Day 28: In Which I May Have Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew

 I keep going to title this post and realizing that I have almost certainly used every title that crosses my mind - "Crawling to the Finish Line": "I Think I Can, I Think I Can": Holy Fuck I Do Not Feel Like Blogging Tonight" - at this precise period in NaBloPoMos Past. 

I just realized that I didn't tell you about my teeth-cleaning experience on Tuesday. I also just realized that the bag of McIntosh apples I bought after that teeth-cleaning experience is still sitting on the table unopened and I'm afraid the precious, precious Macs will rot, so I had to lean over awkwardly and tear it open and spread out the apples before proceeding.

It was a very bad experience. It may have been my worse teeth-cleaning experience ever. I wanted to ask the hygienist if she had just wandered in off the street, tied up the actual hygienist and stuffed her (or him) in a closet and then grabbed a plaque scraper and waited for the next unwitting victim (me) to happen by. 

She wasn't mean, really. Just incredibly ham-handed and rough and lacking in any signs of emotion or finesse. Usually when I flinch drastically or my feet actually come up off the chair the hygienist will back off a little or murmur sympathetically. Not this chick. I have a very small jaw and my teeth are very close together, which doesn't make the tooth-cleaning work easy - except for Judy or Trudy or whatever her actual name was, who made no bones about grabbing my lip and pulling it out several inches or bracing her elbow against my cheek to get a better angle. No small talk, which is generally great with me, except she kept saying she was hungry, which maybe explains some things.

And also, fluoride! Wtf? She asked if I wanted fluoride and I sort of thought I must always get the fluoride. Isn't just a liquid that they paint your teeth with? She said you can eat or drink, but don't brush for four hours. And then she sprayed some kind of silly-string-adjacent abomination all over my teeth - like, there were actual bits in my mouth. I was freshly tooth-cleaned, everything should have been smooth and shiny and instead everything was lumpy and gross. 

I know it's a massive cliché that no one likes the dentist. What's to like, really? But I usually come home and feel like I'm going to burst into tears (or actually burst into tears) for a few hours after the dentist. This certainly did nothing to ameliorate that reaction. 

However, like the meme says, self-care isn't all about bubble baths and fuzzy cardigans and bullet journals - sometimes that shit is difficult and unpleasant. Also, dental care is a massive privilege, so I'm really only complaining to be humorous. Also, once I got the silly string off my teeth later that day they were smooth and shiny, so there's that. But our dentist's office is so over-booked at this point that it's really hard to request the hygienist you like (Anita, for me it was always Anita - she was very, very good with neurotic anxious clients). I might have to switch dentists. Oh! But I just thought of a post title that I don't think I've used before, and it's all thanks to Grudy or Frudy or whatever. What do you think? 


Suzanne said…
I love your post title and the text message. That sounds brutal. Like you my teeth are very close together and I have a small mouth but a simple cleaning doesn’t usually go off like a tour around the ol’ torture chamber. And… she *sprayed* on the fluoride??? Cleary a walk on hygienist. That sounds wrong and awful.

You (we) are so close to the end! You’ve got this!
StephLove said…
I saw the same dentist for thirty years, ever since we moved to DC and I really liked him and he retired last year. Beth, who went to the same dentist told me his replacement is awful so now rather than go through the hassle of switching dentists, I've just stopped going, clearly not a viable long-term strategy.

Nicole said…
I never get the fluoride because our insurance doesn't cover it and I figure we have enough fluoride in our toothpastes and water. Also, the last time I did it was that same weird experience, and my teeth were sticky. The sole benefit of a teeth cleaning is that your teeth feel so smooth and lovely after. STICKY TEETH ARE NOT PART OF THE PLAN. Remember when they used to put those little foam trays in your mouth with fluoride? My dentist obviously doesn't do that.
That cleaning sounds ROUGH. What is it with poking the gums? I mean, come on.
Ernie said…
I'm laughing with you here. Way too relatable. I also hate the fluoride treatment of days gone by. Why must we feel icky when we leave the dentist? This is progress? I know it's temporary, but it sucks. I do get that we are lucky to have our teeth cleaned professionally, but then I vote they bring in some professionals who are GENTLE.
Kara said…
I had to leave the dentist last time I went there. They had some terrible smelling air freshener, and it was really strong. To the point where it was triggering a migraine for me. I told the front desk I had to leave because of the smell, and they told me it would cost $50 to reschedule. I guess I need a new dentist.
Tudor said…
I've switched dentists twice in the last few years and it was SO WORTH IT. I now have a really nice dentist, who ADORES her job (like she talks about teeth and mouths the whole time, without expecting a response, and I've learned things like not everybody has hard ridges under their tongue - I'm *special*). And also, mainly, this is why I mostly love her - SHE DOESN'T UPSELL. My old dentist used to send out messages in December saying, "Call us and we'll help you find ways to use up your dental insurance allocation for this year," so I blame dentists for turning our insurance companies into such grumpy hardasses, because that's not what insurance was intended for.

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