No Horses Have Been Lost in the Writing of This Post

 I am sitting at my kitchen table beside a sliding door through which a beautiful fall day is visible. To my right on the table is a tape measure that looks like a square Pinocchio head, and pulling out the tape means his nose grows. Because it's so brightly coloured, I keep catching it in the corner of my eye and thinking it's my phone and I'm getting a text. This is silly and annoying and amusing.

I just didn't feel like starting yet another post with an explanation of why I haven't blogged for three weeks and an enumeration of all the events since I last blogged (although that's coming), so I went another way. 

What's been going on? Well for starters, does no one lock their cars anymore? I only ask because I have been out running errands and opened the door of my black SUV (which opens automatically when I have my fob in my hand, because I DO lock my door) and then had one ass cheek in the seat before realizing that THIS IS NOT MY VEHICLE on MULTIPLE occasions in the past few weeks. If the door opens, I assume it's my vehicle, but my memory is on life support, I am easily distracted, and there are a FUCKTON of black SUVs (SsUV?) out there. Once I only noticed I was in the wrong car because of a can of nuts in the centre console, and then I wondered what kind of a chump I am driving around with no nuts in the centre console, because come on, that is just a good idea. Sometimes it's only the lack of used kleenex piled behind the gearshift that tips me off (and if I clean it out, then I'm worried I'm in the wrong car the next time I get in). I always leap back out like my butt has been burned, and I haven't been caught yet, but geez, LOCK YOUR DOORS, people!

Speaking of do as I say, not as I do, when Angus was still home in the summer, one night we had just gotten back from somewhere, all gotten out of the car, forgotten to lock it, and gone inside. I only went in long enough to fill up the watering can, then stepped out the front door to water the hanging baskets. At first I thought it was Angus looking in the Rav for something, then realized it was a man I didn't know. I stood there staring like an idiot, nearly saying something massively idiotic like "can I help you?" He calmly closed the door and started walking away, until I shouted "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, FUCKWEASEL" and then he started running. It was only ten-thirty in the evening! Lock your doors, people! (It's me, I'm people).

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I had thrown axes at our friends' cottage and was paying for it with a pinched nerve and pretty bad nerve pain shooting down my arm. In an unaccustomed lack of procrastination, I booked a physiotherapy appointment barely two weeks into this being a problem (it hurt a lot). I also called Rocket Doctor (a virtual doctor service in Canada) to ask for an anti-inflammatory and/or muscle relaxant to get me through to my physio appointment. I told the doctor I hurt myself throwing axes and he said "...nice". Stretch before axe-throwing, people!

I had one previous wonderful experience at the place I went to, after switching from a crappy place that seemed to spend a lot of time on icing and TENS machines and other things I could do myself at home and hardly any on effective therapeutic techniques. This time was also extremely positive. After only three visits I was to the point where the medication could take the pain down to zero, and after four the injury pain was gone and this dude was addressing stuff that I thought was just pain I had to live with now. I did end up with some spectacular bruising after one visit. He said "did your husband ask you what the hell happened?" I said "Yeah, I just told him I got dry-nailed by an Italian man named Luca". He said "NEEDLED, Allison, dry-NEEDLED". 

So yeah, fall. My favourite season has been throwing pretty good favourite-season vibes. Some rain, but then some great weather when I really needed it. Some tea and reading outside until I couldn't feel my fingers (all I need is some gloves that leave on fingertip naked for turning ipad pages and I'm set). Anyone else want to flip a table every time you see the word 'shacket?' This is a new, super-stupid marketing thing. It's a combination of a shirt and a jacket but sounds ridiculous and, as my friend Marilyn (HI MARILYN) pointed out, evokes a jacket made of or associated with shit. Could they not have gone with 'sweater' instead? Is 'swacket' any stupider? What genius was responsible for this abomination? And are they related to whatever brainiac came up with "Feel again, at the movies" to get people back in theatres? Did no one think that one could use a touch more workshopping? 

Enough, I'm getting cranky and this is not a Surly Thursday post. Love you all. Lock your doors. Button up your shackets. Be well.  


D said…
I love everything about this. I'm happy to read whatever you're throwing down.
After our conversation about shackets I asked a friend who works in the public library (and is therefore working with many millennials) if she knew this term and she said yes. But that she also hates the term ‘coatigan’ and then I started to ponder how one would know the difference between shackets and coatigans and also why can’t we stop with the madness.
Shan said…
The ladies on our recent trip to Ottawa were discussing shackets and whether or not we should be purchasing them. I had recently been shopping with Abby, tried one on and she absolutely forbid me to leave the store with it. The dudes on the trip were, very much, what in the hell are y'all talking about? A shacket? What even is that? Fast forward, home from the trip, waiting to pick Maya up after a concert downtown. It was a Fleetwood Mac cover band, so the crowd was definitely my age and every lady that walked by Mike asked, so is that a shacket or no? It tickled me more than it probably should have.
Nicole said…
I'm glad you posted a photo of the Pinocchio because I could not picture it in my head. It's so cute!
Dry-needling helped me SO much when I hurt my hip. It's such a weird feeling at the time but so much relief.
R's friend who lives in downtown Vancouver never locks his vehicle, but just leaves it open for people to rifle through, (rifle? is that right? words. it's early.) so that they don't break a window. He obviously leaves nothing in the car to be stolen. So far it's worked as no one wants to actually steal his old Honda Civic.
I don't mind the word shacket but I don't own one either.
StephLove said…
I have never heard the term shacked and I think I could have lived without it.
Ernie said…
I love your measuring tape. How cute. Lad left a bag of dog food in the kitchen for awhile. It had a HUGE photo of a dog on the front of it and I kept feeling like someone was staring at me. I kept looking up to realize it was just a photo of a dog. Irritating.

I've never heard of shacket either and I do think it is awfully close to shart. I had not heard the 'feel again' slogan for the movies, maybe it's just in Canada? Regardless, it sounds like they are urging awkward first dates to feel around during the movie. Maybe I'm the only one whose mind goes there, but I agree- not an effective slogan.

The dry needled vs dry nailed made me laugh. Coach is a PT and I want to ask him if he dry nailed anyone recently.

I once used my key to get into another Plymouth Sundance (circa 1995?) when I left a doctor's office. It looked just like my car and my key worked. What are the chances? I realized before I drove away that it was not my car - probably becuse of stuff in the car. That was weird though.
Tudor said…
I also hate "shooties" - really, made-up words that start with "sh" should be banned. Like, do you really want to tell people your dog is a "shih-poo"?
Suzanne said…
Snorting so hard about you being "dry-nailed" by Luca.

"Shacket" is indeed a ridiculous and revolting term.

We have had a recent spate of car break-ins (if "recent spate" can account for several years of increasing amounts of these crimes) so I am firmly with you on LOCK YOUR DOORS, PEOPLE. They get super brazen. The thing I do not like, however, are the signs that are posted around the neighborhood that say something like, "Lock It or Lose It," in what feels like kind of a victim blaming manner. I mean, yes, take precautions! But also, DON'T DO CRIMES. That should be the focus of the signage! DON'T BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S CARS AND STEAL THINGS. Sigh.

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