Sunday, November 25, 2012

Pass the effing kleenex

When I was young, I cried all the time. It pissed off my mother, which seems unfair because she always cried a lot too. And it drives me insane how people think you should just be able to not do it, because duh, it's not like we do it for fun, or on demand. I got a little older. I still cried a lot. Weddings, funerals, auto shows. Then I stopped. I hardly ever cried any more. I thought maybe I was maturing. Maybe I was developing a nice hard cynical shell. Maybe I'd cried all the tears and there were none left.

Then I read a blog post where someone mentioned that she didn't cry any more because of the antidepressant she was on. I was thunderstruck. It was the drug? How did I miss that? I knew it made my eyes and mouth dry. I knew it made it hard to lose weight. How did I miss that it made me not cry? Which I was all in favour of, by the way - the less snotting up in public the better.

Now here I am. Since I started on the CPAP machine, I've gone to an extremely low dose of my antidepressant. And oh, fanfuckingtastic, I can cry again. Which would be fine if I could cry elegant, restrained movie-star tears - you know, just enough to feel in a sort of glamorous way that I'm able to hear the mournful music of the spheres, or feel the elegiac sere sadness of human life - shit like that.

But no. It's all ugly crying now. When Eve was at drama camp in London this summer and we went to the end-of-the-year show, the campers all sang this song and then the counsellors sang this song to the campers. If I'm ever caught in the car and one of these songs come on the radio? Good Christ, I have to pull over, it's freaking tearmageddon, the windshield fogs over, there are salt stains on the upholstery, HELP HELP, I NEED TO BE DEAD INSIDE AGAIN. I started watching this show because I stumbled over it on the Space channel and I needed to fill the space for a postapocalyptic tv show left when I realized that I couldn't force myself to watch the vapid, belly-button-exposing, generically-good-looking-leads dreck that is Revolution. It's mildly diverting, but it's not like I'm glued to it or anything. In fact, I was half-reading the paper today while watching. Then this woman is in labour and the baby is breech and this grizzled old soldier-guy walks in and washes his hands and says he helped the midwife turn his own daughter in utero before his wife's home birth. And suddenly I'm squishing up my face up so hard my chin is bumping my forehead in a desperate attempt to NOT START SOBBING ABOUT THIS STUPID ALIEN INVASION TV SHOW.

It's humiliating. It's undignified. Who the hell wants to walk around in constant danger of an incipient GLURT of weeping and wailing showering innocent bystanders? I'm going to have to up my dosage. Or get my tear ducts cauterized.

“Eventually something you love is going to be taken away. And then you will fall to the floor crying. And then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “I am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn’t paint it very well.” 
― Richard Siken

6 comments:

Nan | Wrath Of Mom said...

Know what makes me cry? Postapocalyptic ANYTHING. So scary. I can't handle scary. Also scary: grizzled old men acting as amateur midwives. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I think you need to look on the bright side of your constant tears. For instance, my husband makes pulp used to make facial tissues. So in a way, you are helping to keep him employed. THANKS.

Hannah said...

Yesterday, I watched "Elf" with the kids. You know, the one with Will Ferrell? And when he left the North Pole, and his Bob Newhart Elf-dad said "I will always be here for you" I fell apart and SOBBED. And I am also an ugly crier.

So, I hear you. You're welcome on the tissues front, Nan.

Nicole said...

I cry when I'm mad, or verklempt, or sad. I used to have to run to the bathroom and sob at work. I worked in a high stress environment and I didn't want everyone to see me crying. Because I am the ugliest crier you have ever seen. Blotchy, red, puffy. I once tried to cry my way out of a speeding ticket and the officer was all "God, don't CRY. It's just a ticket."

Sasha said...

Yeah, I think it's the drugs too. They do make you feel dead inside. Which is DEAD DEPRESSING. And am I crazy, or doesn't that defeat the purpose?

Thank you for not answering the first question.

But I'd give a lot of money to someone who could come up with something that fixes depression, instead of just swapping dramatic depression for boring depression.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

I kind of like Revolution...though it's not as amazing as the ratings would lead one to believe. It passes the time in an acceptable manner though.

I don't cry often and I can't blame antidepressants. I usually just blame my childhood and the coping mechanisms I created which make me dead inside...this was supposed to sound funnier. :) Sorry!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Don't I know it. I'm on a low dose so it still gets through. Perfect quote and this part,
“Eventually something you love is going to be taken away. And then you will fall to the floor crying."

I'm pretty sure doesn't mean when I drop the last cookie ; )