Desperate Times

I'm suffering from a bad case of blogger paralysis. Whenever I sit down to blog, my brain seizes up and shows the test pattern (which in my brain is not a block of coloured stripes but a school of goldfish crackers with piranha teeth about to attack John Cusack). In the interest of cracking the paralysis, I'm going to mock other people to make myself feel better. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

1. The woman who fell into the mall fountain while texting, and then got put on youtube. I'm not mocking her for falling into the fountain while texting. I might have felt a small moment of vindication for confirmation of my conviction that texting is evil and taking over the world and will lead you into perdition and might make you fall into a mall fountain, but this would have been much more satisfying if it was a teenager. I'm also not linking to it, because it's mean. But I really think her response should have been more along the line of a simple "whoever posted this is an asshole" message, and not hiring a lawyer and solemnly answering idiotic questions posed by an idiotic news interviewer who is even more mockworthy because he's not texting while asking his moronic questions: "so when did you realize that you'd had a bad fall?": "um, when I was suddenly all wet in a prone position? you braindead douchecanoe?" And let's examine the fact that, in the course of trying to sound halfway sympathetic, they've played the clip of her falling into the fountain upwards of a dozen times, from two different angles. Class-ee.

2. The people on the show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, or as Pam and I like to call it, People Who Are Too Stupid to Live, Let Alone Breed. The last time we were at the gym (it wasn't that long ago! There was some skanky sex song by Rihanna playing! Oh wait, that could be any time in the last four years) TLC was playing the show. I was so caught up in the (I've run out of synonyms for idiotic) drama, when I went to get a drink and my treadmill timed out I thought we had twenty minutes left until Pam informed me that we only had eight. Watching really stupid people apparently makes workout time go by really quickly. "Tammy had gained twenty-eight pounds and her boobs were two sizes bigger and she had heartburn and threw up a lot -- what could it be? It was mystifying!" And then when they go into the hospital: Doctor: is there any chance you're pregnant? Woman: No, I can't possibly be pregnant! Doctor: So you've never had sex? Woman: Well, yes, I have sex all the time, but... Doctor: So you always use contraceptives? Woman: "Well no, we never do, but... Doctor: So you've had a hysterectomy? Woman: No, but, aside from the weight gain and barfing and heartburn and these regularly spaced agonizing pains I feel TOTALLY NORMAL! To be fair, one of the women did have a birth control implant and...ah, screw it, fair isn't going to get my blogging brain unparalyzed.

3. My friend's ex-husband: He thought that hydro equal billing (when the hydro company estimates your power usage for the year and bills you equally each month, rather than billing you much more in the months when more power is typically used) meant that the power usage for their neighbourhood was added up and then divided by the number of houses so everybody paid the same. When I still liked him I thought this was kind of endearing. Now that he's turned into a five-star asshat..... LOser!

That's all the vitriol I can muster for today. I promise to be back to my normal, more gracious (wishy-washy) self soon.