Fear and Loathing in....Everywhere, Basically
I'm just going to ramble for a bit because I fell in a hole and now I'm at that point where there's an insurmountable wall between me and blogging (and most other things), and waiting until I have a coherent post is going to mean never blogging again. I know everyone is feeling the immense cognitive dissonance of trying to live a normal life while various things on fire keep drawing our attention. But what do you do? Sit there staring at the fire? After we protest, and send money, and agree that it's all horrible and unfair, what else? Stop moving, stop living, stop finding joy in anything? My mother's parents are Polish, and she was born in Austria as they were fleeing from the war and spent her earliest years in refugee camps. She doesn't remember that, but she remembers her parents talking about it. How for the first little bit, you're on the move, maybe carrying a suitcase, your clothes still clean, and it feels weirdly like a vacation, but you keep remembering that you can't actually go home. I don't want this for anyone. It's so stupid and senseless.
Eve managed to get home for study break, "dodging Covid left and right" as she put it (multiple cases in people in her classes and on her residence floor). She's back and she said it's rapidly gone from "oh no, so-and-so has it now" to "another case, OOPS, oh well". Matt is in San Diego for a trade show; the venue has a mask and vaccination policy but he texted me a picture of fifty thousand people at a concert across the road from his hotel. I think we're dropping mask mandates here soon - I haven't really bothered to look up when because I will still be masking for the foreseeable future.
Someone on Twitter mentioned that the antidepressant she takes works but if she doesn't take it on time she feels like her brain is seeping out her ears. This reminded me of the time I tried that same antidepressant, and it sent me screaming mad. I thought crickets were talking to me. Then there was the one that my doctor recommended because it would be more 'energizing' that wasn't, and when I tried to get off it things went horribly wrong. I went back to my second-generation one because it's not perfect and I get a ton of breakthrough symptoms (in winter especially), but at least I'm not wandering around trying to converse with wildlife like some discount suburban Snow White.
I've been engaging in some uncomfortable introspection lately (that'll teach me to try not to spend all my time on social media, at least THERE I'm mostly annoyed and disgusted by OTHER people). I was such a weird kid. I was... such a weird teenager and in my twenties? I can't think of a better word than weird. It has taken me such a long time to become anything approaching at peace with who I am. What a giant pain in the ass if I have to do even MORE significant personal growth.
I've been trying for the past few weeks to do a few of the things that I am invariably saying "I have to start doing X". So far I have played the piano after years of not (I am very bad, keys are very dusty). Listened to part of one podcast. It was not an instant match made in heaven (I liked the podcast fine, I just am not sure I am ready to add another media to books, tv and music - hey, maybe I can listen to podcasts instead of the personal growth thing! Can anyone recommend any podcasts that will definitely not make me grow as a person?) And I had a cup of tea. Shut up, it's February I mean March, I'm doing what I can. Oh, and I accidentally cooked an actual meal last night.
I love you guys (not drunk. I've almost accidentally quit drinking because I feel so off-kilter all the time because of *gestures broadly at everything* anyway). It's almost a new week. I will try to do something good with it.