Okay, so who's going to strong-arm me into keeping my appointment with the allergist on Thursday? Does anyone else wait months and months to see specialists who might be able to address a years-long problem and then get incredibly, morbidly pessimistic about the whole thing as the appointment approaches? No? Just me? Somebody throw me a frikking bone here?
I do this all the time. Allergist, sleep specialists, respirologists, endocrinologists. I write it on the calendar in big letters and feel like I've done something positive and pro-active. Then as the appointment approaches I think, oh why bother? What if he's mean? What if he's arrogant and dismissive? What if he thinks I'm just a fat hysterical housewife? What if he's one of those doctors who angered by that woman who came up with the plastic-wrap wrinkle cure? I don't have many wrinkles - WHAT IF HE THINKS I'M USING IT?
Of course, a lot of specialists ARE mean bastards. When I had the infection that ate up my face in grad school my dermatologist (who was a sweetheart of a man, and his receptionist always fit me in when my face blew up again) sent me to an endocrinologist who, when I confessed that I'd cried a little that morning, said "oh, you were feeling sorry for yourself?" Dude - I was twenty-four, trying to finish a Master's degree and I looked like a burn victim from some infection no one could diagnose. Yeah, a few tears were shed, asshole. But a lot of them aren't mean, or dismissive, and here's the stupid part - I've seen this allergist before, years ago, and he was lovely.
So yeah - I'm an idiot. And I'm aware of it. But I'm still going to fight myself every step of the way. It's just what I do.