1) If Jane had 3 apples and John had 78 nails, how many layers of clothing are you wearing (how is the weather in your neck of the woods?)?
Freakin' schizo, not to put too fine a point on it. First it was frigid freezing, so that Eve's first two trips with the school ski club got cancelled, which she was HIGHLY put out by. Then it snowed. Then it went back to just normal cold, which meant I walked around with just a sweater on again. Then the temperature started creeping downwards again, so that I would go out somewhere and suddenly realize that I was really cold. At home I'm still wearing my oh-so-sexy huge socks, leggings and a t-shirt, but I just got in from grocery shopping, sat down at the computer, and suddenly realized that my boobs are icy cold. And they had more layers on then everything else, so, go figure.
2. What is keeping you sane during these long winter months?
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Aw, bless her heart, Kimberly is making a very large, very kind assumption, isn't she? These days when I'm driving, whenever I approach a traffic light I find myself saying out loud "It's green. I can go", or, "it's red. I should stop. Stop now." I think it's safe to say my sanity is tenuous at best. As far as what's keeping me from going all the way around the bend, likely running a red light and causing a multi-vehicle pile-up in the process, I would have to say, in no particular order: meal planning, treadmilling, and binge-watching The Shield and marveling that this Michael Chiklis is also this Michael Chiklis, as well as being profoundly grateful that I don't live in Farmington, New Mexico. And cheetos. Which kind of negates the treadmilling. And hanging on Twitter with Nicole and Hannah. Which keeps the cheetos in check, more or less.
3. If you were on a boat with a box of chocolate and your Mother In Law, who would you throw overboard?
I used to think the mother-in-law cliché was just that, and only that. The experiences of several of my friends have shown that it is a stereotype for a VERY GOOD REASON. My own mother-in-law, however, HAD one of those stereotypical bitchy mothers-in-law, and she, therefore (somewhat, although I think she would have been great anyway), is beyond reproach in all our dealings. She gives me awesome presents, compliments me on my parenting, and doesn't make backhanded comments about my weight (my friend's mother-in-law gave her a coupon for a hip-slimming girdle. DO YOU EVEN WHAT THE FUCK HOLY HELL CRAPNUTS). I love her.
4. What’s in your underwear drawer besides underwear?
Nothing. There's A-list underwear and B-list underwear. Does anyone NOT have B-list underwear? I'll know we've made it when the whole drawer is filled with A-list underwear.
5. Do you trust yourself with sharp objects near your face? (as in, do you pluck your own eyebrows? Do you have any eyebrow horror stories?)
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I make a half-hearted attempt at plucking my eyebrows now and then - mostly they're a disaster. And, not to sound like I'm trying to top Hannah's story, but I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING, and THAT was when I discovered that, no matter how much they say they're using the wax for sensitive skin, I can't get my eyebrows waxed without burn marks. Happily, my wedding make-upper was skilled enough to fix things for the wedding, but I had big ammunition against my mother, who had coerced me into getting it done. A few years ago I had Angus at First Choice for a haircut, and the woman cutting his hair looked at me and said "you know we wax eyebrows here, right? I can do it today. Really. Go in the back and sit down." Hmph.
6. I am terrified of dead bodies, spiders, and the dentist. What are you scared of?
Dead bodies? Pfft. Spiders? Whatever. The dentist? WELL OBVIOUSLY, dentists are TERRIFYING. Alphabetically? Answering the phone. Bats. Cantaloupe. Dancing. Earwigs. Flying squirrels. Germs. Helmets (lice). Public speaking. Spin class.
7. Does your husband cut up the back of your legs with his long toenails when you sleep?
No. But the other night he had a Guinness at my parents' house in the evening, forgetting that drinking beer in the evenings is generally inadvisable at this point in his life. At one point he farted so loudly he woke HIMSELF up. He turned over, looked at me reading beside him, wearing a less-than-impressed expression, and said "I'm bringing sexy back?"
8. Are you wearing nail polish?
Before our trip to the Dominican, my mom took Eve and me for manicures and pedicures. It was my first manicure ever - a French gel manicure. It was nice, but then two of the nails on my right hand tore further down than the ever have, way below the quick, which was incredibly painful. I know correlation does not equal causation, and I probably wasn't going to get another manicure anyway, as a neurotic hand-washer and improper fingernail-user, but this makes me doubly disinclined. My toenails are a lovely lavender with swirly designs.