Day 29

Not gonna lie, everything kind of feels like this right now.

I was talking with a friend the other day about how I think I have to reassess my anti-depressant. I kind of feel like my emotions are blunted, like I'm feeling things, or know I should be feeling things, but not the way I think I would if they were unmediated. In the case of depressive feelings, this is a good thing, but it's less good if all the feelings are being indiscriminately shielded (I like to think that some rebel feelings are mounting an operation to get through a thermal exhaust port, but you can't really count on that kind of thing). It's a hard thing to recognize when you're stuck in it, but a friend's husband died a couple of weeks ago and I suddenly realized that I was sad, but not as sad as I should be. And yeah, the tragedy isn't about me, but the reaction is. I have absolutely no doubts about taking medication that helps me to function, if it makes me more like myself and less like myself on depression. But I can't take it unquestioningly if it makes me less me.

My posts from Novembers past keep showing up in my Facebook timeline. I keep reading them and feeling like I've lost something - I remember how it felt to be typing, barely keeping up with my thoughts, wrestling them into something funny and quirky on the way onto the page. It's entirely possible that I'm just having a rough time right now and that's reflected in the writing, but.... what if this pill is making me numb AND dumb?

It's scary to mess with this stuff. I'm really wary of switching to something that tries to kill me if I need to stop taking it. I'm going to start cutting my dosage for this one for now, and talk to my doctor.

I've been depressed about being fat again lately. I mean, not that I'm fat again - still fat, but it's bugging me again. For a while I was in some kind of acceptance phase, just trying to be less fucked up about food, exercise for fun instead of for punishment. Then I saw a picture (it's always a fucking picture). I started idly speculating about things I would give up to be magically thing. Couple of I.Q. points? Well, I wouldn't know I was dumber if I was dumber, right? My sense of humour? No, that's too high a price. A limb? Probably not. I'd like to say that contemplating the long list of things I have that are too valuable to lose made me care less about being fat. Okay, maybe they did a little, but not like in a Lifetime movie or an article in a woman's magazine.

Angus is going to visit a small college in New York this week-end - the coach is interested in him playing for them next year. We've been talking a lot about the whole university thing, and I know it's overwhelming for him but I keep realizing that I haven't even really touched the outer edges of the overwhelmingness - a few days ago he said "I can do a degree there and then go somewhere else or come home, right?" Like, he thought he might have to stay there for the rest of his life or something. Today he said to us, "even if the visit goes really well I think I'm still going to be really nervous about going to university in another country". Well. Yeah. Dude - join the club.


StephLove said…
I'm sorry you're struggling now and hope a change in meds will help.

I get that way--flattened out emotionally--sometimes and I'm not even on any meds. It happens when I've been sad a long time and I just sort of shut down.

I so often think of Eve's line from a few years back, "I hate everyone and the world is so stupid..." I've been verging on feeling that way and managing to pull back from it for now. The beach helped (and coming back didn't).
StephLove said…
November's almost over, right? That's your bad month.
Nicole Boyhouse said…
xoxoxo November is a hard month for you and as of tomorrow it's over. Not that it's a magic switch or anything, but it's something. Love you.

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