Friday, March 5, 2010

Wheels spinning and the smell of something burning

I'm sort of stuck. All around stuck, I mean, but also blog stuck. I find myself staring at the screen, and thinking I need to force myself to organize a couple of thoughts into a coherent post because it's good practice. Then I wonder if I should be littering the internet with my mental parings if I have to work that hard to scrape up a post. But withdrawing from everything is kind of what direction I feel like I'm going, and I don't think I should just go with that.

It's been sunny most of the week. Everyone's all shiny and happy about the goddamned sun. Spring is coming. There's a new energy. I'm supposed to feel like washing curtains and cleaning out closets and delivering calves and whittling chairs. Instead I find it immensely difficult to do anything that requires concentration or deep thought -- or even to remember that I want to. I've been trying to practice the piano every day. Some days I remember, but more often, the minute I wander out into the living room it's like the piano throws a cloaking field around itself ('move along, move along, nothing to see here -- isn't there a bad sitcom or a fruit roll-up calling your name?'). I'm supposed to see the sun and want to go out and bathe in its warmth and promise. Instead I see the sun and think, Jesus, it's way too bright out there.

I'm trying not to think it's all my fault. I think I might just need a slight tune-up of the pharmaceutical variety. I did force myself out to the gym this morning, and then I got a few groceries downstairs at Loblaws. I walked back and forth in front of the ice cream section for a good ten minutes. It was all too expensive, or the wrong flavour, or had too much fat. I ended up not buying ice cream, and feeling like a big weenie. Angus's Nintendo DS was lost for a week or so. He hadn't been playing with it, and then when we tried to find it it wasn't in any of the usual places. I didn't think it was his fault -- we'd packed it for a few trips, and we thought it might have got left in a bag or packed away by accident. My Mom eventually found it under the bed the kids sleep in when they're at her place. I was relieved, not just because it's expensive, but because it sticks in my craw when anything is missing. But here's the thing -- I can't stop looking for it. Every time I take laundry downstairs or recycle newspapers or clean out a drawer, I find myself looking for the DS (insert bad metaphor here).

So I'm faking it a little bit. But that's not necessarily such a bad thing. Yesterday I had nowhere I had to be, nothing I had to do, and I was on the verge of royally screwing up a day off, wallowing aimlessly in bad tv and trans fats. I decided to clean and cook. Finding the surface of the dining room table and moving the pile of outgrown clothing that was preventing my husband from opening his bottom dresser drawer didn't necessarily make me feel fantastic, but it probably sucked less than inhaling a bag of cheetos while watching the Price of Right would have. Then I decided to take Eve to do the build-a-bear that was one of her birthday presents when she got home from school, even though the prospect of entering a mall was slightly less appealing than the prospect of stabbing myself in the eye with a hot sauce-tipped bamboo stake. And it was great. She was adorable, and grateful, and excited, and sunshiny. She made a rainbow bear and dressed it like a fairy princess and ate a humongous slice of cheese pizza and rainbow ice cream and mentioned that babies are 'really cute, but a tiny bit annoying' because one was crying rather loudly a couple of tables over. She told me I was the best. And suddenly I wasn't really faking it any more. I wasn't the best, but I was better.

Okay, I just went looking for a funny picture of fake boobs to link to (fake -- get it?), to make this less whiny and leaden. Did you know there's a website called Rate my Melons? Anyway, nothing I found was remotely funny or appropriate, and now I'm worried that the next time my son tries to check his email he might click in the wrong place and be scarred for life. I promise I'll try to be funnier tomorrow (if I haven't been locked up on the advice of Children's Aid).

6 comments:

alison said...

Funny, I sometimes feel like whittling calves and delivering chairs. And I never, ever feel like washing curtains. I get sucked into facebook/blogs rather than bad tv/transfats, but I share the lack of focus too, sometimes. Glad the DS is back, stop looking for it! :-)

Mary Lynn said...

Curtains are supposed to be washed?

I've been feeling a bit stumped when it comes to blogging lately. Yesterday evening I was so tired, but at 10:30 I decided it had been ages since I'd done a blog post so I ought to do one. And then I stared at the computer screen for the next hour-and-a-half, sometimes at the blogger edit page, but mostly at Facebook, Twitter, and a bunch of other sites here and there. At the end of it all I still didn't have a blog post.

I find my motivation to do stuff really ebbs and flows and I'm never sure what causes me to feel all bleh one day and all peppy another day. I'm mysterious like that.

Glad you found the DS, too. Missing things drive me buggy.

Ohmygosh..and in writing the previous sentence I suddenly remember what it is I can blog about. Thank-you!!!

Pam said...

Oh crap! Now I feel guilty for not whittling the curtains and washing the piano. I am in the same boat. Should have gone to the gym but instead did retail therapy getting too many crafty things from Michaels. Like I don't have enough glitter and markers around the house already. Got chocolate too. Things are looking up. I will NOT be overwhelmed by guilt for not making the most of a lovely day.

I'm glad Eve had fun with you and her Build a bear thing and you ARE an awesome person, faking it or not.

Amber said...

I'm sorry that you're stuck. I hope that you get un-stuck, soon.

SuziCate said...

"Rate my Melons" are you for real? I hate it when things get misplaced. I usually don't mind them until I'm looking for the next missing item. You walked away without buying ice cream. you're a good woman!

Julie said...

it seems like a theme out there in the blogosphere. lots of people are stuck, or just not posting. i wonder if the moons and the stars are all out of whack for local bloggers.

rate my melons, ey? hmmm. angus won't be scared for life. he'll be grateful knowing that he can't get in trouble for checking that site out! ;-)

here's tp both of us getting un-stuck.