And to All a Good Night

I just sat here typing versions of Weakened, Week-end, Weekend, Week End, then had to google how you actually spell weekend, almost decided not to title the post at all, so here we are. I'm in one of those "but why on earth WOULD I blog right now?" periods, which is where not having much of a structure or schedule or.... here's where I talk myself right out of ever blogging again, along with spending half an hour trying AGAIN to figure out how to type accents on a Chromebook keyboard - raison d'̂etre - did I do it? I feel like the accent merged with the apostrophe. Resumé́? Is that right, or is it a speck on my screen? If it was, all it took was finally hovering the cursor over everything in my toolbar, which is a little embarrassing for me.

Eve is on her way home for study break with my sister's family. They got a bit of a late start so they're due to arrive at my mom and dad's at ten p.m. or later. Usually this wouldn't be an issue for me, the inveterate night owl, but at this time of year I like to go to bed at nine and read for four hours, so Matt is asleep on the couch downstairs and I am watching The Good Fight and doing some last-minute puttering for the week-end.

We've (okay, more properly, I've) been calling this Christmas 2.0 because the goddamned weather kept my sister's family from getting here at Christmastime. A few days ago I started baking and immediately felt panicky and exhausted. I think I might have triggered, rather ridiculously, some kind of fake Christmas stress. My friend Hannah (HI HANNAH) told me something incredibly helpful to tell myself at times like this: "I am excited, not anxious, but my body doesn't always know the difference". So I made myself take sitting breaks because my back gets sore when I stand for a long time, which adds to the panicky run-down feeling, and did some deep breathing.

I left a few Christmas decorations out and kept the Santa hats out for Eve and the cousins to wear, and it snowed again last night, and I have a tiny Christmas tree to put the presents around. I go back and forth between thinking this is whimsically hilarious and dumb and tacky. 

I interviewed for another library day at another school last week. I got it through my usual tactic - applying for weird little jobs nobody else wants and then not showing up naked at the interview. School board interviews are horrifically awkward - they give you some questions, give you fifteen minutes to jot down your thoughts, and then they have you answer the questions while they look down writing or typing rather than looking at you. This interview was the same, but the subtext was "please answer these questions but also just have a pulse". I know I'm not supposed to run myself down, and I'm not, really. I'm good at my job. Maybe not as good as I would have been if I'd done library technology right after my degree and started when I was younger - or maybe the depression and anxiety would have sucked all the joy out of it, I wouldn't have had the equanimity I've gained in the intervening years and I would have burned out on it early. 

So now I work on three different schools on three different days at three different starting times and I might have to have sticky notes on the door for a few months to avoid some embarrassing mishaps. I used to hang my key lanyard on the hooks by the front door because I liked how they looked hanging there, and grabbing them to pull over my head before leaving for work. You know what that results in? The keys looking great hanging on the hook while I'm at work in January in a snowstorm trying to badge the door open with no badge. This is okay at the school where I go to the front door because it just means the secretaries make fun of me. At my Monday school I can go in a side entrance, because the front entrance is a lot further from where I park, which only matters in the winter. I started keeping the lanyards in my work bag instead and that's had much better results.

I have successfully passed enough time that I should go brush my hair, put on a bra and head over to my parents' house where I will shortly be able to squish my daughter. A good Friday (not Merry Christmas, no one needs that pain in the ass) to all.


Nicole said…
Yay for Eve coming home. I hope it's a lot of fun.
Your jobs remind me of when I worked at three different studios with very different classes, and I always had to remind myself where I was going and what I was teaching.
Swistle said…
Oh I think the lil Christmas tree is not just fun but DELIGHTFUL and possibly ESSENTIAL!

I like that "this is excitement, not anxiety" thing; I have had some success with that as well.
NGS said…
One time I had three different teaching jobs and I thought I'd lose my mind. I feel your pain about the keys/id cards and keeping track!
StephLove said…
I'm glad you got to have a Christmas do-over. I remember you were disappointed when your sister couldn't come. I like the commitment to the holiday decor.
Ernie said…
Congrats on not showing up to the interview naked. I'm tired just thinking about baking for Christmas right now. That might be because I slept very little over the weekend while hanging out at Ed's college for mom's weekend. I hope the 2.0 is full of laughs and fun, as I know it will be. Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Busy Bee Suz said…
I'm sure Eve had a good time with your sister and cousins. I had to wipe the screen a few times, so never ask me about the accents. NO CLUE.
I 100% am going with whimsically hilarious for your Christmas 2.0 decor.
I don't know that I'd go well with three different locations and three different start times; you deserve a gold medal if you can do that for more than three weeks.
Sometimes I spend more time than I should trying to figure out if I mean "hear" or "here."

How have I never watched The Good Fight?!?!

YAY! You get to have your Christmas with your sister! I am so happy for you! The Christmas tree is perfect.

And I love "I am excited, not anxious." I am going to have to apply that to... things.

Your new schedule sounds very challenging, but a few weeks from now it will be easy breezy. Congrats on acing the interview!
Sarah said…
I love the delayed Christmas— fun to anticipate and stretch the season. I also love reading about college kids coming home. Not only does it make me feel tender toward my own students, but I get excited for this next chapter of our lives.

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