Hallmark it ain't

I don't feel good. I feel the opposite of good. I feel like a big fat useless drain on society. I feel like the inertial dampers on my metaphorical Starship Enterprise are... wait, what do inertial dampers do, make more inertia or less? I guess the term 'dampers' would imply that they attenuate the inertia in some way, so in that case my metaphorical inertial dampers would NOT be working. But if they increase inertia, then my metaphorical inertial dampers (let's say m.i.ds for short) are stuck on high and keeping me stalled in sub-space -- wait, what the hell is sub-space anyway? Something under space? How is that even possible? This metaphor is crap.

I'm driving to Barrie with the kids tomorrow. My husband is in Europe and was supposed to be getting back to Ottawa tomorrow, so I suggested he fly directly to Toronto and meet us in Barrie so I wouldn't have to worry about his flight being delayed or having to wait until he got home to leave or driving with him sleeping in the passenger seat which would just be annoying or him insisting on driving while jet-lagged and provoking me to back-seat drive to an even higher degree than usual. See how neatly I talked myself into the enviable position of a five-hour drive alone with two kids? I wonder if I can talk the clouds into dispensing some fabulous freezing rain too. Most of the rest stops along the highway are closed for renovations so I can't even count on an hourly cheeseburger break (you know, to keep me awake).

I have to make the wedding card before I go. I'm totally choking on the wedding card. I am so incredibly unutterably happy for the people getting married that -- well, yeah, unutterable, that's the problem. See, this guy, the best man from our wedding, is great. But goofy. He's forty, and he still asks waitresses to 'fire up' stuff for him in restaurants. When a kid sneezes, he asks if they've 'got snot' rather than politely inquiring whether they are in need of a tissue. He loves this movie. Eve had a red stuffed heart toy when she was four or five, that had a face on it, and he convinced her, since it was a heart with a human face on it, to call it 'human heart', just for the pleasure of listening to her walk around saying 'come on human, heart, let's go upstairs. Good night, human heart.' So the card has to be funny, right? But his wife is awesome and beautiful and professional and smart and I don't know her that well. So the card can't be too silly. But the wedding party is upstairs at a brewery. So the card could be funny. But they've both gone through a lot of crap to get here. So I want the card to be sincere.

I'm stymied. All I have rattling around in my head at the moment is a sappy image of intertwined wedding rings and the word 'hooters'.


Gwen said…
Do two cards. One lovely and pretty and sweet for the bride and groom to show their parents...and another one to make the groom laugh and make the bride wonder exactly what she's marrying in to!

The drive alone totally sucks! I have no suggestions...except, perhaps, Gravol. The upside? I bet there will be a funny blog about this trip! Can't wait!
Mary Lynn said…
Sorry you're feeling blah, and sorry my last post didn't exactly help matters. At least going to a wedding sounds like fun (at a brewery!).

I agree with Gwen that two cards might be a good idea...one for the bride and one for the groom. That way you're free to be as ridiculous as you'd like with the groom's card.
Pam said…
I'm thinking funny on the outside and sappy on the inside. Or there is always Hallmark and make yourself a nice drink instead. Or Eve could create the card with a lovely "human heart" on it. In anycase, it is the wedding that is going to be awesome and worthy of many memories. (Can't wait to see the pics!).

You'll do just fine on the drive. I'll send you my list of great places to stop along the way. You have plenty of time and kids who are great with their own ipods so they will do well too. Bring music and pepsi and think forward to what a great blog you will be able to write after surviving, I mean, enjoying the weekend.
Anonymous said…
I think that the worst card is no card at all. And the best card is whatever you give them. The rest doesn't matter that much. So I give you permission to make the card much less than perfect.

Or you could do what I do, and get your kid to make the card. Then, it's lovely and sincere just because it's from a kid. And you don't need to sweat it.
Nicole said…
One of my favourite cards from my wedding was one with a picture of a drunk guy wearing a tie on his head, yelling at the band "Free Bird! Free Bird!" while the bride and groom looked on.

But maybe that's just me.

You know the scene in Old School where the wedding singer keeps dropping the F-bomb during "Total Eclipse of the Heart"? Maybe you could do something along those lines.

Okay, I can see I am being totally unhelpful. Sorry about your drive and that you're feeling lousy. Feel better soon, I hope. Free bird?
Julie said…
i always have the same dilemma with cards. i want to to be the one who writes something really memorable, making me the best wedding guest ever. especially when the card lately comes a little light on the cash.

have fun! two words. portable dvd.
Anonymous said…
Give the card that gives you the biggest gut belly laugh...they'll laugh together!!!! You won't be alone on your drive...when feeling low..blast the music and sing with the kids!! Enjoy.

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