Fear and Loathing in....Everywhere, Basically

 I'm just going to ramble for a bit because I fell in a hole and now I'm at that point where there's an insurmountable wall between me and blogging (and most other things), and waiting until I have a coherent post is going to mean never blogging again. I know everyone is feeling the immense cognitive dissonance of trying to live a normal life while various things on fire keep drawing our attention. But what do you do? Sit there staring at the fire? After we protest, and send money, and agree that it's all horrible and unfair, what else? Stop moving, stop living, stop finding joy in anything? My mother's parents are Polish, and she was born in Austria as they were fleeing from the war and spent her earliest years in refugee camps. She doesn't remember that, but she remembers her parents talking about it. How for the first little bit, you're on the move, maybe carrying a suitcase, your clothes still clean, and it feels weirdly like a vacation, but you keep remembering that you can't actually go home. I don't want this for anyone. It's so stupid and senseless.

Eve managed to get home for study break, "dodging Covid left and right" as she put it (multiple cases in people in her classes and on her residence floor). She's back and she said it's rapidly gone from "oh no, so-and-so has it now" to "another case, OOPS, oh well". Matt is in San Diego for a trade show; the venue has a mask and vaccination policy but he texted me a picture of fifty thousand people at a concert across the road from his hotel. I think we're dropping mask mandates here soon - I haven't really bothered to look up when because I will still be masking for the foreseeable future. 

Someone on Twitter mentioned that the antidepressant she takes works but if she doesn't take it on time she feels like her brain is seeping out her ears. This reminded me of the time I tried that same antidepressant, and it sent me screaming mad. I thought crickets were talking to me. Then there was the one that my doctor recommended because it would be more 'energizing' that wasn't, and when I tried to get off it things went horribly wrong. I went back to my second-generation one because it's not perfect and I get a ton of breakthrough symptoms (in winter especially), but at least I'm not wandering around trying to converse with wildlife like some discount suburban Snow White. 

I've been engaging in some uncomfortable introspection lately (that'll teach me to try not to spend all my time on social media, at least THERE I'm mostly annoyed and disgusted by OTHER people). I was such a weird kid. I was... such a weird teenager and in my twenties? I can't think of a better word than weird. It has taken me such a long time to become anything approaching at peace with who I am. What a giant pain in the ass if I have to do even MORE significant personal growth. 

I've been trying for the past few weeks to do a few of the things that I am invariably saying "I have to start doing X". So far I have played the piano after years of not (I am very bad, keys are very dusty). Listened to part of one podcast. It was not an instant match made in heaven (I liked the podcast fine, I just am not sure I am ready to add another media to books, tv and music - hey, maybe I can listen to podcasts instead of the personal growth thing! Can anyone recommend any podcasts that will definitely not make me grow as a person?) And I had a cup of tea. Shut up, it's February I mean March, I'm doing what I can. Oh, and I accidentally cooked an actual meal last night. 

I love you guys (not drunk. I've almost accidentally quit drinking because I feel so off-kilter all the time because of *gestures broadly at everything* anyway). It's almost a new week. I will try to do something good with it. 

Comments

Swistle said…
I enjoyed this very much.
I didn't know that about your mom; how terrible for your grandparents, and yet how wonderful that they made it to Canada. I think often about how refugees must leave everything behind; yes, things are just things, but it would be absolutely awful. xo
Ernie said…
I do not listen to podcasts, so I have none to recommend. At a workout class once, I heard other people saying they enjoy SmartLess. It's with Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes. I hear you on how to work that in.

I enjoyed your reference to Snow White, but of course not the issues that lead up to that possibility. I cannot wrap my brain around how life would feel so unbalanced and awful if I was living in the Ukraine. Ed met his first refugee the other day in Budapest. I told him if he needs to give a refugee money, supplies, food, I will reimburse him. He said he had a lot of studying to do and couldn't figure out how to do get his mind there after meeting this person who woke up surrounded by rubble in the year 2022.
Tudor said…
Canadian True Crime. I'm addicted to it. At first my brain thought it was weird that a woman with a STRONG Australian accent was hosting a Canadian True Crime podcast, but *shrugs* we're all immigrants, right, so it's actually very Canadian.

Some tips:
- Skip the Paul Bernardo episodes. Just do. They'll make you feel icky beyond icky. And you would think that would be true of ALL episodes about murderers, but for me, no, it was just those ones (despite living through the original, it was much worse to hear about it later for some reason).
- The host, Kristi, is someone I've come to like more and more as the podcast progresses. She's very compassionate / empathetic, and also admits whenever she gets anything wrong. However, she does have these weird grammar quirks. They used to bug me, but now I take them in stride as part of her charm. I thought I should mention it because you'll probably also notice them if you listen, so be advised, just think of them as charming.

That's it. I'm pretty sure the podcast won't make you grow as a person, but it is FANTASTIC for downloading a few episodes and listening to them as you drive to visit your daughter at university. IMHO, anyway!
Suzanne said…
This made me laugh: "Can anyone recommend any podcasts that will definitely not make me grow as a person?"

Very pleased to read this whole thing, except for the part about the world being on fire.
StephLove said…
I thought I left a long comment here about recommendations for podcasts that will not result in personal growth, but it seems to have disappeared into the ether.

Well, true crime was the gist of it, but if that's not your thing I think you might like Dark Air, which is fictional. It's about the host of a radio call-in show about the supernatural, who may or may not be haunted by the ghost of his dead wife. It helps to listen to Radio Rental first to get a sense of the main character (a few episodes would be enough, as they all stand alone, unlike Dark Air).
.
Busy Bee Suz said…
Discount Suburban Snow White.
YOU ARE BRILLIANT even when you're not feeling it.

Hearing the stories from your Mom of her parent's fleeing makes it all even more surreal.

I've tried some podcasts, but most of them don't make me feel any better about life.
Tea drinking is KEY to survival.

Podcasts: I listen to "The History of English" (the history of the language) and "The History of Byzantium" as sleep aids. The key is that there is just one person speaking (skip the few episodes where there is an interview of someone else). It would impossible to fall back asleep to a chatty podcast or one with annoying loud commercials. I do have to sometimes be careful about the History of Byzantium, as it can get gory, but usually I have fallen back asleep by the time that stuff is narrated.

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