Monday, February 2, 2009

Laying bare my haddock... er, soul

So today, apparently, I do love mankind (woman, child, human-kind). It was sunny, and I went to the gym so there were endorphins (and giddy disbelief that I actually got there) in play. But it wasn't just today. Last night at dinner at my Mom and Dad's, I drank as much wine as my Dad (and if you knew my Dad...) just so I'd have an excuse to hug them and say I love you guys before I left. At the gym, I was looking around picking out everybody's best features (great hair...nice arms... friendly smile) and then I went down to get groceries and someone moved their cart for me to get by and I almost wept with gratitude.

What the hell is going on?

Today I realized it wasn't January any more, so maybe that's part of it; the realization that spring will come again, and everything will thaw out. Partly it's that Matt just got back after being away for almost two weeks, which always makes me feel weird. But I think sometimes this just happens. I remember in high school and university I got accused (or just catalogued) as flirty which always kind of confused me, because I didn't feel like I was flirting. I think it's just that the people I like, I like a lot, no matter which gender. I loved living in residence because no matter what my mood was, there was always someone around to share it with. Most of my best memories revolve around being surrounded with my favourite people. I do love doing things with my husband and kids, but sometimes it feels impossibly sad and lonely to only be living with three other people (I guess I should have gone ahead and had those extra kids, although I had in mind people who wouldn't want to make you strangle yourself or them quite as often). 



The world is so different now from the times when you would grow up knowing your own family and the people who lived within a certain radius, and people just didn't go that far. In a way I know it's great that we can move around so much now, that we can know so many different places and people. But in a way I also wish that I could keep my family and friends closer, that I wouldn't meet people, fall in love with their laugh or their way of saying hello or their absolute lack of ability to tell a joke properly (it's okay Zarah, you have other talents) and then have them move away where I never see them enough. Even if I had to get up at dawn to milk cows to have it that way (okay, maybe not. I'm sure I would have died from a hoof to the head before the age of twelve).

I read another blog post a while ago where a woman confessed to doing something which she thought was horribly shameful and unforgivable, when she was struggling with alcoholism, and she wondered if she was being punished for it now with her father's illness. Pretty much everybody who commented said the same thing I was thinking; something along the lines of 'oh please, I've done way worse than that'. Generally, I feel passionately thankful that no one can read my mind -- not only because of the embarrassment component, but because I'd feel so guilty about all the people dying of boredom. But this made me think, maybe it would be better if everyone knew everyone's secrets, because most of the time they would react with much more kindness and understanding than we expect.

Not sure where I'm going with this. Like I said, I feel weird (is it still the Twilight contact high? That goddamned book peeled me open like a grape. I may never recover). I should probably stop overflowing on everybody with drunken, immoderate affection and figure out what the hell I'm going to put on Eve's birthday cake. But if anyone needs a friendly ear, or an over-the-top compliment, or a kidney, you know where to find me.

1 comment:

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