Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Regarding Cynthia

This is my friend Cynthia's most recent Facebook status update:

Cynthia (Blank): ' Word07 would like me to replace the word "spline" with "spleen". My sentence now reads: "...this data set was calculated using a multivariate cubic spleen interpolation." '

This reminded me of the time I was updating my résumé (which I just typed six different times with and without accents and it looks equally stupid both ways, so clearly I'm just having a moment, like that time when I was nine and there were a few hours where I couldn't say the word 'closet' without feeling really strange) and trying to type that I had volunteered at a camp for children with oncological diseases, and the word processing problem kept trying to substitute the word 'ontological'. Because yeah, the camp wasn't for kids with cancer, it was for kids who wonder why we're here and what it's all about.

Cynthia is cool. And pretty. And smart. She almost has a Ph.D. She calculates data sets using her spleen (and possibly her liver). She won triathlons all over the world, then her feet got unhappy and now she wins bike races all over the world. However, this is not why I love her. I love her because when Eve was being bullied last year she wrote on Facebook "Don't worry. Eve will grow up to be happy and successful and the other girl will grow up to be a crack whore. No wait... crack whore's assistant." That's fabulous, is it not?

I also love Cynthia for giving me a blog post that isn't only about the weird shower I had this morning, where I felt a little short of breath so tried to take a deep breath, then abruptly started sobbing huge, ludicrous, face-contorting sobs, then started laughing at the same time when I realized I couldn't even unscrunch my face enough to wash it. The medication switch has been going better than I expected, but this morning was a little rocky. Anybody want to start a camp for emotionally volatile people who periodically feel suspicious of the word 'closet' with me?

12 comments:

Julie said...

Can it include people who can't say the word literally and occassionaly pee their pants if a sneeze catches them off guard?

Nicole said...

I'll start that camp! We'll hang out and drink lots of wine and eat yummy things and it will all be good. Then - THEN - we shall talk about all the people who were childhood bullies and imagine them being crack whore's assistants, or perhaps "that guy who is passed out drunk on the sidewalk and just vomited on himself's assistant."

Hope you're okay...crying in the shower is not a great way to start the day. xox

the mombshell said...

-sigh- I miss you.

Shan said...

I'll sign up for that camp. Can I be in Julie's cabin?

Amber said...

I have a total love-hate relationship with my iPhone's auto-correct. On the one hand, it corrects my typos just often enough to be useful. On the other hand, it won't let me type 'colour'.

I think maybe my iPhone has anti-Canadian sentiments. What a hoser.

Mary Lynn said...

I think I have to join Julie's people-with-a-dreaded-fear-of-sneezing club.

I can't recall ever dissolving into tears in the shower. Usually I dissolve into tears when there are more people around to witness my implosion, and generally there aren't a whole lot of people around when I'm in the shower. Not generally.

Tonight I intend to dream about all the people who bullied me as a kid and how they're now crack whore's assistants. Ahhhh...

NoisyBluebird said...

Thanks so much for the laugh. How about Crack Whore's Dog Waste removal person?

Magpie said...

I am laughing so hard that I'm crying. Cynthia sounds wonderful. Closet is now going to haunt me.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

I've never been suspicious about the word 'closet' but I did spend a year in high school asking people if they could say the word 'brewery' correctly. I honestly can't explain why I chose that word. It's possible I was a weird kid.

Amber said...

Crack whore assistant. Best insult ever.

Sorry things are rocky, I hope it is smoother on the other side of the med change.

Sandra said...

Ya, I think Cynthia is a rockstar! Her Facebook updates would be so much more exciting than some of the stuff I have to contend with. Why do people feel the need to be sad on Facebook? More updates with the words crack whore need to be included!

mommylebron said...

In a strange twist of irony, my childhood nemesis grew into such a role! I'm sorry to here that your daughter was bullied last year!