Hallmark it ain't

I don't feel good. I feel the opposite of good. I feel like a big fat useless drain on society. I feel like the inertial dampers on my metaphorical Starship Enterprise are... wait, what do inertial dampers do, make more inertia or less? I guess the term 'dampers' would imply that they attenuate the inertia in some way, so in that case my metaphorical inertial dampers would NOT be working. But if they increase inertia, then my metaphorical inertial dampers (let's say m.i.ds for short) are stuck on high and keeping me stalled in sub-space -- wait, what the hell is sub-space anyway? Something under space? How is that even possible? This metaphor is crap.

I'm driving to Barrie with the kids tomorrow. My husband is in Europe and was supposed to be getting back to Ottawa tomorrow, so I suggested he fly directly to Toronto and meet us in Barrie so I wouldn't have to worry about his flight being delayed or having to wait until he got home to leave or driving with him sleeping in the passenger seat which would just be annoying or him insisting on driving while jet-lagged and provoking me to back-seat drive to an even higher degree than usual. See how neatly I talked myself into the enviable position of a five-hour drive alone with two kids? I wonder if I can talk the clouds into dispensing some fabulous freezing rain too. Most of the rest stops along the highway are closed for renovations so I can't even count on an hourly cheeseburger break (you know, to keep me awake).

I have to make the wedding card before I go. I'm totally choking on the wedding card. I am so incredibly unutterably happy for the people getting married that -- well, yeah, unutterable, that's the problem. See, this guy, the best man from our wedding, is great. But goofy. He's forty, and he still asks waitresses to 'fire up' stuff for him in restaurants. When a kid sneezes, he asks if they've 'got snot' rather than politely inquiring whether they are in need of a tissue. He loves this movie. Eve had a red stuffed heart toy when she was four or five, that had a face on it, and he convinced her, since it was a heart with a human face on it, to call it 'human heart', just for the pleasure of listening to her walk around saying 'come on human, heart, let's go upstairs. Good night, human heart.' So the card has to be funny, right? But his wife is awesome and beautiful and professional and smart and I don't know her that well. So the card can't be too silly. But the wedding party is upstairs at a brewery. So the card could be funny. But they've both gone through a lot of crap to get here. So I want the card to be sincere.

I'm stymied. All I have rattling around in my head at the moment is a sappy image of intertwined wedding rings and the word 'hooters'.