ProphylAxis of Evil

************TMI ALERT*****************

So. I've been on the pill until recently even though I'm a couple years past forty. I always had crummy periods off the pill and, aside from the headaches which I hadn't connected with it, it worked well for me in a number of areas, so I just kept taking it. I had a doctor's appointment last week and my doctor said if I have headaches a lot (which I do), this was a good reason (in addition to being past forty) to stop taking it.

Most of the men in our circle of friends had their appointment with Dr. Weiss (yes, that is pronounced 'vice') years ago, shortly after the second or third child; all the couples felt confident that their families were complete. Matt and I remained stubbornly on the fence about a third kid for a long time. At this point, when I confess this, people ask me "are you off the fence now?", with a tone implying "if you aren't, our further friendship and your sanity might be in line for some evaluation". And yeah, we are pretty much off the fence now, although with an everlasting sense of regret, on my part at least.

But now here we are. There's no good reason this should be a big deal, and yet I can't help feeling like it's going to turn into a big deal. Should I make the appointment for him? I feel vaguely resentful when I have to make his medical appointments, but if I do at least he goes to medical appointments, whereas if I wait for him to make the appointment the appointment will not be made any time soon. Of course, I'm almost as bad at 1) remembering I need to make the appointment and 2) forcing myself to pick up the phone and make the appointment, so if I do it, it still won't be any time REALLY soon. Then there's the fact that we'll most likely have to tell our kids what's going on, which is fine, but... awkward? Oh wait - we let Eve watch the vasectomy episode of Modern Family the other day. Problem solved - I'll just tell Angus to ask her.

In the meantime, I told Matt he should pick up some condoms. We've pretty much never used condoms because of my aforementioned liking for the pill. So when he said "I think I have some" I gave him a look that contained equal amounts of "wtf?" and "Dude, you got some splainin' to do". He said "remember, after Eve was born you didn't want to go on that low estrogen birth control pill that makes you even more crazy?"

"Hon," I said gently, "Eve was born NINE AND A HALF YEARS AGO." He was dumbstruck at the notion that condoms might have an expiry date. Clearly, if I  left the responsibility for limiting this family to four in his hands, all bets were off.

So today I was in the drugstore anyway, so I figured I'd pick up some condoms.

I hate when we need toothpaste. I hate buying toothpaste. There is a ridiculously high number of kinds of toothpaste available - whitening, brightening, gel, paste, sensitivity-reducing, tartar control..... it makes me dizzy and gives me a headache and makes me think about the decay of civilization in a way I don't really want to in the oral hygiene aisle at Shoppers Drug Mart.

Condoms are worse.

In the end, I pretty much closed my eyes and grabbed a box at random and tossed it into my cart. I got to the checkout, and while I wasn't embarrassed the way I probably would have been twenty years ago, I wasn't looking to broadcast the fact that I was buying condoms. But of course, the goddamned box wouldn't scan, so the cashier slammed it over the scanner a few times and then realized it was open. She gave me a knowing look and said "I bet there aren't twenty in there anymore", which made me snort at some poor broke or bashful teenager's expense. But when I said "I'll just go grab another box" she said "well just let me check" and she pulled the ENTIRE STRIP of condoms out of the box and counted them one by one. And they were all there, so then she shoved them all back in and I paid for them. And then walked out of the store while the rest of the line applauded behind me. And came home and called Dr. Weiss.


Wrath Of Mom said…
HAHAHA. My girlfriend was a teacher in our small town & the cashiers at most stores were her high school students. She discovered an internet condom supplier ASAP

Our local(ish) urologist is Dr Hampole.
Sasha said…
Yeah. I have the page my doc wrote up about Dr. Weiss pinned to my bulletin board. Because if someone needs a medical appointment, you can guess who needs to book it. And I have commitment issues (as in, committing to one side of the fence or the other).

I know I've told DH about the good doctor. I'm quite certain he's forgotten. I wonder if I should just book him in and send him. Imagine his surprise when he gets there...
Condoms are horrible, horrible. Kind of glad I've been snipped...theoretically. Did I ever tell you that after my c-section during which I was also to have a tubal ligation, NO ONE in the hospital could confirm that it was done? And then when I had my 6 week check up with my OB-GYN, she couldn't confirm it either and didn't recall but thought that yes, it probably was done. Most likely. I had a bit of a freak out in her office about it. She called me 2 days later at home to tell me she found some confirmation that it was done but I've always been a might suspicious.
Hannah said…
As it's 4AM and I'm awake after giving Baby G medicine in the middle of the night to help his breathing, I really needed something to take my mind off things. And then this. And I had to stuff a pillow over my face to keep from waking him up again with my laughter.


Julie said…

i walked past the condom "isle" yesterday and was flabergasted by the selection. i'm back on the pill because it's helping me no go into crazy fits of craziness once a month. and the hubby cancelled his appointment with the vice a few years ago when he thought i said "umm." i never said umm.
StephLove said…
Admittedly, it's a good week to be a lesbian, but this is making me just a tiny bit happier about it.
StephLove said…
Admittedly, it's a good week to be a lesbian, but this is making me just a tiny bit happier about it.
Nicole said…
Hahaha! This made me giggle. While we're in the business of TMI, I was so paranoid about pregnancy after having Jake that I stayed on the pill for eight months after Mr was confirmed to be shooting blanks. Eight months! I was worried he would somehow regenerate after being snipped, I guess.
mindreader said…
Thank-you, Allison. You made my day. My guy met Dr. Vice many years ago...he's a nice vice, or so I'm told.
OMG ... did they really applaud? LOL!
Magpie said…
Heh. Also, I love your title.
clara said…

Counting the condoms. COUNTING THEM. Oy.

Ugh that condom smell. My husband made his own appointment and kept it and is a month post-snip. Quite happy about it. However, as I know someone who had her third baby boy post-vasectomy (different doctor than my husband) I will be using the stinky prophylactics until we are DAMN SURE nobody's swimming.
Finola said…
You are so funny!

On a serious note, when DH and I decided to close the door on future pregnancies, we said that if we did ever change our minds that we would adopt a five-year-old. We have never changed our minds, but having an option did make things easier.
Amber Strocel said…
I am currently in birth control pill hell, after having my IUD removed due to IUD hell. I'm on my third pill since May, and hoping this one works, fingers crossed. We should probably just resort to condoms, but we both hate them.

I should probably make the appointment with Dr. Pollock, the Dr. Weiss equivalent, but I'm not ready to give up on the idea of a third yet. So, it's likely on to birth control pill number four for me. Whee!

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