Thursday, January 27, 2011

At least I didn't rush out and buy a sports car

I took a sick day today. I'm gross, snotty, hacking-up-a-lung sick and my husband has been away all week and it's January. I got the kids to school and tried to do some stuff and all the snot and hacking was interfering so I went back to bed. Then I got up and sat on the couch and watched movies. Then somewhere around 12:30 I was suddenly hit with a tsunami of self-loathing. I had a dream last night that we lived in a different house and the school was just across our back yard and Matt and I would stand at our back door and watch the kids walk across the grass to school, which was lovely, but then there was something about milk, and I was pouring the milk into something and it made this gulping sound that was just like the sound a baby makes while breastfeeding and suddenly I wanted another baby with this horrible, hopeless, physical yearning, and then I was on the couch thinking what the hell am I doing now that I don't have babies or toddlers at home and I have six free hours every day and I take one lousy course at a time and work in the school library one lousy day a week and I can't even manage a great dinner every night, and I've never even had a REAL real job unless you count that brief foray into publishing with the crazy Irish CEO who would fistfight with his oldest son (of nine kids) in his office and grab me by the back of the neck frequently, and I was watching Red and somebody was described as being in his thirties, which is a way I will never be described again, and then there's the whole Jesus I'm fat thing, because every time I try to lose weight the concentration and attention are exhausting and I tell myself there's no way to lose weight unless you don't have to do anything else, except didn't I just conclude that I'm NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE so why am I not getting with the un-fattening, and ack, the sucking vortex of suckiness....

Then the movie got funnier, and I laughed, and then I checked my email and there was an email from Patti saying she was nominating me for a blogging award, and I found Eve's pajamas under a cushion and this reminded me that the two kids I do have are quite remarkable (even if they do think that Wipeout is good television) and I ate some almonds and chilled out.

Oh my God, you guys. I had a mid-day crisis.

12 comments:

Kelly said...

That was seriously hilarious -- mainly because I think I have moments like that (minus the wanting a baby part) at least every 3 days.

Julie said...

ahhh, the mid-day crisis. they suck. maybe not as much as the mid-night crisis, where your imagination runs at full tilt into the black abys of paranoia. but sucky all the same.

almonds ey? i would have been elbow deep into the ice cream.

Nicole said...

Oooh. The mid-day crisis. I hope you're feeling better. xo

Also, at the beginning of the month my husband went out and bought a sports car. Huh.

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

Man, those are the worst - thank goodness you overcame it!

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

That's quite a mid-day crisis. Thank God for almonds to help soothe the troubled soul.

Betsy B. Honest said...

Oh wow, you just made me feel so much better about the midday crises I had which involved calling my husband in tears because I thought I killed our baby goldfish (our goldfish spawned and now I have some fry to feed liquified brine shrimp to - like I don't have enough to do) and the way that baby goldfish accidentally slipped out of the nursery tank and got slorped up by the water filter became a metaphor for everything wrong in my life, especially the part about how I only have such tiny kernels of uninterrupted time in which I may behave like an autonomous human being and also EVERY SINGLE THING YOU MENTIONED except the part about not enough babies and toddlers flinging themselves at my bosoms in exruciating need. Why hasn't anyone interrupted me yet? Also, I've been barfed on several times this week.

XOXO
Betsy

p.s. the baby goldfish was just hiding behind a leaf...

Gwen said...

Sigh. Welcome to my world.

During my six hours alone in the house EVERY DAY (!), I find it helpful to look at the mess and dream of a maid (because Lord knows that I wasn't put on this Earth to pick up after this fanily!).

The whole fat thing. Whatever. It's like if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it fall, did it make a noise. Nope. If I am fat but no one sees me because I'm alone in the house dodging housework, am I really fat. Nope.

However, having a house that backs onto the school is oh so close to perfect. The only flaw is that they might come home unexpectantly. My children take the bus. The bus stop is at the end of my driveway. Very little effort on my part, and they are suitably contained. Heaven.

Ninja Mom said...

You were obviously put on this earth to spend six hours at home alone and go through your mid-day crisis so that you could blog about it and make us readers smile from ear-to-ear (as you so often do). And, yes, strike a nerve as well because boy, oh, boy does your mid-day crisis sound like the running tape I have in my head!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

hee hee, I love it! This was just perfectly funny : )Thanks for the laugh!

The Empress said...

Funny? Because it's happening to you. I'm having an early morning crisis. Snow all over, fell already, and now, seriously, I've lost my mojo for this MOnday.

The Empress said...

by the way, this was so clever witht he title and subject.

alison said...

I was trying to work through my mid-morning crisis by reading blogs. Thanks loads. (Just kidding. Funny, funny post, glad the almonds and PJs put it all back into perspective for you.)