to any other information or facts that disagree with what they already have decided to believe.

The ones I've had to unfriend have been those who, even after me pointing out that some viral political meme they shared is not just objectionable or disagreeable to me but in fact was making specific claims that were demonstrably lies. Like showing a picture of one person and claiming it was of someone else, etc. And I thought, well, I'm sure they just posted a meme that resonated with them but now that they know that one was wrong, they'll be better informed... no, no... they just delete or ignore that info and keep sharing the same thing. Sigh.
November 20, 2023 at 11:51 PM
StephLove said…
I tend to unfollow rather than unfriend so I can change my mind at a later time ifI want, and at least once, I did. I think everyone I've unfollowed has been a relative and it all happened at the beginning of the Trump administration when I just couldn't with the gloating from extended family on both sides.

I've been unfriended a few times, once by an aunt (also in the early Trump years), once by someone I hadn't seen since middle school, and once by someone I'd never even met IRL. Because I have an unusual last name, sometimes people with the same last name friend me and we try to figure out if we have any family in common. Anyway, she unfriended me shortly after friending me. She was Catholic and very into it, so I kind of assumed it was because of the whole lesbian marriage thing.
November 21, 2023 at 5:51 AM
San said…
"Pick a lane, hon"... haha. That made me laugh because it's true.

I do not have a problem with people who have a different opinion, but if they believe in lies, if they're reluctant to listen or even entertain another point of view or are actively racist/rude/what-have-you, I am rather inclined to block or unfriend. I haven't done this often, but a couple of times when someone turned out to not be the person that I thought they were.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes they don't leave room for doubts.
November 22, 2023 at 1:36 PM
Anne said…
This is a tough one, for sure. I struggle, because I don't necessarily want to lose touch with people but I also cannot tolerate anything coming close to racism, discrimination, or, well, right-wing politics. But I also have family members whose political views are diametrically opposed to mine. So. I tend to just ignore - either informally (scroll quickly) or formally (hiding). Sigh. It's not perfect, but it's... ok?
November 23, 2023 at 4:03 PM
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