Sunday, March 13, 2011

Desperate Times

I'm suffering from a bad case of blogger paralysis. Whenever I sit down to blog, my brain seizes up and shows the test pattern (which in my brain is not a block of coloured stripes but a school of goldfish crackers with piranha teeth about to attack John Cusack). In the interest of cracking the paralysis, I'm going to mock other people to make myself feel better. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

1. The woman who fell into the mall fountain while texting, and then got put on youtube. I'm not mocking her for falling into the fountain while texting. I might have felt a small moment of vindication for confirmation of my conviction that texting is evil and taking over the world and will lead you into perdition and might make you fall into a mall fountain, but this would have been much more satisfying if it was a teenager. I'm also not linking to it, because it's mean. But I really think her response should have been more along the line of a simple "whoever posted this is an asshole" message, and not hiring a lawyer and solemnly answering idiotic questions posed by an idiotic news interviewer who is even more mockworthy because he's not texting while asking his moronic questions: "so when did you realize that you'd had a bad fall?": "um, when I was suddenly all wet in a prone position? you braindead douchecanoe?" And let's examine the fact that, in the course of trying to sound halfway sympathetic, they've played the clip of her falling into the fountain upwards of a dozen times, from two different angles. Class-ee.

2. The people on the show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, or as Pam and I like to call it, People Who Are Too Stupid to Live, Let Alone Breed. The last time we were at the gym (it wasn't that long ago! There was some skanky sex song by Rihanna playing! Oh wait, that could be any time in the last four years) TLC was playing the show. I was so caught up in the (I've run out of synonyms for idiotic) drama, when I went to get a drink and my treadmill timed out I thought we had twenty minutes left until Pam informed me that we only had eight. Watching really stupid people apparently makes workout time go by really quickly. "Tammy had gained twenty-eight pounds and her boobs were two sizes bigger and she had heartburn and threw up a lot -- what could it be? It was mystifying!" And then when they go into the hospital: Doctor: is there any chance you're pregnant? Woman: No, I can't possibly be pregnant! Doctor: So you've never had sex? Woman: Well, yes, I have sex all the time, but... Doctor: So you always use contraceptives? Woman: "Well no, we never do, but... Doctor: So you've had a hysterectomy? Woman: No, but, aside from the weight gain and barfing and heartburn and these regularly spaced agonizing pains I feel TOTALLY NORMAL! To be fair, one of the women did have a birth control implant and...ah, screw it, fair isn't going to get my blogging brain unparalyzed.

3. My friend's ex-husband: He thought that hydro equal billing (when the hydro company estimates your power usage for the year and bills you equally each month, rather than billing you much more in the months when more power is typically used) meant that the power usage for their neighbourhood was added up and then divided by the number of houses so everybody paid the same. When I still liked him I thought this was kind of endearing. Now that he's turned into a five-star asshat..... LOser!

That's all the vitriol I can muster for today. I promise to be back to my normal, more gracious (wishy-washy) self soon.

10 comments:

Nicole said...

Okay, I just watched the YouTube video, hehehe. I can see how that would happen. Don't text and walk, people! It's not that important! We do not need to be that connected all the time. Walking through a mall may be boring, yes, but we do not have to have entertainment every second of the day. Mark my words, our need for constant entertainment will be the cause of society's demise.

Speaking of which, I've never seen that show, but I always wondered. HOW do you not know you're pregnant? Okay, I have a friend whose niece went on the pill and the same week had unprotected sex and she got pregnant but thought her lack of period, giant boobs, etc., was the result of the pill...and okay, I can kind of see it but the thing is she realized something was wrong around 5 months. How do you get to be NINE months pregnant with no idea? HOW?

Eryn said...

hahaha my husband has an ex-girlfriend who was daft like your husband's friend. Looking for a toilet scrubber in the toy department daft. (TOYlet scrubber)

Which he thought was endearing at the time. Now he sees it as it is, worrisome stupidity & a sign that it's a good thing they didn't breed.

And the texting lady? I agree, it was unprofessional for the mall security to release that video, but these people make minimum wage. I worked in a mall, the only sanity saver is laughing at the stupidity of others.

You can laugh or you can cry.

I fully encourage you to mock people for your blog posts often. I enjoyed this post. Maybe just because I'm mean.

Mary Lynn said...

There's seriously a TV show called I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? There are enough people who A) have actually been pregnant for an extended period of time without realizing it, and B) are willing to go on television and admit how stupid they are?

What a bizarre world.

Julie said...

i've been in a total blogging funk as well. i really am wondering if i will be packing up and locking the door behind me.

now i have to go watch the video so that i can poke fun at her too.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

What always amazes me is what they think is worth learning on The Learning Channel! Or you can choose to discover some morons on the Discovery Channel. Oh, you got me started.....

Gwen said...

LOL! I just loved the "equal billing". The only thing that would make it funnier would be if he used extra power in order to screw his neighbours, and laughed and laughed at their expense. And then get charged more and wonder what had happened. Wait. I think my brother did that!

Kelly said...

Your friend's ex is definitely an idiot. Glad he's an ex!

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

Someone I used to work with didn't know she was pregnant until a week before her child was born at full-term. And guess what? She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Amber said...

I'm not sure what this says about me, but being pregnant and not knowing it is my worst nightmare. I take pregnancy tests when I can't possibly be pregnant, just to confirm that I'm not going to end up on that show.

Which, interestingly, I never watch. Because I'm pretty sure it would give me nightmares.

Nan | WrathOfMom said...

The woman who fell in the fountain seems to be humour-impaired. Lighten up, Lady.

I have a friend who was 5 mos along before she realized it. Her doctor said she was infertile. In her defense, she didn't look pregnant.