Thursday, April 3, 2014

Surly Thursday: Infuriating Minutiae

I am a fizzing collection of small bodily irritations. The universe has placed tiny targets on all of my fingernails. A few days ago I smashed my left thumb into the washer, breaking the nail halfway down my thumb. I then managed to jam the tip of a sharp knife right into the wound while making dinner.

Turns out I do a LOT OF STUFF with my left thumbnail. How do I clean under the fingernails on my other hand? Do they just have to stay bacteria-ridden until it grows back? It takes me four times as long to get my left contact lens out - I manage to knock it off my pupil but then it gets stuck in the inner corner of my eye and I pry ineptly at it with my poor, blunt, useless thumb. It sucks.
Photo from Flickr by Gene Han

I have a paper cut that's actually a cut from the lid of one of those plastic clamshell salad containers, which I think we can all agree is MUCH, MUCH worse than a paper cut, on my left index finger (wait, is that the finger beside the thumb? The Peter Pointer finger? That one). My other thumb hurts in a sort of indiscriminate maybe-it's-the-skin, maybe-it's-the-ligament way. Plus the whole hand aches, I think from trying to hold my ipad to read in the hospital waiting room - stupid heavy ipad. Stupid weak hand.

Getting into the truck after getting groceries today I broke the nail on my right thumb and right ring finger.

Other things that have annoyed me this week:

1. Toilets without lids

2. Loblaws, who always has plantains when I don't need them, not having any plantains on Monday when I needed them.

3. Loblaws, who had a bin full of cilantro on Monday, not having any cilantro today when I needed more.

4. The guy who keeps making smart-ass comments on the email for Collette's birthday party, but won't say whether he's actually coming, despite my repeatedly asking. He's dead to me. I'm going to find out what all the foods he hates are and put them on the menu. If he shows up, I will NOT smile welcomingly at him.

5. The half-a-foot-deep puddle at the end of my driveway that I keep forgetting is there and having to stand in to unload my groceries.

6. My husband clearing his throat incessantly after dinner every night.

7. The series finale of How I Met Your Mother. Or maybe not. I'm still deciding.

8. The rash on Angus's face. REALLY? The poor kid just got a prescription that's been working for his face and found out he's getting his braces off next month, and now he has to deal with this shit? NOT COOL, Universe.

9. The slightly too-wide neck on the purple shirt with the sharkbite hem that I ALMOST totally love, except every time I put it on I remember that the neck is too wide and I can't figure out exactly how to position it on my shoulders and it makes me feel like there's too much of the wrong kind of skin showing, so it's eighty percent really flattering and twenty percent not, and I can never decide if I should get rid of it or not.

10. The pork roast I bought at Loblaws on Monday that had a best before date of tomorrow but reeked to high heavens when I pulled back the plastic wrap today. They gave me my money back, but I had to return it and I still keep phantom-smelling rancid pork.

11. Perhaps I should give some thought to frequenting another grocery store?

Anyway, Eve and I had a rather hilarious time grocery shopping and clothes shopping for her at Winners, which I will tell you about tomorrow, so none of this is really that surly-making. But it's Thursday. And goddamn, this paper-plastic cut stings. And I need help taking out my left contact lens. Who's coming over?

5 comments:

Lynn said...

I was also on the fence about the HIMYM finale, until I saw this fan-created "perfect" ending video:

http://popwatch.ew.com/2014/04/02/how-i-met-your-mother-ending-alternate-fan/

And they were right - it was perfect! They totally should have done that instead.

I hear you about the fingers, too. The minute I injure anything on this body, it seems it is indispensable to everything I do ever. I split one of my thumbnails a few years ago and it was SO annoying until the break grew out. Advice: don't even think about trying to peel any oranges.

Swistle said...

Out of all these treasures I will narrow in on one: the issue of shirts that are great except for One Thing. I have two that are great except that they are too short, and one that is great except that every time I wear it I feel like I am wearing a cat sweatshirt, and one that makes me feel frumpy but WHY when it is exactly like all the others? But by far the largest number of my One Thing shirts are NECKLINE. Several show a bra strap unless I hold PERFECTLY STILL. Others show Too Much Cleavage unless I hold PERFECTLY STILL. Why then do I keep them?

Steph Lovelady said...

Ouch! Perhaps you should just wrap your hands in bubble wrap until everything heals and let everyone else wait on you.

Nicole said...

#4! #4! I die. I DIE. I am laughing so hard about this because I've had similar situations. JUST TELL ME IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THERE OR NOT ASSHOLE. "I will not smile welcomingly".

Ouch your poor hands! Those clamshell things are DOUCHEBAG MOTHERFUCKERS.

Sarah said...

I almost sent you a picture of my hands, but thought better of it. I currently have two burns and a pretty deep cut on the tip of my index finger thanks to scissors. You're supposed to cut with scissors, not have them cut you. Sigh. I blame my lefthandedness. We are partners in... clumsiness?