Knowing Me Knowing You OR Why Are You Looking at Me Like That? F*** Off!

Anyone who read my last post and thought 'go away and have a freakin' frozen yogurt or something and come back when you're in a better mood' is going to be disappointed. Although it turns out my yawning existential Nietzchean crisis is probably just PMS, which is equally as annoying but somewhat less glamorous. I've eaten my body weight in salted cashews in the last four days. I walk around cooking or cleaning the kitchen and eating cashews every time I pass the container, then I put the lid on the container so I won't eat any more, than ten seconds later my hand hits the lid and I wonder who the asshole is who put the lid on the cashew container because the cashews are the only thing keeping me from ripping my face off and throwing it in the dishwasher that never washes anything. I took Eve to baseball last night and narrowly managed to restrain myself from bludgeoning the kid that spent every moment on the bench kicking at the gravel until a solid wall of dust enveloped the spectators, and tried to make some stupid fancy catch every goddamned time the ball came at him and then missed and had to chase the fucking ball across the outfield while the other team took two or three bases.

Yesterday there was a letter in the paper from a seventy-year-old woman complaining about an incident at a community centre where a woman was asked to cover up while nursing and then the management apologized and said it was just a single employee who made a mistake in asking the woman to cover up. The seventy-year-old woman was upset that they apologized. She said "nursing may be natural, but so is modesty" and questioned why one person would feel justified in embarrassing dozens of people.

Normally I would just write a snippy reply letter to the paper. Yeah, breastfeeding is natural. Modesty? More like a totally artificial social construction, originally meant to protect our bodies from the elements and later to protect the hysterically prudish tendencies of some. Embarrassing dozens of people? Oh, did I miss the part where the woman whipped off her shirt and danced around thrusting her breasts in people's faces? A woman uncovering one breast and sticking a baby on it shouldn't be embarrassing unless you're repressed beyond belief and/or going out of your way to examine the proceedings in minute detail, in which case I'm pretty sure YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!! But just the thought of writing a letter and having no effect whatsoever because all the people who don't agree with me are so irretrievably irredeemably incontrovertibly STUPID was exhausting. I wished I knew where the seventy-year-old woman lived so I could festoon her lawn with seventy pink boobs on spikes. I know, not nice. I am just a hot spiky ball of irascibility. I hate mirrors and labels in clothes and heat and I'm not entirely okay with the way the air is touching my skin.

1.Coffee or tea?

I hate coffee. I hate the smell of coffee. Once I was driving my husband's car and it reeked of coffee and I saw that there was spilled coffee sloshing around in the cup holder and I threw up and drove the car off the road and killed four cows and a chicken. Tea is okay.

2. Are you watching Glee?

Yes, and usually I love it but for some reason right now I want to bitch-slap all the characters and jump on their heads.

3. Do you sing?

I used to be an awesome singer. I was in the McMaster University Choir and when we moved here I was in the Carleton University choir with a bunch of skinny snotty little university students and some old people. We did Mozart's Requiem. You know, for dead people. I took singing lessons with my friend who was always just a little bit better at everything than me, but I was a better singer than her so suck it up, beeyotch. Then I started taking asthma medication and had a couple of kids and one or both of those have kind of toasted my voice. I still sing, but I'm not as good, which sometimes makes me murderously angry and I have to jump up and down on a Simon and Garfunkel CD.

4. What's your favourite John Cusack movie?

I love most of them, but Pushing Tin? Good thing there's no death penalty for disastrously bad movie choices, John. How the hell could the guy from Say Anything and the guy from Sling Blade turn out that abomination?

5. Burger or hot dog?

I usually think hot dogs are from the devil, until I'm putting together some elaborate five-course Cordon Bleu-class meal for our friends and making hot dogs for the kids, and then I want to throw the veal with pomegranate sauce under a car and eat hot dogs until I die of eating hot dogs.

Sincere apologies to Shan for abusing her meme like this. I promise to come back and be nice tomorrow, even if I have to perform a DIY frontal lobotomy first.


Betsy B. Honest said…
You made me laugh.

But I'm a hot spiky ball of irascibility today too.
Shan said…
Thanks for the chuckle.
Anonymous said…
I also hate coffee. I tried to drink it for a while out of some weird sense of obligation, but I never successfully finished a whole cup. Finally, I decided that I was free to dislike coffee, and a whole new world opened up to me.
Anonymous said…
I love you and you are incredibly awesome this week!
Ms. G said…
And now I love you even more than I did before. Because I love writing pissed off letters to the paper. And I Hate coffee. And I used to be an awesome singer and that actually is what I planned for when I grew up but now it's more like on a good day. And burgers are The Best! And You are Excellent!
Julie said…
oh i love when you are in a pissy mood. purely selfish on my part i know. but it's such a ride to read your posts.

i actually know the woman who was breast feeding at the pool. she thinks it's great all the media that it's getting so that the issue of breastfeeding in public can stop being so taboo.

happy day! (or was that too sickeningly sweet for you?)
Fame Throwa said…
Just found your blog after randomly choosing from Turtlehead's list of read blogs.

I'm having a weird moment of laughing and feeling bad for laughing because this is the first post I've read and, well, it's hard to know if laughing is appropriate yet.

Nonetheless, I totally loved it and am happy with my random blog selection. Looking forward to reading more!
Pam said…
ROFLMAO! I do love it when you PMS. Is it wrong that I feel like irritating you so that you'll do another brilliant rant? I'll bring you cashews the next day, promise.
I still love your singing, even if you aren't the diva you once were. Sing on! (and pass the cashews)
Anonymous said…
Best post ever....hands down. Seriously
Mary Lynn said…
Is it terrible of all of us that we love you so when you're all cranky?

We love you when you're not cranky, too, so no pressure to stay in a perpetual state of PMS.
Mary Lynn said…
Oh! And yeah, I notice my voice isn't as good as it used to be either. What's up with that? Is it just due to aging? Lack of practice singing? I try to belt out songs like I used to and my voice cracks on notes I used to be able to reach. It's depressing.
Anonymous said…
You're so funny when you're snippy! I heart you! Whoever said PMS goes away when you have a hysterectomy was nuts! I still get PMS!!!!!! At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!! Gotta pin it on something. Really, I hate those cravings ehre you eat around it, like everything in the house and NOTHING satisfies it!!! I feel better now! Do you?
Kelly Miller said…
You are The Awesome. This whole post had me rolling!
Anonymous said…
Why, sometimes I have as many as six Nietzchean crises before breakfast...
Pamela said…
I truly cannot add anything to these comments that hasn't already been said. But I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I think I've had PMS for 2 weeks straight & it really sucks. Especially when the air has the balls to touch my skin like that!

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