Meh

Everything seems kind of digital these days. Either the fridge is overflowing with food and I can't figure out where to put anything and that's annoying, or it's nearly empty and there's room for everything but I'm panicky at the thought of having to go shop again. Either I get up and feel like doing multiple errands and accomplishing numerous household tasks or I can't summon up the will to do anything. Either I remember I have a blog or.... you get the idea.

I stared at the calendar for an uncomfortably long time trying to figure out which week we were in. Somebody tipped me off that my phone shows the date when it turns on, which was something I could have happily gone the rest of my life without knowing, but now it's essential. Angus and I have gone almost completely nocturnal - we sleep from four a.m. or so until noon or so. He gets up and Matt has left him a cup of coffee that is now cool enough to be iced with minimum effort. I get up and make lunch for everyone - no clue if anyone eats breakfast. Matt gets up early to work and goes to bed early. Eve ping pongs around between everyone's schedules. Sometimes she goes to bed early and sometimes she comes into our room at 1 a.m. because she can't sleep and Matt goes to sleep downstairs and she plays Animal Crossing beside me while I read. Animal Crossing is.... really weird.

I still have more sleep shame than I think I should. All the evidence points to the fact that my body just operates on a different schedule than the socially acceptable one, which should be fine if I still get my work done and take care of my family and right now who on earth should give a fuck when I go to bed or get up? And yet if my mom calls or someone drops something off at ten a.m. and I'm still asleep, Matt will say I'm in the shower or out for a walk, as if I'm in the bathroom doing cocaine or out kicking puppies instead of just slightly out of phase with the world.

Matt and I started watching Ozark on Netflix. I usually don't really like drug shows, but Angus said it was really good and I love Jason Bateman and Laura Linney, and we're enjoying it so far. Angus and I are still making our way through the Neeson oeuvre. We watched Taken and Taken 2, which I thought were better than their Rotten Tomatoes rating - I only like action movies if they have some black humour or a different twist on the formula, and I felt like these did. Then we watched Cold Pursuit, which seems to be a Nicholas Cage movie with Liam Neeson in the lead instead - it was quite odd, and very entertaining. Angus fell out of his chair laughing when someone said "they shot the messenger".

It's so weird. Sometimes I love the weird family-pajama-party vibe. Sometimes I'm just so happy to have Angus here at the dinner table being goofy and needling Eve. But he's not really supposed to be here. But he is here. Maybe my head hurts so much because of all the cognitive dissonance.

I caught myself thinking today that after this is over I will never turn down a chance to go out with my friends again. Then I remembered that last Tuesday night I couldn't be arsed to sit in front of my computer and drink for our regular bar Zoom thing because I had gone grocery shopping and I just wanted to sit and stare at a wall for a while, so it will probably only take a couple of weeks before I am back to my own lame introvert self.

Ugh, this post is boring and I do not have the wherewithal to fix that. I could go find my phone and add some funny pictures, but that would mean I would have to go and find my phone.

Comments

Swistle said…
I identify with SO MUCH OF THIS
Ernie said…
I think writing about lines of coke in your bathroom and kicking puppies and alternately staring at the wall after groceries is far from boring. You made me chuckle while I was on my book club zoom meeting and I was not on mute. Oops. It was the part of the book club that bores me, like the details behind the author's motivation or why she talked about the architecture of the city, blah blah. When I saw you had posted something, I was like "Oh, this is far more interesting." I would give yourself a break on the sleep shaming, and I will give myself a break on living in squalor with people who can't be bothered. (side note: I already have given myself a break on the state of the unkempt house). Not like anyone is stopping by. BTW - I sent an email to you yesterday. Not sure if it went to spam. My legit real last name is an actual word and might land my emails in a timeout in spam for looking suspicious.
I was thinking "I'll never turn down x after this" too - but you know, I probably will. I was thinking we are almost ships passing in the night, me waking up when you are going to bed, and I thought I'd send you a "good night!" message when I got up. But then I realized the time difference and it wouldn't have worked since I don't get up at 2. Hey, we all have our natural rhythms and you don't need to be anywhere in the morning, so who cares! YOU DO YOU BABE BECAUSE I LOVE YOUUUUUU
StephLove said…
I know what you mean about kind of liking having the boy here and being really sad that he is at the same time.
Lynn said…
I so totally feel you on this post, especially the either/or thing. Either I'm spending the day working AND cleaning AND doing laundry AND going for a power walk, or I'm sleeping in until noon and then puttering around the house in my jammies unable to even crack open a magazine. I'm trying to be very gentle with myself and just letting myself feel what I feel and do what I can and not try to push myself to "make the most of this family time" or "get those jobs around the house done" or even "shower on a regular basis" if I just can't. It's just such an unprecedented thing, there's no right or wrong here.

And I agree with you about going back to introverted pretty quick. We are now doing weekly game night on Saturday with two other couples we know (you know them too - Amy and Derek and Annabel and her husband Sheldon) and it is SO NICE to see them and check in with them every week. I am always overjoyed to have real conversation with other adults. But will we continue once we're free to actually leave the house? QUESTIONABLE.
Tudor said…
Yes - very true how everything has shifted, including our sense of accomplishment. I was able to purchase two bags of flour yesterday and got back into the car and told my son, "You can drive me home. I don't have to leave the house again for a long time, because now I have flour." And then I had to tell you about it, just to fully cement how satisfying it was.
Shan said…
Yep. I feel this. Yesterday I told myself that I would never again complain about those little annoying errands you have to take care of, but realistically.... I'm not so sure. It is definitely weird strange days. I am just trying to go with whatever the day brings me. Some days that jammies and netflix. Other days it's painting the living room. Much love to you.

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