Monday, April 16, 2012

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

I still don't really know what the hell I'm doing, but the fog has lifted a little, so I'm just going with it, gratefully. My husband is in Poland (he emailed from the plane that he thinks he finally gets my mother, as he was settling down for a six-hour ride with a bunch of hyper-manic 60-plus-year-olds. Yikes). I get my four-day take-home exam at nine tomorrow morning, but I have to go to the school to walk over to the high school with Angus's class at eleven. In the rain, it looks like. When I would much rather just hunker down over the freaking exam for ten hours and get it DONE, but oh well. Matt figured out that if I get zero on the exam I should still get 52 in the course, so it's all gravy. Right?

The whole week-end was pretty much an exercise in survival. Not that there was much to do, but I just felt the constant urge to go curl up around the hard, spiky ball of sad and icky and hopeless and bad that was lodged under my ribcage, and Matt left Saturday morning, and Angus has this creepy sixth sense for when I'm un-okay in ANY POSSIBLE WAY and it stresses him the fuck out, and strangely enough is not terribly comforting for me to have him following me around going 'are you okay? are you okay?', so I was desperate to Maintain My Cover. Because they're smart kids, but if they asked me what was wrong, 'existential despair' was probably not really going to fly as an answer.

So, the old stand-bys (stands-by?): friends' houses, sports, television, video games, junk food, books. They both got invited over somewhere else for a while on Saturday, then Angus came home and I took him to his hockey game (the final: not the final-final, that's what it would be if we won this one, which should have been called the semi-final, I think, but that's what they called the one before it, which should have been...uh... just a game? ANYWAY. He lost, which was awesome because it meant we didn't have to come back on Sunday for the super-ultra-really-really-the-last-one-final final, which he was fine with, and I was more than fine, because if you think it's fun trying to hold your shit together in your own bedroom, try holding it together in a hockey arena. While some asshat keeps blowing a vuvuzela (it's not fucking SOCCER, jackass!). Then we picked up Eve at her friend's place and it was almost bedtime. Sunday I let them fry their brains in the digital medium of their choice while I hid in my room with books and my laptop.

In the late afternoon, someone tweeted about making empanadas. I felt a flicker of interest, which seemed encouraging. I started Googling recipes and making grocery lists and indulging in Cautious Optimism. THEN someone tweeted something from a website I had never heard of. I started clicking.

I sent this to my book club. I was giggling.

Then I saw this. Clearly, onto something good here.

This. Well, I already wasn't doing anything terribly productive, and suddenly I was feeling MUCH better about things.

At this, I was blinded with tears of laughter and gasping desperately for breath, and had to go hide in the bathroom for a while so my kids wouldn't call 911 for medical help.

Then this and this and this. I think this URL should be printed on anti-depressant bottles.

I swallowed enough pills to fell a rhinoceros and slept hard. I got up and took the kids to school. I went home and cleaned up a little (depression doesn't just hurt your mind and body and soul, it also trashes your kitchen) and showered and called Pam. We decided we would go for groceries, and stopped for pulled-pork poutine to fortify ourselves beforehand. 

Nothing puts the lid on a nasty stretch of bad soul road like simple carbs and laughing at people that are EVEN DUMBER THAN ME (yes, I KNOW that it would be more grammatically correct to write 'I', I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!).  

11 comments:

Pam said...

Lmao! That is such a funny website. Now my stomach hurts. Love the review of kid's books.... And feeling the urge to start saying "La La La" to pigs. Poutine is always the answer to life's woes... And chocolate.

the queen said...

I LOVE it! I can't look at it any more because I'm supposed to be quiet.

Neeroc said...

That site is awesome. It sort of reminds me of Chris Hallquist's review of St. Augustine...here - http://www.amazon.com/review/R2PBK35JRU4ZLB/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm and I'm not sure which is better, his tongue in cheek review, or the commenters who think he's serious.

Neeroc said...

That site is awesome. It sort of reminds me of Chris Hallquist's review of St. Augustine...here - http://www.amazon.com/review/R2PBK35JRU4ZLB/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm and I'm not sure which is better, his tongue in cheek review, or the commenters who think he's serious.

Helen Abbott said...

thank you, thank you, thank you. Now to forward the URL to my colleagues and screw with the productivity of the entire company!

Mary Lynn said...

So waitasec--pigs DON'T say La la la?

Glad you're starting to feel better.

Kelly Quinones Miller said...

Clearly no one likes to hear about incest. Though, poutine sounds like it could be wrong, too.

Magpie said...

Okay, that is perfect. Thank you. Earlier today I was feeling irrationally hostile; now I'm giggling.

Nicole said...

Well, really, who does like to talk about incest? Also, it IS disappointing when you are looking for African recipes and you get a whole book about AIDS.

Is it wrong that I kind of agree with the review of Love You Forever? Am I going to go straight to hell in a handbasket?

Keep swimming, sweetie. You can do it.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Those were just too freakin funny not to share with my daughters. I can't wait!
Glad you are feeling cheered. There's something strangely satisfying about using 'me' when 'I' is proper. I thought it was a southern thing but maybe the compulsion is spreading it's borders.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

Thank you for those links. Tears. Tears.