Day 30: Confetti! Fireworks! Rousing Big Band Music!

 "How are you doing all this posting?", asked Ernie? I DON'T KNOW, ERNIE. How did you manage to comment every day? Thank you fervently and gratefully and effusively, people who commented, although I know in my heart or hearts that even if you started out charmed by the daily missives, by the end you must have been muttering "oh great, another fucking Allison Post". 

What I SHOULD do, what I mean to do every November, is write mostly in the morning, write a few posts on days when I have more time and schedule them, and leave the evening for either polishing or commenting on other people's posts. What I ACTUALLY do is almost always leave it until the very last thing and then slouch to the computer with very bad grace to bang something out resentfully. And because I talk a lot about myself and my current mood here, this often just leads to a bunch of posts starting out with "UGGGGGHHHH, why did I think this was a good ideaaaaaa, *whale noises* (this is what Eve does when she has to do something she doesn't want to and I've adopted it, it's quite satisfying). 

Why do I keep doing it? Because sometimes even when I start out clunky and cranky, I end up writing something I like, something that I wouldn't otherwise have written, and if I didn't do things that made me cranky at the beginning I would never do ninety percent of everything I do (exercise, for one thing. And cooking. Almost everything except reading and eating, really). Sometimes I do it and it's hard and does NOT turn out that great, but that's okay, that's the way it goes sometimes. 

I worry about dying a lot. I tend to hypochondria, especially when I'm in a depressive episode. When I'm driving, especially long distance, I constantly have visions of crashing. When I settled into the routine of having a part-time job doing what I always wanted to do, with my kids at a really enjoyable stage, I worried that being happy would draw the evil eye, or that when I was finally learning that I could do stuff even while feeling half-crippled by my mental health it would be a really nice literary or cinematic device for something terrible to happen. 

This is dumb, not just because it's a waste of time to worry about what might or might not happen, but because I have been really embarrassingly lucky to have this life and this family and these friends, and really, why wouldn't I just be grateful for all of that instead of worrying about how much more there might or might not be. (This is not an epiphany. This is not a "from now on, I will..." statement. This is a screamingly obvious thing that I am required to learn over and over and over).

I am not a "positive vibes only" kind of person (try to conceal your shock). I don't think we should deny or shove down our feelings of pain or doubt or despair. But there's something to be said for not losing sight of what you have. 

Thank-you, Nicole and Steph and Ernie and Suzanne and Tudor and Pat (push-ups every day? Really? HUGE respect) and NGS and Kara and Swistle and Finola and Beach Mama and Sarah and Suz. I am going to end this with love and gratitude and try not to throw in any gratuitous references to butt plugs, which I trust will demonstrate the depth of my sincerity. 


the queen said…
Regarding visions of crashing: I once thought this was my anxiety, then realized the disaster visions only happen when I am bored silly. iI think your brain gets bored when you drive and throws in a crash or two to keep things interesting.
Nicole said…
You did it!!! Another one in the books *throws confetti* great job!!!
Ernie said…
You referencing my comment in this post is the equivalent of seeing my name in lights. Woot woot. I promise that I enjoyed every one of your posts. 'Try to conceal your shock' made me laugh out loud.

I've struggled with more than normal fears of crashing lately. I think I can trace it to a sad story that happened to the family of a friend of Tank's. Life would be more pleasant if we could avoid those disturbing mind disruptions.

I sometimes write a post when I have time, and then something happens that I want to write about and I bump the original post. This leads to me having posts in my drafts that I tend to ignore.

Congrats on pulling this off once again. Always fun!
Suzanne said…
You did it!!! Woo hoo!!!

I too have visions of crashing. (Also, because I have a recurring dream wherein my husband drives my family off a cliff, I also have visions of driving off bridges and winding mountain roads etc. Brains are fun.)

NGS said…
Every single time I get into a car I think about what an absolute act of faith it is. I'm assuming everyone else who is behind the wheel of a murder machine is paying attention, not about to have a heart attack, and knows what they're doing. It's really a miracle we don't all die every time we go get groceries. Or maybe that's just what neurotic, control freak people think.
Busy Bee Suz said…
You and me with the despair. Although I don't fear death, I fear being mangled beyond recognition, but inside I'm still me.
Weird? That's me.

You do have a lovely life filled with fantastic family and friends!

I read almost all of your posts but didn't have the time to always comment. I enjoy your writing, your silly self, and even the butt-plug references. I'm assuming those might be categorized on the silly side. 😳😜

StephLove said…
Hey, congrats. You did it again.

I actually started my blog in an attempt to reduce the amount of self-pity in my life once it became apparent my academic career had failed to launch and what better way to do that than cute stories about my kindergartener and baby? The stories aren't so cute any more but sometimes serve the same purpose.
Pat Birnie said…
Well done! I also have enjoyed these posts & am so impressed by 30 days done! Like Ernie I feel a wee bit famous....I promise they are not Military grade” pushups but not bad for an old broad.

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